W    'o 

Cfl     ^S 

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0  'S 

II 


attttrrf 


REVISED   AND    CORRECTED 


ILLUSTRATED 


NEW  YORK  AND  LONDON 


BOOKS  FOR  THE  HOUSEHOLD 

BEFORE  THE  BABY  COMES,  by  MABIANNA 
WHEELEB.     16mo.     Cloth. 

EDUCATING   THE   CHILD  AT  HOME,  by 

ELLA  FRANCES  LTNCH. 

THE  YOUNG   MOTHER'S  HANDBOOK,  by 
MABIANNA  WHEELBB.     16mo. 

PRINCIPLES     OF     CORRECT    DRESS,    by 
FLORENCE  HULL  WINTERBXJRN.     16mo. 

GOOD    FORM    FOR   ALL   OCCASIONS,   by 

FLORENCE  HOWE  HALL. 

NOVEL    WAYS    OF    ENTERTAINING,    by 
FLORENCES  HULL  WINTERBTJRN.     16mo. 

COOK  BOOK  OF  LEFT-OVERS,  by  CLABK 

and  RULON.      16mo. 
SOCIAL  USAGES  AT  WASHINGTON,  by  FLOB- 

ENCE  HOWE  HALL.     16mo. 
HOW  TO  KEEP  HOUSEHOLD  ACCOUNTS, 

by  CHARLES  WALDO  HASKINS.     16mo. 
THE  EXPERT  MAID  SERVANT, by  CHRISTINE 

TEBHUNB  HEBRICK.     16mo. 

MANNERS   AND    SOCIAL    USAGES.      Ill'd. 
Post  8vo. 

THE  EXPERT  WAITRESS,  by  ANNE  FRANCES 

SPRINGSTEED.    New  Edition.    16mo. 
THE   BABY,   HIS   CARE   AND   TRAINING, 

by    MARIANNA    WHEELER.      Revised    edition 

lorno. 

HOW  TO  BE  BEAUTIFUL,  by  MABIH  MON- 
TAIGNE.   Illustrated. 


HARPER  &  BROTHERS,  NEW  YORK 


Copyright,  1884, l8S7, 1897, 1907,  1918, 

by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS 
Copyright,  1912,  by  ARTHUR  M.  SHERWOOD 


All  rights  reserved 


(Eantntt* 


PAG» 

I.  CARDS  AND  CALLS      ..........  i 

II.  THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  CALLING 10 

III.  CARDS  OF  COURTESY 20 

IV.  INTRODUCTIONS 28 

V.  INVITATIONS  AND  ANSWERS     .......  4$ 

VI.  BRIDES  AND  WEDDINGS 53; 

VII.  "Wno  PAYS  FOR  THE  CARDS?" 67- 

VIII.  WEDDINGS  AFTER  EASTER 76* 

IX.  BEFORE  THE  WEDDWG 84 

X.  WEDDING  ANNIVERSARIES 92? 

XI.  LUNCHEONS,  FORMAL  AND  SOCIAL 104 

XII.  THE  MODERN  DINNER-TABLE 113 

XIII.  LAYING  THE  DINNER-TABLB 122 

XIV.  SIMPLE  DINNERS 131 

XV.  SUMMER  DINNERS 137 

XVI.  TEAS  AND  RECEPTIONS 146 

XVII.  BALLS  AND  DANCES 150. 

XVIII.  SUPPER-PARTIES 157- 

XIX.  MATINEES  AND  SOIREES .  163, 

XX.  CHRISTENING  CEREMONIES 169. 

XXI.  GARDEN-PARTIES 173 

XXII.  HOUSE-PARTIES 181 

XXIII.  HOST  AND  GUEST 189 

XXIV.  FORK  AND  SPOON 197 

ill 


457637 


CHAP.  PAGE 

XXV.  TABLE  LINEN        203 

XXVI.  CHAPERONS  AND  THEIR  DUTIES .208 

XXVII.  ETIQUETTE  FOR  SPINSTERS 217 

XXVIII.  OPTIONAL  CIVILITIES     . 223 

—  XXIX.  GOOD  AND  BAD  SOCIETY 230 

XXX.  SOCIETY'S  SMALL-TALK 236 

XXXI.  DRESS 243 

XXXII.  ETIQUETTE  OF  MOURNING      . 247 

XXXIII.  LETTERS  OF  CONDOLENCE 257 

XXXIV.  LETTER-WRITING 265 

XXXV  QUESTIONS  ANSWERED  , 273 

XXXVI.  LADY  AND  GENTLEMAN 280 

XXXVII.  ETIQUETTE  FOR  MEN 288 

XXXVIII.  THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  SPORT 298 

XXXIX.  SERVANTS 307 

XL.  MANNERS  OF  THE  PAST 317 

XLI.  THE  AWKWARD  AND  THE  SHY 325 

3CLIL  THE  ETIQUETTE  OF  TOWNS  AND  VILLAGES  .    .331 

XLIIL  ENGLISH  SOCIAL  USAGES 342 

XLIV.  How  TO  TREAT  THE  ENGLISH    ......  350 

XLV.  MILITARY  AND  NAVAL  RANKS  AND  TITLES    .    .  357 


JfUuatrattotta 


THE    CORRECTLY   SET    DINNER-TABLE       ....  Frontispiece 

EGG    SALAD    IN    A    NEST    OP    CELERY 

AN     ELABORATE     SALAD    SERVED    IN  ASPIC 

PRETTY  TIN  DISHES  FOR  A  TENTH  ANNIVERSARY 

CELEBRATION "  IO2 

THE     TABLE     CORRECTLY     SET      FOR     A     FORMAL 

LUNCHEON        . 106 

HOW    TO    FOLD    THE    DINNER    NAPKIN 
THE    ARRANGEMENT    OF    A    SINGLE    COVER 
AN  ATTRACTIVE   WAY  OP   SERVING  SHERBET 


'I     Facing  p.      62 
PIC   JELLY) 


.' :  .1 


132 
A  DAINTY  WINE  SERVICE 

THE  CORRECT  SERVICE  FOR  COLD  REFRESHING 

BEVERAGES    ...........  "        142 

WAITRESS    . 
CHAMBERMAID 
LADY'S  MAID 


PARLOR  MAID 


JJrefare  to 


llNCE  this  book  was  first  written  much  water 
has  flowed  under  the  bridges  of  the  world, 
some  in  the  old  familiar  channels  and  some 
in  new  beds  washed  out  by  sudden  torrents. 
There  are  few  aspects  of  life  that  are  not 
changing  overnight  —  politics,  art,  literature, 
finance;  so  that,  bewildered  by  this  constant  flux,  we 
sometimes  ask  if  there  is  anything  old  under  the  sun. 
But  the  standard  of  manners,  the  subject  of  this  book, 
has  suffered  less  change  than  any  of  the  other  standards 
which  regulate  man's  body  or  his  spirit.  Good-breeding 
in  all  its  essentials  is  the  same  that  it  was  for  the  Pyramid- 
builders,  for  its  foundation-stone,  "Do  unto  others  as 
ye  would  they  should  do  unto  you,"  was  not  hewn  out 
of  the  quarry  of  any  one  race  or  faith.  There  is  no  class 
and  no  country  which  has  the  monopoly  of  courtesy. 
An  ignorant  negress  once  rebuked  her  mistress,  who  had 
lowered  herself  by  her  rude  treatment  of  an  inferior,  by 
saying,  "You  owes  courtesy  even  to  a  dawg." 

Courtesy  is  one  of  life's  most  valuable  assets,  yet  it 
is  any  man's  for  the  taking.  If  there  are  those  who  shut 
their  windows  to  keep  out  the  free  air  of  heaven  and  those 
who  shut  their  hearts  to  the  spirit  of  courtesy,  it  is 

vii 


not  fate,  but  their  own  fault,  which  robs  them  of  the 
universal  heritage. 

But  though  good-breeding,  which  comes  from  a  con- 
sideration for  others  and  an  appreciation  of  one's  own 
dignity,  is  his  who  cares  to  use  it,  it  must  often  be  changed 
into  the  small  coin  of  local  customs  and  manners  which 
vary  in  time  and  place.  To  rub  noses  is  the  proper 
greeting  with  certain  savages;  imagine  the  result  if  one 
attempted  to  do  this  to  an  acquaintance  on  Fifth  Avenue ! 
There  are  fashions  in  manners  which  pass  and  return, 
as  do  fashions  in  clothes.  New  conditions  place  differ- 
ent emphasis  upon  different  customs.  The  pendulum 
sways  from  excessive  freedom  to  excessive  restraint  and 
back  again,  and  changes  in  governments  are  often  the 
causes  of  variations  in  etiquette.  A  charming  English- 
woman of  perfect  breeding  and  broad-mindedness,  who 
had  herself  enjoyed  safely  a  liberty  of  conduct  she  had 
seen  abused  by  some  silly  women,  once  said  that  she 
intended  to  bring  her  own  daughters  up  with  plenty  of 
prejudices — they  were  such  valuable  safeguards. 

The  Great  War  is  already  responsible  for  innumerable 
changes  in  customs,  though  it  is  yet  too  soon  to  realize 
how  far  its  influence  will  reach.  Already  the  exigencies 
of  war  service  have  revolutionized  the  prejudices  and 
habits  which  bound  many  of  the  women  of  continental 
Europe  in  a  more  restricted  sphere  than  Englishwomen 
or  Americans  were  content  with;  and  it  is  not  possible 
that  when  peace  comes  again  they  will  be  willing  to  give 
up  altogether  the  new  freedom  and  return  to  former 
standards  of  cloistral  upbringing  for  girls  and  absten- 

viii 


tion  from  all  but  household  interests  for  married  women. 
Many  American  soldiers  are  learning  from  the  French 
poilus  that  daring  and  courtesy  and  a  nice  respect  for 
what  they  had  often  considered  frills  of  manners  can 
go  hand  and  hand.  The  descendants  of  the  cavaliers  of 
Fontenoy  are  showing  the  world  that  military  efficiency 
does  not  need  to  be  brutal. 

It  has  been  said  that  it  was  the  bad  manners  of  the 
Germans  which  made  them  disliked  as  travellers  wherever 
they  went  before  the  war.  If  this  is  true,  then  a  lack  of 
good  manners  is  a  contributing  cause  of  the  war.  In 
one  of  the  stirring  war  poems  which  have  appeared  in 
London  Punch  there  is  the  following  line  — 

Schooled  in  the  ancient  chivalry  of  the  sea, 

which  emphasizes  the  sense  of  obligation  to  others,  the 
splendid,  unquestioning  self-abnegation  in  times  of  dan- 
ger and  need  which  has  always  been  taken  for  granted 
of  the  seamen  of  certain  nations.  It  is  not  given  to  all 
of  us  to  be  able  to  show  our  courtesy  by  standing  aside 
that  women  and  children  may  go  first,  but  the  standard 
is  for  landsmen  as  well. 

The  war  should  result  in  an  increase  of  good  man- 
ners, because  where  men  are  brought  from  smaller  into 
larger  surroundings  and  into  contact  with  new  customs 
their  attention  is  drawn  to  the  differences  between  them 
and  those  with  which  they  are  familiar.  The  relative 
merits  are  weighed,  even  if  unconsciously,  and  a  new 
custom  is  experimented  with,  shamefacedly  at  first, 
perhaps,  which  later  becomes  second  nature.  The  re- 

ix 


suit  may  occasionally  prove  disconcerting,  as  represented 
by  an  illustration  in  a  recent  number  of  a  humorous 
paper  that  showed  the  horrified  astonishment  of  an 
elderly  American  man  when  a  soldier  back  from  the 
front  was  embracing  him  in  the  French  fashion. 

The  former  condescension  shown  by  those  of  the  so- 
called  upper  classes  to  those  below  them  is  likely  to 
become  largely  a  thing  of  the  past.  Life  in  the  trenches, 
in  the  munitions  factories,  has  shown  men  and  women 
that  the  difference  between  man  and  man  and  between 
woman  and  woman  were  much  slighter  than  they  had 
believed  them  to  be.  And  even  the  slight  width  of  this 
imaginary  trench  has  been  battered  into  level  ground 
by  the  guns  of  common  fear,  common  privation,  com- 
mon bravery,  and  common  death.  There  will  result 
from  the  great  struggle  a  new  understanding  of  the 
brotherhood  of  man,  and  a  new  comprehension  of  the 
glories  of  democracy.  But  it  will  not  be  like  the  false 
conception  of  democratic  ideals  which  led  the  French 
people  during  the  Revolution  to  do  away  not  only  with 
the  titles  of  nobility,  but  with  the  very  terms  of  cour- 
teous address,  monsieur  and  madame.  The  new  de- 
mocracy, like  our  new  army,  will  learn  that  it  hurts 
no  one's  dignity  to  salute  politely  those  who  are  mo- 
mentarily above  or  below.  American  ambition  does  not 
bluster,  "I  am  as  good  as  you,"  but  speaks  confidently 
and  quietly,  "To-morrow  I  may  be  where  he  is  to-day." 
The  ideals  of  the  new  society  will  be  more  democratic 
than  aristocratic;  not  "noblesse  oblige"  but  "let  us  work 
and  play  together  as  brothers." 

x 


The  advent  of  women  into  new  fields,  and  the  femi- 
nistic agitation  to  widen  their  paths  still  further,  and  the 
active  opposition  or  indifference  of  many  men  toward 
them,  are  responsible,  it  is  often  explained,  for  a  de- 
terioration in  manners.  It  may  be  that  we  have  lost, 
in  the  hurry  of  twentieth-century  life,  the  repose  of  ex- 
istence that  was  a  thing  as  beautiful  in  itself  as  a  quiet 
garden.  There  is  not  the  time  to  see  our  friends  as  often 
as  we  would;  distance,  too,  in  great  cities,  militates 
against  paying  calls  as  often  as  once  was  considered  ob- 
ligatory. Women  lead  a  less  sheltered  life,  and  some 
men  who  have  not  yet  learned  to  readjust  themselves 
to  new  conditions  think  themselves  absolved  from  the 
necessity  of  showing  to  them  the  same  punctilious  treat- 
ment which  their  fathers  showed  the  mothers  of  the 
present  generation.  No  girl  with  a  sense  of  humor 
could,  however,  stand  some  of  the  manners  of  the  beaux 
of  a  century  ago.  They  do  not  desire  to  be  set  upon  a 
pedestal  and  then  forgotten  except  in  moments  when  the 
lord  of  creation  felt  in  the  humor  to  relax  his  Olympian 
mood.  They  have  learned  that  man  as  a  comrade  is  a 
much  more  agreeable  creature.  Yet  there  is  no  reason 
why  this  strong  relationship  should  not  be  sweetened 
by  a  mutual  courtesy  which  will  reverence  what  is  best 
in  both  the  man  and  the  woman. 

There  will  never  be  a  time  when  manners  will  not 
count.  Even  in  the  days  when  money  talks  the  loudest 
quiet  good  manners  are  still  more  eloquent.  No  man 
or  woman  can  get  on  far  in  the  world  who  does  not  ob- 
serve them.  To  put  the  matter  on  the  lowest  scale, 

xi 


fr$H8HSH8H|HSHSH8*§H^^ 

courtesy  pays,  and  poverty  and  good  manners  may 
carry  a  man  through  doors  that  are  closed  to  boorish 
millions.  There  are  only  two  ways  by  which  this  valu- 
able asset  may  be  secured — by  early  training  and  by  long 
and  careful  practice.  To  help  shorten  the  apprentice- 
ship of  knowledge  of  the  ways  of  those  who  are  accus- 
tomed to  the  social  amenities,  to  strengthen  the  diffi- 
dent with  the  staff  of  exact  information — that  is  why  a 
book  like  this  is  written.  Because  it  has  proved  a  trusted 
guide  its  popularity  shows  no  sign  of  waning.  Empires 
may  fall  and  republics  be  born,  but  men  and  women  must 
still  delight  in  each  other's  company.  Wars  wage,  but 
there  will  still  be  fortunate  corners  of  the  earth  where 
youth  will  dance  with  youth.  There  may  be  economy 
in  our  kitchens,  but  let  the  dinners  of  herbs  be  served 
with  the  grace  of  a  feast.  The  days  of  the  letter-writer 
are  past,  but  a  well-written  note  is  still  an  index  to  the 
writer's  nature  and  breeding.  And  the  following  pages, 
revised  wherever  passing  changes  have  made  revision 
necessary,  offer  guidance  in  every  path  of  social  life. 

NEW  YORK,  April,  1918. 


anb   Serial 


att&  Mortal 


CHAPTER  I 


CARDS    AND   CALLS 


OTHING  strikes  the  foreigner  so  much  (since 
the  days  of  De  Tocqueville,  the  first  to  men- 
tion it)  as  the  prominent  position  of  woman 
in  the  best  society  of  America.  She  has  al- 
\mUgJ  most  no  position  in  the  political  world.  She 
**  I  is  not  a  leader,  an  intrigante  in  politics,  as 
she  is  in  France.  We  have  no  Madame  de  Stael,  no 
Princess  Belgioso,  here  to  make  and  unmake  our  presi- 
dents; but  women  do  all  the  social  work,  which  in 
Europe  is  done  not  only  by  women,  but  by  young 
bachelors  and  old  ones,  statesmen,  princes,  ambassa- 
dors, and  attaches.  Officials  are  connected  with  every 
Court  whose  business  it  is  to  visit,  write,  and  answer 
invitations,  leave  cards,  call,  and  perform  all  the  multi- 
farious duties  of  the  social  world. 

In  America,  the  lady  of  the  house  does  all  this. 
The  men  are  all  in  business  or  on  pleasure  bent,  at  work, 
off  yachting  or  automobiling.  Few  of  them  can  spend 
time  to  make  their  dinner  calls. 


JBattttrrii  an&  hartal 


Thus  to  women,  as  the  conductors  of  social  poli- 
tics, is  committed  the  card  —  that  pasteboard  protocol 
whose  laws  are  well  defined  in  every  land  but  our 
•own. 

Among  women  socially  prominent  there  are  different 
opinions  upon  the  subject  of  first  calls,  as  between  two 
women.  We  give  the  commonly  received  opinions  as 
expressed  by  the  customs  of  New  York  society. 

When  should  a  lady  call  first  upon  a  new  and  a 
desirable  acquaintance?  Not  too  hastily.  Of  course 
the  best  way  is  to  wait  until  she  has  met  the  person  in 
question,  has  been  properly  introduced,  and  so  feels 
sure  that  the  acquaintance  is  desired.  The  oldest  resi- 
dent, the  one  most  prominent  in  fashion,  should  call 
first;  but,  if  there  is  no  such  distinction,  two  women 
need  not  forever  stand  at  bay  each  waiting  for  the 
other  to  call. 

A  very  admirable  and  polite  expedient  has  been 
substituted  for  a  first  call  —  in  the  sending  out  of 
•cards,  for  several  days  in  the  month,  by  the  lady 
who  wishes  to  begin  her  social  life,  we  will  say,  in 
•a  new  city.  These  may  or  may  not  be  accompanied 
by  the  card  of  some  resident  friend.  If  these  cards 
bring  the  desired  visits  or  the  cards  of  the  desired 
guests,  the  beginner  may  feel  that  she  has  started  on 
her  society  career  with  no  loss  of  self-respect.  Those 
who  do  not  respond  are  generally  in  a  minority.  Too 
much  haste  in  making  new  acquaintances,  however 
—  "pushing,"  as  it  is  called  —  cannot  be  too  much 
deprecated. 


ani   (Hail* 


<|HSH|HiHiH|KiHSHSH|H^^ 

First  calls  should  be  returned  within  a  week,  or,  as. 
some  authorities  say,  within  a  fortnight.  If  a  lady 
is  invited  to  any  entertainment  by  a  new  acquaintance, 
whether  the  invitation  come  through  a  friend  or  not, 
she  should  immediately  leave  cards,  and  send  either 
a  regret  or  an  acceptance.  To  lose  time  in  this  matter 
is  rude.  Whether  she  attend  the  entertainment  or 
not,  she  should  call  after  it  within  a  week.  Then, 
having  done  all  that  is  polite,  and  having  shown  her- 
self a  woman  of  good-breeding,  she  can  keep  up  the 
acquaintance  or  not  as  she  pleases.  Sometimes  there 
are  reasons  why  a  lady  does  not  wish  to  keep  up  the 
acquaintance,  but  she  must  recognize  the  politeness, 
extended.  Some  very  rude  people  in  New  York  have 
sent  back  invitations,  or  failed  to  recognize  the  first 
attempt  at  civility,  saying,  "We<  don't  know  the 
people."  This  is  not  the  way  to  discourage  unpleasant 
familiarity.  In  New  York,  Boston,  and  Philadelphia, 
and  in  the  large  cities  of  the  West,  and  generally  in  the 
smaller  towns,  residents  call  first  upon  new-comers; 
but  in  Washington  this  custom  is  reversed,  so  far  as 
the  official  world  is  concerned,  and  the  new-comer 
calls  first  at  the  White  House,  the  residence  of  the  Vice- 
President,  and  so  on  through  the  list.  All,  save  of- 
ficials of  the  highest  grade,  return  these  calls.  The 
visitor  generally  finds  himself  invited  to  the  receptions, 
of  the  President  and  his  Cabinet,  etc.  This  arrange- 
ment is  so  convenient  that  it  is  a  thousand  pities  it 
does  not  go  into  operation  all  over  the  country. 

It  does  not.  as  misht  be  supposed,  expose  society 


JHamttr*  attft  Mortal 


to  the  intrusion  of  unwelcome  visitors.  Tact,  which 
is  the  only  guide  through  the  mazes  of  society,  will 
enable  a  woman  to  avoid  anything  like  an  unwelcome 
intimacy  or  an  acquaintance  with  an  undesirable  per- 
son, even  if  such  a  person  should  "call  first." 

If  a  lady  has  been  invited  to  a  tea  or  other  enter- 
tainment through  a  friend  without  having  known  her 
hostess,  and  has  called  promptly,  she  must  understand 
that  the  acquaintance  is  at  an  end,  if  the  invitation 
is  not  followed  up  by  a  return  card  or  another  invita- 
tion. She  may,  however,  invite  her  new  friend,  within 
a  reasonable  time,  to  some  entertainment  at  her  own 
house,  and  if  that  is  accepted  the  acquaintance  goes 
on.  It  is  soon  ascertained  by  a  young  woman  who 
begins  life  in  a  new  city  whether  her  new  acquaintances 
intend  to  be  friendly  or  the  reverse.  A  resident  of  a 
town  or  village  can  call,  with  propriety,  on  any  new- 
comer. The  new-comer  must  return  this  call;  but,  if 
she  does  not  desire  a  further  acquaintance,  this  can 
be  the  end  of  it. 

No  first  visit  should  be  returned  by  card  only;  this 
would  be  considered  a  slight,  unless  followed  by  an  in- 
vitation. The  size  of  New  York,  the  great  distances, 
the  busy  life  of  a  woman  of  charities,  large  family,  and 
immense  circle  of  acquaintances  may  render  a  per- 
sonal visit  almost  impossible.  She  may  be  considered 
to  have  done  her  duty  if  she  in  her  turn  asks  her  new 
acquaintance  to  call  on  her  on  a  specified  day,  if  she 
is  not  herself  able  to  call  in  person. 

The  original  plan  of  an  acquaintance  in  a  formal  city 

4 


attft 


circle  was  to  call  once  or  twice  a  year  on  all  one's  friends 
personally,  with  the  hope  and  the  remote  expectation 
of  finding  two  or  three  at  home.  When  society  was 
smaller  in  New  York,  this  was  possible,  but  it  soon 
grew  to  be  impossible,  as  in  all  large  cities.  This  finally 
led  to  the  establishment  of  a  reception-day  which  held 
good  all  winter.  That  became  impossible  and  tire- 
some, and  was  narrowed  down  to  four  Tuesdays,  per- 
haps, in  one  month;  that  resolved  itself  into  one  or 
two  five-o'clock  teas;  and  then  again,  even  the  last 
easy  method  of  receiving  her  friends  became  too  oner- 
ous, and  cards  were  left  or  sent  in  an  envelope. 

Now,  according  to  the  strict  rules  of  etiquette,  one 
card  a  year  left  at  the  door,  or  one  sent  in  an  envelope, 
continues  the  acquaintance.  We  can  never  know  what 
sudden  pressure  of  calamity,  what  stringent  need  of 
economy,  what  exigencies  of  work,  may  prompt  a  lady 
to  give  up  her  visiting  for  a  season.  Even  when  there 
is  no  apparent  cause,  society  must  ask  no  questions, 
but  must  acquiesce  in  the  most  good-natured  view  of 
the  subject. 

Still,  there  must  be  uniformity.  We  are  not  pleased 
to  receive  Mrs.  Brown's  card  by  post,  and  then  to  meet 
her  making  a  personal  visit  to  our  next  neighbor.  We 
all  wish  to  receive  our  personal  visits,  and  if  a  lady  can- 
not call  on  all  her  formal  acquaintances  once,  she  had 
better  call  on  none. 

If  she  gives  one  reception  a  year  and  invites  all  her 
"list,"  she  is  then  at  liberty  to  refrain  from  either  call- 
ing or  sending  a  card,  except  in  acknowledgment  of 

5 


fHattttfrs  anft  Mortal  laagra 


an  invitation  to  a  wedding  or  a  dinner,  a  ladies'  lunch 
or  a  christening,  or  unless  she  receives  some  very  par- 
ticular invitation  which  she  must  return  by  an  early 
personal  call  —  the  very  formal  and  the  punctilious  say 
within  a  week,  but  that  is  often  impossible. 

After  balls,  amateur  concerts,  theatrical  parties, 
garden-parties,  or  "at  homes,"  cards  should  be  left 
by  all  invited  guests  within  a  week  after  the  event, 
particularly  if  the  invited  guest  has  been  obliged  to 
decline.  These  cards  may  be  left  without  inquiring 
for  the  hostess,  if  time  presses,  or  if  the  weather  is  bad; 
but  it  is  more  polite  to  ask  for  her,  even  if  it  is  not 
her  day.  If  it  is  her  reception-day,  it  would  be  rude 
not  to  inquire,  enter,  and  pay  a  personal  visit.  After 
a  dinner,  or  a  formal  luncheon,  one  must  pay  a  personal 
visit.  These  are  called  "visits  of  digestion,"  and  a 
person  who  fails  to  pay  them  is  thought  to  be  lacking 
in  courtesy,  especially  in  the  case  of  an  invitation  to 
dinner. 

It  is  not  considered  necessary  to  leave  cards  after 
a  tea.  A  lady  leaves  her  cards  as  she  enters  the  hall, 
pays  her  visit,  and  the  etiquette  of  a  visiting  acquaint- 
ance is  thus  established  for  a  year.  She  should,  how- 
ever, give  a  tea  herself,  asking  all  her  entertainers,  or 
she  should  call  herself. 

We  must  here  distinguish,  however,  between  infor- 
mal teas  and  afternoon  receptions  —  such  as  are  given 
for  a  debutante.  Hostesses  usually  expect  that  their 
guests  will  call,  or  at  least  leave  cards,  after  a  formal 
Teception. 

6 


ffiarhs  atti  OJaUs 


It  is  proper  to  call  in  person,  or  to  leave  a  card, 
after  an  acquaintance  has  lost  a  relative,  after  an  en- 
gagement is  announced,  after  a  marriage  has  taken 
place,  and  after  a  return  from  Europe;  but,  as  society 
grows  larger  and  larger,  these  visits  may  be  omitted, 
and  cards  sent  if  it  is  impossible  to  pay  the  visits  per- 
sonally. Most  women  in  large  cities  are  invisible  ex- 
cept on  their  days;  in  this  way  alone  can  they  hope  to 
have  any  time  for  their  own  individual  tastes,  be  these 
what  they  may  —  languages,  literature,  embroidery,  or 
music.  So  the  formal  visiting  gets  to  be  a  mere  matter 
of  card-leaving;  and  the  witty  author  who  suggested 
that  there  should  be  a  "clearing-house  for  cards," 
and  who  hailed  the  Casino  at  Newport  as  a  good  in- 
stitution for  the  innovation,  was  not  without  genius. 
One  dislikes  to  lose  time  in  this  world  while  oiling  the 
machinery,  and  the  formal,  perfunctory  card  -leaving 
is  little  else. 

If  a  lady  have  a  day,  the  call  should  be  made  on  that 
day;  it  is  rude  to  ignore  the  intimation.  One  should 
try  to  call  on  a  reception-day.  But  here  in  a  crowded 
city  another  complication  comes  in.  If  a  lady  have 
four  Thursdays  in  January  and  several  other  ladies 
have  Thursdays,  it  may  be  impossible  to  reach  all  those 
ladies  on  their  reception-day.  There  is  nothing  for  it, 
then,  but  to  good-naturedly  apologize,  and  to  regret 
that  calling  hours  are  now  reduced  to  between  four 
and  six  in  large  cities. 

In  smaller  places,  where  people  take  their  meals 
earlier,  formal  visits  may  be  paid  at  three  o'clock,  or 

7 


attft  Mortal 


»|HtH|H|HSH|HSHiHSH^^ 

even  before  that  time  in  some  localities.  Where  people 
have  supper  at  six  o'clock,  as  they  do  in  villages,  it  is 
not  proper  to  call  so  late  as  to  interfere  with  the  even- 
ing meal. 

Young  men  should  try  to  make  time  to  call  on  those 
who  entertain  them,  showing  by  some  sort  of  person- 
al attention  their  gratitude  for  the  politeness  shown 
them.  American  young  men  are,  as  a  rule,  very  re- 
miss about  this  matter  of  calling  on  the  hostess  whose 
hospitality  they  accept. 

Bachelors  should  leave  cards  on  the  master  and 
mistress  of  the  house,  and,  in  America,  upon  the  young 
ladies. 

A  gentleman  in  calling  on  a  young  lady  should  also 
ask  for  her  mother  or  an  elder  member  of  the  family. 
Nor  should  he  leave  cards  for  her  alone,  but  always 
leave  one  for  her  mother. 

Husbands  and  wives  rarely  call  together  in  America, 
although  there  is  no  law  against  their  doing  so.  It 
is  unusual,  because  we  have  no  "leisure  class."  In 
suburban  towns  they  sometimes  pay  friendly  visits 
together  in  the  evening  or  on  Sunday  afternoon. 
Gentlemen  are  privileged  to  call  on  Sunday,  after 
church,  and  on  Sunday  afternoons,  at  the  houses  of 
those  with  whom  they  have  a  certain  degree  of  ac- 
quaintance. A  mother  and  daughter  should  call  to- 
gether, or,  if  the  mother  is  an  invalid,  the  daughter  can 
call,  leaving  her  mother's  card. 

We  may  say  that  cards  have  changed  less  in  the 
history  of  etiquette  and  fashion  than  anything  else. 

8 


(Ear&s  att&   (Ealla 


They,  the  shifting  pasteboards,  are  in  style  about 
what  they  were  fifty  —  nay,  a  hundred  —  years  ago. 

The  plainer  the  card  the  better.  A  small,  thin  card 
for  a  gentleman,  not  glazed,  with  his  name  in  small 
script,  old  English,  or  block  type,  and  his  address  well 
engraved  in  the  corner,  is  in  good  taste.  A  lady's  card 
should  be  larger,  but  not  glazed  or  ornamented  in  any 
way.  Nothing  is  in  worse  taste  than  for  an  American 
to  put  a  coat  of  arms  on  his  card.  It  serves  only  to 
make  him  ridiculous. 

A  young  lady's  card  is  smaller  than  that  of  her 
mother.  Turning  down  the  corners  has  gone  entirely 
out  of  fashion  in  this  country. 

It  is  a  rule  with  sticklers  for  good-breeding  that  after 
any  entertainment  a  gentleman  should  leave  his  card 
in  person,  although,  as  we  have  said,  he  often  commits 
it  to  some  feminine  member  of  the  family. 

No  gentleman  should  call  on  a  lady  unless  she  asks 
or  gives  him  leave  to  do  so,  or  unless  he  brings  a  letter 
of  introduction,  or  unless  he  is  taken  by  a  lady  who  is 
sufficiently  intimate  to  invite  him  to  call.  A  lady 
should  say  to  a  gentleman,  if  she  wishes  him  to  call, 
"I  hope  that  we  shall  see  you,"  or,  "I  am  at  home  on 
Monday,"  or  something  of  that  sort.  If  he  receives 
an  invitation  to  dinner  or  to  a  ball  from  a  stranger, 
he  is  bound  to  send  an  immediate  answer,  and  then  to 
call  after  the  entertainment.  Those  who  are  very 
punctilious  also  call  and  leave  a  card  the  day  after 
receiving  such  an  invitation. 


CHAPTER   II 

THE    ETIQUETTE    OP    CALLING 

SERVANT  must  be  taught  to  receive  tke 
cards  at  the  door,  remember  messages,  and 
recollect  for  whom  they  are  left,  as  it  is  not 
Pr°Per  *n  ca-llmg  upon  Mrs.  Brown  at  a  pri- 
vate  house  to  write  her  name  on  your  card. 
At  a  crowded  hotel  this  may  be  allowed,  but 
it  is  not  etiquette  in  visiting  at  private  houses.  In 
returning  visits,  observe  the  exact  etiquette  of  the 
person  who  has  left  the  first  card.  A  call  must  not 
be  returned  with  a  card  only,  or  a  card  by  a  call.  If 
a  person  send  you  a  card  by  post,  return  a  card  by 
post;  if  a  personal  visit  is  made,  return  it  by  a  per- 
sonal visit;  if  your  acquaintance  leave  cards  only, 
without  inquiring  if  yeu  are  at  home,  return  the  same 
courtesy.  If  she  has  left  the  cards  of  the  gentlemen 
of  her  family,  return  those  of  the  gentlemen  of  your 
family. 

A  young  lady's  card  should  almost  always  be  ac- 
companied by  that  of  her  mother  or  her  chaperon. 
It  is  well,  on  her  entrance  into  society,  that  the  name 
of  the  young  lady  be  engraved  on  her  mother's  card. 
After  she  has  been  out  a  year,  she  may  leave  her  own 

10 


ttlquEtt*  of  (Sailing 


card  only.  Here  American  etiquette  begins  to  differ 
from  English  etiquette.  In  London,  on  the  other 
hand,  no  young  lady  leaves  her  card:  if  she  is  moth- 
erless, her  name  is  engraved  beneath  the  name  of  her 
father,  and  the  card  of  her  chaperon  is  left  with 
both  until  she  becomes  a  maiden  lady  of  mature 
age. 

The  old  fashion  of  having  the  names  of  both  husband 
and  wife  engraved  on  one  card,  as  "Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Brown,"  was  revived  a  year  or  two  ago,  but  has  not 
met  with  much  favor.  The  lady  has  also  her  own 
card,  "Mrs.  Octavius  Brown,"  or  with  the  addition, 
"The  Misses  Brown."  Her  husband  has  his  separate 
card;  each  of  the  sons  has  his  own  card.  No  titles  are 
used  on  visiting-cards  in  America,  save  military,  naval, 
or  judicial  ones,  and  those  of  physicians  and  clergymen. 
Indeed,  many  of  our  most  distinguished  judges  have 
had  cards  printed  simply  with  the  name,  without 
prefix  or  affix.  "Mr.  Webster,"  "Mr.  Winthrop," 
"Henry  Clay"  are  well-known  instances  of  simplicity. 
But  a  woman  must  always  use  the  prefix  "Mrs."  or 
"Miss."  No  card  is  less  proper  than  one  which  is 
boldly  engraved  "Gertrude  F.  Brown";  it  should  be 
"Miss  Gertrude  F.  Brown."  A  gentleman  uses  the 
prefix  "Mr."  according  to  modern  custom  as  we  have 
just  quoted. 

A  married  lady  always  bears  her  husband's  name, 
during  his  life,  on  her  card.  The  question  is  occasion- 
ally raised  as  to  whether  she  should  continue  to  call 
herself  "Mrs.  Octavius  Brown"  or  use  her  own  name, 

ii 


fflanntra  and  Mortal 


+**&&&%^^ 

"Mrs.  Mary  Brown,"  after  his  death.  Many  married 
ladies  hesitate  to  discard  the  name  by  which  they 
have  always  been  known,  hence  it  is  usually  retained. 
Where  a  married  son  bears  his  father's  name,  the  widow 
of  the  latter  puts  "Mrs.  Octavius  Brown,  Senior,"  on 
her  cards,  or  sometimes  "Mrs.  Brown."  A  professional 
woman  uses  her  title  just  as  a  man  does,  whether 
she  is  single  or  married.  Thus,  if  she  is  a  physician, 
"Dr.  Maria  Smith,"  would  be  engraved  on  her  visiting- 
card;  "Reverend  Anna  Jones,"  if  she  is  a  minister  of 
the  Gospel.  No  lady  should  leave  cards  upon  an  un- 
married gentleman. 

When  paying  the  first  call  of  the  season,  a  married 
lady  leaves  one  of  her  own  cards  and  two  of  her  hus- 
band's, the  second  of  the  latter  being  intended  for  the 
master  of  the  house.  She  also  leaves  one  card  for  each 
of  her  daughters,  unless  their  names  are  engraved 
beneath  her  own.  If  there  are  young  ladies  in  the 
family  called  upon,  she  would  leave  for  them  an  ad- 
ditional card  of  her  own,  and  also  one  more  of  her 
husband's  and  daughters'.  Unless  her  son  prefers  to 
attend  to  his  social  duties  himself,  she  leaves  the  same 
number  of  cards  for  him  that  she  does  for  her  husband. 
This  would  insure  his  being  included  in  any  general 
invitations  sent  to  the  family. 

Cards  should  be  left  also  for  a  married  daughter 
living  at  home  with  her  parents.  It  would  be  in  bad 
taste,  however,  to  leave  more  than  a  certain  number  — 
three  for  each  visitor  should  suffice.  Some  elderly 
married  ladies  do  not  think  it  incumbent  on  them  to 

12 


gttqugtt*  of  (galling 


•JHSHJHgHgHSHJHi.  frfr  »  &  fr  gttSHJHJHiHSHSHgHSHgHiK^^ 

leave  a  card  of  their  own,  or  one  of  their  husband's 
for  the  young  daughters  of  the  house. 

After  the  first  call  of  the  season,  it  is  not  necessary 
to  leave  the  husband's  card,  unless  in  acknowledgment 
of  an  invitation  extended  to  him.  According  to  pres- 
ent usage,  a  lady  hands  her  card  to  the  servant  at  the 
door,  or  lays  it  upon  the  hall-table,  whenever  she  makes 
a  formal  call.  Formerly  it  was  the  custom  merely  to 
send  up  one's  name,  but  this  is  seldom  done  now,  ex- 
cept in  the  case  of  a  visit  to  a  friend,  or  one  on  business. 
Thus,  if  two  ladies  are  on  the  same  committee,  and 
obliged  to  meet  constantly,  it  would  obviously  be  un- 
necessary to  leave  a  card  every  time  either  of  them 
went  to  see  the  other. 

When  the  lady  of  the  house  is  receiving,  the  caller 
leaves  her  card  upon  the  hall-table  (unless  the  servant 
has  a  salver  in  hand,  ready  to  receive  it)  as  a  reminder 
to  her  hostess  that  she  has  paid  the  visit.  Should  the 
lady  of  the  house  open  the  door  herself,  the  card  must 
by  no  means  be  handed  to  her;  it  should  be  left  as  un- 
obtrusively as  possible  on  the  hall-table  or  elsewhere. 
In  the  country,  or  in  an  apartment-house  in  town,  a 
visitor  is  often  brought  face  to  face  in  this  way,  with 
a  lady  whom  she  has  never  met  before.  She  should  in 
this  case  introduce  herself,  pronouncing  her  own  name 
distinctly. 

When  calling  at  an  apartment-house,  say  to  the 
bell-boy  or  other  person  in  attendance,  "Will  you 
please  take  up  my  card,  and  find  out  whether  Mrs. 
So-and-So  will  see  me?" 

13 


an  ft  Mortal 


When  a  gentleman  calls  on  ladies  who  are  at  home, 
if  he  knows  them  well  he  does  not  send  up  a  card;  the 
servant  announces  his  name.  If  he  does  not  know 
them  well,  he  does  send  up  a  card.  One  card  is  suffi- 
cient, but  he  can  inquire  for  them  all.  In  leaving 
cards  it  is  not  necessary  for  him  to  leave  seven  or  eight, 
but  it  is  customary  to  leave  two  —  one  for  the  lady  of 
the  house,  the  other  for  the  rest  of  the  family  or  the 
stranger  who  is  within  their  gates.  After  the  first  call 
of  the  season,  a  man  need  leave  only  one  card,  accord- 
ing to  recent  usage,  unless  he  leaves  a  second  for  a 
guest  staying  in  the  house.  This  is  because  the  second 
visit  is  usually  in  acknowledgment  of  an  invitation 
from  the  hostess,  hence  one  card  is  left  for  her.  If  a 
gentleman  wishes  particularly  to  call  on  any  one  mem- 
ber, he  says  so  to  the  servant,  as  "Take  my  card  up  to 
Miss  Jones,"  and  he  adds,  "I  should  like  to  see  all  the 
ladies  if  they  are  at  home." 

"Not  at  home"  is  a  proper  formula,  if  ladies  are  not 
receiving;  nor  does  it  involve  a  falsehood.  It  merely 
means  that  the  lady  is  not  at  home  to  company.  The 
servant  should  also  add,  "Mrs.  Brown  receives  on 
Tuesdays,"  if  the  lady  has  a  day.  Were  not  ladies 
able  to  deny  themselves  to  callers,  there  would  be  no 
time  in  crowded  cities  for  any  sort  of  work,  or  repose, 
or  leisure  for  self  -improvement.  For,  with  the  many 
idle  people  who  seek  to  rid  themselves  of  the  pain  and 
penalty  of  their  own  vapid  society  by  calling  and  mak- 
ing somebody  else  entertain  them,  with  the  wandering 
book-agents  and  beggars,  or  with  even  the  overflow  of 

14 


Sfyr   fciiqurti?  of  (Calling 


society,  a  lady  would  find  her  existence  muddled  away 
by  the  poorest  and  most  abject  of  occupations  —  that 
of  receiving  a  number  of  inconsiderate,  and  perhaps 
impertinent,  wasters  of  time. 

It  is  well  for  a  housekeeper  to  devote  one  day  in 
the  week  to  the  reception  of  visitors  —  the  morning  to 
those  who  may  wish  to  see  her  on  business,  and  the 
afternoon  to  those  who  call  socially.  It  saves  her  time 
and  simplifies  matters. 

Nothing  is  more  vulgar  than  that  a  caller  should 
ask  the  servant  where  her  mistress  is,  when  she  went 
out,  when  she  will  be  in,  how  soon  she  will  be  down, 
etc.  All  that  a  well-trained  servant  should  say  to  such 
questions  is,  "I  do  not  know,  madam." 

A  mistress  should  inform  her  servant  after  break- 
fast what  she  is  to  say  to  all  comers.  It  is  very  offen- 
sive to  a  visitor  to  be  let  in,  and  then  be  told  that  she 
cannot  see  the  lady  of  the  house.  She  feels  person- 
ally insulted,  and  as  if,  had  she  been  some  other  per- 
son, the  lady  of  the  house  would  perhaps  have  seen  her. 

If  a  servant,  evidently  ignorant  and  uncertain  of 
his  mistress  and  her  wishes,  says,  "I  will  see  if  Mrs. 
Brown  will  see  you,"  and  ushers  you  into  the  parlor, 
it  is  only  proper  to  go  in  and  wait.  But  it  is  always 
well  to  say,  "If  Mrs.  Brown  is  going  out,  is  dressing, 
or  is  otherwise  engaged,  ask  her  not  to  trouble  herself 
to  come  down."  Mrs.  Brown  will  be  very  much  obliged 
to  you.  In  calling  on  a  friend  who  is  staying  with 
people  with  whom  you  are  not  acquainted,  always 
leave  a  card  for  the  lady  of  the  house.  The  lack  of 

2  15 


anil  Mortal 


<tHgH8H|H$H$H|H|H|HgH^^ 

this  attention  is  severely  felt  by  new  people  who  ma 
entertain  a  fashionable  woman  as  their  guest  —  on 
who  receives  many  calls  from  those  who  do  not  kno1 

I  her  hostess.  It  is  never  proper  to  call  on  a  guest  witl 
out  asking  for  the  hostess. 

Again,  if  the  hostess  be  a  very  fashionable  wotnar 
and  the  visitor  decidedly  not  so,  it  is  equally  vulga 
to  make  one's  friend  who  may  be  a  guest  in  the  hous 
a  sort  of  entering  wedge  for  an  acquaintance;  a  car 
should  be  left,  but  unaccompanied  by  any  request  t 
see  the  lady  of  the  house.  This  every  lady  will  at  one 
understand.  A  lady  who  has  a  guest  staying  with  he 
who  receives  many  calls  should  always  try  to  place 
parlor  at  her  disposal,  where  she  can  see  her  friend 
alone,  unless  she  be  a  very  young  person,  to  whom  th 
chaperonage  of  the  hostess  is  indispensable. 

If  the  lady  of  the  house  is  in  the  drawing-root 
when  the  visitor  arrives  to  call  on  her  guest,  she  is 
of  course,  introduced  and  says  a  few  words;  and  i 
she  is  not  in  the  room,  the  guest  should  inquire  of  th 
visitor  if  the  lady  of  the  house  will  see  him  or  hei 
thus  giving  her  a  chance  to  accept  or  decline. 

In  calling  on  the  sons  or  the  daughters  of  the  house 
a  gentleman  should  leave  a  card  for  the  father  an< 
,  mother.     If  ladies  are  at  home,  cards  should  be  lef 
for  the  gentlemen  of  the  family. 

In  Europe  a  young  man  is  not  allowed  to  ask  fo 
the  young  ladies  of  the  house  in  formal  parlance 
nor  is  he  allowed  to  leave  a  card  on  them  —  socially 
in  Europe  the  "jeune  fille"  has  no  existence.  He  call 

16 


af  flailing 


on  the  mother  or  chaperon;  the  young  lady  may  be 
sent  for,  but  he  must  not  inquire  for  her  first.  Even 
if  she  is  a  young  lady  at  the  head  of  a  house,  he  is 
not  allowed  to  call  upon  her  without  some  prelimina- 
ries; some  amiable  female  friend  must  manage  to 
bring  them  together. 

In  America  the  other  extreme  has  led  to  a  careless 
system  of  etiquette,  by  which  young  ladies  are  rec- 
ognized as  altogether  leaders  of  society,  receiving  the 
guests  and  pushing  their  mothers  into  the  background. 
No  young  lady  who  is  visiting  in  a  strange  city  or  coun- 
try town  should  ever  receive  the  visits  of  gentlemen 
without  asking  the  hostess  and  her  daughters  to  come 
down  and  be  introduced  to  them;  nor  should  she  ever 
invite  such  persons  to  call  without  asking  her  hostess 
if  it  would  be  agreeable.  Too  many  young  American 
girls  are  in  the  habit  of  making  of  a  friend's  house 
a  convenience  by  which  an  acquaintance  with  young 
men  may  be  carried  on  —  young  men,  too,  perhaps,  who 
have  been  forbidden  to  call  on  them  in  their  own  homes. 

A  bride  receives  her  callers  after  she  has  settled 
down  in  her  married  home  just  as  any  lady  does. 
There  is  no  particular  etiquette  observed.  She  sends 
out  cards  for  two  or  three  reception  -  days,  and  her 
friends  and'  new  acquaintances  call  or  send  cards  on 
these  days.  She  must  not,  however,  call  on  her  friends 
until  they  have  called  upon  her. 

As  many  of  these  callers  —  friends,  perhaps,  of  the 
bridegroom  —  are  unknown  to  the  bride,  it  is  well  to 
have  a  servant  announce  the  names;  and  they  should 

17 


also  leave  their  cards  in  the  hall  that  she  may  be  able 
to  know  where  to  return  the  visits. 

For  reception-days  a  lady  wears  an  elaborate  high- 
neck  dress,  taking  care,  however,  never  to  be  overdress- 
ed at  home.  She  rises  when  her  visitors  enter,  and  is 
careful  to  seat  her  friends  so  that  she  can  have  a  word 
with  each.  If  this  is  impossible,  she  keeps  her  eye  on 
the  recent  arrivals  to  be  sure  to  speak  to  every  one. 
She  is  to  be  forgiven  if  she  pays  more  attention  to  the 
aged,  to  some  distinguished  stranger,  or  to  some  one 
who  has  the  still  higher  claim  of  misfortune,  or  to  one 
of  a  modest  and  shrinking  temperament,  than  to  one 
young,  gay,  fashionable,  and  rich.  If  she  neglects 
these  fortunate  visitors  they  will  not  feel  it;  if  she 
bows  low  to  them  and  neglects  the  others,  she  betrays 
that  she  is  a  snob.  If  a  lady  is  not  sure  that  she  is 
known  by  name  to  her  hostess,  she  should  not  fail  to 
pronounce  her  own  name.  Many  ladies  send  their 
cards  to  the  young  brides  who  have  come  into  a  friend's 
family,  and  yet  who  are  without  personal  acquaint- 
ance. Many,  alas!  forget  faces,  so  that  a  name  quickly 
pronounced  is  a  help.  In  the  event  of  an  exchange 
of  calls  between  two  ladies  who  have  never  met  (and 
this  has  gone  on  for  years  in  New  York,  sometimes 
until  death  has  removed  one  forever),  they  should 
take  an  early  opportunity  of  speaking  to  each  other 
at  some  friend's  house;  the  younger  should  approach 
the  elder  and  introduce  herself;  it  is  always  regarded 
as  a  kindness;  or  the  one  who  has  received  the  first 
attention  should  be  the  first  to  speak. 

18 


Sfyr  Ettqurttr  of  (tailing 


Strangers  staying  in  town  who  wish  to  be  called 
upon  should  send  their  cards  by  post,  with  address 
attached,  to  those  whom  they  would  like  to  see. 

"P.  p.  c."  or  as  it  is  sometimes  written  "P.  P.  C." 
(Pour  prendre  cong&)  cards  are  sent  to  one's  circle  of 
friends  and  acquaintance,  when  one  is  about  to  leave 
town  for  a  long  absence,  or  to  remove  to  another  city. 
The  joint  card  of  husband  and  wife,  "Dr.  and  Mrs.  J. 
B.  Watson"  is  thus  used,  and  can  be  sent  in  an  en- 
velope by  post.  Society  is  rapidly  getting  over  its 
prejudice  against  sending  cards  by  post.  In  Europe  it 
is  always  done,  and  it  is  much  safer.  Etiquette  and 
hospitality  have  been  reduced  to  a  system  in  the  Old 
World.  It  would  be  much  more  convenient  could  we 
do  that  here.  Ceremonious  visiting  is  the  machinery 
by  which  an  acquaintance  is  kept  up  in  a  circle  too  large 
for  social  visiting;  but  every  lady  should  try  to  make 
one  or  two  informal  calls  each  winter  on  intimate  friends. 
These  calls  can  be  made  in  the  morning  in  the  plainest 
walking-dress,  and  are  certainly  the  most  agreeable 
and  flattering  of  all  visits. 

Ladies  can,  and  often  do,  write  informal  invitations 
on  the  visiting-card.  To  teas,  readings,  and  small  par- 
ties may  be  added  the  day  of  reception.  It  is  con- 
venient and  proper  to  send  these  cards  by  post. 


CHAPTER   III 


CARDS    OP    COURTESY 

DISTINGUISHED  lady  of  New  York,  on  re- 
covering from  a  severe  illness,  issued  a  card 
which  is  a  new  departure.  In  admiring  its 
fitness  and  the  need  which  has  existed  for 
just  such  a  card,  one  wonders  that  no  one 
has  before  invented  something  so  compact 
and  stately,  pleasing  and  proper.  It  reads  thus,  en- 
graved in  elegant  script,  plain  and  modest,  "Mrs. 

presents  her  compliments  and  thanks  for  recent  kind 
inquiries/'  This  card,  sent  in  an  envelope,  reached 
all  those  who  had  left  cards  and  inquiries  for  a  useful 
and  eminent  member  of  society,  who  lay  for  weeks 
trembling  between  life  and  death. 

This  card  is  an  attention  to  her  large  circle  of  anx- 
ious friends  which  only  a  kind-hearted  woman  would 
have  thought  of,  and  yet  the  thought  was  all;  for  after 
that  the  engraver  and  the  secretary  could  do  the  rest, 
showing  what  a  labor-saving  invention  it  is  to  a  busy 
woman  who  is  not  yet  sufficiently  strong  to  write  notes 
to  all  who  have  felt  for  her  severe  suffering.  The  first 
thought  in  convalescence  is  of  gratitude,  and  the  second 
that  we  have  created  an  interest  and  compassion  among 

20 


(finttrtrsy 


our  friends,  and  that  we  were  not  alone  as  we  struggled 
with  disease.  Therefore  this  card  should  become  a 
fashion.  It  meets  a  universal  want. 

This  may  be  called  one  of  the  "cards  of  compli- 
ment" —  a  phase  of  card-leaving  to  which  we  have 
hardly  reached  in  this  country.  It  is  even  more,  it  is 
a  heart-felt  and  friendly  blossom  of  etiquette. 

Now  as  to  the  use  of  it  by  the  afflicted:  why  would 
it  not  be  well  for  persons  who  have  lost  a  friend  to 
have  such  a  card  engraved  ?  '  '  Mr.  R  -  begs  to  ex- 
press his  thanks  for  your  kind  sympathy  in  his  recent 
bereavement,"  etc.  It  is  already  becoming  customary 
for  them  to  write  such  a  brief  message  on  a  card. 

Those  cards  which  we  send  by  a  servant  to  make 
the  necessary  inquiries  for  a  sick  friend,  for  the  happy 
mother  and  the  new-born  baby,  are  essentially  "cards 
of  compliment."  In  excessively  ceremonious  circles 
the  visits  of  ceremony  on  these  occasions  are  very 
elaborate,  as  at  the  Court  of  Spain,  for  instance;  and 
a  lady  of  New  York  was  once  much  amused  at  receiv- 
ing the  card  of  a  superb  Spanish  official,  who  called  on 
her  newly  arrived  daughter  when  the  latter  was  three 
days  old,  leaving  a  card  for  the  "new  daughter."  He 
of  course  left  a  card  for  the  happy  mamma,  and  did 
not  ask  to  go  farther  than  the  door,  but  he  came  in 
state. 

For  the  purpose  of  returning  thanks,  printed  cards 
are  used  with  the  owner's  name  written  above  the 
printed  words.  These  cards  are  generally  sent  by  post, 
as  they  are  despatched  while  the  person  inquired  after 

21 


att&  Mortal 


is  still  an  invalid.  These  cards  are  also  used  to  con- 
vey the  intelligence  of  the  sender's  recovery.  There- 
fore they  would  not  be  sent  while  the  person  was  in 
danger  or  seriously  ill. 

But  this  has  always  seemed  to  us  a  very  poor  and 
business-like  way  of  returning  "kind  inquiries."  The 
printed  card  looks  cheap.  Far  better  the  engraved  and 
carefully  prepared  card  of  Mrs.  -  ,  which  has  the 
effect  of  a  personal  compliment. 

We  do  not  in  this  country  send  those  hideous  funeral 
or  memorial  cards  which  are  sold  in  England  at  every 
stationer's  to  apprise  one's  friends  of  a  death  in  the 
family.  There  is  no  need  of  this,  as  the  newspapers 
spread  the  sad  intelligence. 

There  is,  however,  a  very  elaborate  paper  called  a 
"faire  part,"  issued  in  both  England  and  France  after 
a  death,  in  which  the  mourner  announces  to  you  the 
lamented  decease  of  some  person  connected  with  him. 
Also,  on  the  occasion  of  a  marriage,  these  elaborate 
papers,  engraved  on  a  large  sheet  of  letter-paper,  are 
sent  to  all  one's  acquaintances  in  England  and  on  the 
Continent. 

It  is  a  convenience,  although  not  a  universal  cus- 
tom, to  have  the  joint  names  of  husband  and  wife,  as 
"Dr.  and  Mrs.  James  Brown  Watson,"  printed  on  one 
card,  to  use  as  a  card  of  condolence  or  congratulation. 

Cards  ©f  condolence  can  be  left  the  week  after  the 
event  which  occasions  them.  In  large  cities  personal 
visits  are  only  made  by  relatives  or  very  intimate  friends 
who  will  of  course  be  their  own  judges  of  the  propriety 

22 


(Earha  af  (SnurUsg 


of  speaking  fully  of  the  grief  which  has  desolated  the 
house.  The  cards  are  left  at  the  door  by  the  caller  in- 
quiring for  the  afflicted  persons,  and  one  card  is  as  good 
as  half  a  dozen.  It  is  not  necessary  to  deluge  a  mourn- 
ing family  with  cards.  They  may  be  inscribed  "With 
sincere  sympathy,"  or  a  similar  brief  message,  and  are 
sometimes  sent  by  mail. 

Cards  of  condolence  must  be  acknowledged  by  a 
mourning-card  sent  in  an  envelope  at  such  reasonable 
time  after  the  death  of  a  relative  as  one  can  determine 
again  to  take  up  the  business  of  society. 

Cards  of  congratulation  are  left  in  person,  and  if  the 
ladies  are  at  home  the  visitor  should  go  in,  and  be 
cordial  in  the  expression  of  his  or  her  good  wishes. 
For  such  visits  a  card  sent  by  post  would,  among  in- 
timate friends,  be  considered  cold-blooded.  It  must 
at  least  be  left  in  person. 

Now  as  to  cards  of  ceremony.  These  are  to  be  for- 
warded to  those  who  have  sent  invitations  to  wed- 
dings, carefully  addressed  to  the  person  who  invites 
you;  also  after  an  entertainment  to  which  you  have 
been  asked.  As  we  have  already  said,  a  dinner  call 
should  be  made  in  person  and  within  a  week,  or  at 
furthest  a  fortnight,  on  the  lady's  "day,"  if  she  has 
one.  Only  calls  of  pure  ceremony  are  made  by  hand- 
ing in  cards,  as  at  a  tea  or  general  reception,  etc. 
Where  one  is  invited  to  a  series  of  receptions,  it  is 
only  necessary  to  leave  cards  once,  although  it  is  per- 
missible to  go  a  second  time. 

Under  the  mixed  heads  of  courtesy  and  compliment 


fHattttrrs  attb  §>0rtal 


should  be  those  calls  made  to  formally  announce  a  be- 
trothal. The  parents  leave  the  cards  of  the  betrothed 
pair,  with  their  own,  on  all  the  connections  and  friends 
of  the  two  families.  This  is  a  formal  announcement, 
and  all  who  receive  this  intimation  should  make  a  con- 
gratulatory visit  if  possible. 

As  young  people  are  often  asked  without  their  par- 
ents, the  question  arises,  What  should  the  parents  do 
to  show  their  sense  of  this  attention?  They  should 
leave  or  send  their  cards  with  those  of  their  children 
who  have  received  the  invitation.  These  are  cards  of 
courtesy.  Cards  ought  not  to  be  left  on  the  daughters 
of  a  family  without  also  including  the  parents  in  cour- 
teous formality.  Cards  left  on  a  reception-day  where 
a  person  is  visiting  are  not  binding  on  the  visitor  to 
return.  No  separate  card  is  left  on  a  guest  on  recep- 
tion-days unless  one  is  especially  invited  to  meet  her. 

When  returning  visits  of  ceremony,  as  the  first  visit 
after  a  letter  of  introduction,  or  as  announcing  your 
arrival  in  town,  or  your  intended  departure,  one  may 
leave  a  card  at  the  door  without  inquiring  for  the  lady. 

Attention  to  these  little  things  is  a  proof  at  once  of 
self-respect  and  of  respect  for  one's  friends.  They 
soon  become  easy  matters  of  habit  and  of  memory. 
To  the  well-bred  they  are  second  nature.  No  one  who 
is  desirous  of  pleasing  in  society  should  neglect  them. 

A  lady  should  never  call  on  a  gentleman  unless  pro- 
fessionally in  business  hours  and  at  his  office.  She 
should  knock  at  his  door,  send  in  her  card,  and  be  as 
ceremonious  as  possible.  Such  a  visit  should  be  brief. 

24 


nf  (£0urt?sif 


A  courteous  man  dislikes  to  dismiss  a  feminine  client 
or  patient  if  he  can  avoid  doing  so,  and  she  must  not 
take  advantage  of  her  sex  to  waste  another  person's 
valuable  time.  If  it  is  necessary  for  a  young  woman 
to  call  upon  a  young  or  single  man  in  this  way,  she 
should  be  accompanied  by  a  friend,  or  by  an  older 
woman.  This  may  not  be  possible  if  she  herself  is  a 
business  woman.  A  quiet  and  dignified  manner  and 
the  absence  of  all  coquetry  must  be  her  protection. 

On  entering  a  crowded  drawing-room  it  may  be  im- 
possible to  find  the  hostess  at  once,  so  that  in  many 
fine  houses  in  New  York  and  elsewhere  the  custom  of 
announcing  the  name  has  become  a  necessary  fashion. 
It  is  impossible  to  attempt  to  be  polite  without  cul- 
tivating a  good  memory.  The  absent  or  self-absorbed 
person  who  forgets  names  and  faces,  who  recalls  un- 
lucky topics,  confuses  relationships,  speaks  of  the  dead 
as  if  they  were  living,  or  talks  about  an  unlucky  ad- 
venture in  the  family,  who  plunges  into  personalities, 
who  metaphorically  treads  on  a  person's  toes,  will 
never  succeed  in  society.  He  must  consider  his  "cards 
of  courtesy." 

The  French  talk  of  "la-  politesse  du  foyer."  They 
are  full  of  it.  Small  sacrifices,  little  courtesies,  a  kind- 
ly spirit,  insignificant  attentions,  self-control,  an  allow- 
ance for  the  failings  of  others  —  these  go  to  make  up 
the  elegance  of  life.  True  courtesy  has  very  deep 
roots.  We  should  not  cultivate  politeness  merely  from 
a  wish  to  please,  but  because  we  would  consider  the 
feelings  and  spare  the  time  of  others.  Cards  of  com- 

25 


IHannrrB  an&  burial 


pliment  and  courtesy,  therefore,  save  time  as  well  as 
express  a  kindly  remembrance.  Everything  in  our 
busy  world — or  "whirl,"  as  some  people  call  it — that 
does  these  two  things  is  a  valuable  discovery. 

A  card  is  always  sent  with  flowers,  books,  bonbon- 
nieres,  game,  sweetmeats,  fruits — any  of  the  small 
gifts  which  are  freely  offered  among  intimate  friends. 
But  in  acknowledging  these  gifts  or  attentions  a  card 
is  not  a  sufficient  return.  Nor  is  it  proper  to  write 
" regrets"  or  "accepts"  on  a  card.  A  note  should  be 
written  in  either  case. 

The  ceremony  of  paying  visits  and  of  leaving  cards 
has  been  decided  by  the  satirist  to  be  meaningless 
and  useless;  but  it  underlies  the  very  structure  of  so- 
ciety. Visits  of  form,  visits  of  ceremony  are  abso- 
lutely necessary.  You  can  hardly  invite  people  to 
your  house  until  you  have  called  and  have  left  a  card. 
And  thus  one  has  a  safeguard  against  intrusive  and 
undesirable  acquaintances.  To  stop  an  acquaintance, 
one  has  but  to  stop  leaving  cards.  It  is  thus  done 
quietly  but  securely. 

Gentlemen  who  have  no  time  to  call  should  be  repre- 
sented by  their  cards.  These  may  well  be  trusted  to 
the  hands  of  wife,  mother,  daughter,  sister,  but  should 
be  punctiliously  left. 

The  card  may  well  be  noted  as  belonging  only  to  a 
high  order  of  development.  It  is  the  tool  of  civiliza- 
tion, its  "field-mark  and  device."  It  may  be  im- 
proved; it  may  be,  and  has  been,  abused;  but  it 
cannot  be  dispensed  with  under  our  present  envi- 

26 


(Earfcs  0f  dnurteag 


ronment.  Of  course,  there  are  differences  of  opinion 
as  to  the  size  and  shape  of  cards,  whea  they  should  be 
left,  and  so  on,  but  the  general  and  inherent  principles 
of  good  etiquette  are  all  mentioned  in  these  chapters. 


CHAPTER  IV 

INTRODUCTIONS 

|HE  English  have  a  very  sensible  rule — that 
the  "roof  is  an  introduction,"  and  that  vis- 
itors can  converse  together  without  further 
notice — a  rule  which  is  not  generally  under- 
stood in  our  own  country.  So  unfamiliar  are 
Americans  with  it,  that  even  in  very  good 
houses  one  lady  has  spoken  to  another,  perhaps  to  a 
young  girl,  and  has  received  no  answer,  "because  she 
had  not  been  introduced";  but  this  state  of  ignorance 
is,  fortunately,  not  very  common.  It  should  be  met  by 
the  surprised  rejoinder  of  the  Hoosier  school-mistress, 
"Don't  yer  know  enough  to  speak  when  yer  spoken 
to?"  Let  every  woman  remember,  whether  she  is 
from  the  country  or  from  the  most  fashionable  city 
house,  that  no  such  casual  conversation  can  hurt 
her.  It  does  not  involve  the  further  acquaintance 
of  these  two  persons.  They  may  cease  to  know  each 
other  when  they  go  down  the  front  steps;  and  it  would 
be  kinder  if  they  would  both  relieve  the  lady  of  the 
house  of  their  joint  entertainment  by  joining  in  the 
general  conversation,  or  even  speaking  to  each  other. 
A  hostess  in  this  land  is  sometimes  young,  embar- 

28 


rassed,  and  not  fluent.  The  presence  of  two  ladies  with 
whom  she  is  not  very  well  acquainted  herself,  and 
both  of  whom  she  must  entertain,  presents  a  fearful 
dilemma.  It  is  a  kindness  to  her,  which  should  out- 
weigh the  dangers  of  making  an  acquaintance  in  "an- 
other set,"  if  those  ladies  converse  a  little  with  each 
other. 

The  question  may  be  asked,  Should  she  introduce 
these  ladies  to  each  other  ?  In  our  opinion  she  should, 
especially  if  the  situation  threatens  to  become  awk- 
ward. 

There  is  a  difference  of  opinion  on  this  subject,  how- 
ever. Some  people  who  are  fond  of  following  foreign 
customs  do  not  introduce  their  guests.  An  old  and 
well-known  rule  forbids  the  introduction  of  two  ladies 
living  in  the  same  town,  without  the  permission  of  both. 

The  still  older  rule  of  hospitality,  however,  prescribes 
that  a  hostess  shall  put  her  guests  at  their  ease.  Hence 
the  majority  of  our  people  still  refuse  to  follow  the 
foreign  custom,  and  many  ladies  belonging  to  our  best 
and  oldest  families  adhere  to  the  old  American  custom 
and  introduce  their  guests  where  occasion  requires  it. 
They  do  this  with  discretion,  however,  and  avoid  for- 
mally presenting  two  fellow  -townswomen,  to  one  or 
both  of  whom  the  acquaintance  might  be  distasteful. 
The  difference  should  here  be  noted  between  a  formal 
and  a  casual  introduction.  The  latter  is  made  to  save 
awkwardness,  and  need  not  entail  further  acquaint- 
ance. The  former  is  made  with  deliberate  purpose,  as 
when  one  person  is  brought  up  to  another. 

29 


jjanngra  anfr  Mortal 


If  one  lady  desires  to  be  introduced  to  another,  the 
hostess  should  ask  if  she  may  do  so,  of  course  unob- 
trusively. Sometimes  this  places  one  lady  in  an  un- 
fortunate position  towards  another.  She  does  not 
know  exactly  what  to  do.  Mrs.  So-and-so  may  have  the 
gift  of  exclusiveness,  and  may  desire  that  Mrs.  That- 
and-that  shall  not  have  the  privilege  of  bowing  to 
her.  Gurowski  says,  in  his  very  clever  book  on  Amer- 
ica, that  snobbishness  is  a  peculiarity  of  the  fashion- 
able set  in  America,  because  they  do  not  know  where 
they  stand.  It  is  the  peculiarity  of  vulgar  people 
everywhere,  whether  they  sit  on  thrones  or  keep 
shops;  snobs  are  born  —  not  made.  If,  however,  a 
woman  has  this  gift  or  this  drawback  of  exclusive- 
ness,  it  is  wrong  to  invade  her  privacy  by  introducing 
people  to  her. 

Introducing  should  not  be  indiscriminately  done 
either  at  home  or  in  society  by  any  lady,  however 
kind-hearted.  Her  own  position  must  be  maintained, 
and  that  may  demand  a  certain  loyalty  to  her  own  set. 
She  must  be  careful  how  she  lets  loose  on  society  an 
undesirable  or  aggressive  man,  for  instance,  or  a  great 
bore,  or  a  vulgar,  irritating  woman.  These  will  all 
be  social  obstacles  to  the  young  ladies  of  her  family, 
whom  she  must  first  consider.  She  must  not  add  to 
the  embarrassments  of  a  lady  who  has  already  too 
large  a  visiting  -  list.  Unsolicited  introductions  are 
bad  for  both  persons.  Some  large-hearted  women 
of  society  are  too  generous  by  half  in  this  way.  A 
lady  should  by  adroit  questions  find  out  how  a  new 

30 


<tKtHJHSHJHgHSHiH|HgHSHSHfr^^ 

acquaintance  would  be  received,  whether  or  not  it 
is  the  desire  of  both  women  to  know  each  other;  for, 
if  there  is  the  slightest  doubt  existing  on  this  point, 
she  will  be  blamed  by  both.  It  is  often  the  good- 
natured  desire  of  a  sympathetic  person  that  the 
people  whom  she  knows  well  should  know  each  other. 
She  therefore  strives  to  bring  them  together  at  lunch 
or  dinner,  but  perhaps  finds  out  afterwards  that  one 
of  the  ladies  has  particular  objections  to  knowing 
the  other,  and  she  is  not  thanked.  The  disaffected 
guest  shows  her  displeasure  by  being  impolite  to  the 
pushing  one,  as  she  may  consider  her.  Had  no  intro- 
duction taken  place,  she  argues,  she  might  have  still 
enjoyed  a  reputation  for  courtesy.  Wary  women  of 
the  world  are  therefore  very  shy  of  introducing  two 
women  to  each  other. 

This  is  the  awkward  side.  The  more  agreeable 
and,  we  may  say,  humane  side  has  its  thousands  and 
thousands  of  supporters,  who  believe  that  a  friendly 
introduction  hurts  no  one. 

Society  is  such  a  complicated  organization,  and  its 
laws  are  so  lamentably  unwritten,  yet  so  deeply  en- 
graved on  certain  minds,  that  these  things  become  im- 
portant to  those  who  are  always  winding  and  unwind- 
ing the  chains  of  fashion. 

It  is  therefore  well  to  state  it  as  a  received  rule 
that  no  gentleman  should  ever  be  introduced  to  a  lady 
unless  her  permission  has  been  asked  and  she  be  given 
an  opportunity  to  refuse;  and  that  no  woman  should 
be  introduced  formally  to  another  unless  the  intro- 
3  31 


anft  Mortal 


ducer  has  consulted  the  wishes  of  both  women.  No 
delicate  -  minded  person  would  ever  intrude  herself 
upon  the  notice  of  a  person  to  whom  she  had  been 
casually  introduced  in  a  friend's  drawing-room;  but 
all  the  world,  unfortunately,  is  not  made  up  of  deli- 
cate-minded persons. 

In  making  an  introduction,  the  gentleman  is  pre- 
sented to  the  lady  with  some  such  informal  speech  as 
this:  "Mrs.  A,  allow  me  to  present  Mr.  B";  or,  "Mrs. 
A,  Mr.  B  desires  the  honor  of  knowing  you."  In 
introducing  two  women,  present  the  younger  to  the 
older,  the  question  of  rank  not  holding  good  in  our 
society  where  the  position  of  the  husband,  be  he  judge, 
general,  senator,  or  president  even,  does  not  give  his 
wife  fashionable  position.  She  may  be  of  far  less  im- 
portance in  the  great  world  of  society  than  some  Mrs. 
Smith,  who,  having  nothing  else,  is  set  down  as  of 
the  highest  rank  in  that  unpublished  but  well-known 
book  of  heraldry  which  is  so  thoroughly  understood  in 
America  as  a  tradition.  It  is  the  proper  thing  for  a 
gentleman  to  ask  a  mutual  friend  or  an  acquaintance 
to  introduce  him  to  a  lady,  and  there  are  few  occasions 
when  this  request  is  refused.  In  our  crowded  ball- 
rooms, chaperons  often  ask  young  men  if  they  will  be 
introduced  to  their  charges.  It  is  better  before  ask- 
ing the  young  men  of  this  present  luxurious  age,  if 
they  will  not  only  be  introduced,  but  if  they  propose 
to  dance,  with  the  young  lady,  else  that  young  person 
may  be  mortified  by  a  snub.  It  is  painful  to  record, 
as  we  must,  that  the  age  of  chivalry  is  past,  and  that 

32 


at  a  gay  ball  young  men  appear  supremely  selfish, 
and  desire  generally  only  introductions  to  the  reign- 
ing belle,  or  to  an  heiress,  not  deigning  to  look  at  the 
humble  wall-flower,  who  is  neither,  but  whose  woman- 
hood should  command  respect.  Ballroom  introduc- 
tions are  supposed  to  mean,  on  the  part  of  the  gentle- 
man, either  an  intention  to  dance  with  the  young  lady, 
to  walk  with  her,  to  talk  to  her  through  one  dance,  or 
to  show  her  some  other  attention. 

Men  rarely  ask  to  be  introduced  to  each  other, 
but  if  a  lady,  through  some  desire  of  her  own,  wishes 
to  present  them,  she  should  never  be  met  by  in- 
difference on  their  part.  Men  have  a  right  to  be 
exclusive  as  to  their  acquaintances,  of  course;  but  at 
a  lady's  table,  or  in  her  parlor,  they  should  never 
openly  show  distaste  for  each  other's  society  before 
her. 

In  America  it  is  the  fashion  to  shake  hands,  and 
most  women,  if  desirous  of  being  cordial,  extend  their 
hands  even  on  a  first  introduction;  but  it  is,  perhaps, 
more  elegant  to  make  a  bow  only  at  a  first  introduc- 
tion. 

In  her  own  house  a  hostess  should  always  extend 
her  hand  to  a  person  brought  to  her  by  a  mutual 
friend,  and  introduced  for  the  first  time.  Indeed,  in 
the  opinion  of  most  persons,  a  hostess  should  shake 
hands  with  all  guests  in  her  own  house. 

At  a  dinner-party,  a  few  minutes  before  dinner,  the 
hostess  introduces  to  a  lady  the  gentleman  who  is  to 
take  her  down  to  the  dining-room,  but  makes  no  fur- 

33 


attin  Mortal  -Bnaggg 


ther  introductions,  except  in  the  case  of  a  distinguished 
stranger,  to  whom  all  the  company  are  introduced. 
Here  people,  as  we  have  said,  are  shy  of  speaking,  but 
they  should  not  be,  for  the  room  where  they  meet  is 
a  sufficient  guarantee  that  they  can  converse  without 
any  loss  of  dignity. 

At  large  gatherings  in  the  country  it  is  proper  for 
the  lady  to  introduce  her  guests  to  each  other,  and  it 
is  perfectly  proper  to  do  this  without  asking  permission 
of  either  party.  A  mother  always  introduces  her  son 
or  daughter,  a  husband  his  wife,  or  a  wife  her  hus- 
band, without  asking  permission. 

A  gentleman,  after  being  introduced  to  a  lady,  must 
wait  for  her  to  bow  first  before  he  ventures  to  claim 
her  as  an  acquaintance. 

This  is  Anglo-Saxon  etiquette.  On  the  Continent, 
however,  the  gentleman  bows  first.  There  the  matter 
of  the  raising  the  hat  is  also  important.  An  Ameri- 
can gentleman  takes  his  hat  quite  off  to  a  lady;  a 
foreigner  raises  it  but  slightly,  and  bows  with  a  def- 
erential air.  Between  ladies  but  slightly  acquainted, 
and  just  introduced,  a  very  formal  bow  is  all  that  is 
proper;  acquaintances  and  friends  bow  and  smile; 
intimate  male  friends  simply  nod,  but  all  gentlemen 
with  ladies  raise  the  hat  and  bow  if  the  lady  recog- 
nizes a  friend. 

Introductions  which  take  place  out-of-doors,  as  on 
the  lawn-tennis  ground,  in  the  hunting  -field,  in  the 
street,  or  in  any  casual  way,  are  not  to  be  taken  as 
necessarily  formal,  unless  the  lady  chooses  so  to  con- 

34 


sider  them.  The  same  may  be  said  of  introductions 
at  a  watering-place,  where  a  group  of  ladies  walking 
together  may  meet  other  ladies  or  gentlemen,  and  join 
forces  for  a  walk  or  drive.  Introductions  are  needful, 
and  should  be  made  by  the  oldest  lady  of  the  party, 
but  are  not  to  be  considered  as  making  an  acquaint- 
ance necessary  between  the  persons  if  neither  should 
afterwards  wish  it.  It  is  universally  conceded  now 
that  this  sort  of  casual  introduction  does  not  involve 
either  lady  in  the  net-work  of  a  future  acquaintance; 
nor  need  a  lady  recognize  a  gentleman,  if  she  does  not 
choose  to  do  so,  after  a  watering-place  introduction. 
It  is  always,  however,  more  polite  to  bow;  that  civil- 
ity hurts  no  one. 

There  are  in  our  new  country  many  women  who 
consider  themselves  fashionable  leaders  —  members  of 
an  exclusive  set  —  and  who  fear  if  they  should  know 
some  other  women  out  of  that  set  that  they  would  im- 
peril their  social  standing.  These  people  have  no  titles 
by  which  they  can  be  known,  so  they  preserve  their 
exclusiveness  by  disagreeable  manners,  as  one  would 
hedge  a  garden  by  a  border  of  prickly-pear.  The 
result  is  that  much  ill-feeling  is  engendered  in  society, 
and  people  whom  these  old  aristocrats  call  the  "nou- 
veaux  riches,"  "parvenus,"  etc.,  are  always  having 
their  feelings  hurt.  The  fact  remains  that  the  best- 
bred  and  most  truly  aristocratic  people  do  not  find  it 
necessary  to  hurt  any  one's  feelings.  An  introduction 
never  harms  anybody,  and  a  woman  with  the  slight- 
est tact  can  keep  off  a  vulgar  and  a  pushing  person 

35 


attib  Mortal 


without  being  rude.  It  is  to  be  feared  that  there  are 
vulgar  natures  among  those  who  aspire  to  be  con- 
sidered exclusive,  and  that  they  are  gratified  if  they 
can  presumably  increase  their  own  importance  by 
seeming  exclusive;  but  it  is  not  necessary  to  dwell 
on  such  people. 

The  place  given  here  to  the  ill-bred  is  only  con- 
ceded to  them  that  one  may  realize  the  great  demands 
made  upon  the  tact  and  the  good  feeling  of  a  hostess. 
She  must  have  a  quick  apprehension;  she  may  and 
will  remember,  however,  that  it  is  very  easily  for- 
given, this  kind-heartedness  —  that  it  is  better  to  sin 
against  etiquette  than  to  do  an  unkind  thing. 

Great  pains  should  be  taken  by  a  hostess  to  introduce 
shy  people  and  young  people  who  know  few  of  the 
persons  present.  It  is  well  for  a  lady  in  presenting 
two  strangers  to  say  something  which  may  break  the 
ice,  and  make  the  conversation  easy  and  agreeable; 
as,  for  instance,  "Mrs.  Smith,  allow  me  to  present 
Mr.  Brown,  who  has  just  arrived  from  New  Zealand"; 
or,  "Mrs.  Jones,  allow  me  to  present  Mrs.  Walsingham, 
of  Washington  —  or  San  Francisco,"  so  that  the  two 
may  naturally  have  a  question  and  answer  ready  with 
which  to  step  over  the  threshold  of  conversation  with- 
out tripping. 

At  a  five-o'clock  tea  or  a  large  reception  there  are 
reasons  why  a  lady  cannot  introduce  any  one  but  the 
daughter  or  sister  whom  she  has  in  charge.  A  lady 
who  comes  and  knows  no  one  sometimes  goes  away 
feeling  that  her  hostess  has  been  inattentive,  because 

36 


no  one  has  spoken  to  her.  She  remembers  Europe, 
where  the  roof  -tree  is  an  introduction,  and  where  people 
spoke  kindly  to  her,  and  did  not  pass  her  by.  Dinner- 
parties in  stiff  and  formal  London  have  this  great  at- 
traction; a  gentleman  steps  up  and  speaks  to  a  lady, 
although  they  have  never  met  before,  and  often  takes 
her  down  to  dinner  without  an  introduction.  The 
women  chat  after  dinner  like  old  friends;  every  one 
knows  that  the  roof  is  a  sufficient  guarantee. 

We  hold  it  proper,  all  things  considered,  that  at 
dinner-parties  and  receptions  a  hostess  may  introduce 
her  friends  to  each  other.  So  long  as  there  is  em- 
barrassment, and  the  result  be  stupidity  and  gloom, 
and  a  party  silent  and  thumb-twisting,  instead  of 
gayly  conversing,  as  it  should  be;  so  long  as  people  do 
not  come  together  easily  —  it  is  manifestly  proper  that 
the  hostess  should  put  her  finger  on  the  social  pendu- 
lum, and  give  it  a  swing  to  start  the  conversational 
clock.  All  well-bred  people  recognize  the  propriety 
of  speaking  to  even  an  enemy  at  a  dinner-party,  al- 
though they  would  suffer  no  recognition  two  hours 
later.  The  same  principle  holds  good,  of  course,  if,  in 
the  true  exercise  of  her  hospitality,  the  hostess  should 
introduce  some  person  whom  she  would  like  to  com- 
mend. These  are  the  exceptions  which  prove  the  rule. 

Care  should  be  taken  in  presenting  foreigners  to 
young  ladies;  sometimes  titles  are  dubious.  Here 
a  hostess  is  to  be  forgiven  if  she  positively  declines. 
She  may  say,  politely:  "I  hardly  think  I  know  you 
well  enough  to  present  you  to  that  young  lady.  You 

37 


JHatttters  attft  Mortal 


.$KgHgH|H$H3H|HgH§HgH§^^ 

must  wait  until  her  parents  (or  guardians)  will  present 
you." 

But  the  numbers  of  agreeable  people  who  are  ready 
and  waiting  to  be  introduced  are  many.  The  woman 
of  literary  distinction  and  the  possessor  of  an  honored 
name  may  be  invincibly  shy  and  afraid  to  speak; 
while  her  next  neighbor,  knowing  her  fame  perhaps, 
and  anxious  to  make  her  acquaintance,  misconstrues 
shyness  for  pride  —  a  masquerade  which  bashfulness 
sometimes  plays;  so  two  persons,  with  volumes  to  say 
to  each  other,  remain  silent  as  fishes,  until  the  kind- 
ly magician  comes  along,  and,  by  the  open  sesame  of 
an  introduction,  unlocks  the  treasure  which  has  been 
so  deftly  hidden.  A  woman  of  fashion  may  enter  an 
assembly  of  thinkers  and  find  herself  dreaded  and 
shunned,  until  some  kind  word  creates  a  cordial  under- 
standing. In  the  social  entertainments  of  New  York, 
the  majority  prefer  those  where  the  hostess  introduces 
her  guests  —  under,  of  course,  these  wise  and  proper 
limitations. 

As  for  forms  of  introductions,  the  simplest  are  best. 
A  lady  should  introduce  her  husband  as  "Mr.  Brown," 
"General  Brown,"  "Judge  Brown."  If  he  has  a  title 
she  is  always  to  give  it  to  him.  Our  simple  forms  of 
titular  respect  have  been  condemned  abroad,  and  we 
are  accused  of  being  all  "colonels"  and  "generals"; 
but  a  wife  should  still  give  her  husband  his  title.  In 
addressing  the  President  we  say  "Mr.  President,"  but 
his  wife  would  speak  of  him  as  the  President.  The 
modesty  of  Mrs.  Grant,  however,  never  allowed  her 

33 


JUttrniiurtinna 


to  call  her  many  -titled  husband  anything  but  "Mr. 
Grant,"  which  had,  in  her  case,  a  sweetness  above  all 
etiquette. 

Introductions  in  the  homely  German  fatherland  are 
universal,  everybody  pronouncing  to  everybody  else 
the  name  of  the  lady  to  whom  he  is  talking;  and  among 
our  German  fellow-citizens  we  often  see  a  gentleman 
convoying  a  lady  through  a  crowded  assemblage,  in- 
troducing her  to  everybody.  It  is  a  simple,  cordial, 
and  pleasant  thing  enough,  as  with  them  the  acquaint- 
ance stops  there. 

If  a  gentleman  asks  to  be  presented  to  a  lady,  she 
should  signify  her  assent  in  a  pleasant  way,  and  pay 
her  hostess,  through  whom  the  request  comes,  the 
compliment  of  at  least  seeming  to  be  gratified  at  the 
introduction.  Our  American  women  are  sometimes 
a  little  lacking  in  cordiality  of  manner,  often  receiv- 
ing a  new  acquaintance  with  what  is  sometimes  re- 
ferred to  as  the  "cold  shoulder."  A  brusque  dis- 
courtesy is  bad,  a  very  effusive  courtesy  and  a  too 
low  bow  are  worse,  and  an  overwhelming  and  patron- 
izing manner  is  atrocious.  The  proper  salutation  lies 
just  between  the  two  extremes:  "the  happy  medium" 
is  the  proper  thing  always.  In  seeking  introductions 
for  ourselves,  while  we  need  not  be  shy  of  making  a 
first  visit  or  asking  for  an  introduction,  we  must  still 
beware  of  "push."  There  are  instincts  in  the  hum- 
blest understanding  which  will  tell  us  where  to  draw 
the  line.  If  a  person  is  socially  more  prominent  than 
ourselves,  or  more  distinguished  in  any  way,  we  should 

39 


attft  Mortal 


*HJHtH|H|HgH|HSH3Hfr^^ 

not  be  violently  anxious  to  take  the  first  step;  we 
should  wait  until  some  happy  chance  has  brought  us 
together,  for  we  must  be  as  firm  in  our  self-respect  as 
our  neighbor  is  secure  in  her  exalted  position.  Wealth 
has  heretofore  had  very  little  power  to  give  a  person 
an  exclusively  fashionable  position.  Character,  breed- 
ing, culture,  good  connections  —  all  must  help.  An 
aristocrat  who  is  such  by  virtue  of  an  old  and  hon- 
ored name  which  has  never  been  tarnished  is  a  power 
in  the  newest  society  as  in  the  oldest;  but  it  is  a  shad- 
owy power,  felt  rather  than  described.  Education  is 
always  a  power. 

To  be  sure,  there  is  a  tyranny  in  large  cities  of 
what  is  known  as  the  "  fashionable  set,"  formed  of 
people  willing  to  spend  money;  who  make  a  sort  of 
alliance,  offensive  and  defensive;  who  can  give  balls 
and  parties  and  keep  certain  people  out;  who  have 
the  place  which  many  covet;  who  are  too  much  feared 
and  dreaded.  If  those  who  desire  an  introduction  to 
this  set  strive  for  it  too  much,  they  will  be  sure  to 
be  snubbed;  for  this  circle  lives  by  snubbing.  If  such 
an  aspirant  will  wait  patiently,  either  the  whole  auto- 
cratic set  of  ladies  will  disband  —  for  such  sets  dis- 
entangle easily—  or  else  they  in  their  turn  may  come 
knocking  at  the  door  and  ask  to  be  received.  The  art 
of  entertaining  is  not  acquired  in  an  hour.  It  takes 
many  years  for  a  new  and  an  uninstructed  set  to  sur- 
mount all  the  little  awkwardnesses,  the  dubious  points 
of  etiquette,  that  come  up  in  every  new  shuffle  of  the 
social  cards;  but  a  modest  and  serene  courtesy,  a 

40 


Jntruburttona 


+4*S*frfrfr&<$»t>^^ 

civility  which  is  not  servile,  will  be  a  good  introduc- 
tion into  any  society. 

And  it  is  well  to  have  that  philosophical  spirit  which 
puts  the  best  possible  interpretation  upon  the  con- 
duct of  others.  Be  not  in  haste  to  consider  yourself 
neglected.  Self-respect  does  not  easily  receive  an  in- 
sult. 

A  lady  who  is  fully  aware  of  her  own  respectabil- 
ity, who  has  always  lived  in  the  best  society,  is  never 
afraid  to  bow  or  call  first,  or  to  introduce  the  people 
whom  she  may  desire  should  know  each  other.  She  per- 
haps presumes  on  her  position;  but  it  is  very  rarely 
that  such  a  person  offends,  for  tact  is  almost  always 
the  concomitant  of  social  success. 

A  letter  of  introduction  should  receive  all  the  atten- 
tion possible.  In  England  it  always  means  an  in- 
vitation to  dinner.  In  America  it  does  not  always 
receive  the  attention  it  deserves.  The  master  and 
mistress  of  a  house  receiving  such  a  letter  should  im- 
mediately call  on  the  persons  who  present  it,  and  should, 
if  possible,  invite  them  to  their  house.  Since  a  letter 
of  introduction  entails  on  the  person  to  whom  it  is 
addressed  the  duty  of  offering  hospitality  to  the  lady 
or  gentleman  presenting  it,  such  a  letter  should  only 
be  written  by  one  who  has  herself  entertained  her  cor- 
respondent. Some  people,  not  understanding  this  rule, 
give  letters  of  introduction  to  be  presented  to  English 
men  and  women  who  have  been  kind  to  them,  but  to 
whom  they  have  made  no  return  in  kind.  Our  British 
brethren  are  justly  indignant  at  this  thoughtless  be- 


fHattttrrs  anft  Serial 


havior,  which  tends  to  involve  them  in  an  endless  chain 
of  unrequited  hospitality.  For  the  same  reason,  one 
should  be  very  careful  about  asking  for  letters  of  in- 
troduction, and  one  should  never  press  the  claim,  as 
the  person  asked  might  be  unable  to  grant  the  request 
without  overdrawing  her  social  credit,  so  to  speak. 
Americans  living  abroad  are  often  overwhelmed  with 
such  letters  sent  them  by  unthinking  friends  in  the 
United  States. 


CHAPTER  V 

INVITATIONS   AND   ANSWERS 

HE  engraving  of  invitation  -  cards  has  be- 
come the  important  function  of  more  than 
one  enterprising  firm  in  every  city,  so  that 
^  seems  unnecessary  to  say  more  than  that 
tiie  most  plam  and  simple  style  of  engraving 
the  necessary  words  is  all  that  is  requisite. 
The  English  ambassador  at  Rome  had  a  plain,  stiff, 
unglazed  card  of  a  large  size,  on  which  was  engraved: 

Sir  Augustus  and  Lady  Paget 

request  the  pleasure  of  company 

on  Thursday  evening,  November  the  fifteenth,  at  ten  o'clock 
The  favor  of  an  answer  is  requested 

The  lady  of  the  house  writes  the  name  of  the  in- 
vited guest  in  the  blank  space  left  before  the  word 
"company."  Many  entertainers  in  America  keep 
these  blanks,  or  half-engraved  invitations,  always  on 
hand,  and  thus  save  themselves  the  trouble  of  writing 
the  whole  card. 

Sometimes,  however,  women  prefer  to  write  their 
•wn  dinner  invitations.  The  formula  should  always 
be: 

43 


attft  Mortal 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  Brown 

request  the  pleasure  of 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jones's  company  at  dinner 

en  Thursday,  November  the  -fifteenth,  at  eight  o'clock 

132  Blank  Street,  West 

These  invitations  should  be  immediately  answered, 
and  with  a  positive  acceptance  or  a  regret.  Never 
enter  into  any  discussion  or  prevision  with  a  dinner 
invitation.  Never  write,  saying,  "I  will  come  if  I  do 
not  have  to  leave  town,"  or  that  you  will  "try  to 
come,"  or,  if  you  are  a  married  pair,  that  "one  of  us 
will  come."  Your  hostess  wants  to  know  exactly 
who  is  coming  and  who  isn't,  that  she  may  arrange  her 
table  accordingly.  Simply  say: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Jones 

accept  with  pleasure  the  kind  invitation  of 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  Brown  for  dinner 

on  November  the  fifteenth 

at  eight  o'clock 

Or  if  it  is  written  in  the  first  person,  accept  in  the 
same  informal  manner,  but  quickly  and  decisively. 
The  phrase  "presents  his  (or  her)  compliments"  is  no 
longer  used  in  replying  to  an  invitation. 

After  having  accepted  a  dinner  invitation,  if  illness 
or  any  other  cause  interfere  with  your  going  to  the 
dinner,  send  an  immediate  note  to  your  hostess,  that 
she  may  fill  your  place.  Never  selfishly  keep  tke 
place  open  for  yourself  if  there  is  a  doubt  about  your 
going.  It  has  often  made  or  marred  the  pleasure  of 


3tttiitattottfi  and  Attsmera 

«tHJHtHgHgHHHJ*|Hg^^ 

a  dinner-party,  this  hesitancy  on  the  part  of  a  guest 
to  send  in  time  to  her  hostess  her  regrets,  caused  by 
the  illness  of  her  child,  or  the  coming  on  of  a  cold,  or 
a  death  in  the  family,  or  any  other  calamity.  Re- 
member always  that  a  dinner  is  a  most  formal  affair, 
that  it  is  the  highest  social  compliment,  that  its  hap- 
py fulfilment  is  of  the  greatest  importance  to  the 
hostess,  and  that  it  must  be  met  in  the  same  formal 
spirit.  It  precludes,  on  her  part,  the  necessity  of  hav- 
ing to  make  a  first  call,  if  she  be  the  older  resident, 
although  she  generally  calls  first.  Some  young  neo- 
phytes in  society,  having  been  asked  to  a  dinner  where 
the  elderly  lady  who  gave  it  had  forgotten  to  enclose 
her  visiting-card,  asked  if  they  should  call  afterwards. 
Of  course  they  were  bound  to  do  so,  although  their 
hostess  should  have  called  or  enclosed  her  card.  How- 
ever, one  invitation  to  dinner  is  better  than  many 
cards  as  a  social  compliment. 

We  have  been  asked  by  many,  "To  whom  should 
the  answer  to  an  invitation  be  addressed?"  If  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Brown  invite  you,  answer  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Brown.  If  Mrs.  John  Jones  asks  you  to  a  wedding, 
answer  Mrs.  John  Jones.  It  is  thought  better  form, 
however,  to  address  the  envelope  to  the  hostess  only. 
Another  of  our  correspondents  asks,  "Shall  I  respond 
to  the  lady  of  the  house  or  to  the  bride  if  asked  to  a 
wedding?"  This  seems  so  impossible  a  confusion  that 
we  should  not  think  of  mentioning  so  self-evident  a 
fact  had  not  the  doubt  arisen.  One  has  nothing  to  say 
to  the  bride  in  answering  such  an  invitation;  the  answer 

45 


anb  Mortal 


<JHg*S"|HSHaH|HSH|HSH^^ 

is  to  be  sent  to  the  hostess,  who  writes.  In  the  same 
way  cards  in  acknowledgment  of  a  wedding  invitation 
or  announcement  are  sent  to  her  and  not  to  the  bride. 

Always  carefully  observe  the  formula  of  your  in- 
vitation, and  answer  it  exactly.  As  to  the  card  of  the 
English  ambassador,  an  English  gentleman  would  write, 
"Mr.  Algernon  Gracie  will  do  himself  the  honor  to  ac- 
cept the  invitation  of  Sir  Augustus  and  Lady  Paget." 
In  America  he  would  be  a  trifle  less  formal,  saying, 
"Mr.  Algernon  Gracie  has  much  pleasure  in  accepting 
the  kind  invitation  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  Brown." 
We  notice  that  on  English  cards  the  "R.S.V.P."  is 
omitted,  and  that  a  plain  line  of  English  script  is  en- 
graved, saying,  "The  favor  of  an  answer  is  requested." 

In  this  country  the  invitations  to  a  dinner  are  al- 
ways in  the  name  of  both  host  and  hostess,  but  invita- 
tions to  a  ball,  a  dance,  a  tea,  or  a  garden-party  are 
in  the  name  of  the  hostess  alone.  At  a  wedding  and 
at  an  evening  reception  the  names  of  both  host  and 
hostess  are  given.  If  a  father  entertains  for  his  daugh- 
ters, he  being  a  widower,  his  name  appears  alone  for 
her  wedding;  but  if  his  eldest  daughter  presides  over 
his  household,  his  and  her  name  appear  together  for 
dinners,  receptions,  and  "at  homes."  Many  widowed 
fathers,  however,  omit  the  names  of  their  daughters 
on  the  invitation.  A  young  lady  at  the  head  of  her 
father's  house  may,  if  she  is  no  longer  very  young,  is- 
sue her  own  cards  for  a  tea.  It  is  never  proper  for 
very  young  ladies  to  invite  gentlemen  in  their  own 
name  to  visit  at  the  house,  call  on  them,  or  to  come  to 

46 


attfo 


dinner.  The  invitation  must  come  from  the  father, 
mother,  or  chaperon;  or  a  young  lady  may  say,  "I 
write  in  my  mother's  name  to  ask  if  you  will  give  us 
the  pleasure  of  seeing  you  at  dinner,  etc/' 

At  an  Assembly,  Charity  ball,  or  any  public  affair, 
the  word  "ball"  is  used,  but  no  lady  invites  you  to  a 
"ball"  at  her  own  house.  The  words  "At  Home," 
with  "Cotillon"  or  "Dancing"  in  one  corner,  and  the 
hour  and  date,  alone  are  necessary.  The  following 
form  is  now  more  in  favor: 

Mrs.  Thomas  Jones 
requests  the  pleasure  of 


company  on  Thursday  evening 
January  the  tenth 

at  ten  o'clock 
jo  Fifth  Avenue 
Dancing 

Officers  of  the  army  and  navy  giving  a  ball,  members 
of  the  hunt,  bachelors,  members  of  a  club,  heads  of 
committees,  always  "request  the  pleasure"  or  "the 
honor  of  your  company."  It  is  not  proper  for  a  gen- 
tleman to  describe  himself  as  "at  home";  he  must 
"request  the  pleasure."  A  rich  bachelor  of  Utopia 
who  gave  many  entertainments  made  this  mistake,  and 
sent  a  card — "Mr.  Horatio  Brown.  At  Home.  Tues- 
day, November  fourteenth.  Tea  at  four" — to  a  lady 
who  had  been  an  ambassadress.  She  immediately  re- 
plied, "Mrs.  Rousby  is  very  glad  to  hear  that  Mr. 
Horatio  Brown  is  at  home — she  hopes  that  he  will  stay 

4  47 


USattttrrs  att&  Snrtal 


there;  but  of  what  possible  consequence  is  that  to  Mrs. 
Rousby?"  This  was  a  severe  bit  of  wit,  but  it  told 
the  young  man  of  his  mistake.  Another  card,  issued 
with  the  singular  formula,  "Mrs.  Ferguson  hopes  to 
see  Mrs.  Rousby  at  the  church,"  on  the  occasion  of 
the  wedding  of  a  daughter,  brought  forth  the  rebuke, 
"Nothing  is  so  deceitful  as  human  hope."  The  phrase 
is  an  improper  one.  Mrs.  Ferguson  should  have  "re- 
quested the  pleasure." 

In  asking  for  an  invitation  to  a  ball  for  friends, 
ladies  must  be  cautious  not  to  intrude  too  far  or  to 
feel  offended  if  refused.  Often  a  hostess  has  a  larger 
list  than  she  can  use,  and  she  is  not  able  to  ask  all 
whom  she  would  wish  to  invite.  Therefore  a  very 
great  discretion  is  to  be  observed  on  the  part  of  those 
who  ask  a  favor.  A  lady  may  always  request  an  in- 
vitation for  distinguished  strangers,  or  for  a  young 
dancing  man,  if  she  can  answer  for  him  in  every  way, 
but  rarely  for  a  married  couple,  and  hardly  ever  for  a 
couple  living  in  the  same  city,  unless  newly  arrived. 

Invitations  to  evening  or  day  receptions  are  gener- 
ally "At  Home"  cards.  For  an  afternoon  tea  or  re- 
ception, given  to  introduce  a  daughter  or  a  niece  to 
society,  the  following  formula  may  be  used: 

Mrs.  John  Sargent  Gibbs 

Miss  Gibbs 

At  Home 

on  Friday,  February  the  seventh 

from  four  until  seven  o'clock 

6  Riverside  Drive 

48 


3ntniatuntj0 


The  words  "At  Home"  are  often  omitted  where  the 
reception  or  tea  is  informal.  A  lady  may  use  her  own 
visiting-cards  for  five-o'clock  teas.  When  she  intends 
to  receive  on  several  days  in  a  month,  she  has  the  dates 
engraved  on  her  visiting-card,  or  she  may  write  them  in. 
For  other  entertainments,  "Music,"  "Bridge  Whist," 
"Garden-party,"  or  "Readings  and  Recitals"  may  be 
engraved  in  one  corner  or  written  in  by  the  lady  her- 
self. Two  sets  of  invitations  are  usually  issued  for 
a  dinner  dance.  An  "At  Home"  card,  with  "Dan- 
cing at  eleven"  in  the  lower  left-hand  corner,  is  sent 
to  those  who  are  not  invited  to  dinner.  Those 
who,  are  receive  either  a  note  or  an  engraved  dinner- 
card  with  the  formula  "Dancing  at  eleven"  in  the 
corner. 

As  for  wedding  invitations,  they  are  almost  invari- 
ably sent  out  by  the  parents  of  the  bride,  engraved  in 
small  script  on  note-paper.  The  style  can  always  be 
obtained  of  a  fashionable  engraver.  They  should  be 
sent  out  from  two  to  four  weeks  before  the  wedding- 
day,  and  need  not  be  answered  unless  the  guests  are 
requested  to  attend  a  "sit-down"  breakfast,  when 
the  answer  must  be  as  explicit  as  to  a  dinner.  In- 
vitations to  a  wedding  in  the  country  require  an  an- 
swer, when  a  special  train  or  a  special  car  is  to  be 
provided,  since  the  host  needs  to  know  how  many 
persons  will  avail  themselves  of  these  facilities.  A 
card,  to  be  used  instead  of  a  ticket,  is  enclosed  with 
the  invitation,  and  sent  to  friends  living  at  a  dis- 
tance. The  form  of  card  follows: 

49 


4Hatttt*ra  attft  Mortal 


A  special  train  will  leave  the  Grand 
Central  Station,  New  York,  on  the  New 
York  Central  Railroad,  June  fourteenth 
at  eleven  o'clock,  and  returning  will 
leave  Tarrytown  at  three  o'clock.  Please 
9  present  this  card  to  the  gateman  and  to 
the  conductor. 

Those  who  cannot  be  present  send  or  leave  their 
visiting-cards  either  on  the  day  of  the  wedding  or  soon 
after.  Persons  living  at  a  distance  acknowledge  the 
invitation  by  sending  cards  through  the  mail,  in  or- 
der that  their  hosts  may  know  it  has  been  received. 
While  some  authorities  hold  that  such  an  acknowl- 
edgment is  unnecessary  where  one  is  invited  to  the 
church  only,  it  must  be  remembered  that  cards  thus 
sent  take  the  place  of  the  call  which  distance  forbids. 
Hence  it  is  courteous  to  send  them.  Invitations  to  a 
luncheon  are  generally  written  by  the  hostess  on  note- 
paper,  and  should  be  rather  informal,  as  luncheon  is 
an  informal  meal.  However,  nowadays  ladies'  lunch- 
eons have  become  such  grand,  consequential,  and  ex- 
pensive affairs  that  invitations  are  sometimes  en- 
graved and  sent  out  a  fortnight  in  advance,  and 
answered  immediately.  There  is  the  same  etiquette 
as  at  dinner  observed  at  these  formal  luncheons. 
There  is  such  a  thing,  however,  as  a  "stand-up" 
luncheon  —  a  sort  of  reception  with  banquet,  from 
which  one  could  absent  one's  self  without  being 
missed. 

Punctuality  in  keeping  all  engagements  is  a  feature 


Jntntattfltts  ani  Austurrs 


^ 


of  a  well-bred  character,  in  society  as  well  as  in  busi- 
ness. and  it  cannot  be  too  thoroughly  insisted  upon. 

In  sending  a  "regret"  be  particular  to  word  your 
note  most  respectfully.  Never  write  the  word  '  '  regrets  '  ' 
on  your  card  unless  you  wish  to  insult  your  hostess. 
No  such  words  as  "accepts"  "declines"  or  "regrets" 
should  be  written  on  a  card.  Send  one  without  any 
pencilling  upon  it  in  acknowledgment  of  an  invitation 
to  a  wedding  at  church,  or  to  an  afternoon  reception. 
For  a  musical,  or  other  occasion,  where  the  hostess 
may  wish  to  know  how  many  persons  will  attend,  write 
a  note,  thus:  "Mrs.  Brown  regrets  that  a  previous  en- 
gagement must  deprive  her  of  the  pleasure  of  accept- 
ing the  kind  invitation  of  Mrs.  Jones." 

No  one  should,  in  the  matter  of  accepting  or  refus- 
ing an  invitation,  economize  his  politeness.  It  is  bet- 
ter to  err  on  the  other  side.  Your  friend  has  done  her 
best  in  inviting  you. 

The  question  is  often  asked  us,  "Should  invitations 
be  sent  to  persons  in  mourning?"  Of  course  they 
should.  No  one  would  knowingly  intrude  on  a  house 
in  which  there  has  been  a  death,  within  a  month; 
but  after  that,  although  it  is  an  idle  compliment,  it  is 
one  which  must  be  paid;  it  is  a  part  of  the  machinery 
of  society.  As  invitations  are  now  directed  by  the 
hundreds  by  hired  amanuenses/  a  lady  should  careful- 
ly revise  her  list,  in  order  that  no  names  of  persons 
deceased  may  be  written  on  her  cards;  but  the  mem- 
bers of  the  family  who  remain,  and  who  have  suffered 
a  loss,  should  be  carefully  remembered,  and  they 


anft  Mortal 


should  not  be  pained  by  seeing  the  name  of  one  who 
has  departed,  included  in  the  invitations  or  wedding- 
cards.  Persons  in  deep  mourning  are  not  invited  to 
dinners  or  luncheons,  but  for  weddings  and  large  en- 
tertainments cards  are  sent  as  a  token  of  remembrance 
and  compliment.  After  a  year  of  mourning  the  be- 
reaved family  should  send  out  cards  with  a  narrow 
black  edge  to  all  who  have  remembered  them. 

It  is  no  longer  customary  to  address  an  invitation 
to  the  "Messrs.  Greene."  Each  son  should  receive  a 
separate  card  or  note.  It  is  proper  to  address  an  in- 
vitation for  two  or  more  sisters  to  "The  Misses  -  " 
The  telephone  is  now  so  much  used  to  give  invitations 
among  intimate  friends,  and  especially  by  young  people, 
that  it  has  become  a  social  necessity.  It  is  well  to  fol- 
low up  such  an  invitation  by  a  note,  where  time  per- 
mits, not  only  because  this  is  more  courteous,  but  also 
because  it  prevents  any  misunderstanding  as  to  the 
hour  and  day. 

It  is  now  considered  entirely  proper  to  send  by  mail 
all  invitations  except  those  for  a  dinner,  which  are  still 
sent  by  private  messenger  in  some  localities,  the  an- 
swer being  returned  in  the  same  way,  if  possible.  In- 
vitations for  weddings  and  other  ceremonious  functions 
are  usually  enclosed  in  two  envelopes,  the  inner  one 
being  left  unsealed,  and  bearing  only  the  name  of  the 
person  invited,  without  the  address. 


CHAPTER  VI 


BRIDES    AND   WEDDINGS 

CARCELY  a  week  passes  during  the  year 
that  the  fashionable  journals  do  not  pub- 
lish "answers  to  correspondents"  on  that 
subject  of  all  others  most  interesting  to 
young  ladies,  the  etiquette  of  weddings. 
No  book  can  tell  the  plain  truth  with  suf- 
ficient emphasis,  that  the  etiquette  at  a  grand  wed- 
ding is  always  the  same.  The  next  day  some  one 
writes  to  a  newspaper  again: 

"Shall  the  bridegroom  wear  a  dress-coat  at  the  hour 
of  ii  A.M.?"  The  wedding  of  to-day  in  England  has 
"set  the  fashion"  for  America.  No  man  ever  puts  on 
"evening  dress"  until  dressing  for  his  seven-o'clock 
dinner,  therefore  every  bridegroom  wears  a  frock-coat 
and  trousers  of  any  pattern  he  pleases ;  in  other  words, 
he  wears  a  formal  morning  (or,  as  it  is  sometimes  called, 
afternoon)  dress,  drives  to  the  church  with  his  best 
man,  and  awaits  the  arrival  of  the  bride  in  the  vestry- 
room.  He  may  wear  gloves  or  not  as  he  chooses.  The 
best  man  is  the  intimate  friend,  sometimes  the  brother, 
of  the  groom.  He  accompanies  him  to  the  church,  as 
we  have  said,  follows  him  to  the  altar,  where  they  both 

53 


jttattttfra  attb  &0rtal  Usages 


await  the  coming  of  the  bride.  He  then  stands  at  the 
right  hand  of  the  groom,  a  little  behind  him,  and  holds 
his  hat  during  the  marriage-service.  He  has  charge, 
also,  of  the  wedding-ring,  which  he  gives  to  his  friend 
at  the  proper  moment.  He  signs  the  register  as  wit- 
ness, pays  the  clergyman's  fee,  follows  the  bridal  pro- 
cession out  of  the  church,  joining  the  party  at  the 
house,  and  then  assists  the  ushers  to  introduce  the 
friends  to  the  bridal  pair. 

The  bridegroom  is  allowed  to  make  what  present 
he  pleases  to  the  bride,  and  to  send  something  in  the 
nature  of  a  fan,  a  lace-pin,  pendant,  or  other  trifle 
to  the  bridesmaids;  he  has  also  to  buy  the  wedding- 
ring,  and,  of  course,  he  sends  a  bouquet  to  the  bride 
and  to  the  bridesmaids;  but  he  is  not  to  furnish  cards 
or  carriages  or  the  wedding-breakfast;  this  is  all  done 
by  the  bride's  family. 

Admission  to  the  church  is  usually  by  card,  where 
there  is  danger  that  the  edifice  will  be  overcrowded. 
The  ushers  are  on  hand  early  and  escort  the  guests  to 
their  seats.  Formerly  an  usher  offered  his  arm  to  a 
lady;  now  he  often  does  not,  but  precedes  her  down 
the  aisle.  The  front  seats  are  reserved  for  the  rel- 
atives and  intimate  friends,  and  the  head  usher  has 
a  paper  on  which  are  written  the  names  of  people  en- 
titled to  these.  The  seats  thus  reserved  have  a  white 
ribbon  as  a  line  of  demarcation. 

It  is  thought  more  courteous  to  tie  it  in  a  bow  or 
festoon,  rather  than  to  fasten  it  across  the  aisle,  thus 
making  a  barrier. 

54 


and 


The  bride,  meantime,  is  dressed  in  gorgeous  array, 
generally  in  white  satin,  with  veil  of  point-lace  or  tulle 
and  orange-blossoms,  and  is  driven  to  the  church  in  a 
carriage  with  her  father,  who  gives  her  away.  Her 
mother  and  other  relatives,  having  preceded  her,  take 
the  front  seats.  Her  bridesmaids  should  also  precede 
her,  and  await  her  in  the  vestibule  of  the  church. 

The  ushers  then  proceed  to  form  the  procession 
with  which  almost  all  city  weddings  are  begun.  The 
ushers  first,  two  and  two;  then  the  bridesmaids,  two 
and  two;  then  some  pretty  children  —  bridesmaids  un- 
der ten;  and  then  the  bride,  leaning  on  her  father's 
right  arm.  Sometimes  the  child  bridesmaids  precede 
the  others.  As  the  wedding-party  reaches  the  lowest 
altar-step  the  ushers  break  ranks  and  go  to  the  right  and 
left;  the  bridesmaids  also  separate,  going  to  the  right 
and  left,  leaving  a  space  for  the  bridal  pair.  As  the 
bride  reaches  the  lowest  step  the  bridegroom  ad- 
vances, takes  her  by  her  right  hand,  and  conducts  her 
to  the  altar,  where  they  both  kneel.  The  clergyman, 
being  already  in  his  place,  signifies  to  them  when  to 
rise,  and  then  proceeds  to  make  the  -twain  one. 

The  bridal  pair  walk  down  the  aisle  arm-in-arm, 
and  are  immediately  conducted  to  the  carriage  and 
driven  home;  the  rest  follow.  In  some  cases,  but  rarely 
in  this  country,  a  bridal  register  is  signed  in  the  vestry. 

Formerly  brides  removed  the  whole  glove;  now 
they  adroitly  rip  the  finger  of  the  left-hand  glove,  so 
that  they  can  remove  that  without  pulling  off  the 
whole  glove  for  the  ring.  Such  is  a  church  wedding, 

55 


IPanttgrg  anft  Mortal 


performed  a  thousand  times  alike.  The  organ  peals 
forth  the  wedding-march,  the  clergyman  pronounces 
the  necessary  vows  to  slow  music,  or  not,  as  the  con- 
tracting parties  please.  Music,  however,  adds  very 
much  to  this  ceremony.  In  a  marriage  at  home,  the 
bridesmaids  and  best  man  are  usually  dispensed  with. 
The  clergyman  enters  and  faces  the  company,  the 
bridal  pair  follow  and  face  him.  A  pair  of  hassocks 
should  be  arranged  for  them  to  kneel  upon,  and  the 
father  should  be  near  to  allow  the  clergyman  to  see  him 
when  he  asks  for  his  authority.  After  the  ceremony 
the  clergyman  retires,  and  the  wedded  pair  receive 
congratulations. 

An  attempt  has  been  made  in  America  to  introduce 
the  English  fashion  of  a  wedding-breakfast.  It  is 
not  as  yet  acclimated,  but  it  is,  perhaps,  well  to  de- 
scribe here  the  proper  etiquette.  The  gentlemen  and 
ladies  who  are  asked  to  this  breakfast  should  be  ap- 
prised of  that  honor  a  fortnight  in  advance,  and 
should  accept  or  decline  immediately,  as  it  has  all  the 
formality  of  a  dinner,  and  seats  are,  of  course,  very 
important.  On  arriving  at  the  house  where  the  break- 
fast is  to  be  held,  the  gentlemen  leave  their  hats  in 
the  hall,  but  ladies  do  not  remove  their  hats.  After 
greeting  the  bride  and  bridegroom,  and  the  father  and 
mother,  the  company  converse  for  a  few  moments 
until  breakfast  is  announced.  Then  the  bride  and 
groom  go  first,  followed  by  the  bride's  father  with 
the  groom's  mother,  then,  the  groom's  father  with 
the  bride's  mother,  then  the  best  man  with  the  first 

56 


attln 


bridesmaid,  then  the  bridesmaids  with  ushers,  who 
have  been  invited  for  tnis  honor,  and  then  the  other 
invited  guests,  as  the  bride's  mother  has  arranged. 
Bouillon,  salads,  birds,  oysters,  and  other  hot  and 
cold  dishes,  ices,  jellies,  etc.,  are  served  at  this  break- 
fast, together  with  champagne  and  other  wines,  and 
finally  the  wedding-cake  is  set  before  the  bride,  and 
she  cuts  a  slice.  Coffee  is  served  last. 

The  health  of  the  bride  and  groom  is  then  proposed 
by  the  gentleman  chosen  for  this  office,  generally  the 
father  of  the  groom,  and  responded  to  by  the  father 
of  the  bride.  The  groom  is  sometimes  expected  to 
respond,  and  he  proposes  the  health  of  the  brides- 
maids, for  which  the  best  man  returns  thanks.  Unless 
all  are  unusually  happy  speakers,  this  is  apt  to  be  awk- 
ward, and  "stand-up"  breakfasts  are  far  more  com- 
monly served,  as  the  French  say,  en  buffet.  An  ex- 
temporized buffet  or  sideboard  is  sometimes  arranged, 
extending  down  one  side  of  the  dining-room,  and 
covered  with  white.  This  leaves  more  space  for  the 
guests  than  the  large  central  table  commonly  used. 
The  refreshments  may  be  served  all  through  the  re- 
ception, in  which  case  people  enter  the  dining-room 
when  they  please,  or  the  collation  may  be  at  a  given 
time.  The  caterer  and  his  men  wait  upon  the  guests, 
except  in  the  case  of  rich  people,  who  have  a  corps  of 
men-servants,  the  butler  and  his  assistants,  large 
enough  to  perform  this  duty.  The  possibility  of  asking 
more  people  commends  this  form  of  entertainment  ;  it 
is  far  less  trouble  to  serve  a  large,  easy  collation  to  a 

57 


attfl  Mortal 


number  of  people  standing  about  than  to  furnish  what 
is  really  a  dinner  to  a  number  sitting  down. 

If  a  sit-down  wedding-breakfast  has  been  arranged, 
it  occurs  about  half  an  hour  after  the  parties  return 
from  church. 

The  table  may  be  of  a  horseshoe  shape.  But  for  a 
city  wedding,  where  many  guests  are  to  be  invited  in  a 
circle  which  is  forever  widening,  this  sort  of  an  exclusive 
breakfast  in  the  English  fashion  is  almost  impossible. 
In  an  opulent  country-house,  if  the  day  is  fine,  little 
tables  are  set  out  on  the  lawn,  the  ladies  seat  them- 
selves around,  and  the  gentlemen  carry  the  refresh- 
ments to  them,  or  the  service  is  by  the  caterer.  Some- 
times the  piazzas  are  beautifully  decorated  with  au- 
tumn boughs  and  ferns,  flowers,  evergreens,  and  the 
refreshments  are  served  there. 

Wedding-presents  are  sent  at  any  time  within  two 
months  before  the  wedding,  the  earlier  the  better,  as 
many  brides  like  to  arrange  their  own  tables  artisti- 
cally, if  the  presents  are  shown. 

These  have  now  become  almost  absurdly  gorgeous. 
The  old  fashion,  which  was  started  among  the  frugal 
Dutch,  of  giving  the  young  couple  their  household 
gear  and  a  sum  of  money  with  which  to  begin,  has  now 
degenerated  into  a  very  bold  display  of  wealth  and 
ostentatious  generosity,  so  that  friends  of  moderate 
means  are  afraid  to  send  anything.  Even  the  cushion 
on  which  a  wealthy  bride  in  New  York  was  lately  ex- 
pected to  kneel  was  so  elaborately  embroidered  with 
pearls  that  she  visibly  hesitated  to  press  it  with  her 


knee  at  the  altar.  Silver  and  gold  services,  too  precious 
to  be  trusted  to  ordinary  lock  and  key,  are  displayed 
at  the  wedding  and  immediately  sent  off  to  some  con- 
venient safe.  This  is  one  of  the  necessary  and  in- 
evitable overgrowths  of  a  luxury  which  we  have  not 
yet  learned  to  manage.  In  France  they  do  things  better, 
those  nearest  of  kin  subscribing  a  sum  of  money,  which  is 
sent  to  the  bride's  mother,  who  expends  it  in  the  bridal 
trousseau,  or  in  jewels  or  silver,  as  the  bride  pleases. 

So  far  has  extravagance  transcended  good  taste  that 
now  many  persons  of  refined  minds  hesitate  to  show 
the  presents.  If  they  are  displayed,  it  will  be  in 
rooms  somewhat  apart,  usually  on  the  second  story. 
Some  brides  give  an  afternoon  tea  the  day  before  to 
show  the  presents  to  a  few  intimate  friends.  It  is 
no  longer  customary  to  leave  the  card  bearing  the  name 
of  the  giver  on  the  present,  since  this  might  mortify 
those  unable  to  send  costly  gifts. 

After  giving  an  hour  and  a  half  to  her  guests,  the 
bride  retires  to  change  her  dress;  generally  her  most 
intimate  friends  accompany  her.  She  soon  returns 
in  travelling  costume,  and  is  met  at  the  foot  of  the 
stairs  by  the  groom,  who  has  also  changed  his  dress. 
The  father,  mother,  and  intimate  friends  kiss  the  bride, 
and,  as  the  happy  pair  drive  off,  a  shower  of  satin 
slippers  and  rice  follows  them.  If  one  slipper  alights 
on  the  top  of  the  carriage,  luck  is  assured  to  them  forever. 

Wedding-cake  is  no  longer  sent  about.  It  is  neatly 
packed  in  boxes;  each  guest  takes  one,  if  she  likes,  as 
she  leaves  the  house. 

59 


JHamtrrs  an&  Mortal 


g^^ 

Wedding-favors  made  of  white  ribbon  and  artifi- 
cial flowers  are  indispensable  in  England,  but  Amer- 
ica has  had  the  good  taste  to  abjure  them  until  lately. 
Such  ornaments  are  used  for  the  horses'  ears  and  the 
servants'  coats  in  this  country.  Here  the  groom  wears 
a  boutonniere  of  natural  flowers. 

A  widow  should  never  be  accompanied  by  brides- 
maids, nor  wear  a  veil  or  orange-blossoms  at  her  mar- 
riage. She  should  at  church  wear  a  colored  silk  or 
cloth  dress  and  a  hat.  She  should  be  attended  by  her 
father,  brother,  or  some  near  friend. 

It  is  proper  for  her  to  remove  her  first  wedding-ring, 
as  the  sight  of  it  cannot  but  be  painful  to  the  bride- 
groom. 

If  married  at  home,  the  widow  bride  may  wear  a 
light  silk,  but  she  should  not  indulge  in  any  of  the 
.signs  of  first  bridal. 

It  is  an  exploded  idea  that  of  allowing  every  one  to 
kiss  the  bride.  It  is  only  meet  that  the  near  rela- 
tives do  that. 

The  formula  for  wedding-cards  is  generally  this: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Lane 
request  the  honor  of 

---  '5 


presence  at  the  marriage  of  their  daughter 
Frances  Evelyn 

to 

Mr.  John  Sidney  Kane 
on  Thursday,  June  the  fifth 

at  twelve  o'clock 

at  St.  Thomas's  Church 

60 


Sriitea 


Where  the  wedding  takes  place  in  a  village,  town,  or 
small  city,  the  name  of  the  locality  follows,  as  "Bever- 
ly, Massachusetts,"  or  "Red  Hook,  New  York.'* 

These  invitations  are  engraved  on  heavy,  plain  white 
note-paper. 

If  friends  are  invited  to  a  wedding-breakfast  or  a 
reception  at  the  house,  that  fact  is  stated  on  a  separate 
card,  which  is  enclosed  in  the  same  envelope. 

The  invitation  to  the  reception  may  "Request  the 
pleasure  of  Miss  So-and-so's  company,"  or  it  may  take 
the  "At  Home"  form. 

To  these  invitations  the  invited  guests  formerly 
made  no  response  save  to  go  or  to  leave  cards. 

Now,  however,  it  is  considered  more  courteous  to 
send  an  answer,  so  that  the  hostess  may  estimate  the 
number  of  guests  for  whom  it  will  be  necessary  to 
provide.  All  invited  guests  are  expected  to  call  on 
the  young  couple  and  to  invite  them  during  the  year. 

Of  course  there  are  quieter  weddings  and  very 
simple  arrangements  as  to  serving  refreshments:  a 
wedding-cake  and  a  decanter  of  sherry  often  are  alone 
offered  to  the  witnesses  of  a  wedding. 

Many  brides  prefer  to  be  married  in  travelling- 
dress  and  hat,  and  leave  immediately,  without  con- 
gratulations. 

The  honeymoon  in  our  busy  land  is  often  only  a 
matter  of  a  fortnight,  and  some  bridal  pairs  prefer  to 
spend  it  at  the  quiet  country-house  of  a  friend,  as  is 
the  English  fashion.  But  others  make  a  hurried  trip 
to  Washington,  Niagara,  or  to  the  Thousand  Islands, 

61 


annrra  ani>  Mortal 


or  go  to  Europe,  as  the  case  may  be.  Very  few  stay  at 
home;  in  beginning  a  new  life  almost  all  agree  that  a 
change  of  place  is  the  first  requisite. 

After  the  return  home,  bridal  dinners  and  parties 
are  offered  to  the  bride,  and  she  is  treated  with  dis- 
tinction for  three  months.  Her  path  is  often  strewed 
with  flowers  from  the  church  to  her  own  door,  and  it  is, 
metaphorically,  so  adorned  during  the  first  few  weeks 
of  married  life.  Every  one  hastens  to  welcome  her  to 
her  new  condition,  and  she  has  but  to  smile  and"  ac- 
cept the  amiable  congratulations  and  attentions  which 
are  showered  upon  her.  Let  her  parents  remember, 
however,  by  sending  cards  after  the  wedding,  to  let 
the  bride's  friends  know  where  she  can  be  found  in 
her  married  estate. 

Now  as  to  the  time  for  the  marriage.  There  is 
something  exquisitely  poetical  in  the  idea.  of  a  June 
wedding.  It  is  the  very  month  for  the  softer  emo- 
tions and  for  the  wedding  journey.  In  England  it 
is  the  favorite  month  for  marriages.  May  is.  consid- 
ered unlucky,  and  in  an  old  almanac  of  1678  we  find 
the  following  notice:  "  Times  prohibiting  marriage: 
Marriage  comes  in  on  the  i3th  day  of  January 
and  at  Septuagesima  Sunday;  it  is  out  again-  until 
Low  Sunday,  at  which  time  it  comes  in  again  and 
goes  not  out  until  Rogation  Sunday.  Thence  it  is 
forbidden  until  Trinity  Sunday,  from  whence  it  is  un- 
forbidden  until  Advent  Sunday;  but  then  it  goes  out 
and  comes  not  in  again  until  the  i3th  of  January  next 
following." 

62 


EGG  SALAD  IN  A  NEST  OF  CELERY 


AN  ELABORATE  SALAD  SERVED  IN  ASPIC  JELLY 


and 


Among  the  Romans,  June  was  considered  the  most 
propitious  month  for  marriage;  but  with  the  Anglo- 
Saxons  October  has  always  been  a  favorite  and  auspi- 
cious season.  We  find  that  the  festival  has  always 
been  observed  in  very  much  the  same  way,  whether 
druidical,  pagan,  or  Christian. 

Our  brides  have,  however,  all  seasons  for  their  own,, 
excepting  May,  as  we  have  said,  and  Friday,  an  un- 
lucky day.  The  month  of  roses  has  very  great  recom- 
mendations. The  ceremony  is  apt  to  be  performed 
in  the  country  at  a  pretty  little  church,  which  lends 
its  altar-rails  gracefully  to  wreaths,  and  whose  Gothic 
windows  open  upon  green  lawns  and  trim  gardens. 
The  bride  and  her  maids  can  walk  over  the  delicate 
sward  without  soiling  their  slippers.  In  England  eti- 
quette requires  that  the  bride  and  groom  should  de- 
part from  the  church  in  the  groom's  carriage.  It  is 
strict  etiquette  there  that  the  groom  furnish  the  car- 
riage with  which  they  return  to  the  wedding-breakfast, 
and  afterwards  depart  in  state,  with  many  wedding- 
favors  on  the  horses'  heads,  and  huge  white  bouquets 
on  the  breasts  of  coachman  and  footman. 

It  is  in  England,  also,  etiquette  to  drive  with  four 
horses  to  the  place  where  the  honey-moon  is  to  be 
spent;  but  in  America  the  drive  is  generally  to  the 
nearest  railway  station. 

The  bridesmaids  sometimes  form  a  line  near  the  door 
at  a  June  wedding,  allowing  the  bride  to  walk  through 
this  pretty  alleyway  to  the  church. 

The  bridegroom's  relatives  sit  at  the  right  of  the 
5  63 


attft  Mortal 


altar  or  communion  rails,  thus  being  on  the  bride- 
groom's right  hand,  and  those  of  the  bride  sit  on  the 
left,  at  the  bride's  left  hand.  The  bridegroom  and 
best  man  stand  on  the  clergyman's  left  hand  at  the 
altar.  The  bride  is  taken  by  her  right  hand  by  the 
groom,  and  of  course  stands  on  his  left  hand;  her 
father  stands  a  little  behind  her.  He  must  be  near 
enough  to  respond  quickly  when  he  hears  the  words, 
"Who  giveth  this  woman  to  be  married  to  this  man?" 

He  may  signify  his  assent,  simply  by  bowing,  or  he 
may  advance  and  place  the  right  hand  of  the  bride  in 
that  of  the  groom,  or  in  that  of  the  clergyman,  who 
in  turn  gives  it  into  the  keeping  of  the  bridegroom. 
The  father  then  takes  his  seat  in  the  pew  with  his  wife. 
The  bride's  mother  sometimes  gives  her  away.  Some- 
times the  female  relatives  stand  in  the  chancel  with 
the  bridal  group,  but  this  can  only  happen  in  a  very 
large  church;  and  the  clergyman  must  arrange  this,  as 
in  high  churches  the  marriages  take  place  outside  the 
chancel. 

After  the  ceremony  is  over  the  clergyman  bends 
over  and  congratulates  the  young  people.  The  bride 
then  takes  the  left  arm  of  the  groom,  and  passes  down 
the  aisle,  followed  by  her  bridesmaids  and  the  ushers. 
The  near  relatives  come  next,  and  guests  should  not 
leave  their  places  until  these  have  passed  out. 

Some  of  our  correspondents  have  asked  us  what  the 
best  man  is  doing  at  this  moment  ?  Probably  waiting 
in  the  vestry,  or,  if  not,  he  hurries  down  a  side  aisle, 
gets  into  a  carriage,  and  drives  to  the  house  where  the 

64 


anil 


wedding  reception  is  to  be  held.  Here  the  bride  and 
groom  take  their  places  at  the  head  of  the  room.  The 
bridesmaids  may  divide,  half  standing  in  line  beside 
the  bride,  the  other  half  next  the  groom,  or  all  may 
stand  at  the  bride's  right  hand.  Her  parents  take 
their  places  near,  as  do  also  those  of  the  groom.  Since 
the  bride's  mother  is  the  true  hostess  of  the  occasion,, 
all  the  guests  speak  to  her.  They  should  be  presented 
also  to  the  parents  of  the  groom,  who  are  the  guests 
of  honor.  The  ushers  may  bring  up  the  guests  to 
offer  their  congratulations  to  the  bridal  couple,  and 
should  make  sure  that  strangers  are  presented  to  them. 
Or  the  guests  may  come  up  in  line,  a  pleasanter  and 
more  informal  way.  The  bride  shakes  hands  with  all, 
and  introduces  her  husband  to  those  of  her  friends 
who  do  not  already  know  him. 

October  is  a  good  month  for  both  city  and  country 
weddings.  In  our  climate,  the  brilliant  October  days, 
not  too  warm,  are  admirable  for  the  city  guests,  who 
are  invited  to  a  country  place  for  the  wedding,  and  cer- 
tainly it  is  a  pleasant  season  for  the  wedding  journey. 

Travelling  costumes  for  brides  in  England  are  very 
elegant,  even  showy.  Velvet,  light  silks,  and  satins  are 
used ;  but  in  our  country  plain  cloth  costumes  are  more 
proper  and  more  fashionable. 

For  weddings  in  families  where  a  death  has  recently 
occurred,  all  friends,  even  the  widowed  mother,  should 
lay  aside  deep  mourning  for  the  ceremony.  It  is  con- 
sidered unlucky  and  inappropriate  to  wear  black  at 
a  wedding.  In  our  country  a  widowed  mother  often 

65 


fBattturg  att&  Mortal 


*i"i"i"S"S"i"i"3H^^ 

•appears  at  her  daughter's  wedding  in  gray  or  purple 
velvet  or  silk;  in  England  she  wears  deep-cardinal  red, 
which  is  considered,  under  these  circumstances,  to  be 
mourning,  or  proper  for  a  person  who  is  in  mourning. 

We  should  add  that  ushers  and  groomsmen  are  un- 
known at  an  English  wedding.  The  sexton  of  the 
church  performs  the  functions  which  are  attended  to 
here  by  ushers. 

NOTE.  —  The  young  people  who  are  about  to  be  married  make 
a  list  together  of  the  persons  to  whom  cards  should  be  sent,  and 
all  cards  go  from  the  young  lady's  family.  No  one  thinks  it 
strange  to  get  cards  for  a  wedding.  A  young  lady  should  write 
a  note  of  thanks  to  every  one  who  sends  her  a  present  before 
she  leaves  home;  to  all  her  husband's  friends,  relatives,  etc.,  to 
all  her  own,  and  to  people  whom  she  does  not  know  these  notes 
should  especially  be  written,  as  their  gifts  may  be  prompted 
by  a  sense  of  kindness  to  her  parents  or  her  fianct,  which  she 
•should  recognize.  It  is  in  better  taste  to  write  these  notes  on 
note-paper  than  on  a  visiting-card.  It  would  be  proper  for  a 
young  lady  to  send  her  cards  to  a  physician  under  whose  care 
she  had  been  if  she  was  acquainted  with  him  socially,  but  it  is 
not  expected  when  the  acquaintance  is  purely  professional. 
A  fashionable  and  popular  physician  would  be  swamped  with 
wedding-cards  if  that  were  the  custom.  If,  however,  one 
wishes  to  show  gratitude  and  remembrance,  there  would  be 
no  impropriety  in  sending  cards  to  such  a  gentleman. 


CHAPTER  VII 

"WHO    PAYS    FOR  THE    CARDS?" 

OES  the  groom  pay  for  the  wedding-cards?"1 
This  question  is  asked  so  often  that  it  seems; 
well  to  explain  the  philosophy  of  the  eti- 
quette of  weddings,  which  is  remotely  found- 
ed on  the  early  savage  history  of  mankind. 
The  barbarous  manners  of  primitive  times; 
bear  fruit  in  our  later  and  more  complex  civiliza- 
tion, still  reminding  us  of  the  past.  In  early  and  in 
savage  days  the  man  sought  his  bride  heroically,  and 
carried  her  off  by  force.  The  Tartar  still  does  this,  and 
in  civilized  countries  it  is  still  a  theory  that  the  bride 
is  thus  carried  off.  Always,  therefore,  the  idea  has. 
been  cherished  that  the  bride  is  something  carefully 
guarded,  and  the  groom  is  looked  upon  as  a  sort  of 
friendly  enemy,  who  comes  to  take  away  the  much- 
prized  object  from  her  loving  and  jealous  family.  Thus 
the  long-cherished  theory  bears  fruit  in  the  English  cere- 
monial, where  the  only  carriage  furnished  by  the  groom 
is  the  one  in  which  he  drives  the  bride  away  to  the 
spending  of  the  honey-moon.  Up  to  that  time  he  has. 
had  no  rights  of  proprietorship.  Even  this  is  not  al- 
ways allowed  in  America  among  fashionable  people,  the- 


JKattttfr*  attii  Mortal 


bride's  father  often  sending  them  in  his  own  carriage  on 
the  first  stage  of  their  journey.  It  is  not  etiquette  for 
the  groom  to  furnish  anything  for  his  own  wedding 
but  the  ring  and  a  bouquet  for  the  bride,  presents  for 
the  bridesmaids  and  the  best  man,  and  some  token  to 
the  ushers.  He  pays  the  clergyman,  the  fee  varying 
from  five  to  one  hundred  dollars.  It  should  be  en- 
closed in  an  envelope. 

He  should  not  pay  for  the  cards,  the  carriages  (ex- 
cept the  one  in  which  he  and  the  best  man  go  to  the 
church,  and  sometimes  the  one  in  which  he  and  the 
bride  start  on  their  honey-moon  trip),  the  entertain- 
ment, or  anything  connected  with  the  wedding.  This 
is  decided  in  the  high  court  of  etiquette.  That  is 
the  province  of  the  family  of  the  bride,  and  should  be 
insisted  upon.  If  they  are  not  able  to  do  this,  there 
should  be  no  wedding  and  no  cards.  It  is  better  for 
a  portionless  girl  to  go  to  the  altar  in  a  travelling-dress, 
and  to  send  out  no  invitations  nor  wedding-cards,  than 
to  allow  the  groom  to  pay  for  them.  This  is  not  to  the 
disparagement  of  the  rights  of  the  groom.  It  is  simply 
a  proper  and  universal  etiquette. 

At  the  altar  the  groom,  if  he  is  a  millionaire,  makes 
his  wife  his  equal  by  saying,  "With  all  my  worldly 
goods  I  thee  endow";  but  until  he  has  uttered  these 
words  she  has  no  claim  on  his  purse  for  clothes,  or 
cards,  or  household  furnishing,  or  anything  but  those 
articles  which  come  under  the  head  of  such  gifts  as  it 
is  a  lover's  province  to  give. 

A  very  precise,  old-time  aristocrat  of  New  York 
68 


flags  for  tfrg 


broke  her  daughter's  engagement  to  a  gentleman  be- 
cause he  brought  her  a  dress  from  Paris.  She  said,  if 
he  did  not  know  enough  not  to  give  her  daughter 
clothes  while  she  was  under  her  roof,  he  should  not 
have  her. 

This  is  an  exaggerated  feeling,  but  the  principle  is 
a  sound  one.  The  position  of  a  woman  is  so  delicate, 
the  relations  of  engaged  people  so  uncertain,  that  it 
would  bring  about  an  awkwardness  if  the  gentleman 
were  to  pay  for  the  shoes,  the  gowns,  the  cards  of  his 
betrothed. 

Suppose  that  an  engagement  of  marriage  is  broken 
after  the  cards  are  out  —  and  this  has  happened  several 
times  to  the  knowledge  of  the  writer  —  who  is  to  repay 
the  bridegroom  if  he  has  paid  for  the  cards?  Should 
the  father  of  the  bride  send  him  a  check  ?  That  would 
be  very  insulting,  yet  a  family  would  feel  nervous 
about  being  under  pecuniary  indebtedness  to  a  dis- 
carded son-in-law.  The  lady  can  return  her  ring 
and  the  gifts  her  lover  has  made  her;  they  have  suf- 
fered no  contact  that  will  injure  them.  But  she  could 
not  return  shoes  or  gowns  or  bonnets. 

It  is  therefore  wisely  ordered  by  etiquette  that  the 
lover  be  allowed  to  pay  for  nothing  that  could  not  be 
returned  to  him  without  loss,  if  the  engagement  were 
dissolved,  even  on  the  wedding  morning. 

Of  course  in  primitive  life  the  lover  may  pay  for 
his  lady-love,  as  in  the  case  of  a  pair  of  young  people 
who  come  together  in  a  humble  station.  Such  mar- 
riages are  common  in  America,  and  many  of  these 

69 


fHattttrrs  anil  Mortal 


^H%K|K|H-3HgKgHgH|HgK^^ 

pairs  have  mounted  to  the  very  highest  social  rank. 
But  they  must  not  attempt  anything  which  is  in  imi- 
tation of  the  etiquette  of  fashionable  life  unless  they 
•can  do  it  well  and  thoroughly. 

Nothing  is  more  honorable  than  a  marriage  cele- 
brated in  the  presence  only  of  father,  mother,  and 
priest.  Two  young  people  unwilling  or  unable  to 
have  splendid  dresses,  equipages,  cards,  and  ceremony, 
can  always  be  married  in  this  way,  and  may  rise  after- 
wards to  the  highest  political  position  in  the  state  or 
the  nation.  They  are  not  hampered  by  it  hereafter. 
But  the  bride  should  never  forget  her  dignity.  She 
should  never  let  the  groom  pay  for  cards,  or  for  any- 
thing, unless  it  is  the  marriage  license,  wherever  it  is 
needful  in  this  country,  the  wedding-ring,  and  the 
clergyman's  fee.  If  she  does,  she  puts  herself  in  a 
false  position. 

A  very  sensible  observer,  writing  of  America  and 
its  young  people,  and  the  liberty  allowed  them,  says 
"the  liberty,  or  the  license,  of  our  youth  will  have  to 
be  curtailed.  As  our  society  becomes  complex  and 
artificial,  like  older  societies  in  Europe,  our  children 
will  be  forced  to  approximate  to  them  in  status,  and 
parents  will  have  to  waken  to  a  sense  of  their  respon- 
sibilities." 

This  is  a  remark  which  applies  at  once  to  that  liberty 
permitted  to  engaged  couples  in  rural  neighborhoods, 
where  the  young  girl  is  allowed  to  go  on  a  journey  at 
her  lover's  expense.  A  girl's  natural  protectors  should 
know  better  than  to  allow  this.  They  know  that  her 

70 


Wly0  $ags  far  tit*  OUr&0?" 


purity  is  her  chief  attraction  to  man,  and  that  a  cer- 
tain coyness  and  virginal  freshness  are  the  dowry  she 
should  bring  her  future  husband.  Suppose  that  this 
engagement  is  broken  off.  How  will  she  be  accepted 
by  another  lover  after  having  enjoyed  the  hospitality 
of  the  first?  Would  it  not  always  make  a  disagreea- 
ble feeling  between  the  two  men,  although  No.  2  might 
have  perfect  respect  for  the  girl  ? 

Etiquette  may  sometimes  make  blunders,  but  it  is 
generally  based  on  a  right  principle,  and  here  it  is 
undoubtedly  founded  in  truth  and  justice.  In  other 
countries  this  truth  is  so  fully  realized  that  daughters 
are  guarded  by  the  vigilance  of  parents  almost  to  the 
verge  of  absurdity.  A  young  girl  is  never  allowed  to 
go  out  alone,  and  no  man  is  permitted  to  enter  the 
household  until  his  character  has  undergone  the  closest 
scrutiny.  Marriage  is  a  unique  contract,  and  all  the 
various  wrongs  caused  by  hasty  marriages,  all  the 
troubles  before  the  courts,  all  the  divorces,  are  multi- 
plied by  the  carelessness  of  American  parents,  who, 
believing,  and  truly  believing,  in  the  almost  universal 
purity  of  their  daughters,  are  careless  of  the  fold,  not 
remembering  the  one  black  sheep. 

Tliis  evil  of  excessive  liberty  and  of  the  lax  eti- 
quette of  our  young  people  cannot  be  rooted  out  by 
laws.  It  must  begin  at  the  hearth-stone.  Family  life 
must  be  reformed;  young  ladies  must  be  brought  up 
with  greater  strictness.  The  bloom  of  innocence 
should  not  be  brushed  off  by  careless  hands.  If  a 
mother  leaves  her  daughter  matronless,  to  receive  at- 


4Hatut?rB  ani  Mortal 


<$H8H8HgH|H|HSHgH|HgK|^^ 

tentions  without  her  dignified  presence,  she  opens  the 
door  to  an  unworthy  man,  who  may  mean  marriage 
or  not.  He  may  be  a  most  unsuitable  husband  even 
if  he  does  mean  marriage.  If  he  takes  the  young  lady 
about,  paying  for  her  cab  hire,  her  theatre  tickets,  and 
her  journeyings,  and  then  drops  her,  whom  have  they 
to  thank  but  themselves  that  her  bloom  is  brushed  off, 
that  her  character  suffers,  that  she  is  made  ridiculous, 
and  marries  some  one  whom  she  does  not  love,  for  a 
home? 

Men,  as  they  look  back  on  their  own  varied  expe- 
rience, are  apt  to  remember  with  great  respect  the 
women  who  were  cold  and  distant.  They  love  the 
fruit  which  hung  the  highest,  the  flower  which  was 
guarded,  and  which  did  not  grow  under  their  feet  in 
the  highway.  They  look  back  with  vague  wonder 
that  they  were  ever  infatuated  with  a  fast  girl  who 
matured  into  a  vulgar  woman. 

And  we  must  remember  what  a  fatal  effect  upon 
marriage  is  the  loosing  of  the  ties  of  respect.  Love 
without  trust  is  without  respect,  and  if  a  lover  has  not 
respected  his  fiancee,  he  will  never  respect  his  wife. 

It  is  the  privilege  of  the  bride  to  name  the  wedding- 
day. 

When  the  circle  of  friends  on  both  sides  is  very 
extensive,  it  is  customary  to  send  invitations  to  some, 
who  are  not  called  to  the  wedding-breakfast,  to  attend 
the  ceremony  in  church.  This  takes  the  place  of 
issuing  cards.  No  one  thinks  of  calling  on  the  newly 
married  who  has  not  received  either  an  invitation  to 

72 


ffagg  for  ttyg 


|HSH^^ 

the  ceremony  at  church,  announcement-cards,  or  cards 
after  their  establishment  in  their  new  home. 

An  announcement-card  is  engraved  on  plain,  heavy 
white  paper,  and  may  be  worded  as  follows: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Purges  on 

have  the  honor  to  announce 

the  marriage  of  their  daughter 

Margaret 

to 

Mr.  James  Delluce 

on  Wednesday,  June  the  twelfth 

nineteen  hundred  and  seven 

at  St.  Thomas's  Church 

Nahant,  Massachusetts 

Now  one  of  our  correspondents  writes  to  us,  ''Who 
pays  for  the  a/ter-cards?" 

These  have  been  replaced  to  a  great  extent  by  an- 
nouncement-cards. Where  they  are  used,  they  are  in 
most  cases  ordered  with  the  other  cards,  and  the  bride's 
mother  pays  for  them.  But  if  they  are  ordered  after 
the  marriage,  the  groom  may  pay  for  these  as  he  would 
pay  for  his  wife's  ordinary  expenses.  Still,  it  is  strict- 
er etiquette  that  even  these  should  be  paid  for  by  the 
bride's  family.  A  card  inscribed: 

At  Home 

after  February  the  Fourteenth 

at  Woodlawn  Terrace 

Yonkers,  New  York 

is  often  enclosed  with  the  wedding  invitation,  or  with 
the  announcement-cards.     Or  a  similar  formula  is  oc- 

73 


jKann?r0  and  Mortal 


casionally  printed  in  the  lower  left-hand  corner  of  the 
announcement-card. 

People  who  are  asked  to  the  wedding  send  cards  to 
the  house  if  they  cannot  attend,  and  in  any  case  send 
or  leave  cards  within  ten  days  after,  unless  they  are 
in  very  deep  mourning,  when  a  dispensation  is  granted 
them. 

The  etiquette  of  a  wedding  at  home  does  not  differ 
at  all  from  the  etiquette  of  a  wedding  in  church  with 
regard  to  cards.  The  first  and  important  card  goes 
to  the  lady  who  gives  the  wedding.  After  the  bride 
is  established  in  her  new  home,  one  calls  on  her  or 
sends  her  cards. 

The  order  of  the  religious  part  of  the  ceremony  is 
fixed  by  the  church  in  which  it  occurs.  The  bride 
naturally  prefers  to  have  it  performed  by  her  own 
clergyman,  or  to  have  him  take  some  part  in  it,  as- 
sisted perhaps  by  others.  A  bishop  or  other  high 
ecclesiastical  functionary  is  often  asked  to  officiate, 
where  the  couple  to  be  married  belong  to  rich  or  im- 
portant families,  or  where  they  are  connected  with 
him  by  ties  of  blood  or  friendship.  Several  clergy- 
men unite  to  perform  the  ceremony  at  some  brilliant 
weddings.  But  the  bride  should  hesitate  to  add  thus 
to  the  expenses  of  her  future  husband,  if  he  is  not  a 
rich  man.  The  groom  must  call  on  the  rector  or 
clergyman,  see  the  organist,  and  make  what  arrange- 
ments the  bride  pleases. 

The  sexton  should  see  to  it  that  the  white  ribbon  is 
stretched  across  the  aisle,  that  the  awning  and  carpet 

74 


ffiagg  far  tt?g 


<JHgH§HJH|HgH|HiHSH^^ 

are  in  place,  and  it  would  be  well  if  the  police  regula- 
tions could  extend  to  the  group  of  idlers  who  crowd 
around  the  church  door  in  our  large  cities,  to  the  great 
inconvenience  of  the  guests. 

The  separate  cards  of  the  bride  and  groom  are  no 
longer  included  in  the  invitation. 

Announcement  -  cards  are  often  issued  by  the  par- 
ents of  the  bride  after  a  wedding;  these  are  sent  to  all 
friends  who  were  not  asked  to  the  wedding,  and  also 
to  the  visiting  acquaintance  of  both  families. 


CHAPTER  VIII 

WEDDINGS    AFTER   EASTER 

LL  our  brides  may  rejoice  that  they  are 
not  French  brides.  It  is  very  troublesome 
to  be  married  in  France,  especially  if  one 
of  the  high  contracting  parties  be  a  for- 
eigner-  A  certificate  of  baptism  is  required, 
together  with  that  of  the  marriage  of  the 
father  and  mother,  and  a  written  consent  of  the 
grandfather  and  grandmother,  if  either  is  alive  and 
the  parents  dead.  The  names  of  the  parties  are  then 
put  up  on  the  door  of  the  mairie,  or  mayor's  office,  for 
eleven  days. 

In  England  there  are  fcur  ways  of  getting  married. 
The  first  is  by  special  license,  which  enables  two  peo- 
ple to  be  married  at  any  time  and  at  any  place;  but 
this  is  very  expensive,  costing  fifty  pounds,  and  is  only 
obtainable  through  an  archbishop.  Then  there  is  the 
ordinary  license,  which  can  be  procured  either  at  Doc- 
tor's Commons  or  through  a  clergyman,  who  must  also 
be  a  surrogate,  and  resident  in  the  diocese  where  the 
marriage  is  to  take  place ;  both  parties  must  swear  that 
they  are  of  age,  or,  if  minors,  that  they  have  the  con- 
sent of  their  parents.  But  to  be  married  by  banns  is 


after  Caster 


considered  the  most  orthodox  as  well  as  the  most  eco- 
nomical way  of  proceeding.  The  banns  must  be  pub- 
lished in  the  church  of  the  parish  in  which  the  lady 
lives  for  three  consecutive  Sundays  prior  to  the  mar- 
riage, also  the  same  law  holds  good  for  the  gentleman, 
and  the  parties  must  have  resided  fifteen  days  in  the 
parish.  Or  the  knot  may  be  tied  at  a  licensed  chapel, 
or  at  the  office  of  a  registrar,  notice  being  given  three 
weeks  previously. 

We  merely  quote  these  safeguards  against  impru- 
dent marriages  to  show  our  brides  how  free  they  are. 
And  perhaps,  as  we  sometimes  find,  they  are  too  free ; 
there  is  danger  that  there  may  be  too  much  ease  in 
tying  the  knot  that  so  many  wish  untied  later,  judging 
from  the  frequency  of  divorce. 

However,  we  will  not  throw  a  damper  on  that  occa- 
sion which  for  whirl  and  bustle  and  gayety  and  excite- 
ment is  not  equalled  by  any  other  day  in  a  person's 
life.  The  city  wedding  in  New  York  is  marked,  first, 
by  the  arrival  of  the  caterer,  who  comes  to  spread  the 
wedding-breakfast;  and  later  on  by  the  florist,  who 
appears  to  decorate  the  rooms,  to  hang  the  floral  bell, 
or  to  spread  the  floral  umbrella,  or  to  build  a  grotto  of 
flowers  in  the  bow-window  where  the  happy  couple 
shall  stand.  Some  of  the  latest  freaks  in  floral  fashion 
cause  a  bower  of  tall,  growing  ferns  to  be  constructed, 
the  ferns  meeting  over  the  bridal  pair.  This  is,  of 
course,  supposing  that  the  wedding  takes  place  at 
home.  There  should  not  be  a  close  atmosphere  or 
too  many  overfragrant  flowers;  for  at  a  home  wedding, 

77 


JBamtgrB  anfl  £nrtal 


however  well  the  arrangements  have  been  made  in 
advance,  there  is  always  a  little  time  spent  in  waiting 
for  the  bride,  a  few  presents  arrive  late,  and  there  is 
always  a  slight  confusion,  so  that  the  mamma  is  apt 
to  be  nervous  and  flushed  and  the  bride  agitated. 

A  church  wedding  involves  a  great  deal  more  trouble, 
especially  where  there  are  bridesmaids;  carriages  must 
be  ordered  for  them,  for  the  family,  and  for  the  bride 
and  her  father. 

Fortunately  there  is  no  stern  law  prescribing  the 
hours  within  which  a  wedding  must  take  place.  If 
every  one  is  late  at  church,  no  dire  results  follow  here 
as  they  would  in  England.  There  the  law  would  read, 
"The  rite  of  marriage  is  to  be  performed  between  the 
hours  of  8  A.M.  and  noon,  upon  pain  of  suspension  and 
felony  with  fourteen  years'  transportation."  Such  is 
the  stern  order  to  the  officiating  priests. 

The  reason  for  this  curious  custom  and  the  terrible 
penalty  awaiting  its  infringement  is  traceable,  it  is 
said,  to  the  wrongs  committed  on  innocent  parties  by 
the  "hedge"  parsons.  Also,  alas!  because  our  English 
ancestors  were  apt  to  be  drunk  after  mid-day  and  un- 
able to  take  an  oath. 

A  bride  may  have  as  many  bridesmaids  as  she  likes  — 
two,  four,  six,  eight,  or  even  more.  She  has,  of  course, 
the  privilege  of  choosing  the  dresses.  The  prettiest 
toilettes  we  have  seen  were  of  heliotrope  chiffon  over 
silk;  and  again  pale  pink  with  white  lace.  The  hats 
were  of  white  chip,  with  feathers  of  pink,  for  this  last 
dress.  One  set  of  bridesmaids  wore  Nile-green  dresses, 


after  Easier 


with  pink  plumes  in  their  coiffures ;  another  set  were  in 
white  silk  and  silver. 

A  bride's  dress  has  lately  been  ornamented  with 
orange-blossoms  and  lilacs.  The  veil  was  fastened  on 
with  orange-flowers ;  the  corsage  bouquet  was  of  orange- 
flowers  and  lilacs  mixed;  the  lace  over-dress  was  caught 
up  with  lilac  sprays;  the  hand  bouquet  wholly  of  lilacs; 
the  gardener's  success  in  producing  these  dwarf  bushes 
covered  with  white  lilacs  has  given  us  the  beautiful 
flower  in  great  perfection.  Cowslips  have  been  used 
as  corsage  and  hand  bouquets  for  bridesmaids'  dresses, 
the  dresses  being  of  pale-blue  silk,  with  yellow  Gains- 
borough hats  and  yellow  plumes.  White  gloves  and 
shoes  are  proper  for  brides;  and  dresses  with  long  or 
elbow  sleeves  are  still  pronounced  the  best  style  ac- 
cording to  modern  custom;  these  are  never  de'collete* 
for  a  wedding  in  the  daytime.  The  yoke  may  be  of 
lace  if  preferred. 

Bridal  dresses  are  usually  of  white  satin  and  point 
lace,  a  preference  for  lace  veils  being  very  evident. 
The  tulle  veil  when  prettily  arranged  is  becoming  to 
most  young  women,  and  cannot  be  given  up  alto- 
gether, since  few  brides  can  afford  to  wear  real  lace. 
The  imitation  article  cannot  be  used  for  this  pur- 
pose. 

The  ushers  and  the  groom  wear  very  large  bouton- 
nieres  of  stephanotis  and  gardenias,  or  equally  large 
bunches  of  lilies-of-the-valley,  in  their  button-holes. 

It  is  a  matter  of  taste  whether  the  bride  wears  her 
gloves  to  the  altar  or  whether  she  goes  up  with  un- 
6  79 


att&  Mortal 


tgHgHSxlHSHgHlHlHlHiH^^ 

covered  hands.  "  High-Church  "  brides,  also  those  who 
have  beautiful  hands,  prefer  the  latter  custom.  The 
bride  carries  a  prayer-book,  if  she  prefers,  instead  of 
a  bouquet.  The  holy  communion  is  administered  to 
the  married  pair  if  they  desire  it. 

One  correspondent  inquires,  "Who  should  be  asked 
to  a  church  wedding?"  We  should  say  all  your  visit- 
ing-list or  none.  There  is  an  unusual  feeling  about 
being  left  out  at  a  wedding,  and  no  explanation  that 
it  is  "a  small  and  not  a  general  invitation"  seems  to 
satisfy  those  who  are  thus  passed  over.  It  is  much 
better  to  offend  no  one  on  so  important  an  occasion. 

Wedding  -  cards  and  wedding  stationery  have  not 
altered  at  all.  The  simple  styles  are  the  best.  The 
bridal  linen  should  be  marked  with  the  maiden  name 
of  the  bride. 

A  solitaire  diamond  is  always  a  favorite  style  for  an 
engagement-ring.  A  diamond  and  a  ruby,  or  a  dia- 
mond and  a  sapphire,  set  at  right  angles  or  diagonally, 
have  also  been  in  vogue  of  late  years.  Pearls  are  not 
often  used,  as,  according  to  the  German  idea,  "pearls 
are  tears  for  a  bride."  The  wedding-ring  is  entirely 
different,  being  merely  a  plain  gold  ring,  not  very  wide 
nor  a  square  band,  as  it  was  a  few  years  since,  and  the 
engagement-ring  is  worn  as  a  guard  aboye  the  wedding- 
ring.  It  is  not  usual  for  the  bride  expectant  to  give 
a  ring  to  her  intended  husband,  but  many  girls  like 
to  give  an  engagement  gift  to  their  betrothed.  Inside 
the  engagement  -  ring  is  the  date  of  the  engagement 
and  the  initials  of  each  of  the  contracting  parties.  The 

80 


aft*r 


<$KJH|Hfr3H|H|H|H|H|HgKg^^ 

wedding -ring  has  the  date  of  the  marriage  and  the 
initials. 

The  bride's  name  cut  in  silver  or  gold  serves  for  a 
lace-pin,  and  makes  a  pretty  gift  to  the  bridesmaids. 
The  fashion  of  having  a  maid  of  honor  continues  to 
be  popular.  She  walks  alone  immediately  in  front  of 
the  bride  and  her  father.  Where  there  are  brides- 
maids she  follows  them,  coming  just  before  the  bride, 
if  there  are  no  flower-girls.  When  there  are,  these  im- 
mediately precede  the  bride,  strewing  flowers  in  her 
path. 

We  have  been  asked,  "Who  shall  conduct  the  single 
bridesmaid  to  the  altar?"  If  any  one,  it  should  be  the 
brother  of  the  groom,  her  own  fiance,  or  some  chosen 
friend — never  the  best  man;  he  does  not  leave  his 
friend  the  groom  until  he  sees  him  fairly  launched  on 
that  hopeful  but  uncertain  sea  whose  reverses  and 
whose  smiles  are  being  constantly  tempted.  The  single 
bridesmaid  generally  walks  alone. 

In  the  matter  of  floral  decoration,  often  absurdly  ex- 
pensive, the  bride's  own  fancy  is  consulted,  as  to  her 
must  be  relegated  the  colors  of  the  bridesmaids'  gowns. 
There  is  no  established  etiquette  in  these  matters. 

An  excessive  floral  display  is  thought  to  be  in  bad 
taste,  especially  when  the  parents  of  the  bride  are  not 
rich  people.  Common-sense  dictates  that  the  expenses 
of  the  wedding  shall  bear  some  proportion  to  the  means 
of  those  giving  it.  Otherwise  unkind  criticism  is  sure 
to  follow. 

In  arranging  the  house  for  the  spring  wedding  the 
81 


IBattttrra  anft  Mortal 


florists  often  employ  only  one  kind  of  flower  in  masses; 
so  we  hear  of  the  apple-blossom  wedding,  the  lilac 
wedding,  the  lily  wedding,  the  rose  wedding,  the  daf- 
fodil wedding,  the  violet  wedding,  and  the  daisy  wed- 
ding. So  well  has  this  been  carried  out,  that  at  a 
recent  daisy  wedding  the  bride's  lace  and  diamond 
ornaments  bore  the  daisy  pattern,  and  each  brides- 
maid received  a  daisy  pin  with  a  diamond  centre. 

This  fashion  of  massing  flowers  of  a  single  variety 
has  its  advantages  when  that  flower  is  the  beautiful, 
feathery  lilac,  as  ornamental  as  a  plume;  but  it  is  not 
to  be  commended  when  the  blossoms  are  as  sombre  as 
the  violet,  which  nowadays  suggests  funerals.  Daffo- 
dils are  lovely  and  original,  and  apple-blossoms,  with 
their  delicate  beauty,  are  very  decorative.  No  one 
needs  to  be  told  that  roses  look  better  for  being  massed, 
and  it  is  a  pretty  conceit  for  a  bride  to  make  the  flower 
which  was  the  ornament  of  her  wedding  her  flower  for 
life. 

We  have  mentioned  the  surroundings  of  the  brides, 
but  have  not  spoken  of  the  background.  A  screen 
hung  with  white  and  purple  lilacs  formed  the  back- 
ground of  one  fair  bride,  a  hanging-curtain  of  Jacque- 
minot roses  formed  the  appropriate  setting  of  another. 
Perhaps  the  most  regal  of  these  floral  screens  was  one 
formed  of  costly  orchids,  each  worth  a  fortune. 

It  is  customary  to  have  the  organist  play  the  wed- 
ding-march from  "Lohengrin"  as  the  bride  walks  up 
the  aisle,  and  greet  the  newly  married  pair  with  the  tri- 
umphant music  of  the  march  from  Mendelssohn's  "Mid- 

82 


summer  Night's  Dream"  as  they  leave  the  altar.  A 
band  of  choir-boys  sometimes  march  down  the  aisle 
to  meet  the  bridal  procession,  singing  an  epithalamium. 
They  then  turn  and  head  the  cortege  as  it  advances  to 
the  altar.  These  fresh,  young  voices  hailing  the  youth- 
ful couple  are  in  keeping  with  the  child  bridesmaids 
and  the  youthful  brothers.  Nay,  they  suggest  those 
frescoes  of  the  Italian  villas  where  Hymen  and  Cupid, 
two  immortal  boys,  always  precede  the  happy  pair. 

The  nurses,  the  cook,  the  maids,  and  the  men-ser- 
vants in  England  always  expect  a  wedding-favor  and 
a  small  gratuity  at  a  wedding,  and  in  this  country 
should  be  remembered  by  a  box  of  cake,  and  possibly 
by  a  new  dress,  cap,  or  bonnet,  or  something  to  recall 
the  day. 

The  pretty  plan  of  cutting  the  bride-cake  and  hunt- 
ing for  a  ring  has  been  long  exploded,  as  the  brides- 
maids declare  that  it  ruins  their  gloves,  and  that  in 
these  days  of  eighteen  buttons  it  is  too  much  trouble 
to  take  off  and  put  on  a  glove  for  the  sake  of  rinding 
a  ring  in  a  bit  of  greasy  pastry.  However,  it  might 
supplement  a  wedding-supper. 

The  present  of  cake  in  boxes  has  superseded  the 
bride-cake  to  a  great  extent.  As  the  ring  is  the  ex- 
pressive emblem  of  the  perpetuity  of  the  compact,  and 
as  the  bride-cake  and  customary  libations  form  sig- 
nificant symbols  of  the  nectar  sweets  of  matrimony, 
it  will  not  do  to  banish  the  cake  altogether,  although 
few  people  eat  it  and  few  wish  to  carry  it  away. 


CHAPTER  IX 

BEFORE    THE    WEDDING 

|HE  reception  of  an  engaged  girl  by  the  fam- 
ily of  her  future  husband  should  be  most 
cordial,  and  no  time  should  be  lost  in  giving 
her  a  warm  welcome.  It  is  the  moment  of 
all  others  when  she  will  feel  such  a  welcome 
most  gratefully,  and  when  any  neglect  will 
be  certain  to  give  her  the  keenest  unhappiness. 

It  is  the  fashion  for  the  mother  of  the  groom  to  in- 
vite both  the  family  of  the  expectant  bride  and  her- 
self to  a  dinner  as  soon  as  possible  after  the  formal 
announcement  of  the  engagement.  The  two  families 
should  meet  and  should  make  friendships  at  once. 

It  is  to  these  near  relatives  that  the  probable  date 
of  the  wedding-day  is  first  whispered,  in  time  to  allow 
of  much  consultation  and  preparation  in  the  selection 
of  wedding-gifts.  In  opulent  families  each  has  some- 
times given  the  young  couple  a  silver  dinner  service 
and  much  silver  besides,  and  the  rooms  of  the  bride's 
father's  house  look  like  a  jeweler's  shop  when  the 
presents  are  shown.  All  the  magnificent  ormolu  orna- 
ments for  the  chimney-piece,  handsome  clocks  and 
lamps,  fans  in  large  quantities,  spoons,  forks  by  the 

84 


hundred,  and  of  late  years  the  fine  gilt  ornaments, 
furniture,  bracelets — all  are  piled  up  in  most-admired 
confusion.  And  when  the  invitations  are  out,  then 
come  in  the  outer  world  with  their  more  hastily  pro- 
cured gifts:  rare  specimens  of  china,  little  paintings, 
ornaments  for  the  person — all,  all  are  in  order. 

A  present  is  generally  packed  where  it  is  bought, 
and  sent  with  the  giver's  card  from  the  shop  to  the 
bride  directly.  If  it  is  marked,  the  bride's  maiden 
name  or  initials  should  be  used.  She  should  always 
acknowledge  its  arrival  by  a  personal  note  written  by 
herself.  A  young  bride  once  gave  mortal  offence  by 
not  thus  acknowledging  her  gifts.  She  said  she  had 
so  many  that  she  could  not  find  time  to  write  the 
notes,  which  was  naturally  considered  boastful  and 
most  ungracious. 

Gifts  which  owe  their  value  to  the  personal  taste 
or  industry  of  the  friend  who  sends  are  particularly 
complimentary.  A  piece  of  embroidery,  an  oil  paint- 
ing, a  water -color  are  most  flattering  gifts,  as  they 
betoken  a  long  and  predetermined  interest. 

No  friend  should  be  deterred  from  sending  a  small 
present,  one  not  representing  a  money  value,  because 
other  and  richer  people  can  send  a  more  expensive 
one.  Often  the  little  gift  remains  as  a  most  endear- 
ing and  useful  souvenir. 

The  fashion  of  wedding-gifts  changes  from  year  to 
year.  Silver  is  always  popular,  and  so  is  jewelry. 
Useful  gifts  are  always  in  order,  especially  where  the 
young  people  possess  only  modest  means.  Furniture 


jHattttrra  anft  Mortal 


is  now  made  in  such  artistic  forms  as  to  be  very  suit- 
able for  wedding-presents,  and  the  same  is  true  of  glass 
and  china  ware. 

Those  who  know  the  bride  well  enough  should  try 
to  find  out  what  she  would  prefer.  It  is  sad  and  also 
a  little  absurd  to  see  a  young  woman  who  will  prob- 
ably do  her  own  housework,  or  keep  a  single  domestic, 
loaded  down  with  silver  gifts  till  her  rooms  look  like 
a  silversmith's.  Since  she  cannot  give  the  time  to 
keep  all  this  precious  metal  polished,  and  as  she  is 
perhaps  afraid  of  burglars,  in  her  husband's  absence, 
most  of  it  is  usually  sent  to  the  safety  deposit  vaults. 
Meantime  the  young  couple  may  be  really  in  need  of 
more  useful  housefurnishings  —  handsome  napery  for 
the  table,  rugs,  or  Morris  chairs. 

Where  the  bride  and  groom  possess  ample  means, 
the  case  is  different. 

We  have  now  passed  the  age  of  bronze  and  that  of 
brass,  and  silver  holds  the  first  place  of  importance. 
Not  only  the  coffee  and  tea  sets,  but  the  dinner-sets 
and  the  whole  furniture  of  the  writing-table,  and  even 
brooms  and  brushes,  are  made  with  repousse  silver 
handles  —  the  last,  of  course,  for  the  toilette,  as  for 
dusting  velvet,  feathers,  bonnets,  etc. 

The  oxidized,  ugly,  discolored  silver  is  not  so  fash- 
ionable as  it  was,  and  the  beautiful,  bright,  highly 
polished  silver,  with  its  own  natural  and  unmatchable 
color,  has  come  in.  The  salvers  afford  a  splendid  sur- 
face for  a  monogram,  which  is  now  copied  from  the 
old  Dutch  silver,  and  bears  many  a  true-lovers'  knot, 

36 


and  every  sort  and  kind  of  ornamentation;  sometimes 
even  a  little  verse,  or  posy,  as  it  was  called  in  olden 
time.  One  tea-caddy  at  a  recent  wedding  bore  the 
following  almost  obsolete  rhyme,  which  Cory  don  might 
have  sent  to  Phyllis  in  pastoral  times: 

"My  heart  to  you  is  given; 
Oh,  do  give  yours  to  me; 
We'll  lock  them  up  together, 
And  throw  away  the  key  " 

It  should  be  added  that  the  silver  tea-caddy  was  in 
the  shape  of  a  heart  and  that  it  had  a  key.  Very 
dear  to  the  heart  of  a  housewife  is  the  tea-caddy  which 
can  be  locked. 

Another  unique  present  was  a  gold  tea -scoop  of 
ancient  pattern,  probably  once  a  baby's  pap -spoon. 
There  were  also  apostle  -  spoons,  little  silver  canoes, 
and  other  devices  to  hold  cigarettes  and  ashes;  little 
mysterious  boxes  for  the  toilette,  to  hold  the  tongs  for 
curling  hair,  and  hair-pins;  mirror  frames,  and  even 
chair-backs  and  tables — all  of  silver. 

Friends  often  conspire  to  make  their  offerings  to- 
gether, so  that  there  may  be  no  duplicates,  and  no 
pieces  in  the  silver  service  which  do  not  match.  This 
is  a  very  excellent  plan.  Old  pieces  like  silver  tank- 
ards, Queen  Anne  silver,  and  the  ever-beautiful  Balti- 
more workmanship,  are  highly  prized. 

Clusters  of  diamond  stars,  daisies,  or  primroses  that 
can  be  grouped  together  are  now  favorite  gifts  for  those 
who  can  afford  such  luxuries,  as  are  also  diamond  but- 

8? 


Utamtgrg  anft  Mortal 


^ 

ter-flies  and  other  insects.  In  this  costly  gift  several 
friends  join  again,  as  in  the  silver  presentation.  Dia- 
mond bracelets  that  can  be  used  as  necklaces  are  also 
favorite  presents.  All  sorts  of  vases,  bits  of  china, 
cloisonne*,  clocks  (although  there  is  not  such  a  plethora 
of  clocks  and  lamps  as  a  few  years  ago),  choice  etch- 
ings framed,  and  embroidered  table-cloths,  doilies, 
and  useful  coverings  for  bureau  and  wash-stands  are 
in  order. 

We  have  been  asked  if  the  family  of  the  intended 
husband  should  send  the  bride  presents.  Of  course, 
as  handsome  as  they  can  afford.  This  is  important. 
It  is  very  much  the  fashion  to  send  presents  to  the  en- 
gaged girl  from  the  family  she  is  about  to  enter.  The 
father,  mother,  and  sisters  of  the  fiance"  (we  have  no 
English  word  for  this  important  person)  are  apt  to 
send  some  small  articles  of  jewelry. 

It  is  also  the  fashion  for  intimate  friends  to  send 
gifts  when  the  engagement  is  announced. 

As  for  the  conduct  of  the  betrothed  pair  during 
their  engagement,  our  American  mammas  are  apt  to 
be  somewhat  more  lenient  in  their  views  of  the  liberty 
to  be  allowed  than  are  the  English.  With  the  latter, 
no  young  lady  is  allowed  to  drive  alone  with  her  fiance; 
there  must  be  a  servant  in  attendance.  No  young 
lady  must  visit  in  the  family  of  her  -fiance,  unless  he 
has  a  mother  to  receive  her.  Nor  is  she  allowed  to 
go  to  the  theatre  alone  with  him,  or  to  travel  under 
his  escort,  to  stop  at  the  same  hotel,  or  to  relax  one  of 
those  rigid  rules  which  a  severe  chaperon  would  en- 

88 


force;  and  it  must  be  allowed  that  this  severe  and 
careful  attention  to  appearances  is  in  good  taste. 

We  have  already  spoken  of  the  engagement  -  ring 
prescribed  by  modern  fashion,  although  it  is  perfectly 
proper,  and  indeed  much  more  sensible,  for  the  groom 
to  give  a  simple  and  inexpensive  ring,  if  he  is  in  mod- 
est circumstances.  The  manner  of  presentation  is  a 
secret  between  the  engaged  pair. 

After  the  bridal  pair  return  from  their  wedding- 
tour,  the  bridesmaids  each  give  them  a  dinner  or  a 
party,  or  show  some  attention,  if  they  are  so  sit- 
uated that  they  can  do  so.  The  members  of  the 
two  families,  also,  each  give  a  dinner  to  the  young 
couple. 

It  is  now  a  very  convenient  and  pleasant  custom 
for  the  bride  to  announce  with  her  wedding-cards  two 
or  more  reception  -  days,  during  the  winter  after  her 
marriage,  on  which  her  friends  can  call  upon  her. 
The  certainty  of  finding  a  bride  at  home  is  very  pleas- 
ing. On  these  occasions  she  does  not  wear  her  wed- 
ding-dress, but  receives  her  guests  as  one  already  an 
established  member  of  society  in  the  kind  of  reception 
gown  which  the  fashion  of  the  moment  dictates  as 
suitable.  As  for  wearing  her  wedding-dress  to  balls 
or  dinners  after  her  marriage,  it  is  perfectly  proper  to 
do  so,  if  she  divests  herself  of  her  veil  and  her  orange- 
blossoms. 

The  bride  should  be  very  attentive  and  conciliatory 
to  all  her  husband's  friends.  They  will  look  with  in- 
terest upon  her  from  the  moment  they  hear  of  the 


anb  gmrtal 


engagement,  and  it  is  in  the  worst  taste  for  her  to 
show  indifference  to  them. 

Quiet  weddings,  either  in  church  or  at  the  house, 
are  very  much  preferred  by  some  families.  Indeed, 
the  French,  from  whom  we  have  learned  many  —  and 
might  learn  more  —  lessons  of  grace  and  good  taste, 
infinitely  prefer  them. 

As  to  the  wedding-tour,  it  is  no  longer  considered 
obligatory,  nor  is  the  seclusion  of  the  honey-moon  de- 
manded. A  very  fashionable  girl  who  married  an 
Englishman  at  Newport  returned  in  three  days  to  take 
her  own  house  there,  and  to  receive  and  give  out 
invitations.  If  the  newly  married  pair  thus  begin 
housekeeping  in  their  own  way,  they  generally  issue 
a  few  "At  Home"  cards,  and  thereby  open  an  easy 
door  for  future  hospitalities.  Certainly  the  once  per- 
functory bridal  tour  is  no  longer  deemed  essential,  and 
the  more  sensible  fashion  exists  of  the  taking  of  a 
friend's  house  a  few  miles  out  of  town  for  a  month. 

Such  exhibitions  in  the  cars  or  in  public  places  as 
one  often  sees,  of  the  bride  laying  her  head  on  her 
husband's  shoulder,  holding  hands,  or  kissing,  are  at 
once  vulgar  and  indecent.  All  public  display  of  an 
affectionate  nature  should  be  sedulously  avoided.  The 
affections  are  too  sacred  for  such  outward  showing, 
and  the  lookers-on  are  in  a  very  disagreeable  position. 
The  French  call  love-making  Vegoisme  &  deux,  and  no 
egotism  is  agreeable.  People  who  see  a  pair  of  young 
doves  cooing  in  public  are  apt  to  say  that  a  quarrel  is 
not  far  off.  It  is  possible  for  a  lover  to  show  every 

90 


$?for? 


xlHlHgKg^^ 

attention,  every  assiduity,  and  not  to  overdo  his  dem- 
onstrations. 

The  young  people  are  not  expected,  unless  fortune 
has  been  exceptionally  kind,  to  be  immediately  re- 
sponsive in  the  matter  of  entertainments.  The  outer 
world  is  only  too  happy  to  entertain  them.  Nothing 
can  be  more  imprudent  than  for  a  young  couple  to 
rush  into  expenditures  which  may  endanger  their  fut- 
ure happiness  and  peace  of  mind,  nor  should  they  feel 
that  they  are  obliged  at  once  to  return  the  dinners 
and  the  parties  given  to  them.  The  time  will  come, 
doubtless,  when  they  will  be  able  to  do  so. 

But  the  announcement  of  a  day  on  which  the  bride 
will  receive  her  friends  is  almost  indispensable.  The 
refreshments  on  these  occasions  should  not  exceed 
tea  and  cake,  or,  at  the  most,  punch,  tea,  chocolate, 
and  cakes,  which  may  stand  on  a  table  at  one  end  of 
the  room  or  may  be  handed  by  a  servant.  Bouillon, 
on  a  cold  day  of  winter,  is  also  in  order,  and  is  per- 
haps the  most  serviceable  of  all  simple  refreshments. 
For  in  giving  a  "four-o'clock  tea/'  or  several  day  re- 
ceptions, a  large  entertainment  is  decidedly  vulgar. 
Let  it  be  composed  of  tea,  chocolate,  sandwiches,  and 
cakes,  with  perhaps  a  few  bonbons. 


CHAPTER  X 

WEDDING   ANNIVERSARIES 

ERY  few  people  have  the  golden  opportu- 
nity of  living  together  for  fifty  years  in  the 
holy  estate  of  matrimony.  When  they  have 
overcome  in  so  great  a  degree  the  many  in- 
firmities of  the  flesh,  and  the  common  incom- 
patibility of  tempers,  they  deserve  to  be  con- 
gratulated, and  to  have  a  wedding  festivity  which  shall  be 
as  ceremonious  as  the  first  one  and  twice  as  impressive. 
The  golden  wedding  is  a  rare  festivity — the  great 
marriage  bell  made  of  wheat  fully  ripe;  sheaves  of 
corn;  roses  of  the  pure  gold  color  (the  Marshal  Niel 
is  the  golden-wedding  flower  par  excellence).  We  can 
well  imagine  the  parlors  beautifully  decorated  with 
autumn  leaves  and  evergreens,  the  children  grouped 
about  the  aged  pair,  perhaps  even  a  great-grandchild 
as  a  child  bridesmaid,  a  bridal  bouquet  in  the  aged 
white  hand.  We  can  fancy  nothing  more  poetical  and 
beautiful  than  this  festivity. 

Whether  or  not  a  ring  should  be  given  by  the  hus- 
band to  the  wife  on  this  occasion  we  must  leave  to  the 
individual  taste  of  the  parties.  No  doubt  it  is  a  pleas- 
ant occasion  for  the  gift — 

92 


Anttfvtrcarin 


"If  she,  by  merit  since  disclosed, 
Proved  twice  the  woman  I  supposed," 

there  is  no  doubt  that  she  deserves  another  ring. 

The  gifts  of  gold  must  be  somewhat  circumscribed, 
and  therefore  the  injunction,  so  severe  and  so  unalter- 
able, which  holds  good  at  tin  and  silver  weddings, 
that  no  presents  must  be  given  of  any  other  metal 
than  that  designated  by  the  day,  does  not  hold  good 
at  a  golden  wedding.  Here  it  is  sufficient  to  observe 
the  color  —  as,  for  instance,  a  poem  dedicated  to  the 
bride  and  groom,  and  written  in  golden  letters,  with 
a  border  of  buttercups  or  yellow  cowslips  delicately 
painted.  A  card  printed  in  gold  letters,  announcing 
that  John  Anderson  and  Mary  Brown  were  married,  for 
instance,  in  1857,  and  will  celebrate  their  golden  wed- 
ding in  1907,  is  generally  the  only  golden  manifestation. 
One  of  the  cards  recently  issued  reads  in  this  way: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Anderson 

At  Home,  November  twenty-first 

nineteen  hundred  and  seven 

Golden  Wedding 

if  Carmichael  Street 

at  eight  o'clock 

All  done  in  gold,  on  white,  thick  English  paper,  that 
is  nearly  all  the  exhibition  of  gold  necessary  at  a 
golden  wedding,  unless  some  friend  gives  the  aged 
bride  a  present  of  jewelry. 

Among  very  rich  people,  this  occasion  sometimes 
gives  rise  to  the  display  of  great  magnificence. 

93 


anib  Mortal 


At  the  golden  wedding  of  one  of  the  Rothschilds 
we  read  of  such  presents  as  a  solid  gold  dinner  ser- 
vice; a  chased  cup  of  Benvenuto  Cellini  in  solid  gold 
enriched  with  precious  stones;  a  box,  with  cover  of 
gold,  in  the  early  Renaissance,  with  head  of  Marie 
de  Medicis  in  oxidized  gold;  of  rings  from  Cyprus, 
containing  sapphires  from  the  tombs  of  the  Crusaders, 
of  solid  crystals  cut  in  drinking-cups,  with  handles  of 
gold;  of  jade  goblets  set  in  gold  saucers;  of  sing- 
ing-birds in  gold;  and  of  toilet  appliances,  all  in  solid 
gold,  not  to  speak  of  chains,  rings,  etc.  This  is  luxury, 
and  there  are  few  persons  who  can  afford  it.  But  it 
must  entail  great  inconvenience.  Gold  is  so  valuable 
that  a  small  piece  of  it  goes  a  great  way,  and  even  a 
Rothschild  would  not  like  to  leave  out  a  gold  dress- 
ing-case lest  it  might  tempt  the  most  honest  of  wait- 
ing-women. 

No  doubt  some  of  our  millionaire  Americans  can 
afford  such  golden  wedding-presents,  but  of  course 
they  are  rare,  and  even  if  common  would  be  less  in 
keeping  than  some  less  magnificent  gifts.  Our  re- 
publican simplicity  would  be  outraged  and  shocked 
at  seeing  so  much  coin  of  the  realm  kept  out  of  cir- 
culation. 

There  are,  however,  should  we  wish  to  make  a  pres- 
ent to  a  bride  of  fifty  years'  standing,  many  charming 
bits  of  gold  jewelry  very  becoming,  very  artistic,  and 
not  too  expensive  for  a  moderate  purse.  There  are 
the  delicate  productions  of  Castellani,  the  gold  and 
enamel  of  Venice,  the  gold-work  of  several  different 

94 


Anninrrsartrs 


colors  which  has  become  so  artistic;  there  are  the 
modern  antiques,  copied  from  the  Phoenician  jewelry 
found  at  Cyprus — these  made  into  pins  for  the  cap, 
pendants  for  the  neck,  rings  and  bracelets,  boxes  for 
the  holding  of  small  sweetmeats,  so  fashionable  many 
years  ago,  are  pretty  presents  for  an  elderly  lady. 
For  a  gentleman  it  is  more  difficult  to  find  souvenirs. 
We  must  acknowledge  that  it  is  always  difficult  to 
select  a  present  for  a  gentleman.  Unless  he  has  as 
many  feet  as  Briareus  had  hands,  or  unless  he  is  a 
centipede,  he  cannot  wear  all  the  slippers  given  to 
him;  and  the  shirt-studs  and  sleeve-buttons  are  equal- 
ly burdensome.  Rings  are  now  fortunately  in  fashion, 
and  can  be  as  expensive  as  one  pleases.  But  one  al- 
most regrets  the  disuse  of  snuff,  as  that  gave  occa- 
sion for  many  beautiful  boxes.  It  would  be  difficult 
to  find,  however,  such  gold  snuffboxes  as  were  once 
handed  round  among  monarchs  and  among  wealthy 
snuffers. 

The  bride  of  fifty  years'  standing  receives  her  children 
and  grandchildren  dressed  in  some  article  which  she 
wore  at  her  first  wedding,  if  any  remain.  Sometimes 
a  veil,  or  a  handkerchief,  or  a  fan,  scarcely  ever  the 
whole  dress  has  lasted  fifty  years,  and  she  holds  a 
bouquet  of  white  flowers.  A  wedding-cake  is  prepared 
with  a  ring  in  it,  and  on  the  frosting  is  the  date,  and 
the  monogram  of  the  two,  who  have  lived  together 
so  long. 

These  golden  weddings  are  apt  to  be  sad.  It  is 
not  well  for  the  old  to  keep  anniversaries — too  many 
7  95 


anh  Mortal 


2HgH|HSHiHiHgHg^^ 

ghosts  come  to  the  feast.  Still,  if  people  are  happy 
enough  to  wish  to  do  so,  there  can  be  no  harm  in  it. 
Their  surroundings  may  possibly  surpass  their  fond- 
est dreams,  but  as  it  regards  themselves,  the  contrast 
is  painful.  They  have  little  in  common  with  bridal 
joys,  and  unless  it  is  the  wish  of  some  irrepressible 
descendant,  few  old  couples  care  to  celebrate  the 
golden  wedding  save  in  their  hearts.  If  they  have 
started  at  the  foot  of  the  ladder,  and  have  risen,  they 
may  not  wish  to  remember  their  early  struggles;  if 
they  have  started  high,  and  have  gradually  sunk  into 
poverty  or  ill-health,  they  certainly  do  not  wish  to 
photograph  those  better  days  by  the  fierce  light  of 
an  anniversary.  It  is  only  the  very  exceptionally 
good',  happy,  and  serene  people  who  can  afford  to 
celebrate  a  golden  wedding. 

Far  otherwise  with  the  silver  wedding,  which  comes 
in  this  country  while  people  are  still  young,  in  the 
very  prime  of  life,  with  much  before  them,  and  when 
to  stop  midway  to  take  an  account  of  one's  friends 
and  one's  blessings  is  a  wise  and  a  pleasant  thing. 
The  cards  are  on  plain  white  or  silver-gray  paper, 
printed  in  silver,  somewhat  in  this  style: 

1882  1907 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Carter 

request  the  pleasure  of  --  's  company 

on  Wednesday,  October  the  twenty-seventh 

at  eight  o'clock 

Silver  Wedding 

John  Carter  Sarah  Smith 


Anntormrt*! 


$HgHJHgHgMJHSHiH|HJMH^^ 

Such,  at  least,  is  one  form.  Many  people  do  not, 
however,  add  their  names  at  the  end;  while,  again, 
some  go  even  further,  and  transcribe  the  marriage 
notice  from  the  newspaper  of  the  period.  The  "At 
Home"  form  is  also  used,  and  the  invitation  may  con- 
tain no  reference  to  the  Silver  Wedding,  if  this  is  pre- 
ferred. 

A  very  sensible  reform  has  been  made  in  the  matter 
of  this  anniversary.  It  was  once  a  demand  on  the 
purse  of  at  least  fifty  dollars  to  receive  an  invitation 
to  a  silver  wedding,  because  every  one  was  expected 
to  send  a  piece  of  silver.  Some  very  rich  houses  in 
New  York  are  stocked  with  silver  with  the  elaborate 
inscription,  "Silver  Wedding."  To  the  cards  of  to- 
day is  often  appended,  "No  presents  accepted,"  which 
is  a  relief  to  the  impecunious. 

The  entertainment  for  a  silver  wedding,  to  be  per- 
fect, should  occur  at  exactly  the  hour  at  which  the 
marriage  took  place;  but  as  that  has  been  found  to  be 
inconvenient,  the  marriage  hour  is  ignored,  and  the 
party  takes  place  in  the  evening  generally,  and  with 
all  the  characteristics  of  a  modern  reception.  The 
"bridal  pair"  stand  together,  of  course,  to  receive, 
and  as  many  of  the  original  party  of  the  groomsmen 
and  bridesmaids  as  can  be  got  together  should  be  in- 
duced to  form  a  part  of  the  group.  The  collation  may 
include  the  historic  cake,  and  the  bride  puts  the  knife 
into  it  as  she  did  twenty -five  years  ago.  The  ring  is 
eagerly  sought  for. 

The  twenty-five-year-old  bride  should  cut  a  few 
97 


attfr  Mortal 


*"JHg"§"|H*HSHSH|H|H^^ 

pieces,  then  leave  others  to  pass  it;  it  is  a  day  on 
which  she  should  be  waited  upon. 

A  large  and  plentiful  repast  is  offered,  exactly  like 
that  of  any  reception-table.  Champagne  is  in  order, 
healths  are  drunk,  and  speeches  made  at  many  of  these 
silver  weddings. 

Particularly  delightful  are  such  anniversaries  when 
they  are  celebrated  in  the  country,  especially  if  the 
house  is  large  enough  to  hold  a  number  of  guests. 
Then  many  a  custom  of  peculiar  significance  and 
friendliness  can  be  observed  ;  everybody  can  help  to 
prepare  the  feast,  decorate  the  house  with  flowers,  and 
save  the  bride  from  those  tearful  moments  which 
come  with  any  retrospect.  All  should  try  to  make 
the  scene  a  merry  one,  for  there  is  no  other  reason 
for  its  celebration. 

There  can  be  no  objection  to  the  sending  of  flowers, 
and  particular  friends  who  wish  can,  of  course,  send 
other  gifts,  but  there  should  be  no  obligation.  We 
may  say  here  that  the  custom  of  giving  bridal  gifts 
has  become  an  outrageous  abuse  of  a  good  idea.  From 
being  a  pretty  and  thoughtful  custom,  it  has  now 
degenerated  into  a  form  of  ostentation,  and  is  a  great 
tax  on  the  friends  of  the  bride.  People  in  certain 
relations  to  the  family  are  even  expected  to  send  cer- 
tain gifts.  It  has  been  known  to  be  the  case  that  the 
bride  allowed  some  officious  friend  to  suggest  that  she 
should  have  silver  or  pearls  or  diamonds;  and  a  rich 
old  bachelor  uncle  is  sure  to  be  told  what  is  expected 
from  him.  But  when  a  couple  have  reached  their  sil- 

98 


<JHS*§HgHgH|KiHSK|Ki*^^ 

ver  wedding,  and  are  able  and  willing  to  celebrate  it, 
it  may  be  supposed  that  they  are  beyond  the  necessity 
of  appealing  to  the  generosity  of  their  friends;  there- 
fore it  is  a  good  custom  to  have  this  phrase  added  to 
the  silver- wedding  invitation,  "No  presents  received." 

The  question  has  been  asked  if  the  ceremony  should 
be  performed  over  again.  We  should  say  decidedly 
not,  for  great  danger  has  accrued  to  thoughtless  per- 
sons in  thus  tampering  with  the  wedding  ceremony. 
Any  one  who  has  read  Mrs.  Oliphant's  beautiful  story 
of  Madonna  Mary  will  be  struck  at  once  with  this 
danger.  It  is  not  safe,  even  in  the  most  playful  man- 
ner, to  imitate  that  legal  form  on  which  all  society, 
property,  legitimacy,  and  the  safety  of  the  home  hang. 

We  hear  of  gorgeous  silver  weddings  in  California, 
that  land  of  gold  and  silver,  where  the  display  of  toi- 
lettes each  represented  a  large  fortune.  But,  after  all, 
the  sentiment  is  the  thing. 

"As  when,  amid  the  rites  divine, 
I  took  thy  troth,  and  plighted  mine 
To  thee,  sweet  wife,  my  second  ring, 
A  token  and  a  pledge  I  bring. 
This  ring  shall  wed,  till  death  us  part, 
Thy  riper  virtues  to  my  heart — 
Those  virtues  which,  before  untried, 
The  wife  has  added  to  the  bride." 

Now  as  to  the  dress  of  the  bride  of  twenty-five  years, 
we  should  say,  "Any  color  but  black."  There  is  an 
old  superstition  against  connecting  black  with  wed- 

99 


fHamtrrs  anil  Mortal 


dings.  A  silver  -gray,  trimmed  with  steel  and  lace, 
has  lately  been  used  with  much  success  as  a  second 
bridal  dress.  Still  less  should  the  dress  be  white;  that 
has  become  so  canonized  as  the  wedding-dress  of  a 
virgin  bride  that  it  is  not  even  proper  for  a  widow 
to  wear  it  on  her  second  marriage.  The  shades  of 
rose-color,  crimson,  or  those  beautiful  modern  com- 
binations of  velvet  and  brocade  which  suit  so  many 
matronly  women,  are  all  appropriate  silver-wedding 


Ladies  should  not  wear  jewelry  in  the  morning, 
particularly  at  their  own  houses;  so  if  the  wedding  is 
celebrated  in  the  morning,  the  hostess  should  take 
care  not  to  be  too  splendid. 

Evening  weddings  are,  in  these  anniversaries,  far 
more  agreeable,  and  can  be  celebrated  with  more 
elaborate  dressing.  It  is  now  so  much  the  fashion 
to  wear  low-necked  dresses  that  the  bride  of  twenty- 
five  years  can  appear,  if  she  chooses,  in  a  low-cut, 
short-sleeve  dinner  -  dress,  and  diamonds  in  the  even- 
ing. As  for  the  groom,  he  should  be  in  full  even- 
ing dress,  immaculate  white  tie,  and  pearl-colored  kid 
gloves.  He  plays,  as  he  does  at  the  wedding,  but 
a  secondary  part.  Indeed,  it  has  been  jocosely  said, 
that  he  sometimes  poses  as  a  victim.  In  savage 
communities  and  among  the  birds  it  is  the  male  who 
wears  the  fine  clothes;  in  Christian  society  it  is  the 
male  who  dresses  in  black,  putting  the  fine  feathers 
on  his  wife.  It  is  to  her  that  all  the  honors  are  paid, 
he  playing  for  the  time  but  a  secondary  part.  In 

100 


savage  communities  she  would  dig  the  earth,  wait 
upon  her  lord,  and  stand  behind  him  while  he  eats; 
in  the  modern  silver  wedding  he  helps  her  to  creamed 
oysters  and  champagne,  and  stands  while  she  sits. 

Now  as  to  who  shall  be  invited.  A  correspondent 
writes  asking  if  a  silver  wedding  celebrated  in  a  new 
home  would  not  be  a  good  opportunity  for  making  the 
"first  onset  of  hospitality,"  inviting  those  neighbors 
who  were  not  known  before,  or  at  least  who  were  not 
visiting  acquaintances.  We  should  think  it  a  very 
happy  idea.  It  is  a  compliment  to  ask  one's  friends 
and  neighbors  to  any  ceremony  or  anniversary  in  which 
one's  own  deep  feelings  are  concerned,  such  as  a  christ- 
ening, a  child's  wedding,  and  the  celebration  of  a  birth- 
day. Why  not  still  more  when  a  married  pair  have 
weathered  the  storms  of  twenty-five  years?  People 
fully  aware  of  their  own  respectability  should  never 
be  afraid  to  bow  first,  speak  first,  or  call  first.  Courtesy 
is  the  most  cosmopolitan  of  good  qualities,  and  polite- 
ness is  one  of  the  seven  cardinal  virtues.  No  people 
giving  such  an  invitation  need  be  hurt  if  it  is  received 
coldly.  They  only  thus  find  out  which  of  their  new 
neighbors  are  the  most  worth  cultivating.  This  sort  of 
courtesy  is  as  far  as  possible  from  the  dreadful  word 
"pushing."  As  dress  was  made  to  dignify  the  human 
body,  so  a  generous  courtesy  clothes  the  mind.  Let 
no  one  be  afraid  of  draping  the  spirit  with  this  purple 
and  gold. 

And  in  all  fresh  neighborhoods  the  new-comers 
should  try  to  cultivate  society.  There  is  something 

101 


anb  Social  Usages 


SHgKiHiH$H%H^^ 

in  its  attrition  which  stimulates  the  mind.  Society 
brightens  up  the  wits  and  causes  the  dullest  mind  to 
bring  its  treasures  to  the  surface. 

The  most  graceful  silver-wedding  custom  is  for  the 
bride  and  bridegroom  to  receive  the  greetings  of  their 
friends  at  first  formally,  then  to  leave  the  marriage 
bell  or  canopy  of  flowers  and  to  go  about  among  the 
company,  becoming  again  host  and  hostess.  They 
should  spare  their  children,  friends,  and  themselves 
tears  and  sad  recollections.  Some  opulent  brides  and 
bridegrooms  make  it  a  silver  wedding  indeed  by  send- 
ing substantial  presents  to  those  who  started  in  life 
with  them  but  have  been  less  fortunate  than  them- 
selves. 

Tin  weddings,  which  occur  after  ten  years  have 
passed  over  two  married  heads,  are  signals  for  a  gen- 
eral frolic.  Not  only  are  the  usual  tin  utensils  which 
can  be  used  for  the  kitchen  and  household  purposes 
offered,  but  fantastic  designs  and  ornaments  are  got- 
ten up  for  the  purpose  of  raising  a  laugh.  One  young 
bride  received  a  handsome  check  from  her  father-in- 
law,  who  labelled  it  "Tin,"  and  sent  it  to  her  in  a  tin 
pocket-book  elaborately  constructed  for  the  purpose. 
One  very  pretty  tin  fender  was  constructed  for  the 
fireplace  of  another,  and  was  not  so  ugly.  A  tin 
screen,  tin  chandeliers,  tin  fans,  and  tin  tables  have 
been  offered.  If  these  serve  no  other  purpose,  they 
do  admirably  for  theatrical  properties  later,  if  the 
family  like  private  plays,  etc.,  at  home. 

Wooden  weddings  occur  after  five  years  of  mar- 

102 


riage,  and  afford  the  bride  much  refurnishing  of  the 
kitchen,  and  nowadays  some  beautiful  presents  of 
wood-carving.  The  wooden  wedding,  which  was  be- 
gun in  jest  with  a  step-ladder  and  a  rolling-pin  several 
years  ago,  now  threatens  to  become  a  very  splendid 
anniversary  indeed,  since  the  art  of  carving  in  w>od 
is  so  popular,  and  so  much  practised  by  men  and 
women.  Every  one  is  ready  for  a  carved  box,  picture- 
frame,  screen,  sideboard,  chair,  bureau,  dressing-table, 
crib,  or  bedstead.  Let  no  one  be  afraid  to  offer  a  bit 
of  wood  artistically  carved.  Everything  is  in  order 
but  wooden  nutmegs ;  they  are  ruled  out. 

Presents  at  once  unique  and  appropriate  for  a  wooden 
wedding  seem  to  be  very  cheap.  Cedar  tubs  and 
bowls  and  pails,  wooden  baskets  filled  with  flowers, 
Shaker  rocking  -  chairs  and  seats  for  the  veranda, 
cabinets  of  oak,  wall  brackets,  paintings  on  wood, 
water-colors  framed  in  wood-carvings  in  bog  oak,  and 
even  a  load  of  kindling  wood,  have  been  acceptably 
offered.  The  bride  can  dress  as  gayly  as  she  pleases 
at  this  early  anniversary. 


CHAPTER   XI 


LUNCHEONS,    FORMAL   AND    SOCIAL 

E  informal  lunch  is  perhaps  less  understood 
in  this  country  than  in  any  other,  because  it 
is  rarely  necessary.  In  the  country  it  is 
called  early  dinner,  children's  dinner,  or  la- 
dies' dinner;  in  the  city,  when  the  gentlemen 
are  all  down -town,  then  blossoms  out  the 
elaborate  ladies'  lunch,  which  has  all  the  formality 
of  a  dinner. 

But  in  England,  at  a  country  house,  and  indeed  in 
London,  luncheon  is  a  recognized  and  very  delightful 
meal,  at  which  the  most  distinguished  men  and  wom- 
en meet  over  a  joint  and  a  cherry  tart,  and  talk  and 
laugh  for  an  hour  without  the  restraint  of  the  late  and 
formal  dinner. 

It  occupies  a  prominent  place  in  the  history  of 
hospitality,  and  Lord  Houghton,  among  others,  was 
famous  for  his  unceremonious  lunches.  As  it  is  un- 
derstood to  be  an  informal  meal,  the  invitations  are 
generally  sent  only  a  short  time  before  the  day  for 
which  the  recipient  is  invited,  and  are  written  in  the 
first  person.  Lord  Houghton 's  were  apt  to  be  simply, 
4 '  Come  and  lunch  with  me  to-morrow. ' '  At  our  prom- 

104 


gttttri?*0tt0,  JFurmal  anil  Mortal 

JJKJHJHSHiHtHSHiHfriMiHi^^ 

inent  places  of  summer  resort,  ladies  who  have  houses 
of  their  own  generally  give  their  male  friends  a  carte- 
blanche  invitation  to  luncheon.  They  are  expected 
to  avail  themselves  of  it  without  ceremony,  and  at 
Newport  the  table  is  always  laid  with  the  "extra 
knife  and  fork,"  or  two  or  three,  as  may  be  thought 
necessary.  Ladies,  however,  should  be  definitely  asked 
to  this  meal  as  to  others. 

It  is  a  very  convenient  meal,  as  it  permits  of  an 
irregular  number,  of  a  superfluity  of  ladies  or  gentle- 
men ;  it  is  chatty  and  easy,  and  is  neither  troublesome 
nor  expensive. 

The  hour  of  luncheon  is  stated,  but  severe  punct- 
uality is  not  insisted  upon.  A  guest  who  is  told  that 
he  may  drop  in  at  half -past  one  o'clock  every  day  will 
be  forgiven  if  he  comes  a  little  late. 

Ladies  may  come  in  their  hats,  gentlemen  in  lawn- 
tennis  suits,  if  they  wish.  It  is  incumbent  upon  the 
hostess,  but  not  upon  the  host,  to  be  present.  It  is  quite 
immaterial  where  the  guests  sit,  and  they  go  in  sepa- 
rately, not  arm  in  arm. 

According  to  present  fashion,  linen  or  lace  doilies 
placed  under  each  dish  and  plate  are  often  used,  in- 
stead of  the  conventional  white  table-cloth.  The  lat- 
ter, however,  is  preferred  by  many  people  and  is  al- 
ways in  order. 

The  most  convenient  and  easy-going  luncheons  are 
served  from  the  buffet  or  side-table,  and  the  guests 
help  themselves  to  cold  ham,  tongue,  roast  beef,  etc. 
The  fruit  and  wine  and  bread  should  be  on  the  table. 

I05 


and  Serial 


$H|HiHSH|HgHgH|HSHi^^ 

Each  chair  has  in  front  of  it  two  plates,  a  napkin, 
with  bread,  two  knives,  two  forks  and  spoons,  a  small 
salt-cellar,  and  two  or  three  glasses  —  a  tumbler  for 
water,  a  claret  glass,  or  a  sherry  glass,  or  both. 

Cold  bouillon  is  offered  in  summer,  but  not  often. 
If  served  well,  it  should  be  in  cups.  Dishes  of  dressed 
salad,  a  cold  fowl,  game,  or  hot  chops  can  be  put 
before  the  hostess  or  passed  by  the  servant.  Soup 
and  fish  are  never  offered  at  these  luncheons.  Some 
people  prefer  a  hot  lunch,  and  chops,  birds  on  toast, 
or  a  beefsteak,  and  mashed  potatoes,  asparagus,  or 
green  pease  are  suitable  dishes. 

It  is  proper  at  a  country  place  to  offer  a  full  lunch- 
eon, or  to  have  a  cold  joint  on  the  sideboard;  and 
after  the  more  serious  part  of  the  luncheon  has  been 
removed  the  hostess  can  dismiss  the  servants  and 
serve  the  ice-cream  or  tart  herself,  with  the  assistance 
of  her  guests.  Clean  plates,  knives,  and  forks  should 
be  in  readiness. 

In  England  a  "hot  joint"  is  always  served  from 
the  sideboard.  In  fact,  an  English  luncheon  is  ex- 
actly what  a  plain  American  dinner  was  formerly  —  & 
roast  of  mutton  or  beef,  a  few  vegetables,  a  tart,  some 
fruit,  and  a  glass  of  sherry.  But  we  have  changed 
the  practice  considerably,  and  now  our  luxurious  coun- 
try offers  nothing  plain. 

In  this  country  a  waitress  or  a  butler  generally  re- 
mains during  the  whole  meal,  and  serves  the  table  as 
he  would  at  dinner  —  only  with  less  ceremony.  Some 
authorities  say  that  it  is  perfectly  proper  at  luncheon 

106 


,  formal  att&  Mortal 


for  any  one  to  rise  and  help  himself  to  what  he  wishes. 
A  guest,  however,  would  not  think  of  doing  so,  except 
at  the  request  of  his  host. 

Tea  and  coffee  are  never  served  after  an  informal 
luncheon  in  the  drawing-room  or  dining-room.  Peo- 
ple are  not  expected  to  remain  long  after  this  meal,  as 
the  lady  of  the  house  may  have  engagements  for  the 
afternoon. 

In  many  houses  the  butler  arranges  the  luncheon- 
table  with  flowers  or  fruit,  plates  of  thin  bread-and- 
butter,  jellies,  creams,  cakes,  and  preserves,  a  dish  of 
cold  salmon  mayonnaise,  and  decanters  of  sherry  and 
claret.  He  places  a  cold  ham  or  chicken  on  the  side- 
board, and  a  pitcher  of  ice-  water  on  a  side-table,  and 
then  leaves  the  dining-room,  and  takes  no  heed  of  the 
baser  wants  of  humanity  until  dinner-time.  An  un- 
derman  or  footman  takes  the  place  of  this  lofty  being, 
and  waits  at  table. 

In  more  modest  houses,  where  there  is  only  a 
maid-servant,  all  arrangements  for  the  luncheon  and 
for  expected  guests  should  be  made  immediately  after 
breakfast. 

If  the  children  dine  with  the  family  at  luncheon, 
it,  of  course,  becomes  an  important  meal,  and  should 
include  one  hot  dish  and  a  simple  dessert. 

It  is  well  for  people  living  in  the  country,  and  with 
a  certain  degree  of  style,  to  study  up  the  methods  of 
making  salads  and  cold  dishes,  for  these  come  in  so 
admirably  for  luncheon  that  they  often  save  a  hostess 
great  mortification.  By  attention  to  small  details  a 

107 


attfr  Mortal  Haaggg 


#&**&M>^^ 

very  humble  repast  may  be  made  most  elegant.  A  sil- 
ver bread-basket  for  the  thin  slices  of  bread,  a  pretty 
cheese-dish,  a  napkin  around  the  cheese,  pats  of  but- 
ter in  a  pretty  dish,  flowers  in  vases,  fruits  neatly 
served  —  these  things  cost  little,  but  they  add  a  zest 
to  the  pleasures  of  the  table. 

If  a  hot  luncheon  is  served,  it  is  not  etiquette  to  put 
the  vegetables  on  the  table  any  more  than  it  would  be  at 
dinner;  they  should  be  handed  by  the  waitress.  The 
luncheon-table  is  already  full  of  the  articles  for  dessert, 
and  there  is  no  place  for  the  vegetables.  The  hot  entrees 
or  cold  entrees  are  placed  before  the  master  or  mistress 
and  each  guest  is  asked  what  he  prefers.  The  whole 
aspect  of  luncheon  is  thus  made  perfectly  informal. 

If  a  lady  gives  a  more  formal  lunch,  and  has  it 
served  a  la  Russe,  the  first  entree  —  let  us  say  chops 
and  green  pease  —  is  handed  by  the  waitress,  commenc- 
ing with  the  lady  who  sits  on  the  right  hand  of  the 
master  of  the  house.  This  is  followed  by  vegetables. 
Plates  having  been  renewed,  a  salad  and  some  cold 
chicken  or  ham  can  be  offered.  The  servant  fills  the 
glasses  with  sherry  or  offers  claret.  When  champagne 
is  served  at  lunch,  it  is  immediately  after  the  first  dish 
has  been  served,  and  claret  and  sherry  are  not  then 
given  unless  asked  for. 

After  the  salad  a  fresh  plate,  with  a  dessert-spoon 
and  small  fork,  is  placed  before  each  person.  It  is 
now  thought  more  elegant  not  to  put  these  on  the  plate 
but  to  lay  them  at  each  place.  The  ice-cream,  pie, 
or  pudding  is  then  placed  in  front  of  the  hostess,  who 

108 


Uunrljrmts,  Jfarmal  ani  Mortal 


cuts  it,  and  puts  a  portion  on  each  plate.  After  these 
dainties  have  been  discussed,  a  glass  plate,  ornamental 
doily,  and  finger-bowl  are  placed  before  each  guest 
for  fruit.  The  servant  takes  the  plate  from  his  mis- 
tress after  she  has  filled  it,  and  hands  it  to  the  lady  of 
first  consideration,  and  so  on.  When  only  members  of 
the  family  are  present  at  luncheon,  the  mistress  of  the 
house  is  helped  first  by  the  servants. 

Fruit  tarts,  pudding,  sweet  omelette,  jellies,  blanc- 
mange, and  ice-cream  are  proper  desserts  for  luncheon, 
also  luncheon  cake  or  the  plainer  sorts  of  loaf-cake. 

The  formal  lunch  for  ladies  reached  such  a  pitch  of 
extravagance  a  few  years  ago  that  there  has  been  a 
reaction  in  favor  of  a  less  elaborate  and  therefore  more 
wholesome  bill  of  fare.  One  does  not  now  see  lunch- 
eons of  fifteen  or  twenty  courses.  Those  who  frequently 
entertain  guests  at  lunch  have  set  a  good  example  of 
elegant  simplicity.  The  one  important  requisite  is  a 
good  cook. 

For  a  formal  lunch,  grape-fruit  often  constitutes  the 
first  course,  followed  by  clam  or  chicken  broth  or 
bouillon  served  in  cups.  If  fish  is  served,  it  comes  next, 
then  an  entree  —  chicken,  mushrooms,  or  sweetbreads  — 
followed  by  chops  with  French  pease  or  string  beans,  or 
fillet  of  beef.  Salad  with  or  without  birds  is  next  in 
order,  succeeded  by  the  usual  sweet  dishes  —  ices,  bon- 
bons, fruit,  and  coffee,  which  is  now  served  in  the 
drawing-room,  if  the  hostess  chooses,  the  old  rule 
being  that  it  must  be  served  at  table  at  luncheon. 
A  lunch  of  this  sort  may  or  may  not  include  wine. 

109 


attfr  Mortal 


«8"§"|HSH$HSH|HSHiHi^^ 

The  ices  are  handed  by  the  attendant,  after  they  have 
been  cut  in  slices,  so  that  the  guests  can  help  them- 
selves without  difficulty.  If  the  mid-day  meal  is  called 
a  breakfast,  eggs  in  some  form  are  usually  served.  . 

It  is  well  in  all  households,  if  possible,  for  the  chil- 
dren to  breakfast  and  lunch  with  their  parents.  The 
teaching  of  table  manners  cannot  be  begun  too  soon. 
But  children  should  never  be  allowed  to  trouble  guests. 
If  the  little  people  are  not  old  enough  to  behave  well 
at  table,  guests  should  not  be  invited  to  the  meals  at 
which  they  are  present.  It  is  very  trying  to  parents, 
guests,  and  servants. 

When  luncheon  is  to  be  an  agreeable  social  repast, 
which  guests  are  expected  to  share,  then  the  children 
should  dine  elsewhere.  No  mother  succeeds  better  in 
the  rearing  of  her  children  than  she  who  has  a  nursery 
dining-room,  where,  under  her  own  eye,  her  bantlings 
are  properly  fed.  It  is  not  so  much  trouble,  either,  as 
one  would  think  —  and  no  matter  if  it  is  trouble. 

Table  mats  are  no  longer  used  in  stylish  houses 
either  at  luncheon  or  at  dinner.  The  waitress  should 
have  a  coarse  towel  in  the  butler's  pantry,  and  wipe 
each  dish  before  she  puts  it  on  the  table. 

Menu-cards  are  not  often  used  at  luncheon,  and  favors 
are  no  longer  in  fashion.  A  sprig  of  sweet-scented 
verbena  or  geranium  may  be  placed  in  the  finger-bowl 
—  a  rose  or  some  single  flower  beside  each  plate. 

In  our  country,  where  servants  run  away  and  leave 
their  mistress  when  she  is  expecting  guests,  it  is  well  to 
be  able  to  improvise  a  dish  from  such  materials  as  may 

no 


,  formal  att& 


be  at  hand.  Nothing  is  better  than  a  cod  mayonnaise. 
A  cod  boiled  in  the  morning  is  a  friend  in  the  after- 
noon. When  it  is  cold  remove  the  skin  and  bones. 
For  sauce  put  some  thick  cream  in  a  porcelain  sauce- 
pan, and  thicken  it  with  corn-flour  which  has  been 
mixed  with  cold  water.  When  it  begins  to  boil,  stir 
in  the  beaten  yolks  of  two  eggs.  As  it  cools,  beat  it 
well  to  prevent  it  from  becoming  lumpy,  and  when 
nearly  cold,  stir  in  the  juice  of  two  lemons,  a  little 
tarragon  vinegar,  a  pinch  of  salt,  and  a  dash  of  Cayenne 
pepper.  Peel  and  slice  some  very  ripe  tomatoes  or 
cold  potatoes;  steep  them  in  vinegar,  with  Cayenne, 
powdered  ginger,  and  plenty  of  salt;  lay  these  around 
the  fish,  and  cover  with  the  cream  sauce.  This  makes 
a  very  elegant  cold  dish  for  luncheon.  The  tomatoes 
or  potatoes  should  be  taken  out  of  the  vinegar  and 
carefully  drained  before  they  are  placed  around  the  fish. 

Some  giblets  carefully  saved  from  the  ducks,  geese, 
or  chickens  of  yesterday's  dinner  should  be  stewed  in 
good  beef  stock  and  then  set  away  to  cool.  Put  them 
in  a  stewpan  with  dried  split  pease,  and  boil  them 
until  they  are  reduced  to  pulp;  serve  this  mixture 
hot  on  toast,  and,  if  properly  flavored  with  salt  and 
pepper,  you  have  a  good  luncheon  dish. 

Vegetable  salads  of  beet-root,  potatoes,  and  lettuce 
are  always  delicious,  and  the  careful  housewife  who 
rises  early  in  the  morning  and  provides  a  round  of 
cold  corned  beef,  plenty  of  bread,  and  a  luncheon  cake 
need  not  regret  the  ephemeral  cook  or  fear  the  coming 
city  guest. 
8  in 


atift  Mortal 


^ 

Every  country  housewife  should  learn  to  garnish 
dishes  with  capers,  a  border  of  water-cresses,  plain 
parsley,  or  vegetables  cut  into  fancy  forms. 

Potatoes,  eggs,  and  cold  hashed  meats,  in  their  un- 
adorned simplicity,  do  not  come  under  the  head  of 
luxuries.  But  if  the  hashed  meat  is  carefully  wanned, 
well  flavored,  and  put  on  toast,  if  the  potatoes  are 
chopped,  browned,  and  put  around  the  meat,  if  the 
eggs  are  boiled,  sliced,  and  laid  around  as  a  garnish, 
and  a  few  capers  and  a  border  of  parsley  added,  you 
have  a  Delmonico  ragout  that  Brillat-Savarin  would 
have  enjoyed. 


CHAPTER  XII 


THE    MODERN    DINNER-TABLE 

HE  appointments  of  the  modern  dinner-table 
strikingly  indicate  that  growth  of  luxury  of 
which  the  immediate  past  has  been  so  fruit- 
ful. Up  to  thirty  years  ago  a  dinner,  even 
in  the  house  of  a  merchant  prince,  was  a 
plain  affair.  There  was  a  white  table-cloth 
of  double  damask;  there  were  large,  handsome  nap- 
kins; there  was  a  rich  service  of  solid  silver,  and 
perhaps  some  good  china.  Flowers,  if  used  at  all, 
were  not  in  profusion;  and  as  for  glasses,  only  a  few 
of  plain  white,  or  perhaps  a  green  or  a  red  one  for 
claret  or  hock,  were  placed  at  the  side  of  the  plate. 

Of  course  there  were  variations  and  exceptions  to 
this  rule,  but  they  were  few  and  far  between.  One 
man,  or  often  one  maid-servant,  waited  at  the  table; 
and,  as  a  protection  for  the  table-cloths,  mats  were 
used,  implying  the  fear  that  the  dish  brought  from 
the  top  of  the  kitchen-range,  if  set  down,  would  leave 
a  spot  or  stain.  All  was  on  a  simple  or  economical 
plan.  The  grand  dinners  were  served  by  caterers, 
who  sent  their  men  to  wait  at  them,  which  led  to  the 
remark,  often  laughed  at  as  showing  English  stupid- 


9arf*tl 


ity,  made  by  the  Marquis  of  Hartington  when  he  visited 
New  York  at  the  time  of  our  Civil  War.  As  he  looked 
at  old  Peter  Van  Dyck  and  his  colored  assistants,  whom 
he  had  seen  at  every  house  at  which  he  had  dined,  he 
remarked,  "How  much  all  your  servants  resemble 
each  other  in  America!"  It  was  really  an  uninten- 
tional sarcasm,  but  it  might  well  have  suggested  to 
our  nouveaux  riches  the  propriety  of  having  their  own 
trained  servants  to  do  the  work  of  their  houses  instead 
of  these  outside  men. 

A  mistress  of  a  house  should  be  capable  of  teach- 
ing her  servants  the  method  of  laying  a  table  and 
attending  it,  if  she  has  to  take,  as  we  commonly 
must,  the  uneducated  and  simple  Irishwoman,  or  an 
untrained  peasant  from  some  country  of  Continental 
Europe,  as  a  house-servant.  If  she  employs  the  ac- 
complished and  well-recommended  foreign  servant,  he 
is  too  apt  to  disarrange  her  establishment  by  disparag- 
ing the  scale  on  which  it  is  conducted,  and  to  endanger 
a  spirit  of  discontent  in  her  household.  Servants  of  a 
very  high  class,  who  can  assume  the  entire  manage- 
ment of  affairs,  are  only  possible  to  people  of  great 
wealth,  and  they  become  tyrants,  and  often  wholly 
detestable  to  the  master  and  mistress  after  a  short 
slavery.  One  New  York  butler  lately  refused  to  wash 
dishes,  telling  his  mistress  that  it  would  ruin  his  finger- 
nails. But  this  man  was  a  consummate  servant,  who 
laid  the  table  and  attended  it  with  an  ease  and  grace 
that  gave  his  mistress  the  pleasant  feeling  of  certainty 
that  all  would  go  well,  which  is  the  most  comfortable 

114 


of  all  feelings  to  a  hostess,  and  without  which  dinner- 
giving  is  an  annoyance  beyond  all  words. 

The  arrangement  of  a  dinner-table  and  the  waiting 
upon  it  are  the  most  important  of  all  the  duties  of  a 
servant  or  servants,  and  any  betrayal  of  ignorance, 
any  nervousness  or  noise,  any  accident,  is  to  be  de- 
plored, showing  as  it  does  want  of  experience  and  lack 
of  training. 

No  one  wishes  to  invite  his  friends  to  be  uncom- 
fortable. Those  dreadful  dinners  which  Thackeray  de- 
scribes, at  which  people  with  small  incomes  tried  to 
rival  those  of  large  means,  will  forever  remain  in  the 
minds  of  his  readers  as  among  the  most  painful  of  all 
revelations  of  sham.  We  should  be  real  first  and 
ornamental  afterwards. 

In  a  wealthy  family  a  butler  and  two  footmen  are 
employed,  and  it  is  their  duty  to  work  together  in 
harmony,  the  butler  having  control.  The  two  foot- 
men lay  the  table,  the  butler  looking  on  to  see  that  it 
is  properly  done.  The  butler  takes  care  of  the  wine, 
and  stands  behind  his  mistress's  chair.  Where  only 
one  man  is  employed,  the  whole  duty  devolves  upon 
him,  and  he  has  generally  the  assistance  of  the  parlor- 
maid. Where  there  is  only  a  maid-servant,  unless  she 
is  an  accomplished  butler- waitress,  the  mistress  of  the 
house  must  see  that  all  necessary  arrangements  are 
made. 

The  introduction  of  the  extension-table  into  our 
long,  narrow  dining-rooms  led  to  the  expulsion  of  the 
pretty  round-table,  which  is  of  all  others  the  most 


anil  Mortal 


cheerful.  This  has  been  in  a  measure  restored  to  public 
favor,  and  the  square  shape  is  also  used.  The  exten- 
sion-table, however,  is  almost  inevitable,  and  one  of  the 
ordinary  size,  with  two  leaves  added,  will  seat  twelve 
people.  The  public  caterers  say  that  every  additional 
leaf  gives  room  for  four  more  people,  but  the  hostess, 
in  order  to  avoid  crowding,  would  be  wise  if  she  tested 
this  with  her  dining-room  chairs.  New  York  dinner- 
parties are  often  crowded  —  sixteen  being  sometimes 
asked  when  the  table  will  only  accommodate  fourteen. 
This  is  a  mistake,  as  heat  and  crowding  should  be  avoid- 
ed. In  country  houses,  or  in  Philadelphia,  Boston, 
Washington,  and  other  cities  where  the  dining-rooms 
are  ordinarily  larger  than  those  in  New  York  houses,  the 
danger  of  crowding,  of  heat,  and  want  of  ventilation 
is  more  easily  avoided;  but  in  a  furnace-heated  room 
in  New  York  the  sufferings  of  the  diners-out  are  some- 
times terrible. 

The  arrangements  for  the  dinner,  whether  the  party 
be  ten  or  twenty,  should  be  the  same.  Much  has  been 
said  about  the  number  to  be  invited,  and  there  is  an 
old  saw  that  one  should  not  invite  "fewer  than  the 
Graces  nor  more  than  the  Muses."  This  partiality  to 
uneven  numbers  refers  to  the  difficulty  of  seating  a 
party  of  eight,  in  which  case,  if  the  host  and  hostess 
take  the  head  and  foot  of  the  table,  two  gentlemen  and 
two  ladies  will  come  together.  But  the  number  of  the 
Graces  being  three,  no  worse  number  than  that  could 
be  selected  for  a  dinner-party;  and  nine  would  be 
equally  uncomfortable  at  an  extension-table,  as  it 

116 


HOW    TO    FOLD    THE    DINNER    NAPKIN 


if 


\\\\ 


THE    ARRANGEMENT    OF    A    SINGLE    COVER 


would  be  necessary  to  seat  three  on  one  side  and  four 
on  the  other.  The  table  with  broad,  square  ends,  at 
which  two  or  three  persons  can  sit  comfortably,  renders 
the  seating  of  the  guests  an  easy  matter.  Ten  is  a 
good  number  for  a  small  dinner,  and  easy  to  manage. 
One  servant  can  wait  on  ten  people,  and  do  it  well, 
if  well-trained,  although  the  service  will  necessarily  be 
slow,  and  rapidity  is  now  thought  very  desirable. 
Twenty-four  people  often  sit  down  at  a  modern  dinner- 
table,  and  are  well  served  by  a  butler  and  two  men, 
though  some  luxurious  dinner-givers  have  a  man  be- 
hind each  chair.  This,  however,  is  ostentation. 

A  lady,  if  she  issue  invitations  for  a  dinner  of  ten 
or  twenty,  should  do  so  a  fortnight  in  advance. 

A  gentleman  is  never  invited  without  his  wife,  nor 
a  lady  without  her  husband,  unless  great  intimacy 
exists  between  the  parties,  and  the  sudden  need  of 
another  guest  makes  the  request  imperative. 

The  fashion  of  wearing  low-necked  dresses  at  dinner 
has  become  so  pronounced  that  moralists  are  prone  to 
issue  weekly  essays  against  this  revival  as  if  it  had 
never  been  done  before.  Our  virtuous  grandmothers 
would  be  astonished  to  hear  that  their  ball-dresses 
(never  cut  high)  were  so  immoral  and  indecent.  The 
fact  remains  that  a  sleeveless  gown,  cut  in  a  Pompa- 
dour form,  is  far  more  of  a  revelation  of  figure  than  a 
low-necked  dinner-dress  properly  made.  There  is  no 
line  of  the  figure  so  dear  to  the  artist  as  that  one  re- 
vealed from  the  nape  of  the  neck  to  the  shoulder.  A 
beautiful  back  is  the  delight  of  the  sculptor.  No  lady 

117 


Mortal 


^ 


who  understands  the  fine  art  of  dress  would  ever  have 
her  gown  cut  too  low;  it  is  ugly,  besides  being  im- 
modest. The  persons  who  bring  discredit  on  fash- 
ion are  those  who  misinterpret  it.  The  truly  artistic 
modiste  cuts  a  low-necked  dress  to  reveal  the  fine  lines 
of  the  back,  but  it  is  never  in  France  cut  too  low  in 
front.  The  excessive  heat  of  an  American  dining-room 
makes  this  dress  very  much  more  comfortable  than  the 
high  dresses  which  were  brought  in  many  years  ago 
because  a  princess  had  a  goitre  which  she  wished  to 
disguise. 

No  fulminations  against  fashion  have  ever  effected 
reforms.  We  must  take  fashion  as  we  find  it,  and 
strive  to  mould  dress  to  our  own  style,  not  slavishly 
adhering  to,  but  respectfully  following,  the  reigning 
mode. 

The  modern  married  belle  at  a  dinner  is  apt  to  be 
dressed  in  white,  with  much  chiffon  trimming,  with 
diamonds  on  her  neck  and  arms,  and  a  crown  on  her 
head,  which  is  not  republican,  and  a  pair  of  long 
gloves  drawn  up  to  her  shoulders. 

The  fine,  stately  fashion  of  wearing  feathers 
comes  in  and  out,  and  it  is  becoming  to  middle- 
aged  women.  It  gives  them  a  queenly  air.  Young 
girls  look  better  for  the  simplest  head  -gear;  they 
wear  their  hair  high  or  low  as  they  consider  be- 
coming. 

Gold  chains  are  again  being  worn,  or  slender  ones 
of  platinum  with  a  delicate  pendant.  These  are  always 
in  good  taste.  Gold  is  more  becoming  to  dark  com- 

118 


Sitttter-tafai* 


plexions  than  pearls,  and  many  ladies  hail  this  return 
to  gold  necklaces  with  much  delight. 

We  have  spoken  of  the  dress  of  ladies,  which,  if  we 
were  to  pursue  it,  would  lead  us  into  all  the  details  of 
velvet,  satin,  and  brocade,  and  would  be  a  departure 
from  our  subject;  let  us,  therefore,  glance  at  the  gen- 
tlemen at  a  modern  —  most  modern  —  dinner.  The 
dinner-jacket,  or  Tuxedo  coat,  is  superseding  the  reg- 
ulation "swallow-tail"  at  informal  dinners.  It  is 
worn  with  a  narrow  black  tie.  With  full  evening 
dress,  gentlemen  wear  the  usual  narrow  white  lawn 
tie,  which  must  never  be  in  "made-up"  form.  The 
waistcoats  are  cut  very  low,  and  exhibit  a  plain  shirt- 
front.  White,  plain-pleated  linen  is  also  fashionable. 
Elderly  gentlemen  content  themselves  with  plain- 
pleated  shirt-fronts  and  white  ties,  indulging  even  in 
wearing  their  watches  in  the  old  way,  as  fashion  has  re- 
introduced  the  short  vest-chain  so  long  banished;  but 
this  is  not  modern  fashion.  The  old  fob  of  our  grand- 
fathers is  seen  on  very  well-dressed  men. 

The  usual  hour  for  dinner-parties  in  America  was 
formerly  seven  o'clock.  Now  it  is  eight  for  ceremonious 
occasions  at  New  York,  Newport,  and  other  places 
where  English  fashions  are  copied;  but  whatever  the 
hour,  the  guests  should  take  care  to  be  punctual  to 
the  minute.  In  the  hall  the  gentleman  should  find 
a  card  with  his  name  and  that  of  the  lady  whom  he  is 
to  take  in  written  on  it.  On  entering  the  drawing* 
room  the  lady  goes  first,  not  taking  her  husband's  arm, 
If  the  gentleman  is  not  acquainted  with  the  lady  whom 

119 


he  is  to  take  in  to  dinner,  he  asks  his  hostess  to  present 
him  to  her,  and  he  endeavors  to  place  himself  on  an 
agreeable  footing  with  her  before  they  enter  the  dining- 
room. 

When  the  last  guest  has  arrived,  dinner  is  ready, 
and  the  butler  makes  his  announcement.  The  host 
leads  the  way,  with  the  lady  to  whom  the  dinner  is 
given,  and  the  hostess  follows  last,  with  the  gentle- 
man whom  she  wishes  to  honor. 

The  people  who  enter  a  modern  dining-room  find  a 
picture  before  them,  which  is  the  result  of  painstaking 
thought,  taste,  and  experience,  and,  like  all  works  of 
art,  worthy  of  study. 

On  entering  the  room,  at  each  place,  as  the  servant 
draws  back  the  chair,  the  guest  sees  a  number  of  glass 
goblets,  wine  and  champagne  glasses,  several  forks, 
knives,  and  spoons.  The  napkin,  deftly  folded,  holds 
a  dinner-roll,  which  the  guest  immediately  removes. 
The  servants  then,  seeing  all  the  guets  seated,  serve  the 
oysters,  and  pass  red  and  black  pepper,  in  silver  pepper- 
pots,  on  a  silver  tray.  A  small,  peculiarly  shaped  fork 
is  laid  by  each  plate,  at  the  right  hand,  for  the  oysters. 
Some  ladies  now  have  all  their  forks  laid  on  the  left 
hand  of  the  plate;  this,  however,  is  not  usual.  After 
the  oysters  are  eaten,  the  plates  are  removed,  and  the 
soup  is  passed. 

During  this  part  of  the  dinner  the  guest  has  time 
to  look  at  the  beautiful  Queen  Anne  silver,  the  hand- 
some lamps,  if  lamps  are  used  (we  may  mention  the 
fact  that  about  twenty-six  candles  will  well  light  a 

120 


iK0b*rtt 


dinner  of  sixteen  persons),  and  the  various  colors  of 
lamp  and  candle  shades.  Then  the  beauty  of  the 
flowers,  and,  as  the  dinner  goes  on,  the  variety  of  the 
modern  Dresden  china,  the  Sevres,  and  the  old  blue 
can  be  discussed  and  admired. 

The  service  is  a  la  Russe;  that  is,  everything  is 
handed  by  the  servants.  Nothing  is  seen  on  the  table 
except  the  flowers,  the  bonbons,  and  the  fruit.  No 
greasy  dishes  are  allowed. 

At  his  right  hand  each  guest  finds  a  goblet  for  water, 
a  glass  of  broad,  flat,  flaring  shape  for  champagne,  a 
beautiful  Bohemian  green  glass  for  the  hock,  a  white 
glass  for  the  claret,  and  a  small  wineglass  for  sherry. 
Small  tumblers  are  used  for  mineral  waters.  It  was 
formerly  the  fashion  to  use  a  large  number  of  glasses, 
but  this  is  now  unnecessary,  as  it  is  the  custom  to 
drink  little  wine,  for  fear  of  gout  and  rheumatism. 

It  is  a  fine  art,  that  of  giving  a  successful  dinner. 
The  fine  art  is  achieved  in  London,  and  has  been  slow 
in  arriving  here.  The  vulgarism  still  attached  to  din- 
ners in  New  York  is  their  over-length  and  ostentation 
as  to  flowers. 

We  will  try  to  see  how  all  this  picture  is  made, 
beginning  at  the  laying  of  the  table,  the  process  of 
which  we  will  explain  in  detail  in  the  next  chapter. 


CHAPTER  XIII 


LAYING   THE   DINNER-TABLE 

HE  table,  after  being  drawn  out  to  its  proper 
length,  should  be  covered  with  a  white  cotton- 
flannel  table-cloth,  unless  the  upper  cloth 
should  be  an  open-work  one,  when,  of  course, 
it  is  omitted.  This  broad  cotton  flannel  can 
be  bought  for  eighty  cents  a  yard.  The 
table-cloth,  if  of  white  damask,  should  be  perfectly 
ironed,  with  one  long  fold  down  the  middle,  which  must 
serve  the  butler  for  his  mathematical  centre.  No  one 
can  be  astray  in  using  fine  white  damask.  If  a  lady 
wishes  to  have  the  more  rare  Russian  embroidery,  the 
gold-embroidered,  or  the  open-work  table-cloth,  she  can 
do  so,  but  let  her  not  put  any  cloth  on  her  table  that 
will  not  wash.  The  mixed-up  things  trimmed  with  vel- 
vet or  satin  or  ribbon,  which  are  occasionally  seen  on 
vulgar  tables,  are  detestable. 

Silver  and  silver-gilt  dishes,  having  been  banished 
for  some  years,  have  now  reasserted  their  pre-eminent 
fitness  for  the  modern  dinner-table.  People  grew 
tired  of  silver,  and  banished  it  to  the  plate-chest. 
Now  all  the  old  pieces  are  being  burnished  up  and  are 
re-appearing;  and  happy  the  hostess  who  has  some  real 

122 


lagfttg  tfy*  5ttttt*r-tahU 


old  Queen  Anne.  As  the  silver  dollar  loses  caste,  the 
silver  soup-tureen  and  the  teapot  of  our  grandmothers 
resume  their  honored  place.  In  some  families  one 
sees  silver  epergnes  which  are  heirlooms.  These  are  now 
valued  for  old  association's  sake,  as  are  the  silver 
candlesticks  and  silver  compotiers.  Where  a  family 
does  not  possess  these  table  ornaments,  a  centre-piece 
of  glass  is  often  used.  The  flat  basket  of  flowers,  over 
which  the  guests  may  talk,  has  not  been  discarded,  and 
the  decorations  of  a  dinner-table  are  usually  rather  low. 
It  is  now  thought  to  be  more  artistic  to  use  only  one 
kind  of  light,  that  of  candles  producing  the  softest 
effect;  these  are  often  used  on  the  table,  with  the  addi- 
tion of  electric  lights  on  wall  brackets  or  high  up  over 
the  table. 

The  lighting  of  rooms  by  means  of  lamps  and  can- 
dles sometimes  gives  the  hostess  great  annoyance. 
There  is  scarcely  a  dinner-party  but  the  candles  set 
fire  to  their  fringed  shades,  and  a  conflagration  en- 
sues. Then  the  new  lamps,  which  give  such  a  re- 
splendent light,  have  been  known  to  melt  the  metal 
about  the  wick,  and  the  consequences  have  been  dis- 
astrous. The  screens  put  over  the  candles  should  not 
have  this  paper  fringe;  it  is  very  dangerous.  But  if 
a  candle-screen  takes  fire,  have  the  coolness  to  let  it 
burn  itself  up  without  touching  it,  as  thus  it  will  be 
entirely  innocuous,  although  rather  appalling  to  look 
at.  Move  a  plate  under  it  to  catch  the  flying  frag- 
ments, and  no  harm  will  be  done;  but  a  well-inten- 
tioned effort  to  blow  it  out  or  to  remove  it  gen- 

123 


anb  jfrnrtal 


erally  results  in  a  very  much  more  wide  -  spread  con- 
flagration. 

The  table-cloth  being  laid,  the  centre  and  side 
ornaments  placed,  the  butler  sees  that  each  footman 
has  a  clean  towel  on  his  arm,  and  then  proceeds  to 
unlock  the  plate-chest  and  the  glass-closet.  Measur- 
ing with  his  hand,  from  the  edge  of  the  table  to  the 
end  of  his  middle  finger,  he  places  the  first  glass. 
This  measurement  is  continued  around  the  table,  and 
secures  a  uniform  line  for  the  water  goblet,  and  the 
claret,  wine,  hock,  and  champagne  glasses,  which  are 
grouped  about  it.  He  then  causes  a  plate  to  be  put 
at  each  place,  large  enough  to  hold  the  ice-filled  plate 
with  the  oysters,  which  will  come  later.  One  footman 
is  detailed  to  fold  the  napkins,  which  should  be  large, 
thick,  fine,  and  serviceable  for  this  stage  of  the  din- 
ner. The  napkins  are  not  folded  in  any  hotel  device, 
but  simply  doubled  with  the  roll  or  bread  inside.  The 
knives,  forks,  and  spoons,  each  of  which  is  wiped  by 
the  footman  with  his  clean  towel,  so  that  no  dampness 
of  his  own  hand  shall  mar  their  sparkling  cleanliness,  are 
then  distributed.  These  should  be  all  of  silver,  two 
knives,  three  forks,  and  a  soup-spoon  being  the  usual 
number  laid  at  each  plate. 

Before  each  plate  is  placed  a  little  salt-cellar,  either 
of  silver  or  china,  in  some  fanciful  shape. 

Menu-cards  are  no  longer  used  for  dinners  at  private 
houses.  It  is  proper  to  have  them,  however,  on  pub- 
lic occasions,  one  being  put  before  each  person.  Or 
one  card  may  serve  for  two  guests. 

124 


Caging  ttj*  itnn*r-tabU 


The  butler  now  turns  his  attention  to  his  sideboards 
and  tables,  whence  he  is  to  draw  his  supplies.  Many 
people  make  a  most  ostentatious  display  of  plate  and 
china  on  their  sideboards,  and  if  one  has  pretty  things 
why  not  show  them?  The  poorer  and  more  modest 
have,  on  their  sideboards,  simply  the  things  which 
will  be  needed.  But  there  should  be  a  row  of  large 
forks,  a  row  of  large  knives,  a  row  of  small  ones,  a  row 
of  table-spoons,  sauce-ladles,  dessert-spoons,  fish-slicer 
and  fork,  a  few  tumblers,  rows  of  claret  and  sherry 
glasses,  and  the  reserve  of  dinner-plates. 

On  another  table  or  sideboard  should  be  placed  the 
finger-bowls  and  glass  dessert-plates,  the  smaller  spoons 
and  coffee  cups  and  saucers.  On  a  table  in  the  but- 
ler's pantry  should  be  the  carving-knives  and  the  first 
dinner-plates  to  be  used.  Here  the  head  footman  or 
the  butler  divides  the  fish  and  carves  the  piece  de 
resistance,  the  fillet  of  beef,  the  haunch  of  venison,  the 
turkey,  or  the  saddle  of  mutton.  It  is  from  this  side- 
table  that  all  the  dinner  should  be  served;  it  is  some- 
times placed  in  the  dining-room,  where  it  should,  if 
possible,  be  behind  a  screen.  As  the  fish  is  being 
served,  the  first  footman  should  offer  Chablis,  or  some 
kind  of  white  wine;  with  the  soup,  sherry;  with  the 
roast,  claret  and  champagne,  each  guest  being  asked 
if  he  will  have  dry  or  sweet  champagne  where  both  are 
provided.  Some  persons  serve  the  champagne  when 
the  game  is  put  on  table. 

As  the  plates  are  removed  they  should  not  be  kept 
in  the  dining-room,  but  sent  to  the  kitchen  immediately, 

125 


iWamtrrs  and  §>xutal 


a  maid  standing  outside  to  receive  them,  so  that  no 
disorder  of  the  dinner  may  reach  the  senses  of  the 
guests,  nor  even  an  unpleasant  odor.  As  each  plate 
is  removed  a  fresh  plate  must  be  put  in  its  place  — 
generally  a  very  beautiful  piece  of  Sevres,  decorated 
with  a  landscape,  flowers,  or  faces. 

Sparkling  wines,  hock  and  champagne,  are  not  de- 
canted, but  are  kept  in  ice-pails,  and  opened  as  re- 
quired. On  the  sideboard  is  placed  the  wine  decanted 
for  use,  and  poured  out  as  needed.  After  the  game 
had  been  handed,  decanters  of  choice  Madeira  and 
port  were  formerly  placed  before  the  host,  who  sent 
them  round  to  his  guests.  With  the  diminution  in 
the  drinking  of  wine,  this  custom  is  going  out  of  favor. 

Modern  fashion  has  brought  about  a  curtailment  of 
the  dinner  menus  and  the  shortening  of  what  was 
once  a  tedious  function.  People  who  keep  a  chef 
and  an  establishment,  have  saved  us  from  that  bar- 
barous time  when  we  were  at  the  mercy  of  caterers, 
and  when  we  knew  that  to  each  dinner  we  went  we 
should  have  the  same  bill  of  fare.  These  beneficent 
dinner-givers  ask  us  to  a  dinner  which  is  shorter,  viands 
better,  and  wines  fewer  than  they  were  ten  years  ago, 
all  of  which  is  most  merciful  and  kind  to  one's  "to- 
morrow." 

No  table-spoons  should  be  laid  on  the  table,  except 
those  to  be  used  for  soup,  as  the  style  of  serving  a  la 
Russe  precludes  their  being  needed;  the  extra  spoons 
are  put  on  the  sideboard. 

Previous  to  the  announcement  of  the  dinner,  the 
126 


tlj?  iintur-tahl? 


footman  places  the  soup-tureens  and  the  soup-plates 
on  the  side-table,  in  the  pantry  or  in  the  dining-room. 
As  soon  as  the  oysters  are  eaten  and  the  plates  re- 
moved, the  butler  begins  with  the  soup,  and  sends  it 
round  by  two  footmen,  one  on  each  side,  each  carry- 
ing two  plates.  Each  footman  should  approach  the 
guests  on  the  left,  so  that  the  right  hand  may  be  used 
for  taking  the  plate.  Half  a  ladleful  of  soup  is  quite 
enough  to  serve. 

Some  ladies  never  allow  their  butler  to  do  any- 
thing but  hand  the  wine,  which  he  does  at  the  right 
hand  (not  the  left),  asking  each  person  if  he  will  have 
Sauterne,  dry  or  sweet  champagne,  claret,  Burgundy, 
and  so  on.  But  really  clever  butlers  serve  the  soup, 
carve,  and  pour  out  the  wine  as  well.  An  inexperi- 
enced servant  should  never  serve  the  wine;  it  must 
be  done  briskly  and  neatly,  not  explosively  or  care- 
lessly. The  overfilling  of  the  glass  should  be  avoided, 
and  servants  should  be  watched,  to  see  that  they 
give  champagne  only  to  those  who  wish  it,  and  that 
they  do  not  overfill  glasses  for  ladies,  who  take  little 
or  no  wine  in  these  days. 

A  large  plate-basket  or  two,  for  removing  dishes 
and  silver  that  have  been  used,  are  necessary,  and 
should  not  be  forgotten.  The  butler  rings  a  bell  which 
communicates  with  the  kitchen  when  he  requires  any- 
thing, and  after  each  entree  or  course  he  thus  gives  the 
signal  to  the  cook  to  send  up  another. 

Hot  dinner-plates  are  prepared  when  the  fish  is  re- 
moved, and  on  these  hot  plates  the  butler  serves  all 
9  127 


£Hann?rs  anil  Mortal 


-•JHfHSKfHgHJHSHlHiHlHg^^ 

the  meats;  the  guests  are  also  served  with  hot  plates 
-before  the  entrees,  except  pate  de  foie  gras,  for  which 
,a  cold  plate  is  necessary. 

Some  discretion  should  be  shown  by  the  servant 
who  passes  the  entrees.  A  large  table-spoon  and  fork 
should  be  on  the  dish  which  is  placed  upon  a  napkin, 
>on  the  flat  of  the  servant's  hand.  It  is  then  held  low, 
-so  that  the  guest  may  help  himself  easily,  the  servant 
.  standing  at  his  left  hand.  A  napkin  should  be  wrapped 
around  the  champagne  bottle,  as  it  is  often  drip- 
ping with  moisture  from  the  ice-chest.  It  is  the  but- 
ler's duty  to  make  the  salad,  which  he  should  do  about 
.half  an  hour  before  dinner.  At  some  dinners  there  are 
•so  many  provocatives  of  appetite  that  it  would  seem  as 
if  we  were,  after  the  manner  of  Heliogabalus,  deter- 
mined to  eat  or  die.  The  best  of  these  is  the  Roman 
punch,  which,  coming  after  the  heavy  roasts,  prepares 
the  palate  and  stomach  for  the  canvas-back  ducks  or 
•other  game.  Then  comes  the  salad  and  cheese,  then 
the  ices  and  sweets,  and  then  cheese  savour  ie  or  cheese 
-fondu.  This  is  only  toasted  cheese,  in  a  very  elegant 
form,  and  is  served  in  little  silver  shells,  sometimes 
.as  early  in  the  dinner  as  just  after  the  oysters,  but  the 
.favorite  time  is  after  the  sweets. 

The  dessert  is  followed  by  the  liqueurs,  which  should 
be  poured  into  very  small  glasses,  and  handed  by  the 
foutler  on  a  small  silver  waiter.  It  is  at  the  pleasure 
of  the  hostess  whether  or  not  this  is  handed  at  the 
;table  or  in  the  drawing-room.  When  the  ices  are 
^removed,  a  dessert-plate  of  glass,  with  a  finger-bowl, 

128 


Uagtng  tljf  Stnnrr-tabU 


is  placed  before  each  person,  and  the  grapes,  peaches, 
pears,  and  other  fruits  are  then  passed.  After  the 
fruits  go  round,  the  sugar-plums  and  a  little  dried 
ginger  —  a  very  pleasant  conserve  —  are  passed  before 
the  coffee. 

The  hostess  makes  the  sign  for  retiring,  and  the 
dinner  breaks  up.  The  gentlemen  are  left  to  wine 
and  cigars,  liqueurs  and  cognac,  and  the  ladies  retire 
to  the  drawing-room  to  chat  and  take  their  coffee. 

In  the  selection  of  the  floral  decoration  for  the  table 
the  lady  of  the  house  has  the  final  voice.  Flowers 
which  have  a  very  heavy  fragrance  should  not  be  used. 
That  roses  and  pinks,  violets  and  lilacs,  are  suitable, 
goes  without  saying,  for  they  are  always  delightful; 
but  the  heavy  tropical  odors  of  jasmine,  orange-blos- 
som, hyacinth,  and  tuberose  should  be  avoided.  A 
very  pretty  decoration  is  obtained  by  using  flowers  of 
one  color,  such  as  Jacqueminot  roses,  or  scarlet  car- 
nations, which,  if  placed  in  the  gleaming  crystal  glass  > 
produce  a  very  brilliant  and  beautiful  effect. 

Flowers  should  not  be  put  on  the  table  until  just 
before  dinner  is  served,  as  they  are  apt  to  be  wilted 
by  the  heat  and  the  lights. 

Faded  flowers  can  be  entirely  restored  to  freshness 
by  clipping  the  stems  and  putting  them  in  very  hot 
water;  then  set  them  away  from  the  furnace-heat, 
and  they  come  on  the  dinner-table  fresh  for  several 
days  after  their  disappearance  in  disgrace  as  faded  or 
jaded  bouquets.  Flowers  thus  restored  have  been  put 
in  a  cold  library,  where  the  water,  once  hot,  has  frozen 

129 


JHamtgra  anft  Mortal 


stiff,  and  yet  have  borne  these  two  extremes  of  tem- 
perature without  loss  of  beauty  —  in  fact,  have  lasted 
present  ably  from  Monday  morning  to  Saturday  night. 
What  flowers  cannot  stand  is  the  air  we  all  live  in  — 
at  what  cost  to  our  freshness  we  find  out  in  the  spring 
—  the  overheated  furnace  and  the  air  of  the  modern 
dining-room.  The  secret  of  the  hot-water  treatment  is 
said  to  be  this:  the  sap  is  sent  up  into  the  flower  in- 
stead of  lingering  in  he  stems.  Roses  respond  to  this 
treatment  wonderfully. 

More  and  more  is  it  becoming  the  fashion  to  have 
music  at  the  end  of  a  dinner  in  the  drawing-room,  in- 
stead of  having  it  played  during  dinner.  Elocution- 
ists are  sometimes  asked  in  to  amuse  the  guests,  who, 
having  been  fed  on  terrapin  and  canvas-back  ducks,  are 
not  supposed  to  be  in  a  talking  mood.  This  may  be 
overdone.  Many  people  like  to  talk  after  dinner  with 
the  men  and  women  who  are  thus  accidentally  brought 
together,  for  in  our  large  cities  the  company  assembled 
about  a  dinner-table  are  very  often  fresh  acquaintances 
who  like  to  improve  that  opportunity  to  know  one  an- 
other better. 


CHAPTER   XIV 

SIMPLE    DINNERS 

O  achieve  a  perfect  little  dinner  with  small 
means  at  command  is  said  to  be  a  great  in- 
tellectual feat.  Dinner  means  so  much — a 
French  cook,  several  accomplished  servants, 
a  very  well-stocked  china-closet,  plate-chest, 
and  linen-chest,  and  flowers,  wines,  bonbons, 
and  so  on.  But  we  have  known  many  simple  little 
dinners  given  by  young  couples  with  small  means 
which  were  far  more  enjoyable  than  the  gold  and  sil- 
ver "diamond"  dinners. 

Given,  first,  a  knowledge  of  how  to  do  it;  a  good 
cook;  a  neat  maid-servant  in  cap  and  apron — if  the 
gentleman  has  a  good  bottle  of  claret  and  another  of 
champagne,  or  neither,  if  he  disapproves  of  them;  if 
the  house  is  neatly  and  quietly  furnished;  if  the  wel- 
come is  cordial,  and  there  is  no  noise,  no  fussy  pre- 
tence— these  little  dinners  are  very  enjoyable,  and 
every  one  is  anxious  to  be  invited  to  them. 

But  people  are  frightened  off  from  simple  entertain- 
ments by  the  splendor  of  the  great,  luxurious  dinners 
given  by  the  very  rich.  It  is  a  foolish  fear.  The  lady 
who  wishes  to  give  a  simple  but  good  dinner  has  first 


anft  hartal 


*$HJH§H|HSHSHiH|HS^^ 

to  consult  what  is  seasonable.  She  must  offer  the  din- 
ner of  the  season,  not  seek  for  those  strawberries  in 
February  which  are  always  sour,  nor  peaches  in  June, 
nor  pease  at  Christmas.  Forced  fruit  is  never  good. 

For  an  autumnal  small  dinner  here  is  a  very  good 
menu: 


Sherry 


Oysters  on  the  half -shell 
Soupe  a  la  Reine 
Blue-fish,  broiled 
Filet  de  Boeuf  aux  Cham- 
pignons 


Chablis 

Hock 

Champagne 


•or — 


Roast  Beef  or  Mutton 

Roast  Partridges 
Salad  of  Tomatoes 
Cheese 


Claret 
Burgundy 

or 
Sherry 


Ices,  Jellies,  Fruit,  Coffee,  Liqueurs 


Of  course,  in  these  days,  claret  and  champagne  are 
-considered  quite  enough  for  a  small  dinner,  and  one 
need  not  offer  the  other  wines.  Or  a  very  good  din- 
ner may  be  given  with  claret  alone.  A  table  claret  to 
add  to  the  water  is  almost  the  only  wine  drunk  in 
France  or  Italy  at  an  every-day  dinner.  Of  course  no 
wine  at  all  is  expected  at  the  tables  of  those  whose 
principles  forbid  alcoholic  beverages,  and  who  never- 
theless give  excellent  dinners  without  them.  Apolli- 
naris  or  some  other  sparkling  table-water  should  be 
served  in  this  case. 

132 


AN    ATTRACTIVE    WAY    OF    SERVING    SHERBET 


A    DAINTY    WINE    SERVICE 


Simtrrs 


A  perfectly  fresh  white  damask  table-cloth,  napkins 
of  equally  delicate  fabric,  spotless  glass  and  silver,, 
pretty  china,  perhaps  one  high  glass  dish  crowned 
with  fruit  and  flowers — sometimes  only  the  fruit — 
chairs  that  are  comfortable,  a  room  not  too  warm,  the 
dessert  served  in  good  taste,  but  not  overloaded — this 
is  all  one  needs.  The  essentials  of  a  good  dinner  are: 
but  few. 

The  informal  dinner  invitations  should  be  written  by 
the  lady  herself  in  the  first  person.  She  may  send  for 
her  friends  only  a  few  days  before  she  wants  them  to 
come.  She  should  be  ready  five  minutes  before  her 
guests  arrive,  and  in  the  parlor,  serene  and  cool,  "mis- 
tress of  herself,  though  china  fall."  She  should  see 
herself  that  the  dinner-table  is  properly  laid,  the  cham- 
pagne and  sherry  thoroughly  cooled,  the  places  marked 
out,  and,  above  all,  the  guests  properly  seated. 

"Ay,  there's  the  rub."  To  invite  the  proper  people 
to  meet  one  another,  to  seat  them  so  that  they  can  have 
an  agreeable  conversation,  that  is  the  trying  and  cru- 
cial test.  Little  dinners  are  social;  little  dinners  are 
informal;  little  dinners  make  people  friends.  And  we 
do  not  mean  little  in  regard  to  numbers  or  to  the 
amount  of  good  food;  we  mean  simple  dinners. 

All  the  good  management  of  a  young  hostess  or  an 
old  one  cannot  prevent  accident,  however.  The  wait- 
ress may  fall  and  break  a  dozen  of  the  best  plates;  the 
husband  may  be  kept  down-town  late,  and  be  dressing 
in  the  very  room  where  the  ladies  are  to  take  off  their 
cloaks  (American  houses  are  frightfully  inconvenient 

133 


fBattturs  and  §nrtai 


in  this  respect)  .  All  that  the  hostess  can  do  is  to  pre- 
serve an  invincible  calm,  and  try  not  to  care  —  at  least 
not  to  show  that  she  cares.  But  after  a  few  attempts 
the  giving  of  a  simple  dinner  becomes  very  easy,  and 
it  is  the  best  compliment  to  a  stranger.  A  gentleman 
travelling  to  see  the  customs  of  a  country  is  much 
more  pleased  to  be  asked  to  a  modest  repast  where  he 
meets  his  hostess  and  her  family  than  to  a  state  dinner 
where  he  is  ticketed  off  and  made  merely  one  at  a 
banquet. 

Then  the  limitations  of  a  dinner  can  be  considered. 
It  is  not  kind  to  keep  guests  more  than  an  hour,  or 
two  hours  at  the  most,  at  table.  French  dinners  rarely 
exceed  an  hour.  English  dinners  are  too  long  and  too 
heavy,  although  the  conversation  is  apt  to  be  brilliant. 
A  simple  dinner  can  be  made  short. 

It  is  better  to  serve  coffee  in  the  drawing-room,  al- 
though if  the  host  and  hostess  are  agreed  on  this  point, 
and  the  ladies  can  stand  smoke,  it  is  served  at  table, 
and  the  gentlemen  light  their  cigarettes. 

The  practice  of  the  ladies  retiring  first  is  an  English 
one,  and  the  French  consider  it  barbarous.  Whether 
we  are  growing  more  French  or  not,  we  seem  to  be 
beginning  to  do  away  with  the  separation  after  din- 
ner. 

It  is  the  custom  at  informal  dinners  for  the  lady  to 
help  the  soup  and  for  the  gentleman  to  carve;  there- 
fore the  important  dishes  are  put  on  the  table.  But 
the  servants  who  wait  should  be  taught  to  have  side- 
tables  and  sideboards  so  well  placed  that  anything 

134 


Bintura 


can  be  removed  immediately  after  it  is  finished.  A 
screen  is  a  very  useful  adjunct  in  a  dining-room. 

Inefficient  servants  have  a  disagreeable  habit  of  run- 
ning in  and  out  of  the  dining-room  in  search  of  some- 
thing that  should  have  been  in  readiness;  therefore 
the  lady  of  the  house  had  better  see  beforehand  that 
bread  or  a  roll  is  placed  under  every  napkin,  and  a  sil- 
ver basketful  or  plateful  ready  in  reserve. 

The  powdered  sugar,  the  butter,  the  olives,  the 
relishes,  should  all  be  thought  of  and  placed  where 
each  can  be  readily  found.  Servants  should  be  taught 
to  be  noiseless  and  to  avoid  a  hurried  manner.  In 
placing  anything  on  or  taking  anything  off  a  table  a 
servant  should  never  reach  across  a  person  seated  at 
table.  However  hurried  the  servant  may  be,  or  how- 
ever near  at  hand  the  article,  she  should  be  taught  to 
walk  quietly  to  the  left  hand  of  each  guest  to  remove 
things,  while  she  should  pass  everything  in  the  same 
manner.  Servants  should  have  a  silver  or  plated  knife- 
tray  to  remove  the  gravy-spoon  and  carving  knife  and 
fork  before  removing  the  platter.  All  the  silver  should 
be  thus  removed;  it  makes  a  table  much  neater.  Ser- 
vants should  be  taught  to  put  a  plate  and  spoon  or  fork 
at  every  place  before  each  course  after  the  original  sup- 
ply has  been  exhausted. 

After  the  meats  and  before  the  pie,  pudding,  or  ices, 
the  table  should  be  carefully  cleared  of  everything  but 
fruit  and  flowers  —  all  plates,  glasses,  carafes,  salt- 
cellars, knives  and  forks,  and  whatever  pertains  to  the 
dinner  should  be  removed,  and  the  table-cloth  well 

135 


attft  Mortal 


cleared  with  crumb-scraper  or  napkin  on  a  silver  waiter, 
and  then  the  plates,  glasses,  spoons,  and  forks  laid  at 
each  place  for  the  dessert.  If  this  is  done  every  day, 
it  adds  to  a  common  dinner,  and  trains  the  waitress  to 
her  work. 

The  dinner,  the  dishes,  and  the  plates  should  all  be 
hot.  The  ordinary  plate-wanner  is  now  superseded 
by  something  far  better,  in  which  a  hot  brick  is  intro- 
duced. The  most  recherche  dinner  is  spoiled  if  hot 
mutton  is  put  on  a  cold  plate.  The  silver  dishes 
should  be  heated  by  hot  water  in  the  kitchen,  the  hot 
dinner  -  plates  must  be  forthcoming  from  the  plate- 
warmer,  nor  must  the  roasts  or  entrees  be  allowed  to 
cool  on  their  way  from  the  kitchen  to  the  dining-room. 
A  servant  should  have  a  thumb-napkin  with  which  to 
hand  the  hot  dishes,  and  a  clean  towel  behind  the 
screen  with  which  to  wipe  the  platters  which  have 
been  sent  up  on  the  dumb-waiter.  On  these  trifles 
depend  the  excellence  of  the  simple  dinner. 


CHAPTER  XV 


extend  it. 


SUMMER    DINNERS 

[ERE  is  a  season  when  the  lingerers  in  town 
accept  with  pleasure  an  invitation  to  the  neigh- 
boring country  house,  where  the  lucky  sub- 
urbanite likes  to  entertain  his  friends.  It 
is  to  be  doubted,  however,  whether  hospital- 
ity is  an  unmixed  pleasure  to  those  who 
With  each  blessing  of  prosperity  comes  an 
attendant  evil,  and  a  lady  who  has  a  country  house 
has  always  to  face  the  fact  that  her  servants  are  apt 
to  decamp  in  a  body  on  Saturday  night,  and  leave  her 
to  take  care  of  her  guests  as  best  she  may.  The  nearer 
to  town  the  greater  the  necessity  for  running  a  ser- 
vants' omnibus,  which  shall  take  the  departing  offend- 
er to  the  train,  and  speed  the  arrival  of  her  suc- 
cessor. 

No  lady  should  attempt  to  entertain  in  the  country 
who  has  not  a  good  cook  and  a  very  competent  butler 
or  waitress.  The  latter,  if  well  trained,  is  in  every 
respect  as  good  as  a  man,  and  in  some  respects  more 
desirable;  women-servants  are  usually  quiet,  neater 
than  men-servants,  as  a  rule,  and  require  less  waiting 
upon.  Both  men  and  women  should  be  required  to 

137 


IBattttgrg  attft  Mortal 


«JHSHgH|HiHSHgH§H$HgHg^^ 

wear  shoes  that  do  not  creak,  and  to  be  immaculately 
neat  in  their  attire.  Maid-servants  should  always 
wear  caps  and  white  aprons,  and  men  dress-coats, 
white  cravats,  and  perfectly  fresh  linen. 

As  the  dinners  of  the  opulent,  who  have  butler, 
footmen,  French  cook,  etc.,  are  quite  able  to  take  care 
of  themselves,  we  prefer  to  write  for  those  of  our  readers 
who  live  in  a  simple  manner,  with  two  or  three  servants, 
and  who  wish  to  entertain  with  hospitality  and  without 
great  expense. 

The  dining-room  of  many  country  houses  is  small 
and  not  cheerfully  furnished.  The  houses  built  re- 
cently are  improved  in  this  respect,  however,  and  now 
we  will  imagine  a  large  room  that  has  a  pretty  outlook 
on  the  Hudson,  carpeted  with  fragrant  matting,  or 
with  a  hard-wood  floor  on  which  lie  India  rugs.  The 
table  should  be  oval,  as  that  shape  brings  guests  near 
to  one  another.  Both  square  and  round  tables  are  now 
used,  however.  The  table-cloth  should  be  of  white 
damask,  and  as  fresh  as  sweet  clover,  for  dinner.  The 
chairs  should  be  easy,  with  high,  not  slanting  backs. 
For  summer,  cane  chairs  are  much  the  most  comfort- 
able, although  those  covered  with  leather  are  very  nice. 
Some  people  prefer  arm-chairs  at  dinner,  but  the  arms 
are  inconvenient  to  many,  and,  besides,  take  a  great 
deal  of  room.  The  armless  dinner-chairs  are  the  best, 
except  for  the  lame  and  the  lazy. 

Now,  as  a  dinner  in  the  country  generally  occurs 
after  the  gentlemen  come  from  town,  the  matter  of 
light  has  to  be  considered.  Few  country  houses  have 

138 


gas.  Even  if  they  have,  it  would  be  very  hot,  and  at- 
tract mosquitoes.  If  our  late  brilliant  sunsets  do  not 
supply  enough,  how  shall  we  light  our  summer  din- 
ners? The  cool,  delightful  electric  light  answers  this 
query  in  the  twentieth  century. 

Candles  are  very  pretty,  but  exceedingly  trouble- 
some. The  wind  blows  the  flame  to  and  fro;  the 
insects  flutter  into  the  light;  an  unhappy  moth  seats 
himself  on  the  wick,  and  burning  into  an  unsightly 
cadaver  makes  a  gutter  down  one  side;  the  little 
paper  or  silk  shades  take  fire,  and  there  is  a  general 
conflagration.  Yet  light  is  positively  necessary  to 
digestion,  and  no  party  can  be  cheerful  without  it. 
Therefore,  try  Carcel  or  moderator  lamps  with  pretty, 
transparent  shades,  or  a  hanging  lamp  with  ground- 
glass  shade.  These  lamps,  filled  with  kerosene — and  it 
must  be  done  neatly,  so  that  it  will  not  smell — are  the 
best  lamps  for  the  country  dinner.  If  possible,  how- 
ever, have  a  country  dinner  by  the  light  of  day;  it  is 
much  more  cheerful. 

Now  for  the  ornamentation  of  the  dinner.  Let  it 
be  of  flowers — wild  ones,  if  possible,  grasses,  clovers, 
buttercups,  and  a  few  fragrant  roses  or  garden  flow- 
ers. There  is  no  end  to  the  cheap  decorative  china 
articles  that  are  sold  now  for  the  use  of  flowers.  Stout 
pitchers,  glass  bowls,  china  bowls,  and  even  old  tea- 
pots, make  pretty  flower-holders.  The  Greek  vase,  the 
classic  -  shaped,  old-fashioned  champagne  glass,  are, 
however,  unrivalled  for  the  light  grasses,  field  daisies, 
and  fresh  garden  flowers. 

139 


fHannrrs  anb  Mortal 


Pretty,  modern  English  china,  the  cheap  "old  blue," 
the  white  and  gold,  or  the  French,  with  a  colored  bor- 
der, are  all  good  enough  for  a  country  dinner;  for  if 
people  have  two  houses,  they  do  not  like  to  take  their 
fragile,  expensive  china  to  the  country.  Prettily 
shaped  tureens  and  vegetable  dishes  add  very  much 
to  the  comfort  and  happiness  of  the  diners,  and  fortu- 
nately they  are  cheap  and  easily  obtained.  Glass 
should  always  be  thin  and  fine,  and  tea  and  coffee 
cups  delicate  to  the  lip. 

For  a  country  dinner  the  table  should  be  set  near  a 
window  or  windows,  if  possible;  in  fine  weather  on 
the  wide  veranda.  If  the  veranda  is  open,  or  has  long 
windows,  the  servant  can  pass  in  and  out  easily.  There 
should  be  a  sideboard  and  a  side  -table,  relays  of 
knives,  forks,  and  spoons,  dishes  and  glasses  not  in 
use,  and  a  table  from  which  the  servant  can  help  the 
soup  and  carve  the  joint,  as  on  a  hot  day  no  one  wishes 
to  see  these  two  dishes  on  the  table.  A  maid-servant 
should  be  taught  by  her  mistress  how  to  carve,  in  order 
to  save  time  and  trouble.  Soup  for  a  country  dinner 
should  be  clear  bouillon,  creme  d'asperge,  or  Julienne, 
which  has  in  it  all  the  vegetables  of  the  season.  Heavy 
mock-turtle,  bean,  or  ox-tail  soup  are  not  in  order  for 
a  country  dinner.  If  the  lady  of  the  house  have  a 
talent  for  cookery,  .she  should  have  her  soups  made 
the  day  before,  all  the  grease  removed  when  the  stock 
is  cold,  and  season  them  herself. 

A  recent  novelty  is  a  tenderloin  of  beef,  with  a  ring 
about  it  of  stewed  cherries,  interspersed  with  parsley 

140 


litttt^ra 


or  water-cress  leaves.  This  is  very  pretty,  arranged 
in  a  long  dish. 

It  is  better  in  a  country  house  to  have  some  cold 
dish  that  will  serve  as  a  resource  if  the  cook  should 
leave.  Melton  veal,  which  can  be  prepared  on  Mon- 
day and  which  will  last  until  Saturday,  is  an  ex- 
cellent stand-by;  and  a  cold  boiled  or  roast  ham 
should  always  be  in  the  larder.  A  hungry  man  can 
make  a  comfortable  dinner  of  cold  ham  and  a  baked 
potato. 

Every  country  householder  should  try  to  have  a 
vegetable  garden,  for  pease,  beans,  young  turnips,  and 
salads  fresh  gathered  are  very  superior  to  those  which 
even  the  best  grocer  furnishes.  And  of  all  the  lux- 
uries of  a  country  dinner  the  fresh  vegetables  are  the 
greatest.  Especially  does  the  tired  citizen,  fed  on 
the  esculents  of  the  corner  grocery,  delight  in  the 
green  pease,  the  crisp  lettuce,  the  undefiled  straw- 
berries. One  old  epicure  of  New  York  asks  of  his 
country  friends  only  a  piece  of  boiled  salt  pork  with 
vegetables,  a  potato  salad,  some  cheese,  five  large 
strawberries,  and  a  cup  of  coffee.  The  large  family 
of  salads  help  to  make  the  country  dinner  delightful. 
Given  a  clear  beef  soup,  a  slice  of  fresh-boiled  salmon, 
a  bit  of  spring  lamb  with  mint  sauce,  some  green  pease 
and  fresh  potatoes,  a  salad  of  lettuce,  or  sliced  toma- 
toes, or  potatoes  with  a  bit  of  onion,  and  you  have  a 
dinner  fit  for  a  Brillat-Savarin;  or  vary  it  with  a  pair 
of  broiled  chickens,  and  a  jardiniere  made  of  all  the 
pease,  beans,  potatoes,  cauliflower,  fresh  beets,  of  the 

141 


IHamtfra  anil  9artal 


day  before,  simply  treated  to  a  bath  of  vinegar  and  oil 
and  pepper  and  salt.  The  lady  who  has  conquered 
the  salad  question  may  laugh  at  the  caprices  of  cooks 
and  defy  the  hour  at  which  the  train  leaves. 

What  so  good  as  an  egg  salad  for  a  hungry  com- 
pany? Boil  the  eggs  hard  and  slice  them,  cover  with 
a  mayonnaise  dressing,  and  put  a  few  lettuce  leaves 
about  the  plate,  and  you  have  a  sustaining  meal. 

Many  families  have  cold  meats  and  warm  vegetables 
for  their  mid-day  dinner  during  the  summer.  This  is 
not  healthy.  Let  all  the  dinner  be  cold  if  the  meats 
are;  and  a  dinner  of  cold  roast  beef,  of  salad,  and 
cold  asparagus,  dressed  with  pepper,  oil,  and  vinegar, 
is  not  a  bad  meal. 

It  is  better  for  almost  everybody,  however,  to  eat  a 
hot  dinner,  even  in  hot  weather,  as  the  digestion  is 
aided  by  the  friendly  power  of  the  caloric.  Indeed, 
dyspepsia,  almost  universal  with  Americans,  is  attrib- 
uted to  the  habit  which  prevails  in  this  country  above 
all  others  of  drinking  ice-water. 

Carafes  of  ice-water,  a  silver  dish  for  ice,  and  a  pair 
of  ice-tongs  should  be  put  on  the  table  for  a  summer 
dinner.  For  desserts  there  is  an  almost  endless  suc- 
cession, and  with  cream  in  her  dairy  and  a  patent  ice- 
cream freezer  in  her  kitchen,  the  housekeeper  need 
not  lack  delicate  and  delicious  dishes  of  berries  and 
fruits.  No  hot  puddings  should  be  served,  or  heavy 
pies  ;  but  the  fruit  tart  is  an  excellent  sweet  ;  the  pastry 
should  melt  in  the  mouth,  and  the  fruit  be  stewed 
with  a  great  deal  of  sugar.  Cream  should  be  put  on 

142 


the  table  in  large  glass  pitchers,  for  it  is  a  great  luxury 
of  the  country  and  of  the  summer  season. 

The  cold  custards,  charlotte  -  russe,  and  creams 
stiffened  with  gelatine  and  delicately  flavored  are 
very  nice  for  a  summer  dinner.  So  is  home-made 
cake,  when  well  made;  this,  indeed,  is  always  its  only 
"excuse  for  being." 

Stewed  fruit  is  a  favorite  dessert  in  England,  and 
the  gooseberry,  which  here  is  but  little  used,  is  much 
liked  there.  Americans  prefer  to  eat  fruit  fresh,  and 
therefore  have  not  learned  to  stew  it.  Stewing  is, 
however,  a  branch  of  cookery  well  worth  the  atten- 
tion of  a  first-class  housekeeper.  It  makes  even  the 
canned  abominations  better,  and  the  California  canned 
apricot  stewed  with  sugar  is  one  of  the  most  delight- 
ful of  sweets,  and  very  wholesome;  canned  peaches 
stewed  with  sugar  lose  the  taste  of  tin,  which  sets  the 
teeth  on  edge,  and  stewed  currants  are  delicious. 

Every  housekeeper  should  learn  to  cook  macaroni 
well.  It  is  worth  while  to  spend  hours  in  study  to  learn 
how  to  make  it,  for  this  Italian  staple  is  economical 
and  extremely  palatable  if  properly  prepared.  Rice, 
too,  should  have  a  place  in  a  summer  bill  of  fare,  as 
an  occasional  substitute  for  potatoes,  which  some  peo- 
ple cannot  eat. 

For  summer  dinners  there  should  never  be  any- 
thing on  the  table  when  the  guests  sit  down  but  the 
flowers,  the  bonbons,  the  ice-pitchers  or  carafes,  and 
bowls  of  ice,  the  glass,  china,  and  silver;  the  last  three 
should  all  be  simple,  and  not  profuse. 
10  143 


fHatutrrs  att&  Mortal 


Many  families,  fearing  burglars,  now  use  only  plated 
spoons,  knives,  forks,  and  dishes  at  their  country 
houses.  Modern  plate  is  so  very  good  that  there  is 
less  objection  to  this  than  formerly;  but  the  genuine 
housekeeper  loves  the  real  silver  spoons  and  forks, 
and  prefers  to  use  them. 

The  ostentatious  display  of  silver,  however,  is  in 
bad  taste  at  a  country  dinner.  Glass  dishes  are  much 
more  elegant  and  appropriate,  and  quite  expensive 
enough  to  bear  the  title  of  luxuries. 

Avoid  all  greasy  and  heavy  dishes  in  summer.  Good 
roast-beef,  mutton,  lamb,  veal,  chickens,  and  fresh  fish 
are  always  in  order,  for  the  system  craves  the  support 
of  these  solids  in  summer  as  well  as  in  winter;  but  do 
not  offer  pork,  unless  in  the  most  delicate  form,  and 
then  in  small  quantities.  Fried  salt  pork,  if  not  too 
fat,  is  always  a  pleasant  addition  to  the  broiled  bird. 

Broiled  fish,  broiled  chicken,  broiled  ham,  broiled 
steaks  and  chops,  are  always  satisfactory.  The  grid- 
iron made  St.  Lawrence  fit  for  heaven,  and  its  quali- 
ties have  been  elevating  and  refining  ever  since.  Noth- 
ing can  be  less  healthy  or  less  agreeable  to  the  taste 
at  a  summer  dinner  than  fried  food.  The  frying-pan 
should  have  been  thrown  into  the  fire  long  ago,  and 
burned  up. 

The  housekeeper  living  near  the  sea  has  an  ample 
store  to  choose  from  in  the  toothsome  crab,  clam,  lob- 
ster, and  other  shellfish.  The  fresh  fish,  the  roast 
clams,  etc.,  take  the  place  of  the  devilled  kidneys  and 
broiled  bones  of  the  winter.  But  every  housewife 

144 


should  study  the  markets  of  her  neighborhood.  In 
many  rural  districts  the  butchers  give  away,  or  throw 
to  the  dogs,  sweetbreads  and  other  morsels  which  are 
the  very  essence  of  luxury.  Calf's  head  is  rejected  by 
the  rural  buyer,  and  a  Frenchman  who  had  the  physi- 
ologic du  gotit  at  his  finger-ends,  declared  that  in  a 
country  place,  not  five  miles  from  New  York,  he  gave 
luxurious  dinners  on  what  the  butcher  threw  away. 


CHAPTER   XVI 


TEAS    AND    RECEPTIONS 

FTERNOON  tea,  in  small  cities  or  in  the 
country,  in  villages  and  academic  towns,  can 
well  be  made  a  most  agreeable  and  ideal  en- 
tertainment for  the  official  presentation  of  a 
daughter  or  for  the  means  of  seeing  one's 
friends.  In  the  busy  winter  season  of  a  large 
city  it  should  not  be  made  the  excuse  for  giving  up  the 
evening  party,  or  the  dinner,  lunch,  or  ball.  It  is  not 
all  these,  it  is  simply  itself,  and  it  should  be  a  refuge  for 
those  women  who  are  tired  of  balls,  of  over-dressing, 
dancing,  visiting,  and  shopping.  It  is  also  very  dear 
to  the  young,  who  find  the  convenient  tea-table  a  good 
arena  for  flirtation.  It  is  a  form  of  entertainment 
which  allows  one  to  dispense  with  etiquette  and  save 
time. 

In  giving  a  large  afternoon  tea,  for  which  cards  have 
been  sent  out,  the  hostess  should  stand  near  the  draw- 
ing-room door  and  greet  each  guest,  who,  after  a  few 
words,  passes  on.  Where  her  daughters  or  other  ladies 
receive  with  her,  they  stand  at  her  right.  When  a  butler 
is  employed,  he  asks  the  names  of  the  ladies  in  the  hall, 
and  announces  these,  as  they  enter  the  drawing-room. 

146 


In  the  adjoining  room,  usually  the  dining-room,  a  large 
table  is  spread  with  a  white  cloth,  and  at  one  end  is  a 
tea-service  with  a  kettle  of  water  boiling  over  an 
alcohol  lamp,  while  at  the  other  end  is  a  service  for 
chocolate.  The  fashion  of  having  no  cloth  is  a  very 
pretty  one,  for  those  who  possess  a  handsome  polished 
dining-table.  There  should  be  flowers  and  candles  on 
the  table,  and  dishes  containing  bread-and-butter  cut 
as  thin  as  a  shaving.  Sandwiches  in  infinite  variety 
are  now  popular  for  teas.  Cake  and  bonbons  are  al- 
ways permissible.  One  or  two  servants  should  be  in 
attendance  to  carry  away  soiled  cups  and  saucers  and 
to  keep  the  table  looking  fresh;  but  for  the  pouring  of 
the  tea  and  chocolate  there  should  always  be  a  lady, 
who,  like  the  hostess,  should  wear  a  light  afternoon 
gown;  for  nothing  is  worse  form  nowadays  than  full 
dress  before  dinner.  The  ladies  of  the  house  should 
not  wear  hats.  Since  the  hostess  cannot  leave  her  post 
until  all  her  guests  have  arrived,  she  usually  has  two  or 
three  friends  who  assist  her  by  going  about  among  the 
guests,  and  seeing  that  their  wants  are  attended  to. 

When  tea  is  served  every  afternoon  at  five  o'clock, 
whether  or  no  there  are  visitors,  as  is  the  case  in 
many  houses,  the  servant  —  who,  if  a  woman,  should 
always  in  the  afternoon  wear  a  plain  black  gown,  with 
a  white  cap  and  apron  —  should  place  a  small,  low  table 
before  the  lady  of  the  house,  and  lay  over  it  a  pretty 
white  cloth.  She  should  then  bring  in  a  large  tray, 
upon  which  are  the  tea-service  and  a  plate  of  bread- 
and-butter,  or  cake,  or  both,  place  it  upon  the  table, 

147 


and  g>urtal 


and  retire  —  remaining  within  call,  though  out  of  sight, 
in  case  she  should  be  needed.  The  best  rule  for  mak- 
ing tea  is  the  old-fashioned  one:  "One  teaspoonful  for 
each  person  and  one  for  the  pot."  The  pot  should 
first  be  rinsed  with  hot  water,  then  the  tea  put  in,  and 
upon  it  should  be  poured  enough  water,  actually 
boiling,  to  cover  the  leaves.  This  decoction  should  not 
stand  for  more  than  three  minutes  ;  then  fill  up  the  pot 
with  more  boiling  water,  and  pour  it  immediately. 
It  is  better  to  transfer  it  to  another  pot,  as  tannin, 
an  injurious  substance,  is  drawn  from  the  leaves,  if 
the  water  is  allowed  to  stand  upon  them  longer  than 
the  time  just  specified.  Plenty  of  hot  water  should  be 
provided,  as  it  is  the  fashion  to  drink  very  weak  tea  at 
five  o/clock.  Some  persons  prefer  lemon  in  their  tea 
to  cream,  and  it  is  a  good  plan  to  have  some  thin 
slices,  cut  for  the  purpose,  placed  in  a  pretty  little 
dish  on  the  tray.  A  bowl  of  cracked  ice  is  also  a 
pleasant  addition  in  summer,  iced-tea  being  a  most  re- 
freshing drink  in  hot  weather,  although  it  is  apt  to  be 
bitter,  unless  very  carefully  prepared.  Neither  plates 
nor  napkins  need  appear  at  this  informal  and  cosey 
meal.  A  guest  arriving  at  this  time  in  the  afternoon 
should  always  be  offered  a  cup  of  tea. 

Five-o'clock  teas  should  be  true  to  their  name,  nor 
should  any  other  refreshment  be  offered  than  tea,  bread- 
and-butter,  and  little  cakes  or  fancy  crackers.  If  other 
eatables  are  offered,  the  tea  becomes  a  reception. 

Indeed,  the  two  so  closely  resemble  each  other,  that 
it  is  sometimes  hard  to  draw  the  line  between  them. 

148 


OJras  ani  Srrrptinns 


An  afternoon  reception  is  more  formal  than  a  tea. 
The  invitations  are  usually  given  out  longer  before- 
hand, and  the  hostess  and  her  assistants  are  more 
elaborately  dressed.  Ice-cream  or  frappe  is  served, 
and  bouillon  in  cold  weather.  Salads,  oysters,  etc. 
may  also  be  provided,  in  addition  to  the  ever-popular 
cup  of  tea.  It  is  thought  to  be  in  better  taste  not  to 
serve  an  elaborate  collation,  since  this  would  interfere 
with  the  late  dinner  which  has  now  become  universal 
in  our  large  cities. 

There  is  a  high  tea,  which  takes  the  place  of  dinner 
on  Sunday  evenings  in  cities;  this  is  a  very  pretty 
entertainment.  In  small  rural  cities,  in  the  country,  it 
may  take  the  place  of  dinners.  These  high  teas  were 
formerly  very  fashionable  in  Philadelphia.  It  gave 
an  opportunity  to  offer  hot  rolls  and  butter,  escalloped 
oysters,  fried  chicken,  delicately  sliced  cold  ham, 
waffles  and  hot  cakes,  preserves  —  alas!  since  the  days 
of  canning  who  offers  the  delicious  preserves  of  the 
past?  The  hostess  sits  in  state  behind  her  silver  urn, 
and  pours  the  hot  tea  or  coffee  or  chocolate,  and 
presses  the  guest  to  take  another  waffle.  It  is  a  de- 
lightful meal,  and  has  no  prototype  in  any  country 
but  our  own. 

It  is  doubtful,  however,  whether  the  high  tea  will 
ever  be  popular  in  America  —  in  large  cities  at  least, 
where  the  custom  of  eight-o'clock  dinner  prevails. 


CHAPTER  XVII 


BALLS     AND     DANCES 

HOSTESS  must  not  use  the  word  "ball"  on 
her  invitation-cards.  She  must  express  her 
invitation  in  some  way  which  indicates  the 
nature  of  the  entertainment,  without  using 
the  word  "ball."  The  latter  is  considered 
correct  only  in  the  case  of  a  public  function ; 
the  private  hostess  is  "at  home,"  or  "  requests  the 
pleasure  "  of  her  guests'  company.  She  may  say: 

Mrs.  John  Brown  requests  the  pleasure  of  the  company  of 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Amos  Smith 
on  Thursday  evening,  November  the  twenty-second 

at  ten  o'clock 
Dancing  RS.V.P. 

Mrs.  John  Brown 

At  Home 
Thursday  evening,  November  the  twenty-second 

at  ten  o'clock 
Cotillion  at  eleven  RS.V.P. 

But  she  should  not  indicate  further  the  purpose  of 
her  party.  In  New  York,  where  young  ladies  are  in- 
troduced to  society  by  means  of  a  ball  at  Delmonico's, 


Satis 


or  some  other  assembly  rooms,  the  invitation  is  fre- 
quently worded: 

*  Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Brown  request  the  pleasure 

of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Smith's  company 
on  Thursday  evening,  November  the  twenty-second 

at  nine  o'clock 
Delmonico's 

The  name  of  the  young  debutante  is  sometimes  (al- 
though not  always)  included. 

If  these  invitations  are  sent  to  new  acquaintances, 
or  to  strangers  in  town,  the  card  of  the  gentleman  is 
enclosed  to  gentlemen,  that  of  both  the  gentleman 
and  his  wife  to  ladies  and  gentlemen,  if  it  is  a  first 
invitation. 

A  ballroom  should  be  very  well  lighted,  exceeding- 
ly well  ventilated,  and  very  gayly  dressed.  It  is  the 
height  of  the  gayety  of  the  day;  and  although  dinner 
calls  for  handsome  dress,  a  ball  demands  it.  Young 
persons  of  slender  figure  prefer  light,  diaphanous 
dresses;  the  chaperons  can  wear  heavy  velvet  and 
brocade.  Jewels  are  in  order.  The  great  number  of 
bouquets  sent  to  a  debutante  is  often  embarrassing. 

Gentlemen  who  have  not  selected  partners  before 
the  ball  come  to  their  hostess  and  ask  to  be  presented 
to  ladies  who  will  dance  with  them.  As  a  hostess 
cannot  leave  her  place  while  receiving,  and  people 

*  The  host's  name  appears  on  the  invitation,  when  it  is  an 
evening  entertainment. 


and  g>nrial 


come  at  all  hours  to  a  ball,  she  generally  asks  two  or 
three  well-known  society  friends  to  receive  with  her, 
who  will  take  this  part  of  her  duty  off  her  hands,  for 
no  hostess  likes  to  see  "wall-flowers"  at  her  ball:  she 
wishes  all  her  young  people  to  enjoy  themselves. 
At  assembly  balls  a  number  of  young  men  may  make 
the  introductions,  thus  acting  as  masters  of  ceremony. 
Well-bred  young  men  always  say  to  the  hostess  that 
they  beg  of  her  to  introduce  them  to  ladies  who  may 
be  without  partners,  as  they  would  gladly  make  them- 
selves useful  to  her.  After  dancing  with  a  lady,  and 
walking  about  the  room  with  her  for  a  few  times,  a 
gentleman  is  at  perfect  liberty  to  take  the  young  lady 
back  to  her  chaperon  and  plead  another  engagement. 

A  great  drawback  to  balls  in  America  is  the  lack  of 
convenience  for  those  who  wish  to  remain  seated.  In 
Europe,  where  the  elderly  are  first  considered,  seats  are 
placed  around  the  room,  somewhat  high,  for  the  chap- 
erons, and  at  their  feet  sit  the  debutantes.  These  red- 
covered  sofas,  in  two  tiers,  as  it  were,  are  brought  in 
by  the  upholsterer  (as  we  hire  chairs  for  the  crowded 
musicals  or  readings  so  common  in  large  cities),  and 
are  very  convenient.  It  is  strange  that  all  large  halls 
are  not  furnished  with  them,  as  they  make  every  one 
comfortable  at  very  little  expense,  and  add  to  the  ap- 
pearance of  the  room.  A  row  of  well-dressed  ladies, 
in  velvet,  brocade,  and  diamonds,  some  with  white 
hair,  certainly  forms  a  very  distinguished  background 
for  those  who  sit  at  their  feet. 

Supper  is  generally  served  all  the  evening  from  a 
152 


Sails  etnh  Dances 


table  on  which  flowers,  fruits,  candelabra,  silver,  and 
glass  are  displayed,  and  which  is  loaded  with  hot 
oysters,  boned  turkey,  salmon,  game  pates,  salads, 
ices,  jellies,  and  fruits,  from  the  commencement  of 
the  evening.  A  hot  supper,  with  plentiful  cups  of 
bouillon,  is  served  again  for  those  who  dance  the 
german. 

But  if  the  hostess  so  prefer,  the  supper  is  not  served 
until  she  gives  the  word,  when  her  husband  leads  the 
way  with  the  most  distinguished  lady  present,  the  rest 
of  the  company  following.  In  this  case  the  supper  is 
often  served  in  courses,  the  guests  sitting  at  small 
tables.  The  hostess  rarely  goes  in  to  supper  until 
every  one  has  been  served.  She  takes  the  opportunity 
of  walking  about  her  ballroom  to  see  if  every  one  is 
happy  and  attended  to.  If  she  does  go  to  supper,  it  is 
in  order  to  accompany  some  distinguished  guest — like 
the  President,  for  instance.  This  is,  however,  a  point 
which  may  be  left  to  the  tact  of  the  hostess. 

A  young  lady  is  not  apt  to  forget  her  ballroom 
engagements,  but  she  should  be  sure  not  to  do  so. 
She  must  be  careful  not  to  offend  one  gentleman  by 
refusing  to  dance  with  him,  and  then  accepting  the 
offer  of  another.  Such  things,  done  by  frivolous  girls, 
injure  a  young  man's  feelings  unnecessarily,  and  prove 
that  the  young  lady  has  not  had  the  training  of  a 
gentlewoman.  A  young  man  should  not  forget  if  he 
has  asked  a  young  lady  for  a  dance,  especially  if  it  is 
the  cotillion.  He  may  send  her  a  bouquet,  although 
this  is  not  now  considered  obligatory,  and  must  be  on 

153 


anb  g>0rial 


<g"l*§"i*3"g"g"M"l*§"^^ 

hand  to  dance  with  her.  If  kept  away  by  sickness 
or  a  death  in  his  family,  he  must  send  her  a  note  before 
the  appointed  hour. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  take  leave  of  your  hostess  at 
a  ball,  if  you  leave  early  in  the  evening,  while  she  is 
much  occupied  with  other  guests.  Should  she  be 
standing  near  the  door,  however,  one  should  endeavor 
to  make  one's  adieus.  All  that  she  requires  of  you 
is  to  speak  to  her  on  entering,  and  to  make  yourself  as 
agreeable  and  happy  as  you  can  while  in  her  house. 

Young  men  are  not  always  as  polite  as  they  should 
be  at  balls.  They  ought,  if  well-bred,  to  look  about 
and  see  if  any  lady  has  been  left  unattended  at  supper, 
to  ask  if  they  can  go  for  refreshments,  if  they  can  lead 
a  lady  to  a  seat,  go  for  a  carriage,  etc.  It  is  not  an 
impertinence  for  a  young  man  thus  to  speak  to  a  lady 
older  than  himself,  even  if  he  has  rot  been  introduced; 
the  roof  is  a  sufficient  introduction  for  any  such  purpose. 

The  first  persons  asked  to  dance  by  the  young  gen- 
tlemen invited  to  a  house  should  be  the  daughters 
of  the  house.  To  them  and  to  their  immediate  rela- 
tives and  friends  must  the  first  attention  be  paid. 

It  is  not  wise  for  young  ladies  to  join  in  every 
dance,  nor  should  a  young  chaperon  dance,  leaving 
her  prote'ge'e  sitting.  The  very  bad  American  custom 
of  sending  several  young  girls  to  a  ball  with  a  very 
young  chaperon — perhaps  one  of  their  number  who 
has  just  been  married — has  led  to  great  vulgarity  in 
our  American  city  life,  not  to  say  to  that  general 
misapprehension  of  foreigners  which  offends  without 

154 


Sails   anil 


correcting  our  national  vanity.  A  mother  should  en- 
deavor to  attend  balls  with  her  daughters,  and  to  stay 
as  long  as  they  do.  But  many  mothers  say,  "We  are 
not  invited;  there  is  not  room  for  us."  Then  her 
daughters  should  not  accept.  It  is  a  very  poor  Ameri- 
can custom  not  to  invite  the  mothers.  Let  a  lady 
give  two  or  three  dances,  if  her  list  is  so  large  that  she 
can  only  invite  the  daughters  if  she  give  but  one.  Some 
fathers  accompany  their  daughters  to  a  dance,  when 
the  mother  is  not  invited.  Or  several  girls  go  together. 
At  a  dance  given  in  a  public  assembly  room,  the  pa- 
tronesses sometimes  act  as  chaperons,  and  a  girl  should 
certainly  avail  herself  of  their  protection  or  assistance, 
should  she  need  it.  Thus  it  prevents  much  awkward- 
ness if  a  young  lady  can  say,  at  the  end  of  a  dance, 
"Please  leave  me  with  Mrs.  So-and-so."  It  is  very 
disagreeable  for  a  girl  to  be  left  alone  in  a  crowded 
ballroom,  yet  she  does  not  wish  to  detain  a  young 
man  who  may  have  other  engagements. 

A  lady  should  not  overcrowd  her  ropms.  To  put 
five  hundred  people  into  a  hot  room,  with  no  chairs 
to  rest  in,  and  little  air  to  breathe,  is  to  apply  a  very 
cruel  test  to  friendship.  It  is  this  impossibility  of 
putting  one's  "five  hundred  dear  friends"  into  a  nar- 
row house  which  has  led  to  the  giving  of  balls  at  pub- 
lic rooms  —  an  innovation  which  shocked  a  French- 
woman of  rank  who  married  an  American.  "You  have 
no  safeguard  for  society  in  America,"  she  observed, 
"but  your  homes.  No  aristocracy,  no  king,  no  court, 
no  traditions,  but  the  sacred  one  of  home.  Now,  do 


anb  Mortal 


you  not  run  great  risks  when  you  abandon  your  homes 
and  bring  out  your  girls  at  a  hotel?"  There  is  some- 
thing in  her  wise  remarks;  and  with  the  carelessness 
of  chaperonage  in  cities  which  are  now  largely  popu- 
lated by  irresponsible  foreigners  the  dangers  increase. 

The  first  duty  of  a  gentleman  on  entering  a  ball- 
room is  to  make  his  bow  to  the  lady  of  the  house  and 
to  her  daughters,  shaking  hands  with  his  hostess  if  she 
receives  her  guests  in  this  cordial  way.  Young  ladies 
usually  only  courtesy  or  bow,  unless  the  man  is  an  old 
friend;  he  should  then  strive  to  find  his  host  —  a  very 
difficult  business  sometimes.  Young  men  are  to  be 
very  much  censured,  however,  who  do  not  find  out 
their  host,  and  insist  on  being  presented  to  him.  Pa- 
terfamilias in  America  is  sometimes  thought  to  hold 
a  very  insignificant  place  in  his  own  house,  and  be 
.good  for  nothing  but  to  draw  checks.  This  is  indica- 
tive of  a  very  low  social  condition,  and  no  man  invited 
to  a  gentleman's  house  should  leave  it  until  he.  has 
made  his  bow  to  the  head  thereof. 

It  is  proper  for  intimate  friends  to  ask  for  invita- 
tions for  other  friends  to  a  ball,  particularly  for  young 
gentlemen  who  are  "dancing  men."  More  prudence 
should  be  exercised  in  asking  in  behalf  of  ladies,  but 
the  hostess  has  always  the  privilege  of  saying  that 
her  list  is  full,  if  she  does  not  wish  to  invite  her  friends' 
friends.  No  offence  should  be  taken  if  this  refusal 
be  given  politely. 


CHAPTER  XVIII 


SUPPER-PARTIES 

FTER  a  long  retirement  into  the  shades,  the 
supper-party,  the  "sit-down  supper,"  once 
so  dear  to  our  ancestors,  has  been  again  re- 
vived. The  suppers  at  private  houses/which 
went  out  of  fashion  by  reason  of  the  con- 
venience and  popularity  of  the  great  restau- 
rants, have  been  resumed.  The  very  late  dinners  in 
large  cities  have,  no  doubt,  also  prevented  the  supper 
from  being  a  favorite  entertainment;  but  there  is  no 
reason  (except  the  disapproval  of  doctors)  why  sup- 
pers should  not  be  in  fashion  in  the  country,  or  where 
people  dine  early.  In  England,  where  digestions  are 
better  than  here,  and  where  people  eat  more  heavily, 
"the  supper- tray"  is  an  institution,  and  suppers  are 
generally  spread  in  every  English  country  house;  and 
we  may  acknowledge  the  fact  that  the  supper — the 
little  supper  so  dear  to  the  hearts  of  our  friends  of  the 
eighteenth  century — seems  to  be  coming  again  into 
fashion  here.  Significant  of  this  revival  is  the  fact  that 
every  woman's  magazine  receives  many  letters  asking 
for  directions  for  setting  the  table  for  supper,  and  for 
the  proper  service  of  the  meats  which  are  to  gayly 


attib 


^ 

cover    the    cloth    and    enrich    this    always    pleasant 
repast. 

In  a  general  way  the  same  service  is  proper  at  a 
supper  as  at  a  dinner,  with  the  single  exception  of  the 
soup-plates.  Oysters  on  the  half  -shell  and  bouillon 
served  in  cups  are  the  first  two  courses.  If  a  hot  sup- 
per is  served,  the  usual  dishes  are  sweetbreads,  with 
green  pease,  cotelettes  a  la  financiere,  and  some  sort  of 
game  in  season,  such  as  reed-birds  in  autumn,  canvas- 
back  ducks,  venison,  or  woodcock;  salads  of  every 
kind  are  in  order,  and  are  often  served  with  the  game. 
Then  ices  and  fruit  follow. 

There  is,  of  course,  the  informal  supper,  at  which 
the  dishes  are  all  placed  on  a  table  together,  as  for  a 
supper  at  a  large  ball.  Meats,  dressed  salmon,  chicken 
croquettes,  salads,  jellies,  and  ices  are  a  part  of  the 
alarming  mixture  of  which  a  guest  is  expected  to 
partake,  with  only  such  discrimination  as  may  be 
dictated  by  prudence  or  inclination.  But  this  is  not 
the  "sit-down,"  elegant  supper  so  worthy  to  be  re- 
vived, with  its  courses  and  its  etiquette  and  its  brill- 
iant conversation,  which  was  the  delight  of  our  grand- 
mothers. 

A  large  centre-piece  of  flowers,  with  fruit  and  can- 
dies in  glass  compotiers,  and  high  forms  of  nougat,  and 
other  sugar  devices,  are  suitable  standards  for  an  ele- 
gant supper-table.  Three  sorts  of  wine  may  be  placed 
on  the  table  in  handsome  decanters  —  claret,  sherry  or 
Madeira,  and  Burgundy.  The  guests  find  oysters  on 
the  half  -shell,  with  little  fish-forks,  all  ready  for  them, 

158 


or  oyster  cocktails — i.e. ,  dressed  with  catsup  in  a  glass. 
The  napkin  and  bread  are  laid  at  the  side  or  in  front 
of  each  plate.  These  plates  being  removed,  other 
plain  plates  are  put  in  their  place,  and  cups  of  bouillon 
are  served,  with  gold  teaspoons.  This  course  passed, 
other  plates  are  put  before  the  guest,  and  some  chicken 
croquettes  or  lobster  farci  is  passed.  Sherry  or  Madeira 
should  already  have  been  served  with  the  oysters. 
With  the  third  course  iced  champagne  is  offered.  Then 
follow  game,  or  fried  oysters,  salads,  and  a  slice  of 
pate  de  foie  gras,  with  perhaps  tomato  salad;  and  sub- 
sequently ices,  jellies,  fruit,  and  coffee,  and  for  the 
gentlemen  a  glass  of  brandy  or  cordial.  Each  course 
is  taken  away  before  the  next  is  presented.  Birds  and 
salad  are  served  together. 

There  is  a  much  simpler  supper  possible,  which  is. 
often  offered  by  a  hospitable  hostess  after  the  opera 
or  theatre.  It  consists  of  a  few  oysters,  a  pair  of  cold 
roast  chickens,  a  dish  of  lobster  or  plain  salad,  with 
perhaps  a  glass  of  champagne,  and  one  sort  of  ice- 
cream, and  involves  very  little  trouble  or  expense. 
There  should  be,  however,  the  same  etiquette  as  to 
the  changing  of  plates,  knives,  and  forks,  etc.,  as  in 
the  more  elaborate  meal. 

The  good  housekeeper  who  gives  a  supper  every 
evening  to  her  hungry  family  may  learn  many  an 
appetizing  device  by  reading  English  books  of  cook- 
ery on  this  subject.  A  hashed  dish  of  the  meat  left, 
from  dinner,  garnished  with  parsley,  a  potato  salad, 
a  few  slices  of  cold  corned-beef  or  ham,  some  pickled 


attft  jfrarial 


tongues,  bread,  butter,  and  cheese,  with  ale  or  cider, 
is  the  supper  offered  at  nearly  every  English  house  in 
the  country. 

The  silver  and  glass,  the  china  and  the  fruit,  should 
be  as  carefully  attended  to  as  for  a  dinner,  and  every- 
thing should  be  as  neat  and  as  elegant  as  possible, 
even  at  an  informal  supper. 

Oysters,  that  universal  food  of  the  American,  are  in- 
valuable for  a  supper.  Fried  oysters  diffuse  a  dis- 
agreeable odor  through  the  house,  therefore  they  are 
not  as  convenient  in  a  private  dwelling  as  creamed 
oysters,  which  send  forth  no  odor  when  cooking. 
Broiled,  oysters  are  very  delicate,  and  are  a  favorite 
dish  at  an  informal  supper.  Broiled  birds  and  broiled 
bones  are  great  delicacies,  but  they  must  be  prepared 
by  a  very  good  cook.  Chicken  in  various  forms  — 
hashed,  fried,  cold,  or  in  salad  —  is  useful;  veal  may  be 
utilized  for  all  these  things,  if  chicken  is  not  forth- 
coming. The  delicately  treated  chicken  livers  also 
make  a  very  good  dish,  and  mushrooms  on  toast  are 
perfect  in  their  season.  Hot  vegetables  are  never 
served,  except  green  pease  with  some  other  dish. 

Beef,  except  in  the  form  of  a  fillet,  is  never  seen 
at  a  "sit-down"  supper,  and  even  a  fillet  is  rather 
too  heavy.  Lobster  in  every  form  is  a  favorite  sup- 
per delicacy,  and  grouse,  snipe,  woodcock,  teal,  can- 
vas-back, and  squab  on  toast,  are  always  in  or- 
der. 

In  these  days  of  Italian  warehouses  and  imported 
delicacies,  the  pressed  and  jellied  meats,  pdt£s,  sau- 

160 


sages,  and  spiced  tongues  furnish  a  variety  for  a  cold 
supper.  No  supper  is  perfect  without  a  salad. 

The  doctors,  as  we  have  said,  condemn  a  late  sup- 
per, but  the  pros  and  cons  of  this  subject  admit  of 
discussion.  Every  one,  indeed,  must  decide  for  him- 
self. Few  people  can  undergo  excitement  of  an  even- 
ing— an  opera  or  play  or  concert,  or  even  the  pleasant 
conversation  of  an  evening  party — without  feeling 
hungry.  With  many,  if  such  an  appetite  is  not  ap- 
peased it  will  cause  sleeplessness.  To  eat  lightly  and 
to  drink  lightly  at  supper  is  a  natural  instinct  with 
people  if  they  expect  to  go  to  bed  at  once;  but  ex- 
citement is  a  great  aid  to  digestion,  and  a  heavy  sup- 
per sometimes  gives  no  inconvenience. 

The  supper  being  a  meal  purely  of  luxury  should 
be  very  dainty.  Everything  should  be  tasteful  and 
appetizing;  the  wines  should  be  excellent,  the  claret 
not  too  cool,  the  champagne  frappe,  or  almost  so,  the 
Madeira  and  the  port  the  temperature  of  the  room, 
and  the  sherry  cool.  If  punch  is  served,  it  should  be 
at  the  end  of  the  supper.  At  small,  unpretentious 
suppers,  as  at  card-parties,  supper  is  often  served  at 
small  tables,  exactly  as  it  would  be  at  a  single  large 
one,  each  table  having  its  own  decorations;  but  this 
requires  very  large  rooms,  and  is  much  trouble. 

Many  indulgent  hostesses  now  allow  young  gentle- 
men to  smoke  a  cigarette  at  the  supper-table,  after 
the  eating  and  drinking  is  at  an  end,  rather  than 
break  up  the  delicious  flow  of  conversation  which  at 
the  close  of  a  supper  seems  to  be  at  its  best.  This, 

161 


JHattntrs  anfr  Mortal  Usages 


however,  should  not  be  done  unless  every  lady  at  the 
table  acquiesces,  as  the  smell  of  tobacco  -  smoke  is 
offensive  to  some  persons. 

Suppers  at  balls,  dances,  and  evening  receptions  in- 
clude now  all  sorts  of  cold  and  hot  dishes,  even  a 
haunch  of  venison,  and  a  fillet  of  beef  with  truffles; 
a  cold  salmon  dressed  with  a  green  sauce;  oysters  in 
every  form  except  raw  —  they  are  not  served  at  balls; 
salads  of  every  description;  boned  and  truffled  turkey 
and  chicken  ;  pdtes  of  game  ;  cold  partridges  and  grouse  ; 
pdte  de  foie  gras;  our  American  specialty,  hot  canvas- 
back  duck;  and  the  Baltimore  turtle,  terrapin,  oyster 
and  game  patties;  bonbons,  ices,  biscuits,  creams, 
jellies,  and  fruits,  with  champagne,  and  sometimes,  of 
later  years,  claret  and  Moselle  cup,  and  champagne- 
cup  —  beverages  which  were  not  until  lately  known  in 
America,  except  at  gentlemen's  clubs  and  on  board 
yachts,  but  which  are  very  agreeable  mixtures,  and 
gaining  in  favor.  Every  lady  should  know  how  to 
mix  cup,  as  it  is  convenient  both  for  supper  and  lawn- 
tennis  parties,  and  is  preferable  in  its  effects  to  the 
heavier  article  so  common  at  parties  —  punch. 


CHAPTER  XIX 

MATINEES    AND    SOIREES 

MATINEE  in  America  means  an  afternoon 
performance  at  the  theatre  of  a  play  or  opera. 
In  Europe  it  has  a  wider  significance,  any 
social  gathering  before  dinner  in  France  being 
called  a  matine'e,  as  any  party  after  dinner  is 
called  a  soire'e. 
The  improper  application  of  another  foreign  word 
was  strikingly  manifested  in  the  old  fashion  of  calling 
the  President's  evening  receptions  levies.  The  term 
"lever,"  as  originally  used,  meant  literally  a  king's 
getting  up.  When  he  arose,  and  while  he  was  dress- 
ing, such  of  his  courtiers  as  were  privileged  to  ap- 
proach him  at  this  hour  gathered  in  an  anteroom — 
waiting  to  assist  at  his  toilet,  to  wish  him  good-morn- 
ing, or  perhaps  prefer  a  request.  In  time  this  morn- 
ing gathering  grew  to  be  an  important  court  cere- 
monial, and  some  one  ignorant  of  the  meaning  of  the 
word  named  President  Jackson's  evening  receptions 
"the  President's  levees."  So  with  the  word  matine'e. 
First  used  to  indicate  a  day  reception  at  court,  it  has 
now  grown  to  mean  a  day  performance  at  a  theatre. 
Sometimes  a  lady,  bolder  than  her  neighbors,  issues 

163 


attil  burial 


an  invitation  for  a  '  '  matinee  dansante  "or  a  '  '  matinee 
musicale"  but  this  descriptive  style  is  not  common. 

For  a  busy  woman  of  fashion  nothing  can  be  more 
conveniently  timed  than  a  matinee,  which  begins  at 
two  and  ends  at  four  or  half-past.  It  does  not  inter- 
fere with  a  five-o'clock  tea  or  a  drive  in  the  park,  nor 
unfit  her  for  a  dinner  or  an  evening  entertainment. 
Two  o'clock  is  also  a  very  good  hour  for  a  large  and 
informal  general  lunch,  if  a  lady  wishes  to  avoid  the 
expense,  formality,  and  trouble  of  a  "sit-down" 
lunch. 

While  the  busy  ladies  can  go  to  a  matine'e,  the  busy 
gentlemen  cannot;  and  as  men  of  leisure  in  America 
are  few,  a  morning  entertainment  at  a  theatre  or  in 
society  is  almost  always  an  assemblage  of  women. 
To  avoid  this  inequality  of  sex,  many  ladies  have  their 
matinees  on  some  one  of  the  national  holidays  —  Wash- 
ington's Birthday,  Thanksgiving,  or  Decoration  Day. 
On  these  occasions  a  matinee,  even  in  busy  New  York, 
is  well  attended  by  gentlemen. 

When,  as  sometimes  happens,  a  prince,  a  duke,  an 
archbishop,  an  author  of  celebrity,  or  some  descendant 
of  our  French  allies  at  Yorktown,  comes  on  a  visit 
to  our  country,  one  of  the  most  satisfactory  forms  of 
entertainment  that  we  can  offer  to  him  is  a  morning 
reception.  At  an  informal  matine'e  we  may  bring  to 
meet  him  such  authors,  artists,  clergymen,  lawyers, 
editors,  statesmen,  rich  and  public-spirited  citizens, 
and  beautiful  and  cultivated  women  of  society,  as  we 
may  be  fortunate  enough  to  know. 

164 


attfo 


The  primary  business  of  society  is  to  bring  together 
the  various  elements  of  which  it  is  made  up  —  its 
strongest  motive  should  be  to  lighten  up  the  momen- 
tous business  of  life  by  an  easy  and  friendly  inter- 
course and  interchange  of  ideas. 

But  if  we  hope  to  bring  about  us  men  of  mind  and 
distinction,  our  object  must  be  not  only  to  be  amused, 
but  to  amuse. 

Such  men  are  not  tempted  by  the  frivolities  of  a 
fashionable  social  life  that  lives  by  its  vanity,  its 
excitement,  its  rivalry  and  flirtation.  Not  that  all 
fashionable  society  is  open  to  such  reproach,  but  its 
tendency  is  to  lightness  and  emptiness;  and  we  rare- 
ly find  really  valuable  men  who  seek  it.  Therefore, 
a  lady  who  would  make  her  house  attractive  to  the 
best  society  must  offer  it  something  higher  than 
that  to  which  we  may  give  the  generic  title  fashion. 
Dress,  music,  dancing,  supper  are  delightful  acces- 
sories —  they  are  ornaments  and  stimulants,  not  req- 
uisites. For  a  good  society  we  need  men  and  wom- 
en who  are  "good  company,"  as  they  say  in  England 
—  men  and  women  who  can  talk.  Nor  is  the  advan- 
tage all  on  one  side.  The  free  play  of  brain,  taste, 
and  feeling  is  a  most  important  refreshment  to  a 
man  who  works  hard,  whether  in  the  pulpit  or  in 
Wall  Street,  in  the  editorial  chair  or  at  the  dull  grind 
of  authorship.  The  painter  should  wash  his  brushes 
and  strive  for  some  intercourse  of  abiding  value  with 
those  whose  lives  differ  from  his  own.  The  woman 
who  works  should  also  look  upon  the  amusements  of 

165 


anis  Serial 


-SSHJHJHJHgHSKgHJHlHiH^^ 

society  as  needed  recreation,  fruitful,  it  may  be,  of  the 
best  culture. 

On  the  other  hand,  no  society  is  perfect  without  the 
elements  of  beauty,  grace,  taste,  refinement,  and  lux- 
ury. We  must  bring  all  these  varied  potentialities 
together  if  we  would  have  a  real  and  living  social 
life.  For  that  brilliant  thing  that  we  call  society  is 
<a  finely  woven  fabric  of  threads  of  different  sizes  and 
colors  of  contrasting  shades.  It  is  not  intrigue,  or 
the  display  of  wealth,  or  morbid  excitement  that 
must  bind  together  this  social  fabric,  but  sympathy, 
that  pleasant  thing  which  refines  and  refreshes,  "knits 
up  the  ravelled  sleeve  of  care,"  and  leaves  us  strong 
for  the  battle  of  life. 

And  in  no  modern  form  of  entertainment  can  we 
better  produce  this  finer  atmosphere,  this  desirable 
sympathy  between  the  world  of  fashion  and  that  of 
thought,  than  by  matine'es,  when  given  under  fa- 
vorable circumstances.  To  be  sure,  if  we  gave  one 
every  day  it  would  be  necessary,  as  we  have  said,  to 
dispense  with  a  large  number  of  gentlemen;  but  the 
occasional  matine'e  is  apt  to  catch  some  very  good 
specimens  of  the  genus  homo,  and  sometimes  the  best 
specimens.  It  is  proper  to  offer  a  very  substantial 
buffet,  as  people  rarely  lunch  before  two  o'clock,  and 
will  be  glad  of  a  bit  of  bird,  a  cup  of  bouillon,  or  a 
plate  of  salad.  It  is  much  better  to  offer  such  an  en- 
tertainment earlier  than  the  five-o'clock  tea,  at  which 
hour  people  are  saving  their  appetites  for  dinner. 

A  soiree  is  a  far  more  difficult  affair,  and  calls  for 
166 


more  subtle  treatment.  It  should  be,  not  a  ball,  but 
what  was  formerly  called  an  "evening  party."  It 
need  not  exclude  dancing,  but  dancing  is  not  its  ex- 
cuse for  being.  It  means  a  very  bright  conversazione, 
or  a  reading,  or  a  musicale,  with  pretty  evening  dress 
(not  necessarily  ball  dress),  a  supper,  and  early  hours. 
Such,  at  least,  was  its  early  significance  abroad. 

We  have  plenty  of  hostesses  who  can  give  great  balls, 
dazzle  the  eye,  and  delight  the  senses,  drown  us  in  a 
sensuous  luxury;  but  how  few  there  are  who,  in  a  back 
street  and  in  a  humble  house,  light  that  lamp  by  which 
the  Misses  Berry  summoned  to  their  little  parlor  the 
cleverest  and  best  people! 

The  elegant,  the  unpretentious,  the  quiet  soiree  to 
which  the  woman  of  fashion  shall  welcome  the  literary 
man  and  the  artist,  the  aristocrat  who  is  at  the  top 
of  the  social  tree  and  the  millionaire  .who  reached  his 
culmination  yesterday,  would  seem  to  be  that  Ultima 
Thule  for  which  all  people  have  been  sighing  ever 
since  society  was  first  thought  of.  There  are  some 
Americans  who  are  so  foolish  as  to  affect  the  pride 
of  the  hereditary  aristocracies,  and  who  have  some 
fancied  traditional  standard  by  which  they  think  to 
keep  their  blue  blood  pure.  A  good  old  grandfather 
who  had  talent,  or  patriotism,  or  broad  views  of  states- 
manship, "who  did  the  state  some  service,"  is  a  rela- 
tion to  be  proud  of,  but  his  descendants  should  take 
care  to  show,  by  some  more  personal  excellence  than 
that  of  a  social  exclusiveness,  their  appreciation  of  his 
honesty  and  ability. 

167 


iflannrrs  attft  jfrattal 


<|H§Hfr^3HM"i"l"g"3^^ 

It  is  said  that  all  women  are  born  aristocrats,  and 
it  is  sometimes  said  in  the  same  tone  with  which 
the  speaker  afterwards  adds  that  all  women  are  born 
fools.  A  woman,  from  her  finer  sense,  enjoys  luxury, 
fine  clothing,  gorgeous  houses,  and  all  the  refinements 
that  money  can  buy;  but  even  the  most  idle  and  lux- 
urious and  foolish  woman  desires  that  higher  luxury 
which  art  and  intelligence  and  delicate  appreciation 
can  alone  bring;  the  two  are  necessary  to  each  other. 
To  a  hostess  the  difficulty  of  entertaining  in  such  a 
manner  as  to  unite  in  a  perfect  whole  the  financiers, 
the  philosophers,  the  cultivated  foreigners,  the  people 
of  fashion,  the  sympathetic  and  the  artistic  is  very 
great;  but  a  hostess  may  bring  about  the  most  genial 
democracy  at  the  modern  matine'e  or  soire'e  if  she  man- 
ages properly. 

What  we  once  called  a  soire'e  has  become  nowadays 
the  meeting  of  a  club.  Thus  we  have  the  Thursday- 
Evening  Club,  the  College-Women's  Club,  the  Musical 
Club,  the  Whist  Club,  and  the  Talking  Club.  It  is  real- 
ly the  same  rather  festive  evening  party,  particularly 
the  Drawing-Room  Club.  At  these,  evening  dress  is 
prescribed.  The  entertainment  often  occurs  at  some 
public  place,  like  Sherry's  or  Delmonico's.  The  ad- 
vantage of  these  occasions  is  that  our  busy  men  can 
attend  them,  and  the  early  hour  and  simple  supper 
should  be  obligatory. 


CHAPTER  XX 


CHRISTENING    CEREMONIES 

ORMERLY  the  persons  who  called  to  con- 
gratulate the  happy  possessor  of  a  new  boy 
or  girl  were  offered  mulled  wine  and  plum- 
cake.  Some  early  chronicler  thinks  that 
the  two  got  mixed,  and  that  caudle  was  the 
result. 

Certain  it  is  that  a  most  delicious  beverage,  a  kind 
of  oatmeal  gruel,  boiled  "two  days,"  with  raisins  and 
spices,  and  fine  old  Madeira  (some  say  rum)  added, 
makes  a  dish  fit  to  set  before  a  king,  and  is  offered 
now  to  the  callers  by  a  young  mamma.  The  old 
English  custom  was  to  have  this  beverage  served 
three  days  after  the  arrival  of  the  little  stranger. 
The  caudle-cups,  preserved  in  many  an  old  family, 
are  now  eagerly  sought  after  as  curiosities;  they  have 
two  handles,  so  they  could  be  passed  from  one  to 
another.  They  were  handed  down  as  heirlooms  when 
these  caudle-parties  were  more  fashionable  than  they 
have  been  until  a  recent  date.  Now  there  is  a  de- 
cided idea  of  reintroducing  them.  In  those  days  the 
newly  made  papa  also  entertained  his  friends  with  a 
stag-party,  when  bachelors  and  also  Benedicts  were 

169 


anft  Mortal 


<gHHH|H3HgHSH|H$HSH|^^ 

invited  to  eat  buttered  toast,  which  was  sugared  and 
spread  in  a  mighty  punch-bowl,  over  which  boiling- 
hot  beer  was  poured.  After  the  punch-bowl  was  emp- 
tied, each  guest  placed  a  piece  of  money  in  the  bowl 
for  the  nurse.  Strong  ale  was  brewed,  and  a  pipe  of 
wine  laid  by  to  be  drunk  on  the  majority  of  the  child. 

This  greasy  mess  is  fortunately  now  extinct,  but 
the  caudle,  a  really  delicious  dish  or  drink,  is  the  fash- 
ion again.  It  is  generally  offered  when  master  or 
miss  is  about  six  weeks  old,  and  mamma  receives  her 
friends  for  the  first  time  since  the  increase  in  her 
family.  The  baby  is,  of  course,  shown,  but  not  much 
handled.  Some  parents  have  the  christening  and  the 
caudle-party  together,  but  of  this,  it  is  said,  the  Church 
does  not  approve. 

The  selection  of  godparents  is  always  a  delicate 
task.  It  is  a  very  great  compliment,  of  course,  to  ask 
any  one  to  stand  in  this  relation,  highly  regarded  in 
England,  but  not  so  much  thought  of  here.  For- 
merly there  were  always  two  godfathers  and  two 
godmothers,  generally  chosen  from  friends  and  rela- 
tions, who  were  expected  to  watch  over  the  religious 
education  of  the  young  child,  and  to  see  that  he  was, 
in  due  time,  confirmed.  In  all  old  countries  this  re- 
lationship lasts  through  life,  kindly  help  and  counsel 
being  given  to  the  child  by  the  godfather  —  even  to 
adoption  in  many  instances,  should  the  parents  die. 
But  in  our  new  country,  with  the  absence  of  an  es- 
tablished church,  and  with  our  belief  in  the  power 
of  every  man  to  take  care  of  himself,  this  beautiful 

170 


relationship  has  been  neglected.  We  are  glad  to  see 
that  it  is  being  renewed,  and  that  people  are  thinking 
more  of  these  time-honored  connections. 

After  a  birth,  friends  and  acquaintances  should  call 
and  send  in  their  cards,  or  send  them  by  their  servants, 
with  kind  inquiries.  When  the  mother  is  ready  to 
see  her  friends,  she  should,  if  she  wishes,  signify  that 
time  by  sending  out  cards  for  a  "caudle-party."  But 
let  her  be  rather  deliberate  about  this,  unless  she  has 
a  mother,  or  aunt,  or  sister  to  take  all  the  trouble  for 
her. 

The  godfather  and  godniother  generally  give  some 
little  present;  a  silver  cup  or  porringer,  knife,  fork, 
and  spoon,  silver  basin,  coral  tooth-cutter,  or  coral 
and  bells,  were  the  former  gifts;  but  nowadays  we 
hear  of  one  wealthy  godfather  who  left  a  check  for 
one  hundred  thousand  dollars  in  the  baby's  cradle  ;  and 
it  is  not  unusual  for  those  who  can  do  so  to  make  some 
very  valuable  investment  for  the  child,  particularly  if 
he  bears  the  name  of  the  godfather. 

Some  people  —  indeed,  most  people  —  take  their  chil- 
dren to  church  to  be  baptized,  and  then  give  a  lunch- 
eon at  home  afterwards,  to  which  all  are  invited,  es- 
pecially the  officiating  clergyman  and  his  wife,  as  well 
as  the  sponsors.  The  presents  should  be  given  at  this 
time.  Old-fashioned  people  give  the  baby  some  salt 
and  an  egg  for  good  luck,  and  are  particular  that  he 
should  be  carried  up-stairs  before  he  is  carried  down, 
and  that  when  he  goes  out  first  he  shall  be  carried  to 
the  house  of  some  near  and  dear  relative. 

171 


JBatmgrg  anft  Mortal 


^^ 

For  the  honor  of  being  a  godfather  one  receives  a 
note  in  the  first  person,  asking  that  one  will  assume 
that  kindly  office,  and  also  mentioning  the  fact  that 
the  name  will  be  so-and-so. 

The  baby  at  his  christening  is  shown  off  in  a  splen- 
did robe,  very  much  belaced  and  embroidered,  and  it 
is  to  be  feared  that  it  is  a  day  of  disturbance  for  him. 
Babies  should  not  be  too  much  excited;  a  quiet  and 
humdrum  existence,  a  not  too  showy  nurse,  and  reg- 
ular hours  are  conducive  to  a  good  constitution  for 
a  little  child. 

Fashionable  mammas  who  give  caudle-parties  should 
remember  that  in  our  harsh  climate  maternity  is  be- 
set by  much  feebleness  as  to  nerves  in  both  mother 
and  child;  therefore  a  long  seclusion  in  the  nursery  is 
advised  before  the  dangerous  period  of  entertaining 
one's  friends  begins.  Let  the  caudle-party  wait,  and 
the  christening  be  done  quietly  in  one's  own  bedroom, 
if  the  infant  is  feeble.  Show  off  the  young  stranger  at 
a  later  date:  an  ounce  of  prevention  of  illness  is  worth 
a  pound  of  cure. 


CHAPTER    XXI 


GARDEN-PARTIES 

ANY  persons  ask,  "What  shall  we  order  for 
a  garden-party?"  We  must  answer  that  the 
first  thing  to  order  is  a  fine  day.  In  these 
fortunate  days  the  morning  revelations  of 
Old  Probabilities  give  us  an  almost  exact 
knowledge  of  what  of  rain  or  sunshine  the 
uture  has  in  store. 

A  rain  or  tornado  which  starts  from  Alaska,  where 
the  weather  is  made  nowadays,  will  almost  certainly 
be  here  on  the  third  day;  so  the  hostess  who  is  will- 
ing to  send  a  hasty  bidding  can  perhaps  avoid  rain. 
It  is  the  custom,  however,  to  send  invitations  for  these 
garden-parties  a  fortnight  before  they  are  to  occur. 
At  Newport  they  are  arranged  weeks  beforehand, 
and  if  the  weather  is  bad  the  entertainment  takes 
place  in-doors. 

When  invitations  are  given  to  a  suburban  place  to 
which  people  are  expected  to  go  by  rail  or  any  public 
means  of  conveyance,  a  card  should  also  be  sent  stat- 
ing the  hours  at  which  trains  leave,  which  train  or 
boat  to  take,  and  any  other  information  that  may  add 
to  the  comfort  of  the  guest.  These  invitations  are 


Manners  attb  §>nrtal 


engraved  on  note-paper,  which  should  be  perfectly  plain, 
or  bear  the  family  crest,  and  read  somewhat  as  follows: 

Mrs    Edwin  Smith 

requests  the  pleasure  of 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Conway  Brown's 

company  at  a  Garden  Party  on  Tuesday,  the  thirtieth  of  July 

at  four  o'clock 
Yonkers,  New  York 

Then,  on  the  card  enclosed,  might  be  printed: 
Carriages  will  meet  the  J.JO  train  from  Grand  Central  Depot 

If  the  invitation  is  to  a  country  place  not  easy  of 
access,  still  more  explicit  directions  should  be  given. 

The  garden-party  proper  is  always  held  entirely  in 
the  open  air.  In  England  the  refreshments  are  served 
under  a  marqitee  in  the  grounds,  and  in  that  inclem- 
ent clime  no  one  seems  to  think  it  a  hardship  if  a 
shower  of  rain  comes  down  and  ruins  fine  silks  and 
beautiful  bonnets.  But  in  our  fine,  sunshiny  land  we 
are  very  much  afraid  of  rain,  and  our  malarious  soil 
is  not  considered  always  safe,  so  that  the  thoughtful 
hostess  often  has  her  table  in-doors,  piazzas  filled  with 
chairs,  Turkish  rugs  laid  down  on  the  grass,  and  every 
preparation  made  that  the  elderly  and  timid  and  rheu- 
matic may  enjoy  the  garden-party  without  endanger- 
ing their  health. 

A  hostess  should  see  that  her  lawn-tennis  ground  is 
in  order,  the  lawn-tennis  laid  out,  and  the  archery 
tools  all  in  place,  so  that  her  guests  may  amuse  them- 

174 


selves  with  these  different  games.  Sometimes  balls  and 
races  are  added  to  these  amusements,  and  often  a  plat- 
form is  laid  for  dancing,  if  the  turf  be  not  sufficiently 
dry.  A  band  of  musicians  is  essential  to  a  very  elegant 
and  successful  garden-party,  and  a  varied  selection  of 
music,  grave  and  gay,  should  be  rendered.  Although 
at  a  dinner-party  there  is  reason  to  fear  that  an  or- 
chestra may  be  a  nuisance,  at  a  garden-party  the  open 
air  and  space  are  sufficient  guarantees  against  this 
danger. 

If  the  hostess  wishes  her  entertainment  to  be  served 
out-of-doors,  of  course  all  the  dishes  must  be  cold. 
Salads,  cold  birds,  ham,  and  tongue;  pdte  de  joie  gras, 
cold  pdtts,  and  salmon  dressed  with  a  green  sauce; 
jellies,  charlottes,  ices,  cakes,  punch,  and  champagne, 
are  sometimes  offered,  although  it  is  fashionable  now 
to  serve  only  light  refreshments,  such  as  are  given  at 
an  afternoon  reception — tea,  coffee,  ices,  sandwiches, 
cake,  bonbons,  grapes,  and  peaches.  The  heavy  late 
dinner  makes  people  prefer  a  light  collation  in  the 
afternoon.  A  cup  of  hot  tea  should  be  always  ready 
in  the  house  for  those  who  desire  it. 

At  a  garden-party  proper  the  hostess  receives  out  on 
the  lawn,  wearing  her  hat,  and  takes  it  for  granted  that 
the  party  will  be  entirely  out-of-doors.  The  carriages, 
however,  drive  up  to  the  door,  and  the  ladies  can  go 
up-stairs  and  deposit  their  wraps  and  brush  off  the  dust, 
if  they  wish.  A  servant  should  be  in  attendance  to 
show  the  guests  to  that  part  of  the  grounds  in  which  the 
lady  is  receiving. 
12  175 


an  ft  Mortal 


At  Newport  these  parties  are  generally  conducted 
on  the  principle  of  an  afternoon  tea,  and  after  the 
mistress  of  the  house  has  received  her  guests  they 
wander  through  the  grounds,  and,  when  weary,  return 
to  the  house  or  piazza  for  refreshment.  A  little  play  is 
sometimes  given  under  the  trees,  by  amateur  actors,  or 
a  palmist  is  in  attendance,  who  tells  fortunes  by  reading 
the  lines  of  the  hand. 

There  is  a  sort  of  public  garden  -  party  in  this 
country  which  prevails  on  semiofficial  occasions, 
such  as  the  laying  of  a  foundation  -  stone  for  a 
public  building,  the  birthday  of  a  prominent  indi- 
vidual, a  Sunday  -  school  festival,  or  an  entertain- 
ment given  to  a  public  functionary.  These  are 
banquets,  and  for  them  the  invitations  are  some- 
what general,  and  should  be  officially  issued.  For 
the  private  garden  -  party  it  is  proper  for  a  lady 
to  ask  for  an  invitation  for  a  friend,  as  there  is 
always  plenty  of  room;  but  it  should  also  be  observed 
that,  where  this  request  is  not  answered  affirma- 
tively, offence  should  not  be  taken.  It  is  sometimes 
very  difficult  for  a  lady  to  understand  why  her 
request  for  an  invitation  to  her  friend  is  refused;  but 
she  should  never  take  the  refusal  as  a  discourtesy  to 
herself.  There  may  be  reasons  which  cannot  be  ex- 
plained. 

Ladies  always  wear  hats  at  a  garden-party,  and 
pretty  light  dresses  of  some  thin  material. 

England  is  the  land  for  garden-parties,  with  its 
turf  of  velvet  softness,  its  flowing  lime-trees,  its  splen- 

176 


did  old  oaks,  and  its  finished  landscape  gardening. 
There  are  but  few  places  as  yet  in  America  which 
afford  the  clipped-box  avenues,  the  arcades  of  blossom- 
ing rose- vines,  the  pleached  alleys,  the  finely  kept  and 
perfect  gravel-walks,  or,  better  than  all,  the  quiet, 
old-fashioned  gardens,  down  which  the  ladies  may  walk, 
rivals  of  the  flowers. 

But  there  are  some  such  places;  and  a  green  lawn, 
a  few  trees,  a  good  prospect,  a  fine  day,  and  some- 
thing to  eat  are  really  all  the  absolute  requirements 
for  a  garden-party.  In  the  neighborhood  of  New 
York  very  charming  garden-parties  have  been  given: 
at  the  Brooklyn  Navy-yard  and  the  camp  of  the  sol- 
dier, at  the  headquarters  of  the  officers  of  marines, 
and  at  the  ever-lovely  Governor's  Island. 

Up  the  Hudson,  out  at  Orange  (with  its  multitudi- 
nous pretty  settlements),  all  along  the  coast  of  Long 
Island,  the  garden-party  is  almost  imperatively  nec- 
essary. The  owner  of  a  fine  place  is  expected  to  al- 
low the  unfortunates  who  must  stay  in  town  at  least 
one  sniff  of  his  roses  and  new-mown  hay. 

Lawn-tennis  has  had  a  great  share  in  making  the 
garden-party  popular;  and  in  remote  country  places 
ladies  should  learn  how  to  give  these  parties  and,  with 
very  little  trouble,  make  the  most  of  our  fine  climate. 
There  is  no  doubt  that  a  little  awkwardness  is  to  be 
overcome  in  the  beginning,  for  no  one  knows  exactly 
what  to  do.  Deprived  of  the  friendly  shelter  of  a 
house,  guests  wander  forlornly  about;  but  a  graceful 
and  ready  hostess  will  soon  suggest  that  a  croquet 

177 


fflaunera  att&  Mortal 


or  lawn-tennis  party  be  formed,  or  that  a  contest  at 
archery  be  entered  upon,  or  that  even  a  card-party 
is  in  order,  or  that  a  game  of  checkers  can  be  played 
under  the  trees. 

Servants  should  be  taught  to  preserve  the  proprie- 
ties of  the  feast,  if  the  meal  be  served  under  the  trees. 
There  should  be  no  piles  of  dishes,  knives,  forks,  or 
spoons  visible  on  the  green  grass;  baskets  should  be 
in  readiness  to  carry  off  everything  as  soon  as  used. 
There  should  be  a  sufficient  quantity  of  glass  and 
china  in  use,  and  plenty  of  napkins,  so  that  there  need 
be  no  delay.  The  lemonade  and  punch  bowls  should 
be  replenished  from  the  dining-room  as  soon  as  they 
show  signs  of  depletion,  and  a  set  of  neat  maid-ser- 
vants can  be  advantageously  employed  in  watching 
the  table,  and  seeing  that  the  cups,  spoons,  plates, 
wineglasses,  and  forks  are  in  sufficient  quantity  and 
clean.  If  tea  is  served,  maid-servants  are  better  than 
men,  as  they  are  careful  that  the  tea  is  hot  and  the 
spoons,  cream,  and  sugar  forthcoming.  Fruit  is  an 
agreeable  addition  to  a  garden-party  entertainment, 
and  pines,  melons,  peaches,  grapes,  strawberries  are 
all  served  in  their  season.  Pains  should  be  taken  to 
have  these  fruits  of  the  very  best  that  can  be  obtained. 

Claret-cup,  champagne  -  cup,  soda-water,  brandy, 
and  shandy-gaff  are  provided  on  a  separate  table  for 
the  gentlemen;  Apollinaris  water,  and  the  various 
aerated  waters  so  fashionable  now,  are  also  provided. 
Although  gentlemen  help  themselves,  it  is  necessary 
to  have  a  servant  in  attendance  to  remove  the  wine- 

178 


glasses,  tumblers,  and  goblets  as  they  are  used,  to 
replenish  the  decanters  and  pitchers  as  they  are  emp- 
tied, and  to  supply  fresh  glasses.  Some  hospitable 
hosts  offer  their  guests  old  Madeira,  sherry,  and  port. 

The  decanters  are  placed  on  the  regular  luncheon- 
table,  and  glasses  of  wine  are  carried  by  servants, 
on  silver  trays,  to  the  ladies  who  are  sitting  on  the 
piazzas  and  under  the  trees.  Small,  thin  tumblers  or 
glass  cups  are  used  for  the  claret  and  champagne  cup, 
which  should  be  held  in  silver  or  glass  pitchers. 

If  strawberries  and  cream  are  served,  a  small  napkin 
should  be  put  between  the  saucer  and  plate,  and  a 
dessert  spoon  and  fork  handed  with  each  plate. 

The  servants  who  carry  about  refreshments  from 
the  tent  or  the  table  where  they  are  served  should  be 
warned  to  be  very  careful  in  this  part  of  the  service, 
as  many  a  fine  gown  has  been  spoiled  by  a  dish  of 
strawberries  and  cream  or  a  glass  of  punch  or  lem- 
onade being  overturned  through  a  servant's  want  of 
care. 

Ices  are  now  served  at  garden-parties  in  small  pa- 
per cups  placed  on  plates — a  fashion  which  is  very 
neat,  and  saves  much  of  the  "  mussiness  "  that  has  here- 
tofore been  a  feature  of  these  entertainments.  Num- 
bers of  small  tables  should  be  brought  with  the  camp- 
stools,  and  placed  at  convenient  intervals,  where  the 
guests  can  deposit  their  plates. 

A  lady  should  not  use  her  handsome  glass  or  china 
at  these  out-of-door  entertainments.  The  danger  of 
breakage  is  too  great.  It  is  better  to  hire  all  the 

179 


iBauttrrg  anft  ^nrtal  flggggg 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^i 

necessary  glass,  silver,  and  china  from  the  caterer,  as 
it  saves  a  world  of  counting  and  trouble. 

No  doubt  the  garden-party  is  a  troublesome  affair, 
particularly  if  the  refreshments  are  served  out-of-doors, 
but  it  is  very  beautiful  and  very  amusing,  and  worth 
all  the  trouble.  It  may  be  just  as  pleasant,  however, 
if  the  table  is  in-doors  or  on  the  veranda. 


CHAPTER  XXII 

HOUSE-PARTIES 

T  is  only  within  a  few  years  that  the  Amer- 
ican housekeeper  has  been  able  to  attempt 
a  large  house-party,  as  this  thoroughly  Eng- 
lish institution  demands  that  the  host  live 
every  day  in  thoroughly  princely  style.  But 

since,  from  Maine  to  California,  the  American 

multi-millionaire  now  resides  in  a  palace,  and  keeps  (if 
he  can  keep  them)  a  regiment  of  servants,  the  house- 
party  is  possible.  It  means  so  much,  however,  that 
all  Americans  have  not  yet  mastered,  that  a  few 
words  as  to  the  etiquette  of  the  thing  may  well  be 
inserted  here. 

No  person  should  attempt  it  who  has  not  her  house- 
hold in  good  running  order.  There  must  be  an  accom- 
plished cook,  good  footmen  and  maids,  trained  to  parlor 
and  bedroom  work,  a  number  of  fine  horses  or  automo- 
biles, a  cellar  of  good  wine,  a  liberal  host,  and  an  ac- 
complished hostess.  Then  there  must  be  some  definite 
object  of  interest,  as  a  fine  country  for  driving  through, 
fox-hunting,  sea  air,  or  an  agreeable  neighborhood,  as 
to  dinners,  lunches,  or  picnics.  We  cannot  offer  to 
the  guests,  at  our  house-parties,  the  view  of  an  inter- 

181 


jBanttrrs  anfr  Mortal  3I0aggjg 


esting  ruin,  as  is  the  case  all  over  England  or  France, 
but  we  can  offer  them  hospitality. 

People  of  moderate  means  invite  their  friends  to 
stay  with  them  now,  as  they  always  have,  but  a  large 
house-party  given  in  the  English  style,  by  a  multi- 
millionaire, means  something  of  this  sort: 

Ten  or  twelve  congenial  couples  are  asked  for  three 
days  or  more  to  a  country-house,  whose  size  enables 
the  hostess  to  offer  to  husband  and  wife  two  bedrooms, 
a  parlor,  a  bath-room,  often  a  boudoir,  and  each  is 
asked  to  bring  a  body  -servant  —  he  a  valet  and  she 
a  maid.  Many  country-houses  in  England  contain 
twenty  or  thirty  of  these  suites. 

A  letter  is  sent  a  fortnight  in  advance,  and  the  lady 
of  the  house  keeps  a  book  in  the  following  manner: 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Morse  are  asked  from  i3th  to  iyth  July; 
from  luncheon  on  the  i3th  to  luncheon  on  the  lyth." 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Brown  asked  to  dinner  on  the  iyth,  to 
leave  before  luncheon  on  the  2oth." 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Spencer  asked  to  luncheon  on  the  2oth, 
to  remain  for  dinner  on  the  24th,  and  leave  before  luncheon 
on  the  25th,"  etc.,  etc. 

This  important  ledger  is  consulted  every  day  by 
the  housekeeper,  who  knows  when  to  have  her  rooms 
made  up  ;  and  the  host  and  hostess  keep  it  before  them 
that  they  may  remember  who  is  coming. 
<  It  is  often  the  custom  for  rich  women  in  this  country 
to  keep  a  secretary,  and  an  hour  every  day  with  this 
functionary  is  necessary  for  the  dictating  of  notes;  for 

182 


when  parties  of  twelve  ladies  with  their  husbands  and 
maids  are  expected  in  quick  rotation,  many  notes  have 
to  be  written.  In  England  this  business  is  generally 
done  by  the  lady  herself,  for  an  English  lady  of  rank 
delights  in  writing  notes,  and  does  it  so  well  that  it 
seems  to  be  second  nature  with  her. 

In  English  house-parties  the  amusing  man  is  always 
a  factor,  a  bachelor  or  a  widower  who  has  a  talent  for 
conversation,  is  not  above  making  a  pun  or  writing 
society  verses — that  individual  who  is  such  a  familiar 
friend  of  ours  through  the  modern  society  novel.  It 
is  hard  to  find  his  exact  copy  in  America. 

There  are,  however,  some  men  of  leisure  and  edu- 
cation who  can  be  depended  upon  for  a  house- 
party. 

There  are  always  clever  girls  and  married  women, 
more  or  less  emancipated,  who  can  be  depended  upon 
to  be  amusing. 

When  the  party  is  decided  upon,  the  lady  writes 
her  note,  inviting  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Percy  to  her  house  in 
Minneapolis,  or  Skaneateles,  or  Newport,  as  the  case 
may  be,  for  three  days,  or  three  weeks.  She  gives  a 
succinct  account  of  how  to  get  there — time-tables  and 
railway  trains.  Her  carriage  and  horses  meet  the  guest 
at  the  station,  and  a  wagon  for  their  traps  is  also  sent. 
On  their  arrival  at  the  house  she  should  be  there  to 
welcome  them,  or,  if  unavoidably  absent,  must  dele- 
gate a  daughter  or  a  friend  to  do  this  duty  for  her. 
Guests  are  then  aske4  if  they  will  have  a  cup  of  tea, 
or  if  they  prefer  to  go  immediately  to  their  rooms. 

183 


attb  Mortal 


<jHj*g»SH§H3H|HiHgHgHS^^ 

After  a  dusty  railroad  journey,  the  latter  is  generally 
preferred. 

,  The  guest  is  shown  to  the  apartment,  where  a  maid 
is  waiting  to  ask  if  a  hot  or  a  cold  bath  is  preferred, 
if  a  cup  of  tea  shall  be  served  in  the  room,  and  whether 
she  can  be  of  any  service.  If  the  lady  has  not  brought 
her  own  maid  this  servant  unlocks  the  trunks  and 
assists  her  to  dress. 

The  whole  company  are  expected  to  assemble  in 
full-dress  at  an  eight-o'clock  dinner. 

After  dinner  the  hostess  makes  suggestions  for  the 
following  day  —  whether  her  guests  will  have  an  early 
breakfast  of  a  cup  of  tea  and  an  egg  in  their  rooms  or 
descend  to  the  dining-room;  whether  they  will  drive 
or  ride  or  prefer  to  stay  at  home.  She  tells  them  that 
luncheon  will  be  at  one  and  dinner  at  eight.  It  is 
optional  whether  they  come  to  luncheon  or  not,  but 
obligatory  on  them  to  appear  at  dinner. 

This  settled,  the  hostess  is  not  obliged  to  appear 
until  she  pleases.  In  England  she  often  does  not  come 
down  until  luncheon.  She  sometimes  disappears  for 
nearly  the  whole  day.  But  she  is  always  at  dinner,  and 
her  guests  feel  her  influence  in  their  comfort,  and  the 
pleasant  privilege  of  being  allowed  to  order  a  pony 
phaeton,  perhaps,  and  to  drive  about  with  freedom, 
enjoying  themselves  in  their  own  way. 

An  American  hostess,  ignorant  of  the  traditions  of 
good-breeding,  once  made  the  mistake  of  leaving  her 
house,  after  she  had  invited  her  house-party,  and  stay- 
ing away  overnight,  thinking  she  was  showing  Eng- 

184 


lish  freedom.  This  was  a  terrible  piece  of  ignorance; 
for  although  an  English  hostess  may  go  off  to  her 
charity-schools  and  her  duties,  even  go  to  breakfast 
with  a  friend,  she  is  always  the  guiding  spirit  of  the 
house-party  —  never  absent  from  dinner,  and  rarely 
failing  at  luncheon  or  afternoon  tea.  Especially  is  she 
at  the  latter;  for,  indeed,  the  afternoon  tea — often 
served  out-of-doors — is  the  favorite  rallying-point  of 
Englishwomen. 

The  hunters  come  home  to  it,  the  lawn-tennis  dis- 
bands for  it,  the  riders  dismount  and  take  tea  in  their 
habits,  while  the  "stay-at-homes"  appear  as  well.  It 
is  a  delightful  picture,  often  interrupted  by  the  dinner 
dressing-bell  too  soon  for  the  person  who  is  enjoying  it. 

Cranks  and  notoriety-seekers  are  very  troublesome 
visitors.  Ill-bred  people,  who  come  before  they  are 
asked  and  will  not  go  away  when  their  visit  is  ended, 
these  are  to  be — not  asked  a  second  time. 

The  house-party  is  a  great  breeder  of  scandal,  and 
if  a  gentleman  is  too  attentive  to  a  lady  it  soon  be- 
comes noticed.  These  are  its  evils. 

Unfortunately  the  ignorance  and  lack  of  social  cult- 
ure of  some  of  our  so-called  leaders  of  society  has  not 
yet  taught  them  the  lesson,  which  the  Greeks  sought 
to  express  when  they  put  in  their  entrance-halls  the 
statue  of  Silence,  with  her  finger  on  her  lip — 

"A  gesture,  which  silently  says,  Silence." 

We  may  yet  organize  in  our  fashionable  circles  (as 
we  have  just  outside  of  them)  a  force  of  noble  women 

185 


JHattttrrg  att&  Mortal 


»$H$HSHgHgHSHgH§H%HSH^^ 

who  will  know  how  to  give  house-parties  where  slander 
is  unknown,  which  shall  be  gay  without  questionable 
fashions,  which  shall  be  intellectual  treats,  and  where 
a  usefully  benign  exercise  of  hospitality  shall  not  lead 
to  the  propagation  of  slanderous  attacks  on  character. 

The  happy  medium  between  stiffness  and  a  gay  and 
liberal  view  of  life  —  that  is  the  question. 

The  great  drawback  on  the  giving  of  house-parties 
in  our  country  is  the  always-growing  uncertainty  as 
to  servants.  How  can  one  contend  with  a  strike  ?  How 
can  one  prevent  the  butler,  who  may  be  a  politician, 
from  going  off  on  a  mission  to  nominate  the  member 
of  Congress?  He  may  feel  that  he  is  more  necessary 
at  a  primary  than  at  a  dinner-party.  The  lady  who 
lives  in  the  country  and  who  describes  herself  as  run- 
ning a  servants'  omnibus  to  the  nearest  station,  must 
answer  this  question  for  herself  —  whether  the  game  is 
worth  the  candle,  and  whether  that  moment  of  agony 
which  she  has  experienced  when  she  has  seen  the  cook, 
in  flaunting  attire,  walking  off  just  as  the  twelfth  guest 
has  arrived,  is  ever  paid  for  by  any  amount  of  pleasure 
afterwards. 

Many  charming  homes  all  over  our  land,  however, 
have  settled  the  domestic  question  for  themselves; 
many  hostesses,  even  in  the  United  States,  can  keep 
servants  over  a  week;  and  many  are  so  well  provided 
with  all  that  can  make  a  guest  comfortable  and  happy, 
that  we  have  only  to  suggest  a  few  things  to  the  guest. 

Never  fail  to  arrive  and  leave  at  the  very  moment 
signified  in  your  invitation. 

186 


Never  fail  to  observe,  to  its  remotest  degree,  the 
laws  and  customs  of  the  house. 

Nor  should  a  gentleman  who  is  a  guest  forget  his 
attentions  to  his  hostess,  among  which  should  be  the 
note  of  thanks  written  after  he  leaves  her  house,  and 
the  call  when  she  comes  to  the  city  where  he  lives. 

If  there  is  an  elderly  person  who  hates  draughts 
and  loves  warmth,  endure  to  be  roasted  to  the  bone 
rather  than  ask  to  have  a  window  open.  Some  one 
has  said,  "All  visiting  is  slavery";  do  what  we  will, 
we  cannot  avoid  these  differences  as  to  temperature. 
"I  will  live  in  an  ice-house  when  I  get  home,"  said  a 
visitor  at  a  too -hot  house -party;  "I  will  sit  near  a 
gas-stove  all  summer,"  said  another,  who  had  been 
frozen;  and  "I  will  never  pay  another  visit  if  they 
put  a  gas-stove  in  my  room."  said  a  third,  who  had  been 
asphyxiated  by  a  too  ardent  lover  of  comfort. 

It  is  impossible  to  please  everybody. 

And  then  comes  in  the  question  of  uncongenial 
souls. 

"Why  did  you  ask  me  to  meet  Mrs.  Soureby  Cream- 
ley?  You  know  I  cannot  endure  her,"  says  one  indis- 
creet visitor  to  Mrs.  Trembly.  There  is,  unfortunately, 
a  clique  that  seeks  self -display;  there  is  great  worship 
of  wealth;  there  is  a  tendency  to  imperious  self-asser- 
tion; there  is  a  leaning  to  frivolity  and  gossip  in  all 
the  "smart"  sets  all  over  this  growing  country,  which 
must  impair  any  attempt  at  this  sort  of  sociable  enter- 
tainment, if,  at  the  same  time,  the  hostess  wishes  also 
to  invite  people  of  intelligence,  experience,  and  broad 


anft  Mortal 


outlook,  with  high  purpose  and  inspiration.     The  two 
kinds  cannot  amalgamate  easily. 

But  the  American  woman  has  conquered  everything 
—  she  will  conquer  this.  A  woman  who  has  "done 
her  own  work,"  who  has  gone  down  on  her  knees  and 
scrubbed  the  marble  of  the  front  hall,  may  be  called 
on  to  rise  and  receive  a  princess,  may  be  called  on  to 
give  a  house-party  in  a  magnificent  dwelling  which  the 
husband  has  earned  the  right  to  call  his  and  her  home. 

She  will  do  it  well.  She  will  carry  the  same  simplic- 
ity, the  same  self-respect  into  the  new  home  which 
made  the  first  little,  modest  tenement  so  happy.  No 
doubt  she  will  in  time. 

She  may  have  to  learn  a  few  rules.  But  did  she 
not  have  to  learn  how  to  make  good  bread?  and  that 
was  far  more  difficult  than  to  learn  how  to  give  a 
house-party.  Learn,  however,  to  do  it  in  the  best 
way,  but  do  not  attempt  it  and  fail. 

Meantime,  no  one  should  be  discouraged  from  show- 
ing a  simple  hospitality  to  his  friends  because  he  is 
unable  to  vie  with  the  magnificence  of  the  multi-mill- 
ionaire. It  is  to  be  questioned  whether  even  the  lat- 
ter is  not  becoming  tired  of  aping  the  manners  of  an 
aristocratic  country.  Surely  these  are  ill-suited  to  a 
land  where  republican  principles  prevail.  The  popular- 
ity of  summer  camps,  the  closing  of  many  fine  villas 
at  Newport,  the  trips  in  touring-cars  now  so  much  in 
vogue,  the  fondness  for  athletics,  all  show  recognition 
on  the  part  of  Americans  of  the  beauty  and  value  of 
simplicity  as  opposed  to  formality  and  ostentation. 

1  88 


CHAPTER    XXIII 


HOST      AND       GUEST 

O  one  possessed  of  his  senses  would  invite  a 
person  to  his  country-house  for  the  purpose 
of  making  the  latter  unhappy.  At  least  so 
we  should  say  at  first  thought.  But  it  is  an 
obvious  fact  that  very  many  guests  are  in- 
vited to  the  country  houses  of  their  friends 
and  are  made  extremely  miserable  while  there.  They 
have  to  rise  at  unusual  hours,  eat  when  they  are  not 
hungry,  drive  or  walk  or  play  tennis  when  they  would 
prefer  to  do  something  else,  and  they  are  obliged  to 
give  up  those  hours  which  are  precious  to  them  for 
other  duties  or  pleasures;  so  that  many  people,  after 
an  experience  of  visiting,  say,  "No  more  of  the  slavery 
of  visiting  for  me,  if  you  please!" 

As  we  have  seen  in  a  previous  chapter,  the  English  in 
their  vast  country  houses  have  reduced  the  custom  of 
visiting  and  receiving  their  friends  to  a  system.  They 
are  said  to  be  in  all  respects  the  best  hosts  in  the  world, 
the  masters  of  the  letting-alone  system.  A  man  who 
owns  a  splendid  place  near  London  invites  a  guest  for 
three  days  or  more,  and  carefully  suggests  when  he 
shall  come  and  when  he  shall  go — a  very  great  point  in 

189 


anfr  Mortal 


hospitality.  He  is  invited  to  come  by  the  three-o'clock 
train  on  Monday,  and  to  leave  by  the  four-o'clock  train 
on  Thursday.  That  means  that  he  shall  arrive  before 
dinner  on  Monday,  and  leave  after  luncheon  on  Thurs- 
day. If  a  guest  cannot  agree  to  these  hours,  he  must 
write  and  say  so.  Once  arrived,  he  rarely  meets  his 
host  or  hostess  until  dinner-time.  It  is  possible  that 
some  member  of  the  family  may  be  disengaged  and  may 
propose  a  drive  before  dinner,  but  this  is  not  often  done  ; 
the  guest  is  left  to  himself  or  herself  until  dinner.  Gen- 
eral and  Mrs.  Grant  were  shown  to  their  rooms  at 
Windsor  Castle,  and  locked  up  there,  when  they  visit- 
ed the  Queen,  until  the  steward  came  to  tell  them 
that  dinner  would  be  served  in  half  an  hour;  they 
were  then  conducted  to  the  grand  salon,  where  the 
Queen  presently  entered.  In  less  stately  residences 
very  much  the  same  ceremony  is  observed. 

Thus  the  guest  has  before  him  the  enviable  privi- 
lege of  spending  the  day  as  he  pleases.  He  need 
not  talk  unless  he  chooses;  he  may  take  a  book  and 
wander  oif  under  the  trees;  he  may  take  a  horse  and 
explore  the  county,  or  he  may  drive  in  a  victoria, 
phaeton,  or  any  other  sort  of  carriage.  To  a  lady 
who  has  her  letters  to  write,  her  novel  to  read,  or  her 
early  headache  to  manage,  this  liberty  is  precious. 

It  must  also  be  said  that  no  one  is  allowed  to  feel 
neglected  in  an  English  house.  If  a  lady  guest  says, 
"I  am  a  stranger;  I  should  like  to  see  your  fine  house 
and  your  lovely  park,"  some  one  is  found  to  accom- 
pany her.  Seldom  the  hostess,  for  she  has  much  else 

190 


Soat 


to  do;  but  there  is  often  a  single  sister,  a  cousin,  or  a 
very  intelligent  governess,  who  is  summoned.  In  our 
country  we  cannot  offer  our  guests  all  these  advan- 
tages; we  can,  however,  offer  them  their  freedom,  and 
give  them,  with  our  limited  hospitality,  their  choice  of 
hours  for  breakfast  and  their  freedom  from  our  society. 
But  the  questioner  may  ask,  Why  invite  guests 
unless  we  wish  to  see  them?  We  do  wish  to  see 
them — a  part  of  the  day,  not  the  whole  day.  No  one 
can  sit  and  talk  all  day.  The  hostess  should  have  her 
privilege  of  retiring,  after  the  mid-day  meal,  for  a  nap, 
and  so  should  the  guest.  Well-bred  people  under- 
stand all  this,  and  are  glad  to  give  up  the  pleasure  of 
social  intercourse  for  an  hour  of  solitude.  There  is 
nothing  so  sure  to  repay  one  in  the  long  run  as  these 
quiet  hours. 

If  a  lady  invites  another  to  visit  her  at  Newport 
or  Bar  Harbor,  she  should  evince  her  thought  for  her 
guest's  comfort  by  providing  her  with  horses  and 
carriage  to  pay  her  own  visits,  to  take  her  own  drives, 
or  to  do  her  shopping.  Of  course,  the  pleasure  of  two 
friends  is  generally  to  be  together,  and  to  do  the  same 
things;  but  sometimes  it  is  quite  the  reverse.  The 
tastes  and  habits  of  two  people  staying  in  the  same 
house  may  be  very  different,  and  each  should  respect 
the  peculiarities  of  the  other.  It  costs  little  time  and 
no  money  for  an  opulent  Newport  hostess  to  find  out 
what  her  guest  wishes  to  do  with  her  day,  and  she 
can  easily,  with  a  little  tact,  allow  her  to  be  happy  in 
her  own  way. 
13  191 


fftattnrrs  and  S>nrtal  Usages 


Gentlemen  understand  this  much  better  than  ladies, 
and  a  man  guest  is  allowed  to  do  very  much  as  he 
pleases  at  Newport.  No  one  asks  anything  about  his 
plans  for  the  day,  except  if  he  will  dine  at  home.  His 
hostess  may  ask  him  to  drive  or  ride  with  her,  or  to 
go  to  the  Casino,  perhaps;  but  if  she  be  a  well-bred 
woman  of  the  world  she  will  not  be  angry  if  he  refuses. 
A  lady  guest  has  not,  however,  such  freedom;  she  is 
apt  to  be  a  slave,  from  the  fact  that  as  yet  the  Ameri- 
can hostess  has  not  learned  that  the  truest  hospitality 
is  to  let  her  guest  alone,  and  to  allow  her  to  enjoy  her- 
self in  her  own  way.  A  thoroughly  well-bred  guest 
makes  no  trouble  in  a  house;  she  has  the  instinct  of  a 
lady,  and  is  careful  that  no  plan  of  her  hostess  shall 
be  disarranged  by  her  presence.  She  mentions  all  her 
separate  invitations,  desires  to  know  when  her  hostess 
wishes  her  presence,  if  the  carriage  can  take  her  hither 
and  yon,  or  if  she  may  be  allowed  to  hire  a  carriage. 

There  are  hostesses,  here  and  in  England,  who  do 
not  invite  guests  to  their  houses  for  the  purpose  of 
making  them  happy,  but  to  add  to  their  own  impor- 
tance. Such  hostesses  are  not  apt  to  consider  the  in- 
dividual rights  of  any  one,  and  they  use  a  guest  mere- 
ly to  add  to  the  brilliancy  of  their  parties,  and  to  make 
the  house  more  fashionable  and  attractive.  Some  ill- 
bred  women,  in  order  to  show  their  power,  even  in- 
sult and  ill-treat  the  people  who  have  accepted  their 
proffered  hospitality.  This  class  of  hostess  is,  fortu- 
nately, not  common,  but  is  not  unknown. 

A  hostess  should  remember  that,  when  she  asks  peo- 
192 


attfc  (Sursf 


pie  to  visit  her,  she  has  two  very  important  duties 
to  perform  —  one,  not  to  neglect  her  guests;  the  other, 
not  to  weary  them  by  too  much  attention.  Never 
give  a  guest  the  impression  that  he  is  "being  enter- 
tained," that  he  is  on  your  mind;  follow  the  daily  life 
of  your  household  and  of  your  duties  as  you  desire, 
taking  care  that  your  guest  is  never  in  an  unpleasant 
position  or  neglected.  If  you  have  a  tiresome  guest 
who  insists  upon  following  you  around  and  weighing 
heavily  on  your  hands,  be  firm,  go  to  your  room,  and 
lock  the  door.  If  you  have  a  sulky  guest  who  looks 
bored,  throw  open  the  library  door,  order  the  carriage, 
and  make  your  own  escape.  But  if  you  have  a  very 
agreeable  guest  who  shows  every  desire  to  please  and 
be  pleased,  give  that  model  guest  the  privilege  of 
choosing  her  own  hours  and  her  own  retirement. 

The  charm  of  an  American  country  house  is,  gen- 
erally, that  it  is  a  home,  and  sacred  to  home  duties. 
A  model  guest  never  infringes  for  one  moment  on  the 
rights  of  the  master  of  the  house.  She  never  spoils 
his  dinner  or  his  drive  by  being  late;  she  never  sends 
him  back  to  bring  her  parasol;  she  never  abuses  his 
friends  or  the  family  dog;  she  is  careful  to  abstain 
from  disagreeable  topics;  she  joins  his  whist-table  if 
she  knows  how  to  play;  but  she  ought  never  to  be 
obliged  to  rise  an  hour  earlier  than  her  wont  because 
he  wishes  to  take  an  early  train  for  town.  These 
hurried  early  morning  breakfasts  are  not  times  for 
conversation,  and  they  ruin  the  day  for  many  bad 
sleepers. 

193 


anil  Mortal 


•^NtHJHJMSHiHlHiHiHfr^^ 

In  a  country  neighborhood  a  hostess  has  sometimes 
to  ask  her  guests  to  go  to  church  to  hear  a  stupid 
preacher,  and  to  go  to  her  country  neighbors  to  be- 
come acquainted  with  what  may  be  the  slavery  of 
•country  parties.  The  guest  should  always  be  allowed 
to  refuse  these  hospitalities  ;  and  if  he  be  a  tired  towns- 
man, he  will  prefer  the  garden,  the  woodland,  the  re- 
tirement of  the  country  to  any  church  or  tea-party 
in  the  world.  He  cannot  enter  into  his  host's  inter- 
ests or  his  neighbor's.  Leave  him  to  his  solitude  if  in 
that  is  his  happiness. 

At  Newport  guest  and  hostess  have  often  different 
friends  and  different  invitations.  When  this  is  under- 
stood, no  trouble  ensues  if  the  host  and  hostess  go  out 
to  dinner  and  leave  the  guest  at  home.  It  often  hap- 
pens that  this  is  done,  and  no  lady  of  good-breeding 
takes  offence.  A  hostess  should  not,  however,  go  out 
so  often  as  to  make  her  guest  feel  neglected.  Of  course 
a.  nice  dinner  is  prepared  for  the  latter,  and  she  is  often 
asked  to  invite  a  friend  to  share  it. 

On  the  other  hand,  the  guest  often  has  invitations 
which  do  not  include  the  hostess.  These  should  be 
spoken  of  in  good  season,  so  that  none  of  the  hostess's 
plans  may  be  disarranged,  that  the  carriage  may  be 
ordered  in  time,  and  the  guest  sent  for  at  the  proper 
hour.  Well-bred  people  always  accept  these  contin- 
gencies as  a  matter  of  course,  and  are  never  discon- 
certed by  them.  A  guest  should  be  careful  not  to  ac- 
cept so  many  separate  invitations  as  to  make  the  host- 
ess feel  that  her  house  is  being  made  a  convenience. 

194 


anib 


Now  for  those  who  go  to  country  houses  to  make  a 
week-end  visit,  let  us  give  one  word  of  advice.  Al- 
ways hold  yourself  at  the  disposal  of  those  at  whose 
house  you  are  staying.  If  they  propose  a  plan  of 
action  for  you,  fall  in  with  it.  If  your  visit  is  pro- 
longed for  a  week,  endeavor  to  amuse  yourself  as  much 
as  possible.  Do  not  let  your  hostess  see  that  you 
are  dependent  on  her  for  amusement.  Remember, 
however  welcome  you  may  be,  you  are  not  always 
wanted. 

Some  people  are  "born  visitors."  They  have  the 
genius  of  tact  to  perceive,  the  genius  of  finesse  to  ex- 
ecute, ease  and  frankness  of  manner,  a  knowledge  of 
the  world  that  nothing  can  surprise,  a  calmness  of  tem- 
per that  nothing  can  disturb,  and  a  kindness  of  dis- 
position that  can  never  be  exhausted.  Such  a  visitor 
is  greatly  in  demand  everywhere. 

Where  a  good-natured  host  and  hostess  place  every- 
thing at  the  disposal  of  a  visitor  —  their  horses,  car- 
riages, books,  and  grounds  —  the  utmost  delicacy  should 
be  observed.  Never  ride  a  horse  too  fast  or  too  far. 
Never  take  the  coachman  beyond  his  usual  limits. 
Never  pluck  a  flower  in  the  ornamental  grounds  with- 
out asking  permission,  for  in  these  days  of  ornamental 
and  fanciful  gardening  it  is  necessary  to  be  careful 
and  remember  that  each  flower  is  a  tint  in  a  well- 
considered  picture.  Never  dog'sear  or  disfigure  the 
books,  or  leave  them  lying  about;  if  you  take  them 
from  their  shelves,  put  them  back.  Be  thoughtful  in 
your  treatment  of  the  servants,  and  give  those  who 

195 


anil  90rial 


immediately  wait  upon  you  some  small  gratuity.     And 
if  family  prayers  are  ^ead,  always  try  to  be  present. 

There  is  no  office  in  the  world  which  should  be  filled 
with  such  punctilious  devotion,  propriety,  and  self- 
respect  as  that  of  hostess.  The  young  man  who  is 
asked  to  be  her  guest  cannot  treat  her  with  too  much 
respect  while  beneath  her  roof.  And  after  he  leaves 
her  house  he  should  write  to  her  the  prettiest  and  most 
grateful  of  letters.  If  a  lady  ever  allows  her  guest  to 
feel  that  she  is  a  cause  of  inconvenience,  she  violates 
the  first  rule  of  hospitality.  If  she  fail  in  any  way  in 
her  obligations  as  hostess  to  a  guest  whom  she  has  in- 
vited, she  shows  herself  to  be  ill-bred  and  ignorant  of 
the  first  principles  of  politeness.  She  might  better 
invite  twelve  people  to  dinner,  and  then  ask  them  to 
dine  on  the  pavement,  than  ignore  or  withdraw  from  a 
written  and  accepted  invitation,  unless  sickness  or 
death  afford  the  excuse;  and  yet  hostesses  have  been 
known  to  do  this  from  mere  caprice.  But  they  were, 
of  course,  ill-bred  people. 


CHAPTER  XXIV 

FORK    AND    SPOON 

SOCIAL  new-comer  asks,  "How  shall  I  carry 
my  fork  to  my  mouth?"  The  fork  should 
be  raised  laterally  to  the  mouth  with  the 
right  hand;  the  wrist  should  never  be 
crooked,  so  as  to  bring  the  hand  round  at 
a  right  angle,  or  the  fork  directly  opposite 
the  mouth.  The  mother  cannot  begin  too  early  to 
inculcate  good  manners  at  the  table,  and  among  the 
first  things  that  young  children  should  learn  is  the 
proper  use  of  the  fork. 

Again,  the  fork  should  not  be  overloaded.  To  take 
meat  and  vegetables  and  pack  them  on  the  poor  fork, 
as  if  it  were  a  beast  of  burden,  is  a  common  Ameri- 
can vulgarity,  born  of  our  hurried  way  of  eating  at 
railway  stations  and  hotels.  But  it  is  an  unhealthy 
and  an  ill-mannered  habit.  To  take  but  little  on  the 
fork  at  a  time,  a  moderate  mouthful,  shows  good  man- 
ners and  refinement.  The  knife  must  never  be  put 
into  the  mouth  at  any  time — that  is  a  remnant  of  bar- 
barism. 

Another  inquirer  asks,  "Should  cheese  be  eaten 
with  a  fork?"  We  say,  decidedly,  "Yes,"  although 

197 


anii  Mortal 


good  authorities  declare  that  it  may  be  put  on  a  morsel 
of  bread  with  a  knife,  and  thus  conveyed  to  the  mouth. 
>f  course  we  refer  to  the  soft  cheeses — like  Gorgon- 
zola,  Brie,  cream-cheese,  Neufchatel,  Camembert,  and 
the  like — which  are  hardly  more  manageable  than  but- 
ter. Of  the  hard  cheeses,  one  may  convey  a  morsel  to 
the  mouth  with  the  thumb  and  forefinger;  but,  as  a 
general  rule,  it  is  better  to  use  the  fork. 

Now  as  to  the  spoon:  it  is  to  be  used  for  soup,  for 
strawberries  and  cream,  for  all  stewed  fruit  and  pre- 
serves, and  for  melons,  which,  from  their  juiciness, 
cannot  be  conveniently  eaten  with  a  fork.  Peaches 
and  cream,  all  the  "wet  dishes,"  as  Mrs.  Glasse  was 
wont  to  call  them,  must  be  eaten  with  a  spoon.  Roman 
punch  is  always  eaten  with  a  spoon^x 
/  In  using  the  spoon  be  very  careful  not  to  put  it  too 
/T  far  into  the  mouth.  It  is  a  fashion  with  children  to 
polish  their  spoons  in  a  somewhat  savage  fashion 
but  the  guest  at  a  dinner-party  should  remember,  in 
the  matter  of  the  dessert-spoon  especially  (which  is  a 
rather  large  implement  for  the  mouth),  not  to  allow 
even  the  clogging  influences  of  cabinet  pudding  to 
induce  him  to  give  his  spoon  too  much  leeway,  as  in 
all  etiquette  of  the  table,  the  spoon  has  its  difficulties 
and  dangers. 

JL  There  are  always  people  happy  in  their  fashion  of 
eating,  as  in  everything  else.  There  is  no  such  infal- 
lible proof  of  good-breeding  and  of  early  usage  as  the 
conduct  of  a  man  or  woman  at  dinner.  But,  as  every 
one  has  not  had  the  advantage  of  early  training,  it  is 

198 


3T0rk  anil 


well  to  study  these  minute  points  of  table  etiquette, 
that  one  may  learn  how  to  eat  without  offending  the 
sensibility  of  the  well-bred.  Especially  study  the  fork 
and  the  spoon.  There  is,  no  doubt,  a  great  diversity 
of  opinion  on  the  Continent  with  regard  to  the  fork. 
It  is  a  common  German  fashion,  even  with  princes, 
to  put  the  knife  into  the  mouth.  Italians  are  not  al- 
ways particular  as  to  its  use,  and  cultivated  Russians, 
Swedes,  Poles,  and  Danes  often  eat  with  their  knives 
or  forks  indiscriminately. 

But  Austria,  which  follows  French  fashions,  the 
Anglo-Saxon  race  in  England,  America,  and  the  colo- 
nies^yU  French  people^lind  those  elegant  Russians 
who  emtH^eEpeflfch  manners,  deem  the  fork  the  prop- 
er m^flsflmotoommunication  between  the  plate  and 
the  mouth. 

On  elegant  tables,  each  plate  or  "cover"  is  accom- 
panied by  two  large  silver  kni^ee-pa  small  silver  knife 
and  fork  tor  fish,  a  smaJJ,^ff5fk  for  the  oysters  on  the 
half -shell,  ayarge  tabj^spoon  or  a  soup-spoon,  and  three 
large  forks.  \  As  thp'oinner  progresses,  the  knife  and  fork 
and  spoon  whicjfi  have  been  used  are  taken  away  with 
the  plate.  Tms  saves  confusion,  and  the  servant  has 
not  to  brina/iresh  knives  and  forks  all  the  time.  Fish 
should  be^atenN^ith  silver  knife  and  fork;  for  if  it  is 
full  of  fyones,  like  ^shad/for  instance,  it  is  very  diffi- 
cult to  manage  it  without  the  aid  of  a  knife. 

For  sweetbreads, Cutlets,  roast  beef,  etc.,  the  knife 
is  also  necessarVjyDut  for  the  croquettes,  rissoles,  bou- 
chees  a  la  Reme,J$mbalest  and  dishes  of  that  class,  the 

199 


ani>  Mortal 


«S"J"JHSK2HgHSK|H|H|Hg^^ 

fork  alone  is  needed.  A  majority  of  the  made  dishes 
in  which  the  French  excel  are  to  be  eaten  with  the 
fork  alone. 

After  the  dinner,  has  been  eaten  and  the  dessert 
reached,  we  must  see  to  it  that  everything  is  cleared 
off  but  the  table-clom,  which  is  now  never  removed. 
A  dessert-plate  is  put\before  each  guest,  and  a  gold 
or  silver  spoon,  a  silver  dessert  spoon  and  fork,  and 
often  a  queer  little  combination  of  fork  and  spoon, 
called  an  "ice-spoon." 

In  England,  strawberries  are  always  served  with 
the  green  stems,  Ana  each  one  is  taken  up  with  the 
fingers,  dippzfrm  sugar,  and  thus  eaten.  Many  for- 
eigners peur  wine  over  their  strawberries,  and  then 
eat  them  with  a  fork. 

Pears  and  apples  should  be  peeled  with  a  silver 
knife,  cut  into  quarters,  and  then  picked  up  with  the 
fingers.  Oranges  should/be  peeled,  and  cut  or  sepa- 
rated, as  the  eater  chaoses.  Grapes  should  be  eaten 
from  behind  the  half/elosed  hand,  the  stones  and  skin 
falling  into  the  hand  unobserved,  and  thence  to  the 
plate.  Never  sw/Qlow  the  stones  of  small  fruits;  it  is 
extremely  dangerous.  The  pineapple  is  almost  the 
only  fruit  which  requires  both  knife  and  fork,  al- 
though it  is  now  thought  better  to  use  both  when 
eating  peaches,  pears,  and  bananas. 

So  much  has  the  fork  come  into  use  of  late  that  a 
wit  observed  that  he  took  everything  with  it  but  after- 
noon tea.  The  thick  chocoJStte,  he  observed,  often 
served  at  afternoon  entertainments,  could  be  eaten 

200 


comfortably   with   a  ifork,   particularly   the   whipped 
cream  on  top  of^ifT    V 

A  fork  alone  is  tused  for  eating  salad.  If  cream 
cheese,  or  any  othef\spft  cheese  which  must  be  spread 
on  biscuit  is  spiked,  a*5mall  silver  knife  is  put  at  each 
place  for  sucn  use. 

Salt-cellars  are  now  placed  at  each  plate,  and  it  is 
not  improper  to  take  salt  with  your  knife  from  an 
individual  salt-cellar  if  a  little  spoon  is  not  supplied 
for  the  purpose,  as  it  is  or  should  be  freshly  filled 
with  salt  before  each  meal. 

Dessert-spoons  and  small  forks  do  not  form  a  part 
of  the  original  "cover";  that  is,  they  are  not  put  on 
at  the  beginning  of  the  dinner,  but  are  placed  before 
the  guests  according  as  they  are  needed;  as,  for  in- 
stance, when  the  Roman  punch  arrives  before  the 
game,  and  afterwards  when  the  plum-pudding  or 
pastry  is  served  before  the  ices. 

The  knives  and  forks  are  not  placed  upon  the  plate, 
but  on  each  side  X>f  it,  ready  for  the  hand. 

For  the  coffee7  after  dinner  a  very  small  spoon  is 
served,  as  a  large  one  would  be  out  of  place  in  the 
small  cups  that  are  used.  Indeed,  the  variety  of  forks 
and  spoons  now  in  use  on  a  well-furnished  table  is 
astonishing. 

A  doubtful  hostess  asks,  "How  much  soup  should 
be  given  to  each  person?"  A  half-ladleful  is  quite 
enough,  unless  it  is  a  country  dinner,  where  a  full  la- 
dleful  may  be  given  without  offence;  but  do  not  fill 
the  soup-plate. 

201 


anft  Mortal 


jgHSHSHgHSHgHgHgHgttg^^^ 

In  carving  a  joint  or  fowl  the  host  ought  to  make 
sure  of  the  condition  of  both  knife  and  fork.  Of  course 
a  good  carver  sees  to  both  before  dinner.  The  knife 
should  be  of  the  best  cutlery,  well  sharpened,  and  the 
fork  long,  strong,  and  furnished  with  a  guard. 


CHAPTER  XXV 

TABLE    LINEN 

HE  elegance  of  a  table  depends  essentially 
upon  its  napery.  The  plainest  of  meals  is 
made  a  banquet  if  the  linen  be  fresh,  fine,  and 
smooth,  and  the  most  sumptuous  repast  can 
be  ruined  by  a  soiled  and  crumpled  table- 
cloth. The  housewife  who  wishes  to  con- 
duct her  house  in  elegance  must  make  up  her  mind 
to  use  five  or  six  sets  of  napkins,  and  to  have  several 
dozens  of  each  ready  for  possible  demands. 

A  napkin  should  never  be  put  on  the  table  a  second 
time  until  it  has  been  rewashed;  therefore,  napkin-rings 
should  be  abandoned — relegated  to  the  nursery  tea-table. 
Breakfast  napkins  are  of  a  smaller  size  than  dinner 
napkins,  and  are  very  pretty  if  they  bear  the  initial 
letter  of  the  family  in  the  centre  or  corner.  Those  of 
fine,  double  damask,  with  a  simple  design,  such  as  a 
snowdrop  or  a  mathematical  figure,  to  match  the  table- 
cloth, are  also  pretty.  In  the  end,  the  economy  in 
the  wear  pays  a  young  housekeeper  to  invest  well  in 
the  best  of  napery — double  damask,  good  Irish  linen. 
Never  buy  poor  or  cheap  napkins;  they  are  worn  out 
almost  immediately  by  washing. 

203 


att&  Mortal 


Coarse,  heavy  napkins  are  perhaps  proper  for  the 
nursery  and  children's  table.  If  children  dine  with 
their  parents,  they  should  have  a  special  set  of  nap- 
kins for  their  use,  and  some  very  careful  mammas 
make  these  with  tapes  to  tie  around  the  youthful 
necks.  It  is  better  in  a  large  family,  where  there 
are  children,  to  have  heavy  table-linen  for  every- 
day use.  It  is  not  an  economy  to  buy  colored  cloths, 
for  they  must  be  washed  as  often  as  if  they  were  white, 
and  no  color  stands  the  hard  usage  of  the  laundry  as 
well  as  pure  white. 

Colored  napery  is,  therefore,  the  luxury  of  a  well- 
appointed  country  house,  and  has  its  use  in  making 
the  breakfast  and  luncheon  table  look  a  little  unlike 
the  dinner.  It  is  not  in  fashion  at  the  present  time, 
however.  Never  use  a  parti-colored  damask  for  the 
dinner-table. 

White  napery,  which  grows  whiter  with  each  sum- 
mer's bleaching,  is  preferable  to  all  others.  Ladies 
who  live  in  the  city  should  try  to  send  all  their  napery 
to  the  country  at  least  once  a  year,  and  let  it  lie  on 
the  grass  for  a  good  bleaching.  It  seems  to  keep 
cleaner  afterwards. 

When  breakfast  is  made  a  formal  meal  —  that  is,  when 
company  is  invited  tc  come  at  a  stated  hour  —  serviettes, 
or  large  dinner  napkins,  must  be  placed  at  each  plate, 
as  for  a  dinner.  But  they  are  never  used  at  a  "stand- 
up"  breakfast,  nor  are  doilies  or  finger-bowls. 

If  any  accident  happens,  such  as  the  spilling  of  a 
glass  of  wine  or  the  upsetting  of  a  plate,  the  de'toris 

204 


Sabl* 


should  be  carefully  cleared  away,  and  the  waitress 
should  spread  a  clean  napkin  over  the  spot  on  the 
table-cloth.  Large  white  napkins  are  invariably  used 
at  luncheon,  and  the  smaller  ones  kept  for  breakfast 
and  tea.  Some  ladies  like  the  little  fringed  napkins 
for  tea,  but  to  look  well  these  must  be  very  carefully 
washed  and  ironed.  A  polished-top  table  is  now  in 
fashion  for  breakfast  and  luncheon.  The  use  of  a 
centre-piece  at  these  meals  is  not  obligatory,  but  it  is 
almost  always  a  pot  of  growing  plants  —  ferns,  bulbous 
flowers,  or  fresh  flowers,  or  a  small  palm. 

Never  fasten  your  napkin  around  your  neck;  lay  it 
across  your  knees,  convenient  to  the  hand,  and  lift  one 
corner  only  to  wipe  the  mouth. 

A  housekeeper  should  have  a  large  chest  to  contain 
napery  which  is  not  to  be  used  every  day.  This  re- 
served linen  should  be  washed  and  aired  once  a  year 
at  least,  to  keep  it  from  moulding  and  becoming  yellow. 

Our  Dutch  ancestors  were  very  fond  of  enriching 
a  chest  of  this  kind,  and  many  housewives  in  New 
York  and  Albany  are  to-day  using  linen  brought  from 
Holland  three  hundred  years  ago. 

The  napery  made  in  Ireland  has,  however,  in  our 
day  taken  the  place  of  that  manufactured  in  other 
countries.  It  is  good,  cheap,  and  sometimes  very 
handsome,  and  if  it  can  be  bought  unadulterated  with 
cotton  it  will  last  many  years,  provided  it  is  not  ruined 
by  the  chemicals  which  are  so  much  used  in  this  labor- 
saving  age  by  indolent  laundresses. 

At  dinner-parties  in  England,  in  the  days  of  William 
205 


jflanttrra 


IV.,  a  napkin  was  handed  with  each  plate.  As  the 
guest  took  his  plate  and  new  napkin,  he  allowed  the 
the  one  he  had  used  to  fall  to  the  floor,  and  when 
he  went  away  from  the  table  he  left  a  snowy  pile  of 
napery  behind  him. 

The  use  of  linen  for  the  table  is  one  of  the  oldest 
of  fashions.  The  early  Italian  tables  were  served  with 
such  beautiful  lace-worked  napkins  that  we  cannot 
equal  them  to-day.  Queen  Elizabeth's  napkins  were 
edged  with  lace  made  in  Flanders,  and  were  an  im- 
portant item  of  expense  in  her  day-book. 

Fringed,  embroidered,  and  colored  napkins  made  of 
silk  are  used  by  Chinese  and  Japanese  magnates. 
These  articles  may  be  washed,  and  are  restored  to 
their  original  purity  by  detergent  agents  that  are  un- 
known to  us.  The  Chinese  also  use  little  napkins  of 
paper,  which  are  very  convenient  for  luncheon  baskets 
and  picnics. 

The  question  is  sometimes  asked,  Should  one  fold 
her  napkin  before  leaving  the  table  ? 

At  a  formal  meal,  no.  At  a  social  tea  or  break- 
fast, yes,  if  the  hostess  does  so.  There  is  no  absolute 
law  on  this  subject.  At  a  fashionable  dinner  no  one 
folds  his  napkin;  he  lays  it  by  the  side  of  his  plate 
unfolded. 

Napkins,  when  laid  away  in  a  chest  or  drawer, 
should  have  some  pleasant,  cleanly  herb  like  lavender 
or  sweet-grass,  or  the  old-fashioned  clover,  or  bags  of 
Oriental  orris-root,  put  between  them,  that  they  may 
come  to  the  table  smelling  of  these  delicious  scents. 

206 


Nothing  is  more  certain  to  destroy  the  appetite  of 
a  nervous  dyspeptic  than  a  napkin  that  smells  of  greasy 
soap.  There  is  a  laundry  soap  now  in  use  which 
leaves  a  very  unpleasant  odor  in  the  linen,  and  napkins 
often  smell  so  strongly  of  it  as  to  take  away  the  desire 
for  food. 

As  we  have  already  said,  every  lady  who  aspires  to 
elegant  housekeeping  should  remember  that  she  should 
never  allow  the  same  napkin  to  be  put  on  her  table 
twice.  For  this  reason  the  expensive  embroidered  and 
laced  napkins,  those  made  of  Duchesse  lace  and  heavily 
embroidered,  are  senseless  articles  of  luxury,  only  fit  for 
royal  tables,  where,  indeed,  they  are  but  seldom  used. 
14 


CHAPTER  XXVI 


CHAPERONS    AND    THEIR   DUTIES 


NE  of  the  corner-stones  of  American  polity 
is  the  independence  and  self-reliance  of  the 
individual  citizen.  An  American  boy  feels 
this  from  his  earliest  years,  and  his  sister  is 
conscious  of  it  too.  Our  children  learn  to 
take  care  of  themselves,  to  go  about  freely 
and  safely,  at  an  age  when  French  boys  are  still  escort- 
ed to  school  by  their  nurses.  It  may  well  be  ques- 
tioned whether  our  young  people  do  not  carry  this 
spirit  of  independence  too  far;  a  certain  amount  of 
guidance  is  necessary  for  all  immature  creatures,  ani- 
mals or  men.  But  we  cannot  expect  to  suppress  it 
altogether,  for  it  lies  at  the  root  of  our  institutions. 

Hence  the  American  boy  and  girl,  who  have  per- 
haps gone  to  the  public  school  together,  feel  a  strong 
desire  to  manage  their  own  affairs  when  they  grow 
to  be  youths  and  maidens.  It  must  be  said,  also,  that 
the  young  man  is  usually  upright  and  honorable,  and 
filled  with  the  sincere  respect  for  women,  which  is  the 
noble  characteristic  of  our  countrymen. 

In  many  parts  of  our  land  this  American  spirit  has 
led  to  a  relationship  of  the  sexes  which  does  not,  one 

208 


(&tap?ran0  ani  iljrtr 


H|Hg*SH|H^^ 


must  think,  exist  anywhere  else  in  the  world.  Young 
men  and  women  are  allowed  to  go  about  together, 
especially  in  the  Western  States,  with  a  freedom  which 
is  incomprehensible  to  the  European,  who  belongs  to* 
an  older,  a  more  corrupt  civilization.  To  a  people 
brought  up  in  a  community  where  these  views  and 
practices  prevail,  chaperonage  seems  an  unnecessary 
and  irritating  institution.  These  views  are  by  no 
means  confined  to  the  West,  although  they  find  their 
strongest  expression  there.  At  the  East  the  more  fre- 
quent contact  with  foreigners,  both  in  their  own  lands 
and  ours,  has  greatly  modified  the  development  of  this 
American  spirit,  so  far  as  the  relations  of  men  and 
women  are  concerned.  Hence,  while  chaperonage  has 
never  been  considered  so  indispensable  in  our  own 
country  as  in  Europe,  it  should  be  said  that  in  our 
large  Eastern  cities  the  desirability  of  a  modified 
chaperonage  has  long  been  recognized  in  certain  circles, 
and  it  has  always  existed  there. 

Whether  the  European  idea  or  the  American  will 
ultimately  prevail,  it  is  hard  to  tell.  The  growing 
association  between  our  own  and  other  lands,  neces- 
sarily brings  us  somewhat  under  the  influence  of  their 
ideas.  It  must  be  remembered  also  that  the  freedom 
of  intercourse  between  American  men  and  women  is- 
neither  possible  nor  desirable  where  foreigners  with 
their  very  different  views  are  concerned.  Hence  in 
New  York  city,  with  its  large  foreign  population, 
chaperonage  is  more  insisted  upon  than  it  is  in  Boston,, 
with  its  small  and  comparatively  homogeneous  popu- 

209 


fHatttterfi  attin  Mortal 


H|H^^ 

lation.  The  growing  independence  of  American  wom- 
«n,  however,  as  well  as  their  participation  in  business 
and  the  affairs  of  the  world,  is  likely  to  lessen  the  de- 
mand for  the  chaperon. 

It  must  always  be  remembered,  however,  that  those 
for  whom  her  protection  is  especially  claimed  are 
young  and  immature  persons.  A  girl  who  is  still  a 
minor  in  the  eyes  of  the  law,  unfit  and  unable  to  take 
care  of  her  own  property  until  she  is  twenty-one  years 
of  age,  may  well  be  thought  to  need  a  certain  amount 
of  guardianship.  Fortunately,  most  girls  are  happy 
-enough  to  have  a  mother  who  can  watch  over  them, 
and  yet  not  fret  them  by  undue  restraint. 

It  is  not  considered  proper  in  England  for  a  wid- 
owed father  to  place  an  unmarried  daughter  at  the 
head  of  his  house  without  the  companionship  of  a 
resident  chaperon,  and  there  are  grave  objections  to 
its  being  done  here.  We  have  all  known  instances 
where  such  liberty  has  been  very  bad  for  young  girls, 
and  where  it  has  led  to  scandals  which  the  presence  of 
a  chaperon  would  have  averted. 

The  duties  of  a  chaperon  are  very  hard  and  unre- 
mitting, and  sometimes  very  disagreeable.  According 
to  the  strictest  foreign  views  she  must  accompany  her 
•charge  everywhere;  she  must  sit  in  the  parlor  when 
.she  receives  gentlemen;  go  with  her  to  the  ball,  the 
party,  the  races,  the  dinners,  and  especially  to  theatre- 
parties;  she  must  preside  at  the  table,  and  act  the 
part  of  a  mother,  so  far  as  she  can;  she  must  watch 
the  characters  of  the  men  who  approach  her  charge, 

210 


att&  thru  3«ltcs 


and  endeavor  to  save  the  inexperienced  girl  from  the 
dangers  of  a  bad  marriage,  if  possible.  To  perform  this 
feat,  and  not  to  degenerate  into  a  Spanish  duenna,  a 
dragon,  or  a  fool,  is  a  very  difficult  task. 

No  doubt  a  vivacious  American  girl,  with  all  her  in- 
herited hatred  of  authority,  is  a  troublesome  charge. 
All  young  people  are  rebels.  They  dislike  being  watch- 
ed and  guarded.  They  have  no  idea  what  Hesper- 
idean  fruit  they  are,  and  they  object  to  the  dragon 
decidedly. 

But  a  wise,  good-tempered  woman  can  manage  the 
situation.  If  she  have  tact,  a  chaperon  can  add  very 
much  to  the  happiness  of  her  young  charge.  She  will 
see  that  the  proper  men  are  introduced  ;  that  her  young 
lady  is  provided  with  a  partner  for  the  german;  that 
she  is  asked  to  nice  places;  that  she  goes  well  dressed 
and  properly  accompanied;  that  she  gives  the  return 
party  herself  in  handsome  style. 

"I  owe,"  said  a  wealthy  widower  in  New  York, 
whose  daughters  all  made  remarkably  happy  mar- 
riages —  "I  owe  all  their  happiness  to  Mrs.  Constant, 
whom  I  was  so  fortunate  as  to  secure  as  their  chap- 
eron. She  knew  society  (which  I  did  not),  as  if  it 
were  in  her  pocket.  She  knew  exactly  what  girls 
ought  to  do,  and  she  was  so  agreeable  herself  that 
they  never  disliked  having  her  with  them.  She  was 
very  rigid,  too,  and  would  not  let  them  stay  late  at 
balls;  but  they  loved  and  respected  her  so  much  that 
they  never  rebelled,  and  now  they  love  her  as  if  she 
were  really  their  mother." 

211 


A  woman  of  elegant  manners  and  of  charming  char- 
acter, who  will  submit  to  the  slavery  —  for  it  is  little 
less  —  of  being  a  chaperon,  is  hard  to  find;  yet  every 
motherless  family  should  try  to  secure  such  a  person. 
In  travelling  in  Europe,  an  accomplished  chaperon 
can  do  more  for  young  girls  than  any  amount  of  fort- 
une. She  has  the  thing  they  want  —  that  is,  knowledge. 
With  her  they  can  go  everywhere  —  to  picture-galler- 
ies, theatres,  public  and  private  balls,  and  into  society, 
if  they  wish  it.  It  is  "etiquette"  in  Europe  to  have  a 
chaperon,  and  it  is  the  greatest  violation  of  it  not  to 
have  one. 

If  a  woman  is  protected  by  the  armor  of  work,  she 
can  dispense  with  a  chaperon.  The  young  artist  goes 
about  her  work  unquestioned;  but  in  society,  with  its 
different  laws,  she  must  be  under  the  care  of  an  older 
woman  than  herself. 

There  are  non-resident  chaperons  who  are  most  pop- 
ular and  most  useful.  Thus,  one  mamma  or  elderly 
lady  may  chaperon  a  number  of  young  ladies  to  a  din- 
ner, or  a  drive  on  a  coach,  a  sail  down  the  bay,  or  a 
ball  at  West  Point.  This  lady  looks  after  all  her 
young  charges,  and  attends  to  their  propriety  and 
their  happiness.  She  is  the  guardian  angel,  for  the 
moment,  of  their  conduct.  It  is  a  care  which  young 
men  always  admire  and  respect  —  this  of  a  kind,  well- 
bred  chaperon,  who  does  not  allow  the  youthful  spirits 
of  her  charges  to  run  away  with  them. 

The  chaperon,  if  an  intelligent  woman,  and  with  the 
sort  of  social  talent  which  a  chaperon  ought  to  have, 

212 


anb  tljnr  iuttra 


is  the  best  friend  of  a  family  of  shy  girls.  She  brings 
them  forward,  and  places  them  in  a  position  in  which 
they  can  enjoy  society;  for  there  is  a  great  deal  of 
tact  required  in  a  large  city  to  make  a  retiring  girl 
enjoy  herself.  Society  demands  a  certain  amount  of 
handling,  which  only  the  social  expert  understands. 
To  this  the  chaperon  should  be  equal.  There  are  some 
women  who  have  a  social  talent  which  is  simply  Na- 
poleonic. They  manage  it  as  a  great  general  does  his 
corps  de  baiaille. 

Again,  there  are  bad  chaperons.  A  flirtatious  mar- 
ried woman  who  is  thinking  of  herself  only,  and  who 
takes  young  girls  about  merely  to  enable  herself  to 
lead  a  gay  life  (and  the  world  is  full  of  such  women)  ,  is 
worse  than  no  chaperon  at  all.  She  is  not  a  protection 
to  the  young  lady,  and  she  disgusts  the  honorable 
men  who  would  like  to  approach  her  charge.  A  very 
young  chaperon,  bent  on  pleasure,  who  undertakes  to 
make  respectable  the  coaching  -  party,  but  who  has 
no  dignity  of  character  to  impress  upon  it,  is  a  very 
poor  one.  Many  of  the  most  flagrant  violations  of 
propriety,  in  what  is  called  the  fashionable  set,  have 
arisen  from  this  choice  of  young  chaperons,  which  is 
a  mere  begging  of  the  question,  and  no  chaperonage 
at  all. 

Too  much  champagne  is  drunk,  too  late  hours  are 
kept,  silly  stories  are  circulated,  and  appearances  are 
disregarded  by  these  gay  girls  and  their  young  chap- 
erons; and  yet  they  dislike  very  much  to  see  them- 
selves afterwards  held  up  to  ridicule  by  foreigners, 

213 


anil  Mortal 


whose   every  sentiment  of  propriety,  both   educated 
and  innate,  has  been  shocked  by  their  conduct. 

A  young  Frenchman  who  visited  America  a  few 
years  ago  formed  the  worst  judgment  of  American* 
women  because  he  met  one  alone  at  an  artist's  studio.  I 
He  misinterpreted  the  profoundly  sacred  and  correc- 
tive influences  of  art.     It  had  not  occurred  to  the 
lady  that  if  she  went  to  see  a  picture  she  would  be 
suspected  of  wishing  to  see  the  artist.     Still,  the  fact 
that  such  a  mistake   could  be  made  should  render 
girls  careful  of  even  the  appearance  of  evil. 

A  chaperon  should  in  her  turn  remember  that  she 
must  not  open  a  letter.  She  must  not  exercise  an  un- 
wise surveillance.  She  must  not  suspect  her  charge. 
All  that  sort  of  Spanish  espionage  is  always  outwit- 
ted. The  most  successful  chaperons  are  those  who 
love  their  young  charges,  respect  them,  try  to  be  in 
every  way  what  the  mother  would  have  been.  Of 
course,  all  relations  of  this  sort  are  open  to  many 
drawbacks  on  both  sides,  but  it  is  not  impossible  that 
it  may  be  an  agreeable  relation,  if  both  sides  exercise 
a  little  tact. 

In  selecting  a  chaperon  for  a  young  charge,  let  par- 
ents or  guardians  be  very  particular  as  to  the  past 
history  of  the  lady.  If  she  has  ever  been  talked  about, 
ever  suffered  the  bad  reputation  of  flirt  or  coquette, 
do  not  think  of  placing  her  in  that  position.  Men's 
clubs  have  long  memories,  and  the  fate  of  more  than 
one  young  heiress  has  been  imperilled  by  an  injudicious 
choice  of  a  chaperon.  If  any  woman  should  have  a 

214. 


anil  iiiHr  Duties 


spotless  record  and  admirable  character  it  should  be 
the  chaperon.  It  will  tell  against  her  charge  if  she 
have  not.  Certain  needy  women  who  have  been 
ladies,  and  who  precariously  attach  to  society  through 
their  families,  are  always  seeking  for  some  young 
heiress.  These  women  are  very  poor  chaperons,  and 
should  be  avoided. 

This  business  of  chaperonage  is  a  point  which  de- 
mands attention  on  the  part  of  careless  American 
mothers.  No  mother  should  be  oblivious  of  her  duty 
in  this  respect.  It  does  not  imply  that  she  doubts 
her  daughter's  honor  or  truth,  or  that  she  thinks  she 
needs  watching,  but  it  is  proper  and  respectable  and 
necessary  that  she  should  appear  by  her  daughter's 
side  in  society.  The  world  is  full  of  traps.  It  is  im- 
possible to  be  too  careful  of  the  reputation  of  a  young 
lady,  and  it  improves  the  tone  of  society  vastly  if  an 
elegant  and  respectable  woman  of  middle-age  accom- 
panies every  young  party.  It  goes  far  to  silence  the 
ceaseless  clatter  of  gossip  ;  it  is  the  antidote  to  scandal  ; 
it  makes  the  air  clearer;  and,  above  all,  it  improves 
the  character,  and  manners,  and  elevates  the  minds  of 
the  young  people  who  are  so  happy  as  to  enjoy  the 
society  and  to  feel  the  authority  of  a  cultivated,  wise, 
and  good  chaperon.  No  young  lady,  or  ci-devant 
young  lady,  should  travel  in  Europe  and  expect  to  be 
received  in  society  without  a  chaperon.  Not  even  at 
the  house  of  her  own  ambassador  will  she  be  well 
received  if  she  is  alone.  We  all  may  know  her  at 
home,  and  may  respect  her  character  and  her  inde- 

215 


anib  Mortal 


#&&&&&^^ 

pendence,  but  she  will  be  fatally  misjudged  in  Italy 
and  France,  and  not  too  well  received  in  England,  if 
she  goes  about  alone. 

All  this,  of  course,  applies  to  social  life  in  the  large 
cities,  especially  in  those  of  the  East.  The  West  still 
looks  askance  at  the  chaperon,  except  in  a  few  circles, 
and  on  very  formal  occasions,  and  it  must  be  admitted 
that  her  girls  do  not  suffer  from  the  fact. 

What  people  do  at  home,  where  their  characters  are 
known,  is  another  thing,  but  if  they  outrage  etiquette 
in  a  foreign  land,  woe  be  unto  them. 


CHAPTER  XXVII 

ETIQUETTE    FOR   SPINSTERS 

HE  question  is  sometimes  asked,  whether  a 
young  woman  of  thirty-five,  at  the  head  of 
her  father's  house,  with  no  intention  of  ever 
marrying,  requires  a  chaperon. 

A  young  lady  of  thirty-five  is  sometimes 
a  very  attractive  person,  and  does  "not  look 
her  age."  Still,  as  she  is  at  the  head  of  her  father's 
house,  etiquette  does  yield  a  point  and  allow  her  to 
judge  for  herself  as  to  the  proprieties  which  must  bend 
to  her.  Of  course,  with  every  year  of  a  woman's  life 
after  twenty-five,  she  becomes  less  and  less  the  subject 
of  chaperonage.  For  one  thing,  she  is  better  able  to 
judge  of  the  world  and  its  temptations;  in  the  second 
place,  a  certain  air  which  may  not  be  less  winning,  but 
which  is  certainly  more  mature,  has  replaced  the  grace 
of  girlhood.  She  has,  with  the  assumption  of  years, 
taken  on  a  dignity  which,  in  its  way,  is  fully  the  com- 
pensation for  some  lost  bloom.  Many  people  prefer  it. 
But  we  must  say  here  that  she  is  not  yet,  in  Euro- 
pean opinion,  entirely  emancipated  from  that  guard- 
ianship which  society  dispenses  with  for  the  youngest 
widow.  She  must  have  a  "companion"  if  she  is  a 

217 


jiann?ra  anx*  &0rtal  Usages 


rich  woman;  and  if  she  is  a  poor  one  she  should,  if 
possible,  join  some  party  of  friends  when  she  travels. 
She  can  travel  abroad  with  her  maid,  but  in  Paris  and 
other  Continental  cities  a  woman  still  young-looking 
had  better  not  do  this.  She  is  not  safe  from  insult  nor 
from  injurious  suspicion  if  she  signs  herself  "Miss" 
Smith,  and  is  without  her  mother,  an  elderly  friend, 
a  companion,  or  a  party. 

In  America  a  woman  can  go  anywhere  and  do  al- 
most anything  without  fear  of  insult.  But  in  Europe, 
where  the  custom  of  chaperonage  is  so  universal,  she 
must  be  more  circumspect. 

In  the  matter  of  paying  for  tickets,  if  a  lady  of 
thirty-five  wishes  to  allow  a  gentleman  to  pay  for  her 
admission  to  picture-galleries  and  theatres  she  has  an 
indisputable  right  to  do  so.  But  we  are  not  fighting 
for  a  right,  only  defining  a  law  of  etiquette,  when  we 
say  that  it  is  not  generally  allowed  in  the  best  society, 
abroad  or  here.  In  the  case  of  young  girls  it  is  quite 
unallowable,  but  in  the  case  of  a  lady  of  thirty-five 
it  may  be  permitted  as  a  sort  of  camaraderie,  as  one 
college  friend  may  pay  for  another.  The  point  is, 
however,  a  delicate  one.  Men,  in  the  freedom  of 
their  clubs,  recount  to  one  another  the  clever  expedi- 
ents which  many  women  of  society  use  to  extort  from 
them  boxes  for  the  opera  and  suppers  at  Delmonico's. 
A  woman  should  remember  that  it  may  sometimes  be 
very  inconvenient  to  young  men  who  are  invited  by 
her  to  go  to  concerts  and  theatres  to  pay  for  these 
pleasures.  Many  a  poor  fellow  who  has  become  a  de- 

218 


far 


faulter  has  to  thank  for  it  the  lady  who  first  asked 
him  to  take  her  to  Delmonico's  to  supper.  He  was 
ashamed  to  tell  her  that  he  was  poor,  and  he  stole  that 
he  might  not  seem  a  churl. 

Another  phase  of  the  subject  is  that  a  lady  in  per- 
mitting a  gentleman  to  expend  money  for  her  pleas- 
ures assumes  an  obligation  to  him  which  time  and 
chance  may  render  oppressive. 

With  an  old  friend,  however,  one  whose  claim 
to  friendship  is  well  established,  the  conditions  are 
changed.  In  his  case  there  can  be  no  question  of 
obligation,  and  a  woman  may  accept  unhesitatingly 
any  of  those  small  attentions  and  kindnesses  which 
friendly  feeling  may  prompt  him  to  offer  to  her. 

Travelling  alone  with  a  gentleman  escort  was  at 
one  time  allowed  in  the  West.  A  Kentucky  woman 
of  that  historic  period,  "before  the  war,"  would  not 
have  questioned  the  propriety  of  it,  and  a  Western 
man  of  to-day  still  has  the  desire  to  pay  everything, 
everywhere,  "for  a  lady." 

The  increase  in  the  population  of  the  Western  States 
and  the  growth  of  a  wealthy  and  fashionable  society 
in  the  large  towns  have  greatly  modified  this  spirit 
of  unwise  chivalry,  and  such  customs  are  passing  away 
even  on  the  frontier. 

"An  old  maid,"  may  do  almost  anything  without 
violating  etiquette,  if  she  consents  to  become  a  chap- 
eron, and  takes  with  her  a  younger  person.  Thus  an 
aunt  and  niece  can  travel  far  and  wide ;  the  position  of 
an  elder  sister  is  always  dignified ;  the  youthful  head  of 

219 


Manners  and  g>ortal 


«JH$K$H§H§HgHiH$H|HS^^ 

a  house  has  a  right  to  assert  herself  —  she  must  do  it 
—  therefore  etiquette  bows  to  her  (as  "nice  customs 
courtesy  to  great  kings").  There  is  very  much  in  the 
appearance  of  a  woman.  It  is  a  part  of  the  injustice 
of  nature  that  some  people  look  coquettish  who  are  not 
so.  Bad  taste  in  dress,  a  high  color,  a  natural  flow  of 
spirits,  or  a  loud  laugh  has  often  caused  a  very  good 
woman  to  be  misinterpreted.  Such  a  woman  should 
be  able  to  sit  in  judgment  upon  herself;  and  remem- 
bering that  in  a  great  city,  at  a  crowded  theatre,  or 
at  a  watering-place,  judgments  must  be  hasty  and  su- 
perficial, she  should  tone  down  her  natural  exuber- 
ance, and  take  with  her  a  woman  companion  who  is 
of  a  different  type  from  herself.  Calm  and  cold 
Puritanical  people  may  not  be  more  respectable  than 
the  fresh-colored  and  laughing  "old  maids"  of  thir- 
ty-five, but  they  look  more  so,  and  in  this  world 
women  must  consult  appearances.  An  elderly  girl 
must  even  think  how  she  looks.  A  woman  who  at  a 
watering-place  dresses  conspicuously,  dyes  her  hair,  or 
looks  as  if  she  did,  ties  a  white  blond  veil  over  her  locks, 
and  sits  on  a  hotel  piazza.,  showing  her  feet,  may  be 
the  best,  the  most  prudent  woman  in  the  house,  but  a 
superficial  observer  will  not  think  so.  In  the  mind  of 
every  passer-by  will  lurk  the  feeling  that  she  lacks  the 
first  grace  of  womanhood,  modesty  —  and  in  the  crit- 
icism of  a  crowd  there  is  strength.  A  man  passing  such 
a  person,  and  contrasting  her  with  modestly  dressed 
and  unobtrusive  ladies,  would  naturally  form  an  un- 
favorable opinion  of  her;  and  were  she  alone,  and 

220 


fnr 


her  name  entered  on  the  books  of  the  house  as  "Miss" 
Smith,  he  would  not  be  too  severe  if  he  thought  her 
decidedly  eccentric,  and  certainly  "bad  style."  If, 
however,  "Miss"  Smith  were  very  plain  and  quiet, 
and  dressed  simply  and  in  good  taste,  or  if  she  sat  on 
the  sands  looking  at  the  sea,  or  attended  an  invalid 
or  a  younger  friend,  then  Miss  Smith  might  be  as  in- 
dependent as  she  pleased;  she  would  suffer  from  no 
injurious  comments.  Even  the  foreigner,  who  does 
not  believe  in  the  eccentricities  of  the  English  "  Mees," 
would  have  no  word  to  say  against  her.  A  good-look- 
ing elderly  girl  might  say,  "There  is,  then,  a  premium 
on  ugliness";  but  that  we  do  not  mean.  Handsome 
women  can  conduct  themselves  so  well  that  the  breath 
of  reproach  need  not  and  does  not  touch  them,  and 
ugly  women  may  and  do  Sometimes  gain  an  unde- 
served reproach. 

There  are  some  people  who  are  born  with  what 
we  call,  for  want  of  a  better  name,  a  pinchbeck  air. 
Their  jewelry  never  looks  like  real  gold;  their  man- 
ner is  always  bad;  they  have  the  false  air  of  fashion, 
not  the  real  one.  Such  people,  especially  if  single, 
receive  many  a  snub  which  they  do  not  deserve,  and 
to  a  woman  of  this  style  a  companion  is  almost  nec- 
essary. Fortunately  there  are  almost  always  two 
women  who  can  join  forces  in  travelling  or  in  living 
together,  and  the  independence  of  such  a  couple  is 
delightful.  We  have  repeated  testimony  in  English 
literature  of  the  pleasant  lives  of  the  Ladies  of  Llan- 
gollen,  of  the  lives  of  Miss  Jewsbury  and  Lady  Mor- 

221 


jjattttgrg  attin  Mortal 


gan,  and  of  the  model  sisters  Berry.  In  our  own 
country  we  have  almost  abolished  the  idea  that  a  com- 
panion is  necessary  for  women  of  talent  who  are  phy- 
sicians or  artists  or  musicians;  but  to  those  who  are 
still  in  the  trammels  of  private  life  we  can  say  that 
the  presence  of  a  companion  need  not  destroy  their 
liberty,  and  it  may  add  very  much  to  their  happiness. 
There  is,  no  doubt,  a  great  pleasure  in  the  added  free- 
dom of  life  which  comes  to  an  elderly  girl.  '  *  I  can  wear 
a  velvet  dress  now,"  said  an  exceedingly  handsome 
woman  on  her  thirtieth  birthday.  In  England  an  un- 
married woman  of  fifty  is  called  "Mrs.,"  if  she  prefers 
that  title.  So  many  delightful  women  are  late  in  loving, 
so  many  are  true  to  some  buried  love,  so  many  are 
"elderly  girls"  from  choice,  and  from  no  neglect  of  the 
stronger  sex,  that  to  them  should  be  accorded  all  the 
respect  which  is  supposed  to  accrue  naturally  to  the 
married.  "It  takes  a  very  superior  woman  to  be  an 
old  maid,"  said  Miss  Sedgwick. 


CHAPTER  XXVIII 

OPTIONAL    CIVILITIES 

HERE  are  many  optional  civilities  in  life 
which  add  very  much  to  its  charm  if  ob- 
served, but  which  cannot  be  called  indis- 
pensable. To  those  which  are  harmless  and 
graceful  we  shall  give  a  cursory  glance,  and  to 
those  which  are  doubtful  and  perhaps  harmful 
we  shall  also  briefly  allude,  leaving  it  to  the  common- 
sense  of  the  reader  as  to  whether  he  will  hereafter 
observe  in  his  own  manners  these  so-called  optional 
civilities. 

In  France,  when  a  gentleman  takes  off  his  hat  in  a 
windy  street  or  in  an  exposed  passageway,  and  holds 
it  in  his  hand  while  talking  to  a  lady,  she  always  says, 
"Couvrez  vous"  (I  beg  of  you  not  to  stand  uncovered.) 
A  kind-hearted  woman  says  this  to  a  boatman,  a  coach- 
man, a  man  of  low  degree,  who  always  takes  off  his 
hat  when  a  lady  speaks  to  him.  Now  in  our  country, 
unfortunately,  the  cabmen  have  such  bad  manners 
that  a  lady  seldom  has  the  opportunity  of  this  optional 
civility,  for,  unlike  a  similar  class  in  Europe,  those  who 
serve  you  for  your  money  in  America  often  throw  in 
a  good  deal  of  incivility  with  the  service,  and  no  book 
15  223 


iflannrra  an&  Mortal 


WW§HM"§"g"S"|^^ 

of  etiquette  is  more  needed  than  one  which  should 
teach  shop-girls  and  shop-men  the  beauty  and  advan- 
tages of  a  respectful  manner.  By  this  we  do  not  mean 
a  servile  or  cringing  attitude.  In  a  country  where  all 
are  equal  before  the  law,  every  one  has  a  right  to  bear 
himself  with  the  dignity  of  an  American  citizen.  But 
rudeness  is  not  dignity.  A  self  -  respecting  man  or 
woman  should  certainly  show  to  others  the  respect 
which  he  desires  them  to  extend  to  him.  If  men  who 
drive  carriages  and  street  cabs  would  learn  the  most 
advantageous  way  of  making  money,  they  would  learn 
to  touch  their  hats  to  a  lady  when  she  speaks  to  them  or 
gives  an  order.  It  is  always  done  in  the  Old  World, 
and  this  respectful  air  adds  infinitely  to  the  pleasures 
of  foreign  travel. 

In  all  foreign  hotels  the  landlords  enforce  such  re- 
spect on  the  part  of  the  waiters  to  the  guests  of  the 
hotel  that  if  two  complaints  are  made  of  incivility,  the 
man  or  woman  complained  of  is  immediately  dismissed. 
In  a  livery-stable,  if  the  hired  coachman  is  complained 
of  for  an  uncivil  answer,  or  even  a  silence  which  is 
construed  as  incivility,  he  is  immediately  discharged. 
On  the  lake  of  Como,  if  a  lady  steps  down  to  a  wharf 
to  hire  a  boat,  every  boatman  takes  off  his  cap  until 
she  has  finished  speaking,  and  remains  uncovered  until 
she  asks  him  to  put  on  his  hat. 

Now  optional  civilities,  such  as  saying  to  one's 
social  inferior,  "Do  not  stand  without  your  hat,"  to 
one's  equal,  "Do  not  rise,  I  beg  of  you,"  "Do  not 
come  out  in  the  rain  to  put  me  in  my  carriage,"  nat- 

224 


Optional  fflttriUtt*j0 


urally  occur  to  the  kind-hearted,  but  they  may  be 
cultivated.  It  used  to  be  enumerated  among  the  uses 
of  foreign  travel  that  a  man  went  away  a  bear  and 
came  home  a  gentleman.  It  is  not  natural  to  the 
Anglo-Saxon  race  to  be  over -polite.  They  have  no 
petits  sains.  A  husband  in  France  moves  out  an  easy- 
chair  for  his  wife  and  sets  a  footstool  for  every  lady. 
He  hands  her  the  morning  paper,  he  brings  a  shawl  if 
there  is  danger  of  a  draught,  he  kisses  her  hand  when 
he  comes  in,  and  he  tries  to  make  himself  agreeable  to 
her  in  the  matter  of  these  little  optional  civilities.  It 
has  the  most  charming  effect  upon  all  domestic  life, 
and  we  find  a  curious  allusion  to  the  politeness  ob- 
served by  French  sons  towards  their  mothers  and 
fathers  in  one  of  Moliere's  comedies,  where  a  prodigal 
son  speaks  to  his  father,  who  comes  to  denounce  him. 
"Pray,  sir,  take  a  chair,"  says  Prodigal;  "you  could 
scold  me  so  much  more  at  your  ease  if  you  were  seated." 
In  the  matter  of  "keeping  a  hotel" — a  slang  expres- 
sion which  has  become  a  proverb — how  well  the  women 
in  Europe  understand  their  business,  and  how  poorly 
the  women  in  America  understand  theirs!  In  England 
and  all  over  the  Continent  the  newly  arrived  stranger 
is  received  by  a  woman  neatly  dressed,  with  pleasant, 
respectful  manners,  who  is  overflowing  with  optional 
civilities.  She  conducts  the  lady  to  her  room,  asks  if 
she  will  have  the  blinds  drawn  or  open,  if  she  will  have 
hot  water  or  cold,  if  she  would  like  a  cup  of  tea,  etc.; 
she  sends  a  neat  chambermaid  to  take  her  orders, 
gets  her  pen  and  paper  for  her  notes — in  fact,  treats 

225 


fHattnrrs  ani   Mortal 


her  as  a  lady  should  treat  a  guest.  Even  in  very  rural 
districts  the  landlady  comes  out  to  her  own  door  to 
meet  the  stranger,  holds  her  neat  hand  to  assist  her 
to  alight,  and  performs  for  her  all  the  service  she  can 
while  she  is  under  her  roof. 

In  America  a  lady  may  alight  in  what  is  called  a 
tavern,  weary,  travel-stained,  and  with  a  headache- 
She  is  shown  into  a  waiting-room  where  sits,  perhaps, 
an  overdressed  woman  in  a  rocking-chair  violently 
fanning  herself.  She  learns  that  this  is  the  landlady. 
She  asks  if  she  can  have  a  room,  some  hot  water,  etc. 
The  answer  may  be,  "I  don't  know;  I  don't  have  to 
work;  perhaps  Jim  will  tell  you."  And  it  is  to  the 
man  of  the  house  that  the  traveller  must  apply.  It  is 
a  favorable  sign  that  American  men  are  never  ashamed 
to  labor,  although  they  may  not  overflow  with  civility. 
It  is  a  very  unfavorable  sign  for  the  women  of  America 
when  they  are  afraid  or  ashamed  of  work,  and  when 
they  hesitate  to  do  that  which  is  nearest  them  with 
civility  and  interest. 

Another  test  of  self-respect,  and  one  which  is  some- 
times lacking  in  those  whom  the  world  calls  fashion- 
able, those  who  have  the  possessions  which  the  major- 
ity of  us  desire  —  fine  houses,  fine  clothes,  wealth,  good 
position,  etc.  —  is  the  lack  or  the  presence  of  "fine  cour- 
tesy," which  shall  treat  every  one  so  that  he  or  she  is 
entirely  at  ease. 

"Society  is  the  intercourse  of  persons  on  a  footing 
of  apparent  equality,"  and  if  so,  any  one  in  it  w,ho 
treats  other  people  so  as  to  make  them  uncomfortable 

226 


©ptumal 


is  manifestly  unfit  for  society.  Now  an  optional 
courtesy  should  be  the  unfailing  custom  of  such  a 
woman,  we  will  say,  one  who  has  the  power  of  giving 
pain  by  a  slight,  who  can  wound  self-love  in  the  shy, 
can  make  a  debutante  stammer  and  blush,  can  annoy 
a  shy  youth  by  a  sneer.  How  many  a  girl  has  had 
her  society  life  ruined  by  the  cruelty  of  a  society 
leader!  how  many  a  young  man  has  had  his  blood 
frozen  by  a  contemptuous  smile  at  his  awkwardness! 
How  much  of  the  native  good-will  of  an  impulsive 
person  has  been  frozen  into  a  caustic  and  sardonic 
temper  by  the  lack  of  a  little  optional  civility!  The 
servant  who  comes  for  a  place,  and  seats  herself  while 
the  lady  who  speaks  to  her  is  standing,  is  wanting  in 
optional  civility.  She  sins  from  ignorance,  and  should 
be  kindly  told  of  her  offence,  and  taught  better  man- 
ners. The  rich  woman  who  treats  a  guest  impolitely, 
the  landlady  who  sits  in  her  rocking-chair  while  the 
traveller  waits  for  those  comforts  which  her  house  of 
call  is  supposed  to  provide,  all  are  guilty  of  the  same 
offence.  It  hurts  the  landlady  and  the  servant  more, 
indeed,  than  it  does  the  rich  woman,  because  it  renders 
her  self-imposed  task  of  getting  a  living  the  more 
difficult,  but  it  is  equally  reprehensible  in  all  three. 

Good  manners  are  said  to  be  the  result  of  a  kind 
heart  and  careful  home  training;  bad  manners,  the  re- 
sult of  a  coarse  nature  and  unwise  training.  We  are 
prone  to  believe  that  bad  manners  in  Americans  are 
almost  purely  from  want  of  thought.  There  is  no 
more  generous,  kindly,  or  better  person  in  the  world 
/  227 


liiantters  attft  Mortal 


*• 


than  the  standard  American,  but  he  is  often  an  un- 
trained creature.  The  thousands  of  immigrants  who 
land  on  our  shores,  with  privileges  which  they  never 
thought  to  have  thrust  upon  them,  how  can  they  im- 
mediately learn  good  manners?  In  the  Old  World 
tradition  of  power  is  still  so  fresh  that  they  have  to 
learn  respect  for  their  employers  there.  Here  there 
are  no  such  traditions. 

The  first  duty,  then,  it  would  seem,  both  for  those 
to  whom  fortune  has  been  kind  and  for  those  who  are 
still  courting  her  favors,  would  be  to  study  optional 
civility;  not  only  the  decencies  of  life,  but  a  little 
more.  Not  only  be  virtuous,  but  have  the  shadows  of 
virtue.  Be  polite;  be  engaging;  give  a  cordial  bow,  a 
gracious  smile;  make  sunshine  in  a  shady  place.  Be- 
gin at  home  with  your  optional  civility.  Not  only 
avoid  those  serious  breaches  of  manners  which  should 
cause  a  man  to  kick  another  man  down-stairs,  but  go 
further  than  good  manners — have  better  manners.  Let 
men  raise  their  hats  to  women,  give  up  seats  in  cars, 
kiss  the  hand  of  an  elderly  lady  if  she  confers  the 
honor  of  her  acquaintance  upon  them,  protect  the 
weak,  assist  the  fallen,  and  cultivate  civility;  in  every 
class  of  life  this  would  oil  the  wheels;  and  especially 
let  American  women  seek  to  mend  their  manners. 

Optional  civility  does  not  in  any  way  include  famil- 
iarity. We  doubt  whether  it  is  not  the  best  of  all  ar- 
mor against  it.  Familiarity  is  "bad  style."  It  is  in 
doubtful  taste  to  warn  people  of  their  faults,  to  com- 
ment upon  their  lack  of  taste,  to  carry  them  disagree- 

228 


©pttonal   (Eintiittrs 


able  tidings,  imder  the  name  of  friendship.  On  the 
Continent,  where  diffidence  is  unknown,  where  a  man, 
whoever  he  may  be,  has  the  right  to  speak  to  his  fellow- 
man  (if  he  does  it  civilly),  where  a  woman  finds  other 
women  much  more  polite  to  her  than  women  are  to 
one  another  in  this  country,  there  is  no  familiarity.  It 
is  almost  an  insult  to  touch  a  person;  for  instance,  no 
one  places  his  hand  on  the  arm  or  shoulder  of  another 
person  unless  there  is  the  closest  intimacy;  but  every- 
where there  is  an  optional  civility  freely  given  between 
poor  and  poor,  rich  and  poor,  rich  and  rich,  superiors 
and  inferiors,  between  equals.  It  would  be  pleasant 
to  follow  this  out  in  detail,  the  results  are  so  agreeable 
and  so  honorable. 


CHAPTER  XXIX 


GOOD   AND    BAD   SOCIETY 

ANY  argumentative  persons  ask  us  to  define 
what  is  meant  by  the  terms  "good  society" 
and  "bad  society."  They  say  that  they  read 
in  the  newspapers  of  the  "good  society" 
in  New  York  and  Washington  and  Newport, 
and  that  it  is  a  record  of  drunkenness,  flir- 
tation, bad  manners,  and  gossip,  backbiting,  divorce, 
and  slander.  They  read  that  the  fashionable  people 
at  popular  resorts  commit  all  sorts  of  vulgarities,  such 
as  talking  aloud  at  the  opera,  and  disturbing  their 
neighbors;  that  young  men  go  to  a  dinner,  get  drunk, 
and  break  glasses;  and  one  ingenuous  young  girl  re- 
marks, "We  do  not  call  that  good  society  in  Chicago." 
Such  a  question  might  have  been  written  to  that 
careful  chronicler  of  "good  society"  in  the  days  of 
Charles  II.,  old  Pepys  of  courtly  fame.  The  young 
maiden  of  Hertfordshire,  far  from  the  court,  might 
well  have  thought  of  Rochester  and  such  "gay  sparks," 
and  the  ladies  who  threw  glasses  of  wine  at  them,  as 
not  altogether  well-bred  nor  entitled  to  admission  into 
"good  society."  We  cannot  blame  her.  ^ 

It  is  the  old  story.     Where,  too,  as  in  af  land, 
230 

f 


pleasure  and  luxury  rule  a  certain  set  who  enjoy  no 
tradition  of  good  manners,  the  contradiction  in  terms  is 
the  more  apparent.  Even  the  external  forms  of  respect 
to  good  manners  are  wanting.  No  such  overt  vulgar- 
ity, for  instance,  as  talking  aloud  at  the  opera  will 
ever  be  endured  in  London,  because  a  powerful  class  of 
really  well-born  and  well-bred  people  will  hiss  it  down, 
and  insist  on  the  quiet  which  music,  of  all  things,  de- 
mands. That  is  what  we  mean  by  a  tradition  of  good 
manners. 

A  young  man  must  acquire,  or  attempt  to  acquire, 
the  conventional  habits  and  manners  of  a  gentleman. 
If  he  have  already  the  grace  of  high  culture,  he  should 
seek  to  add  to  it  the  knowledge  of  social  laws,  which  will 
render  him  an  agreeable  person  to  be  met  in  society. 
He  must  learn  how  to  write  a  graceful  note,  and  to 
answer  his  invitations  promptly;  he  must  learn  the 
etiquette  of  dress  and  of  leaving  cards;  he  must  learn 
how  to  eat  his  dinner  gracefully,  and,  even  if  he  sees 
in  good  society  men  of  external  polish  guilty  of  a 
rudeness  which  would  have  shocked  the  man  who  in 
the  Scotch  Highlands  fed  and  milked  the  cows,  he 
still  must  not  forget  that  society  demands  something 
which  is  not  found  in  the  farm-yard.  Carlyle,  him- 
self the  greatest  radical  and  democrat  in  the  world, 
found  that  life  at  Craigenputtock  would  not  do  all 
for  him,  that  he  must  go  to  London  and  Edinburgh 
to  rub  off  his  solitary  neglect  of  manners,  and  strive 
to  be  like  other  people. 

The  late  Queen  of  England  was  always  polite  to 
231 


anft  Mortal 


men  of  letters,  and  to  the  clergy,  whether  they  were 
polished  in  manner  or  not.  On  the  contrary,  some 
of  her  greatest  favorites  were,  like  Carlyle,  the  sons  of 
peasants.  She  did  not  hesitate  to  rebuke  and  refuse  to 
receive  some  high-bred  but  immoral  dukes;  and  a  duke 
in  England  is  a  very  great  personage:  next  to  royalty 
he  is  the  highest.  In  this  respect,  for  a  good  intention, 
the  world  has  reason  to  thank  Queen  Victoria;  yet 
such  is  the  reverence  felt  for  rank  and  hereditary  name 
in  England  that  a  duke,  however  bad,  continues  in  the 
circles  of  fashion,  still  courted  for  his  title,  even  if  the 
highest  lady  in  the  land  has  rebuked  him;  and  this 
may  be  said  of  a  bad  duchess. 

Queen  Victoria  refused  to  receive  the  friends  of  the 
Prince  of  Wales,  particularly  some  of  his  American 
favorites,  because  she  esteemed  good  manners  and  a 
virtuous  life  as  a  part  of  good  society. 

The  higher  the  civilization,  the  better  the  society, 
it  being  always  borne  in  mind  that  there  will  be  found 
here  and  there  the  objectionable  outgrowths  of  a  false 
luxury  and  of  an  insincere  culture.  No  doubt,  among 
the  circles  of  the  highest  nobility,  while  the  king  and 
queen  may  be  people  of  simple  and  unpretending  man- 
ners, there  may  be  some  arrogant  and  self-sufficient 
master  of  ceremonies,  some  Malvolio  whose  pomposity 
is  in  strange  contrast  to  the  good-breeding  of  Olivia. 
It  is  the  lesser  star  which  twinkles  most.  "The  School 
for  Scandal"  is  a  lasting  picture  of  the  folly  and 
frivolity  of  a  certain  phase  of  London  society  in  the 
past,  and  it  repeats  itself  in  every  decade.  There  is 

232 


always  a  Mrs.  Candor,  a  Sir  Benjamin  Backbite,  and 
a  scandalous  college  at  Newport,  in  New  York,  Mil- 
waukee, Philadelphia,  Boston,  Baltimore,  Chicago,  Bar 
Harbor,  wherever  society  congregates.  It  is  the  nec- 
essary imperfection,  the  seamy  side.  Such  is  the  re- 
verse of  the  pattern.  Unfortunately,  the  right  side  is 
not  so  easily  described.  The  colors  of  a  beautiful  bit 
of  brocade  are,  when  seen  as  a  whole,  so  judiciously 
blended  that  they  can  hardly  be  pronounced  upon 
individually:  one  only  admires  the  general  effect,  and 
that  uncritically,  perhaps. 

That  society  is  bad  whose  members,  however  tena- 
cious they  be  of  forms  of  etiquette  and  elaborate  cer- 
emonials, have  one  code  of  manners  for  those  whom 
they  deem  their  equals,  and  another  for  those  whom 
they  esteem  to  be  of  less  importance  to  them  by  rea- 
son of  age,  pecuniary  condition,  or  relative  social  in- 
fluence. Bad  manners  are  apt  to  prove  the  concom- 
itant of  a  mind  and  disposition  that  are  none  too 
good,  and  the  fashionable  woman  who  slights  and 
wounds  people  because  they  cannot  minister  to  her 
ambition  challenges  a  merciless  criticism  of  her  own 
moral  shortcomings.  A  young  girl  who  is  imperti- 
nent or  careless  in  her  demeanor  to  her  mother  or 
her  mother's  friends,  who  talks  slang,  who  is  careless 
in  her  bearing  towards  young  men,  permitting  them  to 
treat  her  as  if  she  were  one  of  themselves,  who  accepts 
the  attention  of  a  young  man  of  bad  character  or  dis- 
sipated habits  because  he  happens  to  be  rich,  who  is 
loud  in  dress  and  rough  in  manner — such  a  young  girl 

233 


JHattttfra  atti  Serial 


is  "bad  society,"  be  she  the  daughter  of  an  earl  or  a 
hod-carrier.  There  are  many  such  instances  of  au- 
dacity in  the  so-called  "good  society"  of  America, 
but  such  people  do  not  spoil  it;  they  simply  isolate 
themselves. 

A  young  man  is  "bad  society"  who  is  indifferent 
to  those  older  than  himself,  who  neglects  to  acknowl- 
edge invitations,  who  sits  while  a  lady  stands,  who 
goes  to  a  ball  and  does  not  speak  to  his  host,  who 
is  selfish,  who  is  notoriously  immoral  and  careless  of 
his  good  name,  and  who  throws  discredit  on  his  father 
and  mother  by  showing  his  ill-breeding. 

A  parvenu  who  assumes  to  keep  other  people  out 
of  the  society  which  she  has  just  conquered,  whose 
thoughts  are  wholly  upon  social  success  (which  means, 
with  her,  knowing  somebody  who  has  heretofore  re- 
fused to  know  her),  who  is  climbing,  and  throwing 
backward  looks  of  disdain  upon  those  who  also  climb 
—  such  a  woman,  unfortunately  too  common  in  Amer- 
ica, is,  when  she  happens  to  have  achieved  a  fashion- 
able position,  one  of  the  worst  instances  of  bad  society. 
She  may  be  very  prominent,  powerful,  and  influential. 
She  may  have  money  and  she  may  "entertain,"  and 
people  desirous  of  being  amused  may  court  her,  and 
her  bad  manners  will  be  accepted  by  the  careless  ob- 
server as  one  of  the  concomitants  of  fashion.  The 
reverse  is  true.  She  is  an  interloper  in  the  circles  of 
good  society. 

It  will  thus  be  seen  that  "fashion  has  many  classes, 
and  many  rules  of  probation  and  admission.  "  A  young 

234 


lah 


person  ignorant  of  its  laws  should  not  be  deluded, 
however,  by  false  appearances. 

If  you  meet  with  rudeness,  take  no  revenge,  cast  no 
aspersions.  Wit  and  tact,  accomplishments  and  social 
talents,  may  have  elevated  some  woman  to  a  higher 
popularity  than  another,  but  no  woman  will  gain  that 
height  by  complaining.  Command  of  temper,  delicacy 
of  feeling,  and  elegance  of  manner  —  all  these  are  de- 
manded of  the  persons  who  become  leaders  of  society 
and  would  remain  so.  They  alone  are  "good  soci- 
ety." Their  imitators  may  masquerade  for  a  time, 
and  tread  on  toes,  and  fling  scorn  and  insult  about 
them  while  in  a  false  and  insecure  supremacy;  but 
such  pretenders  to  the  throne  are  soon  unseated. 
There  is  a  dreadful  overthrow  awaiting  them.  They 
distrust  their  own  flatterers;  their  "appanage"  is  not 
a  solid  one. 

People  who  are  looking  on  at  society  from  a  dis- 
tance must  remember  that  women  of  the  world  are 
not  always  worldly  women.  They  forget  that  brill- 
iancy in  society  may  be  accompanied  by  the  best 
heart  and  the  sternest  principle.  The  best  people  of 
the  world  are  those  who  know  the  world  best.  They 
recognize  the  fact  that  this  world  should  be  known 
and  served  and  treated  with  as  much  respect  and  sin- 
cerity as  that  other  world,  which  is  to  be  our  reward 
for  having  conquered  the  one  in  which  we  live  now. 


CHAPTER  XXX 
SOCIETY'S  SMALL-TALK 

E  of  the  most  difficult  questions  to  answer  is, 
What  shall  I  talk  about  at  a  dinner-party?" 
For  if  there   is  a  woman  in  the  world  who 
does  not  know  what  to  talk  about,  is  it  not 
a  very  difficult  thing  to  tell  her?     One  can 
almost  as  well  answer  such  a  question  as, 
"What  shall  I  see  out  of  my  eyes?" 

Yet  our  young  lady  is  not  the  first  person  who  has 
dilated  of  late  years  upon  the  "decay  of  conversa- 
tion," nor  the  only  one  who  has  sometimes  felt  the 
heaviness  of  silence  descend  upon  her  at  a  modern 
dinner.  No  doubt  this  same  great  and  unanswerable 
question  has  been  asked  by  many  a  traveller  who,  for 
the  first  time,  has  sat  next  an  Englishman  of  good 
family  (perhaps  even  with  a  handle  to  his  name) ,  who 
has  answered  all  remarks  by  the  proverbial  but  un- 
sympathetic "Oh!"  Indeed,  it  is  to  be  feared  that  it 
is  a  fashion  for  young  men  nowadays  to  appear  indif- 
ferent, to  conceal  what  ideas  they  may  happen  to  have, 
to  try  to  appear  stupid,  if  they  are  not  so,  throwing 
all  the  burden  of  the  conversation  on  the  lively,  viva- 
cious, good-humored  girl,  or  the  more  accomplished 

336 


'0  Small-talk 


married  woman,  who  may  be  'the  next  neighbor. 
Women's  wits  are  proverbially  quick,  they  talk  readi- 
ly, they  read  and  think  more  than  the  average  young 
man  of  fashion  is  prone  to  do;  the  result  is  a  quick 
and  a  ready  tongue.  Yet  the  art  of  keeping  up  a  flow 
of  agreeable  and  incessant  small -talk,  not  too  heavy, 
not  pretentious  or  egotistical,  not  scandalous,  and  not 
commonplace,  is  an  art  that  is  rare,  and  hardly  to  be 
prized  too  highly. 

t  has  been  well  said  that  there  is  a  great  difference 
between  a  brilliant  conversationalist  and  a  ready  small- 
talker.  The  former  is  apt  to  be  feared  and  to  pro- 
duce a  silence  around  him.  Wo  all  rnm^mbcr  Macau 
hTjnm.iniiri»i"hio  'bfilliant  flaohoo  of  oilence."  We  all 
know  that  there  are  talkers  so  distinguished  that  you 
must  not  ask  both  of  them  to  dinner  on  the  same  day 
lest  they  silence  each  other,  while  we  know  others 
who  bring  to  us  just  an  average  amount  of  tact,  facil- 
ity of  expression,  gomialiiy^a  pleasant  gift  at  a 
quotation,infflrl  i  bifr'ofr'f&pai'tee;  such  a  person  we  call  a 
ready  small-talker,  a  "most  agreeable  person,"  one  who 
frightens  nobody  and  who  has  a  great  popularity. 
The  first  point  to  be  considered,  if  one  has  no  inspira- 
tion in  regard  to  small-talk,  would  seem  to  be  this: 
try  to  consider  what  subject  would  most  interest  the 
person  next  to  you.  There  are  people  who  have  no 
other  talent,  whom  we  never  call  clever,  but  who  do 
possess  this  instinct,  and  who  can  talk  most  sym- 
pathetically, while  knowing  scarcely  anything  about 
the  individual  addressed.  There  are  others  who  are 

237 


anb  Mortal 


3HgHM"|H|HgHSKHfr^^ 

deficient  in  this  gift,  who  can  only  say  "Really"  and 
'  '  Indeed.  '  '  These  '  '  Really  "  and  '  '  Indeed  "  and  "  Oh  " 
people  are  the  despair  of  the  dinner-giver. 

It  is  a  good  plan  for  a  shy  young  person,  who  has 
no  confidence  in  her  own  powers  of  conversation,  to 
fortify  herself  with  several  topics  of  general  interest, 
such  as  the  last  new  novel,  the  last  opera,  the  best  and 
newest  gallery  of  pictures,  or  the  flower  in  fashion, 
and  to  invent  a  formula,  if  words  are  wanting  in  her 
organization,  as  to  how  these  subjects  should  be  intro-^ 
duced  and  handled.  Many  ideas  will  occur  to  her, 
and  she  can  silently  arrange  them.  Then  she  may 
keep  these  as  a  reserve  force,  using  them  only  when 
the  conversation  drops,  or  she  is  unexpectedly-  brought 
to  the  necessity  of  keeping  up  the  ball  alone.  Some 
people  use  this  power  rather  unfairly,  leading  the  con- 
versation up  to  the  point  where  they  wish  to  enter; 
but  these  are  not  the  people  who  need  help  —  they  can 
take  care  of  themselves.  After  talking  awhile  in  a 
perfunctory  manner,  many  a  shy  young  person  has 
been  astonished  by  a  sudden  rush  of  brilliant  ideas, 
and  finds  herself  talking  naturally  and  well  without 
effort.  It  is  like  the  launching  of  a  ship;  certain 
blocks  of  shyness  and  habits  of  mental  reserve  are 
knocked  away,  and  the  brave  frigate  Small-talk  takes 
the  water  like  a  thing  of  life. 

JJL/  It  demands  much  tact  and  cleverness  to  touch  upon 

**the  ordinary  events  of  the  day  at  a  mixed  dinner,  be- 

cause, in  the  first  place,  nothing  should  be  said  which 

can  hurt  any  one's  feelings,  politics,  religion,  and  the 

238 


stock-market  being  generally  ruled  out;  nor  should 
one  talk  about  that  which  everybody  knows,  for  such 
small-talk  is  impertinent  and  irritating.  No  one  wishes 
to  be  told  that  which  he  already  understands  better, 
perhaps,  than  we  do.  Nor  are  matters  of  too  private 
a  nature,  such  as  one's  health,  or  one's  servants,  or 
one's  disappointments,  still  less  one's  good  deeds,  to 
be  talked  about. 

p*  Commonplace  people  also  sometimes  try  society  very 
>  much  by  their  own  inane  and  wholly  useless  criticisms. 
Supposing  we  take  up  music;  it  is  far  more  agreeable 
to  hear  a  person  say,  "How  do  you  like  Melba?"  than 
to  hear  him  say,  "I  like  Melba,  and  I  have  these  reasons 
for  liking  her."  Let  that  come  afterwards.  When  a 
person  really  qualified  to  discuss  artists,  or  literary 
people,  or  artistic  points,  talks  sensibly  and  in  a 
chatty,  easy  way  about  them,  it  is  the  perfection  of 
conversation;  but  when  one  wholly  and  utterly  in- 
competent to  do  so  lays  down  the  law  on  such  sub- 
jects he  or  she  becomes  a  bore.  But  if  the  young 
person  who  does  not  know  how  to  talk  treats  these 
questions  interrogatively,  ten  chances  to  one,  unless 
she  is  seated  next  an  imbecile,  she  will  get  some  very 
good  and  light  small-talk  out  of  her  next  neighbor. 

A  good  story  was  told  of  a  bright  New  York  girl  and 
a  very  stupid  Englishman  at  a  Newport  dinner.  The 
Englishman  had  said  "Oh"  and  "Really"  and 
"Quite  so"  to  everything  which  this  bright  girl  had 
asked  him,  when  finally,  very  tired  and  very  angry, 
she  said,  "Were  you  ever  thrown  in  the  hunting-field, 
16  239 


JHatttterg  anS  Mortal 


«"t"S»S"S"l"»«S"S^^ 

and  was  your  head  hurt  ?"  The  man  turned  and  gazed 
admiringly.  "Now  you've  got  me,"  was  the  reply. 
And  he  talked  all  the  rest  of  the  dinner  of  his  croppers. 
Perhaps  it  may  not  be  necessary  or  useful  often  to 
unlock  so  rich  a  repertoire  as  this;  but  it  was  a  very 
welcome  relief  to  this  young  lady  not  to  do  all  the  talk- 
ing during  two  hours. 

1  After  a  first  introduction  there  is,  no  doubt,  some 
difficulty  in  starting  a  conversation.  The  weather,  the 
newspaper,  the  last  accident,  the  little  dog,  the  pictures, 
the  love  of  horses,  etc.,  are  good  and  unfailing  resources, 
except  that  very  few  people  have  the  readiness  to  re- 
member this  wealth  of  subjects  at  once.  To  recollect 
a  thing  apropos  of  the  moment  is  the  gift  of  ready- 
witted  people  alone,  and  how  many  remember,  hours 
after,  a  circumstance  which  would  have  told  at  that 
particular  moment  of  embarrassment  when  one  stood 
twiddling  his  hat  and  another  twisted  her  handker- 
chief. The  French  call  "Vesprit  d'escalier"  —  "the  wit 
•of  the  staircase"  —  the  gift  of  remembering  the  good 
thing  you  might  have  said  in  the  drawing-room,  just 
too  late,  as  you  go  up-stairs.  However,  two  newly  in- 
troduced persons  generally  overcome  this  moment  of 
embarrassment,  and  then  some  simple  offer  of  service, 
such  as,  "May  I  get  you  a  chair?"  "Is  the  air  from 
that  window  too  cold?"  "May  I  bring  you  some  tea?" 
occurs,  and  then  the  small-talk  follows. 

Gossip  may  promote  small-talk  among  those  who 
are  very  intimate  and  who  live  in  a  narrow  circle. 
But  how  profoundly  uninteresting  is  it  to  an  out- 

240 


'0  §>maU-talk 


sider! — how  useless  to  the  real  man  or  woman  of  the 
world!  That  is,  unless  it  is  literary,  musical,  artistic 
gossip.  Scandal  ruins  conversation,  and  should  never 
be  included  even  in  a  definition  of  small-talk.  Polite , 
humorous,  vivacious,  speculative,  dry,  sarcastic,  epi- 
grammatic, intellectual,  and  practical  people  all  meet, 
around  a  dinner-table,  and  much  agreeable  small-talk 
should  be  the  result.  It  is  unfortunately  true  that 
there  is  sometimes  a  failure  in  this  respect.  Let  a 
hostess  remember  one  thing:  there  is  no  chance  for 
vivacity  of  intellect  if  her  room  is  too  warm;  her  flow- 
ers and  her  guests  will  wilt  together.  There  are  those 
also  who  prefer  her  good  dishes  to  talking,  and  the  old 
gentleman  in  Punch,  who  rebuked  his  lively  neighbor 
for  talking  while  there  were  "such  entrees  coming  in," 
has  his  counterparts  among  ourselves. 

Some  shy  talkers  have  a  sort  of  empirical  way  of 
starting  a  subject  with  a  question  like  this:  "Do  you 
know  the  meaning  and  derivation  of  the  term  'bric-k- 
brac?'"  "Do  you  believe  in  ghosts?"  "What  do  you 
think  of  a  woman's  club  ?"  "Do  you  believe  in  chance ?" 
"Is  there  more  talent  displayed  in  learning  the  violin 
than  in  playing  a  first-rate  game  of  chess?"  etc. 

These  are  intellectual  conundrums,  and  may  be  re- 
peated indefinitely  where  the  person  questioned  is  dis- 
posed to  answer.  With  a  flow  of  good  spirits  and  the 
feeling  of  ease  which  comes  from  a  knowledge  of  soci- 
ety, such  questions  often  bring  out  what  Margaret 
Fuller  called  "good  talk." 

But  if  your  neighbor  says  "Oh,"  "Really,"  "In- 
241 


anil  hartal  Haaggg 


deed,"  "I  don't  know,"  then  the  best  way  is  to  be 
purely  practical,  and  talk  of  the  chairs  and  tables,  and 
the  existing  order  of  things,  the  length  of  trains,  or 
the  shortness  of  the  dresses  of  the  young  ladies  at  the 
last  ball,  the  prevailing  idea  that  "ice-  water  is  un- 
healthy," and  other  such  extremely  easy  ideas.  The 
best  way  to  learn  how  to  talk  is,  of  course,  to  learn 
how  to  think:  from  full  wells  one  brings  up  buckets 
full  of  clear  water,  but  there  can  be  small-talk  without 
much  thought.  The  merest  trifle  generally  suffices  to 
start  the  flow  of  small-talk,  and  the  person  who  can  use 
this  agreeable  weapon  of  society  is  always  popular  and 
verv  much  courted. 


CHAPTER  XXXI 


DRESS 


UESTIONS  are  often  asked  as  to  the  appropri- 
ate dress  to  be  worn  at  afternoon  tea,  at  balls, 
at  dinners,  christenings,  etc. 

Neatness  and  simple  elegance  should  al- 
\mutj  ways  characterize  a  lady,  and  after  that  she 
^9  I  may  dress  as  expensively  as  she  pleases,  if  she 
only  does  so  at  the  right  time.  And  we  may  say  here 
that  simplicity  and"  plainness  characterize  many  a  rich 
woman  in  a  high  place;  one  can  always  tell  a  real 
from  an  imitation  lady  by  her  style  of  dress.  Vulgar- 
ity is  readily  seen  even  under  a  costly  garment.  There 
should  be  harmony  and  fitness,  and  suitability  as  to 
age  and  times  and  seasons.  Every  one  can  avoid  vul- 
garity and  slovenliness;  and  in  these  days,  when  the 
fashions  travel  by  telegraph,  one  can  be  £  la  mode. 

For  balls  in  this  country,  elderly  women  are  not  ex- 
pected to  go  in  low  neck  unless  they  wish  to,  so  that 
the  chaperon  can  wear  a  dress  such  as  she  would  wear 
at  a  dinner — either  a  velvet  or  brocade,  cut  out  slightly 
and  filled  in  with  lace.  All  her  ornaments  should 
match  in  character,  and  she  should  be  as  unlike  her 
charge  as  possible.  The  young  girls  look  best  in  light 

243 


anft  Mortal 


gossamer  material,  in  tulle,  crape,  or  chiffon,  in  pale, 
light  colors,  or  in  white,  while  an  elderly,  stout  woman 
never  looks  so  badly  as  in  low-necked  light-colored 
silks  or  satins.  Young  women  look  well  in  natural 
flowers;  elderly  women,  in  feathers  and  jewelled  head- 
dresses. 

No  woman  should  overdress  in  her  own  house;  it  is 
the  worst  possible  taste  to  try  to  outshine  one's  guests. 
All  dress  should  correspond  to  the  spirit  of  the  enter- 
tainment given.  One  does  not  dress  for  a  morning's 
shopping  as  for  an  afternoon's  reception.  A  costume 
suitable  in  a  private  carriage  or  motor  may  be  quite 
out  of  place  in  a  street-car  or  on  a  pedestrian.  What 
may  do  for  a  wedding-reception  will  not  be  fit  for  a 
picnic  or  an  excursion.  Lawn-parties,  flower  shows, 
and  promenade  concerts  should  all  be  dressed  for  in 
a  gay,  bright  fashion;  and  the  costumes  for  these  and 
for  yachting  purposes  may  be  as  effective  and  coquet- 
tish as  possible;  but  for  church,  for  readings,  for  a 
morning  concert,  for  a  walk,  or  a  morning  call  on  foot, 
a  tailor-made  costume,  with  plain,  dark  hat,  is  the  most 
to  be  admired. 

The  costumes  for  picnics,  excursions,  journeys, 
and  the  sea-side  should  be  of  a  strong  fabric, 
simple  cut,  and  plain  color.  Materials  which  will 
wash  are  better  for  our  climate.  Serge,  tweed, 
and  pique*  are  the  best.  The  trim  tailor-made 
dresses  and  short  skirts  for  sports  leave  nothing 
to  be  desired  as  to  conciseness  and  healthful- 
ness. 

244 


Some  Frenchman  said  he  could  tell  a  gentleman  by 
his  walk;  another  has  lately  said  that  he  can  tell  a 
lady  by  the  way  she  sits  down.  A  woman  is  allowed 
much  less  freedom  of  posture  than  a  man.  He  may 
change  his  position  as  he  likes,  and  loll  or  lounge, 
cross  his  legs,  or  even  nurse  his  foot  if  he  pleases;  but 
a  woman  must  have  grace  and  dignity;  in  every  gest- 
ure she  must  be  "lady-like."  Any  one  who  has  seen 
a  great  actress  like  Modjeska  sit  down  will  know  what 
an  acquired  grace  it  is. 

A  woman  should  remember  that  she  "belongs  to 
a  sex  which  cannot  afford  to  be  grotesque." 

Plain  satins  and  velvets,  rich  and  dark  brocades,  made 
by  an  artist,  make  any  one  look  well.  The  elderly 
woman  should  be  able  to  move  without  effort  or  strain 
of  any  kind;  a  black  silk  well  made  is  indispensable; 
and  even  "a  celebrity  of  a  by-gone  day"  may  be  made 
to  look  handsome  by  a  judicious  but  not  too  brilliant 
toilette. 

For  afternoon  tea  in  this  country  the  hostess  gener- 
ally wears  a  handsome  high-necked  gown;  low-cut 
dresses  being  reserved  for  dinner  and  evening  wear. 
For  visiting  at  afternoon  teas  no  change  is  made  from 
the  ordinary  walking-dress,  except  that  the  three  or 
four  ladies  who  help  receive  come  in  handsome  recep- 
tion-dresses. 

It  is  a  mistake  even  for  a  rich  woman  to  possess  too 
many  dresses.  They  get  out  of  fashion,  and,  excepting 
for  a  girl  going  out  to  many  balls,  they  are  entirely 
unnecessary.  A  girl  who  is  dancing  needs  to  have 

245 


iHanttrrs  attft  §>nrtal 


^^^^^^^^^^%^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^-^^^^^^!^^^^^^ 

her  wardrobe  perpetually  renewed,  for  she  should  be 
always  fresh,  and  the  "wear  and  tear"  of  the  cotillion 
is  enormous.  There  is  nothing  so  poor  as  a  dirty, 
faded,  and  patched-up  ball-dress;  the  dancer  had  bet- 
ter stay  at  home  than  wear  such. 

Tight  lacing  is  very  unbecoming  to  those  who  usually 
adopt  it  —  women  of  thirty-eight  or  forty,  who  are 
growing  a  little  too  stout.  In  thus  trussing  themselves 
up,  they  simply  get  an  unbecoming  redness  of  the  face, 
and  are  not  the  handsome,  comfortable-looking  creat- 
ures which  heaven  intended  they  should  be. 

School-girls  should  be  simply  and  quietly  dressed, 
with  little  or  no  jewelry.  A  young  girl  who  comes  to 
school  in  an  elaborate  and  expensive  costume,  and 
decked  out  with  finery,  shows  a  lack  of  good  taste  and 
ignorance  of  the  customs  of  the  best  society.  In  the 
evening  she  may  wear  a  pretty,  light  dress,  but  it 
should  be  simply  made. 


CHAPTER  XXXII 

ETIQUETTE    OF    MOURNING 

HERE  is  no  possibility  of  touching  upon  the 
subject  of  death  and  burial,  and  the  condi- 
tions under  which  funerals  should  be  con- 
ducted, without  hurting  some  one's  feelings. 
Custom,  which  makes  slaves  of  us  all,  has 
decreed  that  we  shall  wear  black,  as  a  mark 
of  respect  to  those  we  have  lost,  and  as  a  shroud  for 
ourselves,  protesting  against  the  gentle  ministration 
of  light  and  cheerfulness  with  which  our  Lord  ever 
strives  to  reach  us.  This  is  one  side  of  the  question; 
but,  again,  one  word  as  to  its  good  offices.  A  mourn- 
ing-dress does  protect  a  woman  while  in  deepest  grief 
against  the  untimely  gayety  of  a  passing  stranger.  It 
is  a  wall,  a  cell  of  refuge.  Behind  a  black  veil  she  can 
hide  herself  as  she  goes  out  for  business  or  recreation, 
fearless  of  any  intrusion. 

Questions  on  the  subject  of  the  etiquette  of  mourn- 
ing usually  begin  with  the  end,  as  it  were — the  return 
of  the  mourner  to  the  world. 

When  persons  who  have  been  in  mourning  wish  to 
re-enter  society,  they  should  leave  cards  on  or  send 
these  to  all  their  friends  and  acquaintances,  as  an  in- 

247 


JBattnrrg  anil  Mortal 


timation  that  they  are  equal  to  the  paying  and  receiv- 
ing of  calls.  Until  this  intimation  is  given,  society  will 
not  venture  to  intrude  upon  the  mourner's  privacy. 

Of  course  there  is  a  kind  of  complimentary  mourn- 
ing which  does  not  necessitate  seclusion  —  that  which 
is  worn  out  of  respect  to  a  husband's  relative  whom 
one  may  never  have  seen.  But  no  one  wearing  a  heavy 
crape  veil  should  go  to  a  gay  reception,  a  wedding,  or 
a  theatre;  the  thing  is  incongruous.  Still  less  should 
mourning  prevent  one  from  taking  proper  recreation: 
the  more  the  heart  aches,  the  more  should  one  try  to 
gain  cheerfulness  and  composure,  to  hear  music,  to  see 
faces  which  one  loves:  this  is  a  duty,  not  merely  a  wise 
and  sensible  rule.  Yet  it  is  well  to  have  some  estab- 
lished customs  as  to  visiting  and  dress  in  order  that 
the  gay  and  the  heartless  may  in  observing  them  avoid 
that  which  shocks  every  one  —  an  appearance  of  lack 
of  respect  to  the  memory  of  the  dead  —  that  all  society 
may  move  on  in  decency  and  order,  which  is  the  object 
and  end  of  the  study  of  etiquette. 

The  English,  from  whom  we  derive  our  fashion  in 
funeral  matters,  have  a  limitation  provided  by  social 
law  which  is  a  Useful  thing.  They  now  decree  that 
crape  shall  only  be  worn  six  months,  even  for  the 
nearest  relative,  and  that  the  duration  of  mourning 
shall  not  exceed  a  year.  A  wife's  mourning  for  her 
husband  is  the  most  conventionally  deep  mourning 
allowed,  and  every  one  who  has  seen  an  English  widow 
will  agree  that  she  makes  a  "hearse"  of  herself.  Bom- 
bazine and  crape,  a  widow's  cap,  and  a  long,  thick 

248 


Etiquette  nf  IRaurntng 


veil  —  such  is  the  modern  English  idea.  Some  widows 
even  have  the  cap  made  of  black  crepe  lisse,  but  it  is 
generally  of  white.  In  this  country  a  widow's  first 
mourning  -  dresses  are  covered  almost  entirely  with 
crape  —  a  sort  of  penitential  and  self-mortifying  dress. 
There  are  now,  however,  other  and  more  agreeable  fab- 
rics which  also  bear  the  dead  black,  lustreless  look 
which  is  alone  considered  respectful  to  the  dead,  and 
which  are  not  so  costly  as  crape,  or  so  disagreeable  to 
wear.  The  Henrietta  cloth  and  imperial  serges  are  chosen 
for  heavy  winter  dresses,  while  for  those  of  less  weight 
are  e'tamine,  nun's  veiling,  and  dull  silks. 

Widows  wear  deep  mourning,  consisting  of  woollen 
stuffs  and  crape,  for  about  two  years,  and  sometimes 
for  life,  in  America. 

For  the  first  six  months  the  dress  should  be  of  crape 
cloth,  or  Henrietta  cloth  trimmed  with  crape,  collar 
and  cuffs  of  Swiss  muslin  or  other  white  material,  a 
crape  bonnet  with  a  long  crape  veil,  and  a  widow's  cap 
of  white  crape  if  preferred.  In  America,  however, 
widow's  caps  are  not  as  universally  worn  as  in  England. 
Dull  black  kid  gloves  are  worn  in  first  mourning;  after 
that  gants  de  Suede  or  silk  gloves  are  proper,  particu- 
larly in  summer.  After  six  months'  mourning  the 
crape  can  be  removed.  After  twelve  months  the 
widow's  cap  is  left  off,  and  the  heavy  veil  is  exchanged 
for  a  lighter  one;  the  dress  can  be  of  silk  grenadine, 
plain  black  gros-grain,  or  crape-trimmed  cashmere  with 
jet  trimmings,  and  crepe  lisse  about  the  neck  and 
sleeves. 

249 


JHannrrs  and  burial 


All  kinds  of  black  fur  and  seal-skin  are  worn  in  deep 
mourning. 

A  widower  wears  black  for  one  or  two  years,  al- 
though many  American  men  do  not  wear  mourning 
costumes,  unless  it  be  a  band  on  the  hat. 

Mourning  for  a  father  or  mother  should  last  one 
year,  although  some  people  still  adhere  to  the  old  cus- 
tom of  wearing  it  for  twice  that  length  of  time,  light- 
ening it  in  a  twelvemonth.  During  half  a  year  should 
be  worn  Henrietta  cloth  or  serge  trimmed  with  crape. 
A  deep  veil  is  worn  at  the  back  of  the  bonnet,  but  not 
over  the  head  or  face  like  the  widow's  veil,  which 
sometimes  covers  the  entire  person  when  down.  This 
fashion  is  very  much  objected  to  by  doctors. 

Fortunately  the  crape  veil  over  the  face  is  now  out 
of  fashion,  except  for  use  at  funerals,  or  for  persons 
very  recently  bereaved;  a  veil  of  silk  gauze  has  been 
introduced  which  is  considered  deep  enough  for  wid- 
ows (a  veil  which  is  light  and  healthful),  whose  dress 
need  no  longer  be  "  non  -  aesthetic  and  unhygienic." 
It  is  always  costly,  if  crape  is  used,  the  widow's  dress. 
A  small  veil  of  black  tulle  or  gauze  is  often  worn  over 
the  face,  by  persons  in  deep  mourning,  in  addition  to 
the  heavier  one  which  is  thrown  back  over  the  bonnet. 

Mourning  for  a  brother  or  sister  may  be  the  same 
as  for  a  parent.  It  is  now  usually  worn  for  one  year 
only;  for  a  step-father  or  step-mother  the  same;  for 
grandparents  the  same  ;  but  the  duration  may  be  short- 
er. In  England  this  sort  of  respectful  mourning  only 
lasts  three  months. 

250 


nf  mourning 


Mourning  for  children  should  last  nine  months.  The 
first  three  the  dress  should  be  crape-trimmed,  the 
mourning  less  deep  than  that  for  a  husband.  A  mother 
wears  black  for  a  grown-up  son  or  daughter  one  or  two 
years,  lightening  it  at  the  close  of  a  twelvemonth,  if 
not  before.  No  one  is  ever  ready  to  take  off  mourn- 
ing; therefore  these  rules  have  this  advantage  —  they 
enable  the  friends  around  a  grief  -stricken  mother  to 
tell  her  when  is  the  time  to  make  her  dress  more  cheer- 
ful, which  she  is  bound  to  do  for  the  sake  of  the  sur- 
vivors. 

Wives  wear  mourning  for  the  relatives  of  their  hus- 
bands precisely  as  they  would  for  their  own,  as  would 
husbands  for  the  relatives  of  their  wives.  Widowers 
go  into  society  at  a  much  earlier  date  than  widows,  it 
being  a  received  rule  that  all  gentlemen  in  mourning 
for  relatives  go  into  society  very  much  sooner  than 
ladies. 

The  period  of  mourning  for  an  aunt  or  uncle  or 
cousin  is  of  three  months'  duration,  and  that  time  at 
least  should  elapse  before  the  family  go  out  or  into  gay 
company,  or  are  seen  at  theatres  or  operas,  etc. 

Ladies  of  the  family  attend  the  funeral  of  a  relative 
if  they  are  able  to  do  so,  and  wear  their  deepest  mourn- 
ing. Servants  are  usually  put  in  mourning  for  the 
head  of  the  family  —  sometimes  for  any  member  of  it. 
They  should  wear  a  plain  black  livery  and  weeds  on 
their  hats;  the  inside  lining  of  the  family  carriage 
should  also  be  of  black. 

For  lighter  mourning  jet  is  used  on  silk,  and  there  is 
251 


anil  Mortal 


no  doubt  that  it  makes  a  very  handsome  dress.  It  is 
a  singular  fact  that  there  is  a  certain  comfort  to  some 
people  in  wearing  very  handsome  black.  Worth,  on 
being  asked  to  dress  an  American  widow  whom  he 
had  never  seen,  sent  for  her  photograph,  for  he  said 
that  he  wished  to  see  "whether  she  was  the  sort  of 
woman  who  would  relish  a  becoming  black." 

Very  elegant  dresses  are  made  with  jet  embroidery 
on  crape  —  the  beautiful  soft  French  crape  —  but  lace  is 
never  "mourning."  During  a  very  dressy  half  mourn- 
ing, however,  black  lace  may  be  worn  on  white  silk. 
Diamond  ornaments  set  in  black  enamel  are  allowed 
even  in  the  deepest  mourning,  and  also  pearls  set  in 
black. 

It  is  proper  to  wear  a  quiet  black  dress  when  going 
to  a  funeral,  although  this  is  not  absolutely  necessary. 
Relatives  and  connections  by  marriage  who  do  not 
intend  to  wear  mourning,  often  appear  in  black  on 
the  occasion  of  the  obsequies.  Half-mourning  grada- 
tions of  gray,  purple,  or  lilac  have  been  reinstated,  and 
combinations  of  black  and  white  are  used.  Compli- 
mentary mourning  is  black  silk  without  crape.  The 
French  have  three  grades  of  mourning  —  deep,  ordi- 
nary, and  half  mourning.  In  deep  mourning,  woollen 
cloths  only  are  worn;  in  ordinary  mourning,  silk  and 
woollen  ;  in  half  mourning,  gray  and  violet.  An  Ameri- 
can lady  is  always  shocked  at  the  gayety  and  cheerful- 
ness of  French  mourning.  In  France,  etiquette  pre- 
scribes mourning  for  a  husband  for  one  year  and  six 
weeks  —  that  is,  six  months  of  deep  mourning,  six  of 

252 


?Etiqu?tt?  nf  Mounting 


ordinary,  and  six  weeks  of  half  mourning.  For  a  wife, 
a  father,  or  a  mother,  six  months  —  three  deep  and 
three  half  mourning;  for  a  grandparent,  two  months 
and  a  half  of  slight  mourning;  for  a  brother  or  a  sister, 
two  months,  one  of  which  is  in  deep  mourning;  for  an 
uncle  or  an  aunt,  three  weeks  of  ordinary  black.  In 
America,  with  no  fixity  of  rule,  ladies  have  been  known 
to  go  into  deepest  mourning  for  their  own  relatives 
or  those  of  their  husbands,  or  for  people,  perhaps, 
whom  they  have  never  seen,  and  have  remained  as 
gloomy  monuments  of  bereavement  for  seven  or  ten 
years,  constantly  in  black;  then,  on  losing  a  child  or 
a  relative  dearly  loved,  they  have  no  extremity  of  dress 
left  to  express  the  real  grief  which  fills  their  lives  —  no 
deeper  black  to  go  into.  This  complimentary  mourn- 
ing should  be,  as  in  the  French  custom,  limited  to  two 
or  three  weeks.  The  health  of  a  delicate  child  has 
been  known  to  be  seriously  affected  by  the  constant 
spectacle  of  his  mother  in  deep  mourning.  Therefore 
every  mourner  should  try  to  curtail  this  period. 

Cards  and  note-paper  are  now  put  into  mourning 
by  those  who  desire  to  express  conventionally  their 
regret  for  the  dead;  but  very  broad  borders  of  black 
look  like  ostentation,  and  are  in  bad  taste.  No  doubt 
all  these  things  are  proper  enough  in  their  way,  but 
a  narrow  border  of  black  tells  the  story  of  loss  as  well 
as  an  inch  of  coal-black  gloom.  The  fashion  of  carry- 
ing handkerchiefs  which  are  made  with  a  two-inch 
square  of  white  cambric  and  a  four-inch  border  of  black 
may  well  be  deprecated. 

253 


JHanttrrfi  attft  Mortal  -Usages 

$H|HgH|H|HgH|HgK|HgH$^^ 

Before  a.  funeral  the  ladies  of  a  family  see  no  one 
but  the  most  intimate  friends.  The  gentlemen,  of 
course,  must  see  the  clergyman  and  officials  who 
manage  the  ceremony.  Pall-bearers  are  invited  by 
note,  and  assemble  at  the  house  of  the  deceased,  ac- 
companying the  remains,  after  the  ceremonies  at  the 
church,  to  their  final  resting-place.  After  the  funeral 
only  the  members  of  the  family  return  to  the  house, 
and  it  is  not  expected  that  a  bereaved  wife  or  mother 
will  see  any  one  other  than  the  members  of  her  family 
for  several  weeks.  While  we  must  carefully  avoid 
intruding  upon  those  who  are  in  sorrow,  we  must  also 
avoid  the  other  extreme  of  neglecting  them.  People 
who  have  a  large  circle  of  relatives  and  intimate  friends, 
usually  do  not  care  to  see  those  outside  of  it.  But  a 
mourner  may  be  left  alone  and  very  desolate,  longing 
for  a  little  human  sympathy.  Hence,  while  we  do  not 
expect  those  in  recent  affliction  to  see  us,  we  may  in- 
quire whether  they  will  do  so,  if  our  acquaintance 
warrants  this. 

Kind  notes  expressing  sympathy  are  most  welcome 
to  the  afflicted  from  intimate  friends,  and  gifts  of  flow- 
ers, or  any  testimonial  of  sympathy,  are  thoughtful 
and  appropriate.  Cards  are  usually  sent  by  acquaint- 
ances bearing  a  message  as  "With  deepest  sympa- 
thy "  written  above  the  sender's  name. 

In  the  course  of  a  month  after  a  death  all  friends  of 
the  deceased  are  expected  to  leave  cards  on  the  surviv- 
ors, and  it  is  discretionary  whether  these  be  written  on 
or  not.  These  cards  should  be  carefully  preserved, 

254 


0f 


that  they  may  be  properly  acknowledged.  A  card 
may  be  engraved,  "Mr.  Browning  returns  his  thanks 
for  kind  expressions  of  sympathy."  This  can  be  sent 
through  a  secretary  to  all  who  have  left  cards,  or  the 
words  may  be  written  over  his  name  "Thanks  for 
sympathy." 

The  period  of  a  mourner's  retirement  from  the  world 
has  been  very  much  shortened  of  late.  For  one  year 
no  formal  visiting  is  undertaken,  nor  is  there  any 
gayety  in  the  house. 

In  this  country  no  person  in  mourning  for  a  parent  , 
a  child,  a  brother,  or  a  husband  is  expected  to  be 
seen  at  a  concert,  a  dinner,  a  party,  or  at  any  other 
place  of  public  amusement,  before  three  months  have 
passed.  After  that  one  may  be  seen  at  a  concert. 
But  to  go  to  a  dinner  or  a  party,  before  six  months 
have  elapsed,  is  considered  heartless  and  disrespectful. 
Indeed,  a  deep  mourning-dress  at  such  a  place  is  an 
unpleasant  anomaly.  If  one  choose,  as  many  do,  not 
to  wear  mourning,  then  they  can  go  unchallenged  to 
any  place  of  amusement,  for  they  have  asserted  their 
right  to  be  independent;  but  if  they  put  on  mourning 
they  must  respect  its  etiquette.  Twenty  years  or  less 
ago,  many  who  sorrowed  deeply,  and  who  regarded 
the  crape  and  solemn  dress  as  a  mark  of  respect  to  the 
dead,  deemed  it  almost  a  sin  for  a  woman  to  go  into 
the  street,  to  drive,  or  to  walk,  for  two  years,  without 
a  deep  crape  veil  over  her  face.  It  was  a  common 
remark  of  the  censorious  that  a  person  who  lightened  her 
mourning  before  that  time  "did  not  care  much  for  the 


fflattngra  anil  Mortal 


deceased."  There  has  been  a  great  change,  however, 
•of  late  years.  The  number  of  people  who  do  not  wear 
mourning  dress  has  increased,  and  those  who  do  no 
longer  feel  obliged  to  seclude  themselves  so  strictly, 
unless  this  is  in  accordance  with  their  own  feelings. 

Common  sense  and  common  decency,  however, 
should  restrain  the  frivolous  from  engaging  much  in 
the  amusements  and  gayeties  of  life  before  six  months 
have  passed  after  the  death  of  any  near  relative.  If 
they  pretend  to  wear  black  at  all,  they  should  respect 
the  restraint  which  it  imposes. 


CHAPTER  XXXIII 

LETTERS    OP   CONDOLENCE 

ROB  ABLY  no  branch  of  the  epistolary  art 
has  ever  given  to  friendly  hearts  so  much 
perplexity  as  that  which  has  to  do  with  writ- 
ing to  friends  in  affliction.  It  is  delightful 
to  sit  down  and  wish  anybody  joy;  to  over- 
flow with  congratulatory  phrases  over  a  fa- 
vorable bit  of  news ;  to  say  how  glad  you  are  that  your 
friend  is  engaged  or  married,  or  has  inherited  a  fort- 
une, has  written  a  successful  book,  or  has  painted  a 
good  picture.  Joy  opens  the  closet  of  language,  and 
the  gems  of  expression  are  easily  found;  but  the  foun- 
tain of  feeling  being  chilled  by  the  uncongenial  atmos- 
phere of  grief,  by  the  sudden  horror  of  death,  or  the 
more  terrible  breath  of  dishonor  or  shame,  or  even  by 
the  cold  blast  of  undeserved  misfortune,  leaves  the  in- 
dividual sympathizer  in  a  mood  of  perplexity  and  of 
sadness  which  is  of  itself  a  most  discouraging  frame 
of  mind  for  the  inditing  of  a  letter. 

And  yet  we  sympathize  with  our  friend:  we  desire 
to  tell  him  so.  We  want  to  say:  "My  friend,  your 
grief  is  my  grief;  nothing  can  hurt  you  that  does  not 
hurt  me.  I  cannot,  of  course,  enter  into  all  your  feel* 

257 


^HtHJHSH§HJHgHSH|H$^^ 

ings,  but  to  stand  by  and  see  you  hurt,  and  remain 
unmoved  myself ;  is  impossible."  All  this  we  wish  to 
say ;  but  how  shall  we  say  it  so  that  our  words  may  not 
hurt  him  a  great  deal  more  than  he  is  hurt  already? 
How  shall  we  lay  our  hand  so  tenderly  on  that  sore 
spot  that  we  may  not  inflict  a  fresh  wound?  How 
can  we  say  to  a  mother,  who  bends  over  a  fresh  grave, 
that  we  regret  the  loss  she  has  sustained  in  the  death 
of  her  child?  Can  language  measure  the  depth,  the 
height,  the  immensity,  the  bitterness  of  that  grief? 
What  shall  we  say  that  is  not  trite  and  commonplace 
— even  unfeeling?  Shall  we  be  pagan,  and  say  that 
"whom  the  gods  love  die  young,"  or  Christian,  and 
remark  that  "God  does  not  willingly  afflict  the  chil- 
dren of  men?"  She  has  thought  of  that,  she  has 
heard  it,  alas!  often  before  —  but  too  often,  as  she 
thinks  now. 

Shall  we  tell  her  what  she  has  lost — how  good,  how 
loving,  how  brave,  how  admirable  was  the  spirit 
which  has  just  left  the  flesh?  Alas!  how  well  she 
knows  that !  How  her  tears  well  up  as  she  remembers 
the  silent  fortitude,  the  heroic  patience  under  the 
pain  that  was  to  kill!  Shall  we  quote  ancient  phi- 
losophers and  modern  poets?  They  have  all  dwelt 
at  greater  or  less  length  upon  death  and  the  grave. 
Or  shall  we  say,  in  simple  and  unpremeditated  words, 
the  thoughts  which  fill  our  own  minds? 

The  person  who  has  to  write  this  letter  may  be  a 
ready  writer,  who  finds  fit  expression  at  the  point 
of  his  pen,  and  who  overflows  with  the  language  of 

258 


Srltrrs  of 


consolation  —  such  a  one  needs  no  advice;  but  to 
the  hundreds  who  do  need  help  we  would  say  that 
the  simplest  expressions  are  the  best.  A  distant 
friend,  upon  one  of  these  occasions,  wrote  a  letter 
as  brief  as  brief  might  be,  but  of  its  kind  altogether 
perfect.  It  ran  thus:  "I  have  heard  of  your  great 
grief,  and  I  send  you  a  simple  pressure  of  the  hand." 
Coming  from  a  gay  and  volatile  person,  it  had  for 
the  mourner  great  consolation;  pious  quotations, 
and  even  the  commonplaces  of  condolence,  would 
have  seemed  forced.  Undoubtedly,  those  persons, 
do  us  great  good,  or  they  wish  to,  who  tell  us  to  be 
resigned  —  that  we  have  deserved  this  affliction; 
that  we  suffer  now,  but  that  our  present  sufferings 
are  nothing  to  what  our  future  sufferings  shall  be; 
that  we  are  only  entering  the  portals  of  agony,  and 
that  every  day  will  reveal  to  us  the  magnitude  of 
our  loss.  Such  is  the  formula  which  certain  persons- 
use,  under  the  title  of  "letters  of  condolence."  It 
is  the  wine  mixed  with  gall  which  they  gave  our 
Lord  to  drink;  and  as  He  refused  it,  so  may  we.  There 
are,  no  doubt,  persons  of  a  gloomy  and  a  religious 
temperament  combined  who  delight  in  such  phrases; 
who  quote  the  least  consolatory  of  the  texts  of  Script- 
ure; who  roll  our  grief  as  a  sweet  morsel  under  their 
tongues ;  who  really  envy  the  position  of  chief  mourner 
as  one  of  great  dignity  and  considerable  consequence; 
who  consider  crape  and  bombazine  as  a  sort  of  royal 
mantle  conferring  distinction.  There  are  many  such 
people  in  the  world.  Dickens  and  Anthony  Trollope- 

259 


fltatmgrg  anft  Mortal 


have  put  them  into  novels  —  solemn  and  ridiculous 
Malvolios;  they  exist  in  nature,  in  literature,  and  in 
-art.  It  adds  a  new  terror  to  death  when  we  reflect 
that  such  persons  will  not  fail  to  make  it  the  occasion 
•of  letter-writing. 

iBut  those  who  write  to  us  strongly  and  cheerfully, 
who  do  not  dwell  so  much  on  our  grief  as  on  our 
^  remaining  duties  —  they  are  the  people  who  help  us. 
To  advise  a  mourner  to  go  out  into  the  sun,  to  resume 
his  work,  to  help  the  poor,  and,  above  all,  to  carry  on 
the  efforts,  to  emulate  the  virtues  of  the  deceased  — 
this  is  comfort.  It  is  a  very  dear  and  consoling  thing 
to  a  bereaved  friend  to  hear  the  excellence  of  the  de- 
parted extolled,  to  read  and  reread  all  of  the  precious 
testimony  which  is  borne  by  outsiders  to  the  saintly 
iife  ended  —  and  there  are  few  so  hard-hearted  as  not  to 
find  something  good  to  say  of  the  dead;?  it  is  the  im- 
pulse of  human  nature;  it  underlies  all  our  philosophy 
and  our  religion;  it  is  the  "stretching  out  of  a  hand," 
and  it  comforts  the  afflicted.  But  what  shall  we  say 
to  those  on  whom  disgrace  has  laid  its  heavy,  defiling 
hand?  Is  it  well  to  write  to  them  at  all?  Shall 
we  not  be  mistaken  for  those  who  prowl  like  jackals 
round  a  grave,  and  will  not  our  motives  be  misun- 
derstood? Is  not  sympathy  sometimes  malice  in  dis- 
guise? Does  not  the  phrase  "I  am  so  sorry  for  you!" 
sometimes  sound  like  "I  am  so  glad  for  myself?" 
Undoubtedly  it  does;  but  a  sincere  friend  should  not 
be  restrained,  through  fear  that  his  motive  may  be 
mistaken,  from  saying  that  he  wishes  to  bear  some 

260 


Crttrra  of 


^ 


part  of  the  burden.  Let  him  show  that  the  unhappy 
man  is  in  his  thoughts,  that  he  would  like  to  help,. 
that  he  would  be  glad  to  see  him,  or  take  him  out* 
or  send  him  a  book,  or  at  least  write  him  a  letter- 
Such  a  wish  as  this  will  hurt  no  one. 

Philosophy  —  some  quaint  and  dry  bit  of  old  Senecar 
or  modern  Rochefoucauld  —  has  often  helped  a  strug- 
gling heart  when  disgrace,  deserved  or  undeserved,  has 
placed  the  soul  in  gyves  of  iron. 

Sympathetic  persons,  of  narrow  minds  and  imper- 
fect education,  often  have  the  gift  of  being  able  to  say 
most  consolatory  things.  Irish  servants,  for  instance,. 
rarely  hurt  the  feelings  of  a  mourner.  They  burst  out 
in  the  language  of  Nature,  and,  if  it  is  sometimes  gro- 
tesque, it  is  almost  always  comforting.  It  is  the  edu- 
cated and  conscientious  person  who  finds  the  writing1- 
of  a  letter  of  condolence  difficult. 

Perhaps  much  of  our  dread  of  death  is  the  result  of 
a  false  education,  and  the  wearing  of  black  may  after 
all  be  a  mistake.  At  the  moment  when  we  need  bright 
colors,  fresh  flowers,  sunshine,  and  beauty,  we  hide 
ourselves  behind  crape  veils  and  make  our  garments 
heavy  with  ashes;  but  as  it  is  conventional  it  is  in- 
one  way  a  protection,  and  is  therefore  proper.  No- 
one  feels  like  varying  the  expressions  of  a  grief  which 
has  the  Anglo-Saxon  seriousness  in  it,  the  Scandinavian 
melancholy  of  a  people  from  whom  Nature  hides  her- 
self behind  a  curtain  of  night.  To  the  sunny  and 
graceful  Greek  the  road  of  the  dead  was  the  Via  Felice  ; 
it  was  the  happy  way,  the  gate  of  flowers;  the  tombs 

261 


anfr  Mortal 


were  furnished  as  the  houses  were,  with  images  of  the 
beloved,  and  the  veriest  trifles  which  the  deceased 
had  loved.  One  wonders,  as  the  tomb  of  a  child  is 
opened  on  the  road  out  of  Tanagra,  near  Athens,  and 
the  toys  and  hobby-horse  and  little  shoes  are  found 
therein,  if,  after  all,  that  father  and  mother  were  not 
wiser  than  we  who,  like  Constance,  "stuff  out  his 
vacant  garments  with  his  form."  Is  there  not  some- 
thing quite  unenlightened  in  the  persistence  with  which 
we  connect  death  with  gloom? 

Our  friends  often  ask  us  how  soon  a  letter  of 
condolence  should  be  written?  As  soon  as  possible. 
Do  not  be  afraid  to  intrude  on  any  grief.  It  is  gen- 
erally a  welcome  distraction,  to  even  the  most  mor- 
bid mourner,  to  read  a  letter;  and  those  who  are  so 
stunned  by  grief  as  not  to  be  able  to  write  or  to  read 
will  always  have  some  willing  soul  near  them  who 
will  read  and  answer  for  them. 

The  afflicted,  however,  should  never  be  expected 
to  answer  letters.  They  can  and  should  receive  the 
kindest  and  the  most  prompt  that  their  friends  can 
indite.  Often  a  phrase  on  which  the  writer  has  built 
no  hope  may  be  the  airy  bridge  over  which  the  sorrow- 
ing soul  returns  slowly  and  blindly  to  peace  and  resig- 
nation. Who  would  miss  the  chance,  be  it  one  in  ten 
thousand,  of  building  such  a  bridge?  Those  who  have 
suffered  and  been  strong,  those  whom  we  love  and  re- 
spect, those  who  have  the  honest  faith  in  human  nature 
which  enables  them  to  read  aright  the  riddle  of  this 
.strange  world,  those  who  by  faith  walk  over  burning 

262 


of 


ploughshares  and  dread  no  evil,  those  are  the  people 
who  write  the  best  letters  of  condolence.  They  do  not 
dwell  on  our  grief,  or  exaggerate  it,  although  they  are 
evidently  writing  to  us  with  a  lump  in  the  throat  and 
a  tear  in  the  eye — they  do  not  say  so,  but  we  feel  it. 
They  tell  us  of  the  certain  influence  of  time,  which 
will  change  our  present  grief  into  our  future  joy. 
They  say  a  few  beautiful  words  of  the  friend  whom 
we  have  lost,  recount  their  own  loss  in  him  in  a  few 
fitting  words  of  earnest  sympathy  which  may  carry 
consolation,  if  only  by  the  wish  of  the  writer.  They 
beg  of  us  to  be  patient.  God  has  brought  life  and  im- 
mortality to  light  through  death,  and  to  those  whom 
"he  has  thought  worthy  to  endure,"  this  thought  may 
ever  form  the  basis  of  a  letter  of  condolence. 

"Give  me,"  said  the  dying  Herder,  "a  great  thought, 
that  I  may  console  myself  with  that."  It  is  a  present 
of  no  mean  value,  a  great  thought;  and  if  every  letter 
of  condolence  could  bear  with  it  one  broad  phrase  of 
honest  sympathy  it  would  be  a  blessed  instrumentality 
for  carrying  patience  and  resignation,  peace  and  com- 
fort, into  those  dark  places  where  the  sufferer  is  eating 
his  heart  out  with  grief,  or  where  Rachel  "weeps  for 
her  children,  and  will  not  be  comforted,  because  they 
are  not." 

We  are  often  asked  whether  letters  of  condolence 
should  be  written  on  black-edged  paper.  Decidedly 
not,  unless  the  writer  is  in  mourning.  The  telegraph 
now  flashes  messages  of  respect  and  sympathy  across 
sea  and  land  like  a  voice  from  the  heart.  Perhaps  it  is 

263 


anft  Mortal 


better  than  any  other  word  of  sympathy,  although  all 
who  can  should  write  to  a  bereaved  person. 

In  France  a  long  and  deeply  edged  mourning  letter 
or  address,  called  a  faire  part,  is  sent  to  every  one 
known  to  the  family  to  advise  them  of  a  death.  In 
this  country  that  is  not  done,  although  some  mention 
of  the  deceased  is  generally  sent  to  friends  in  Europe 
who  would  not  otherwise  hear  of  the  death. 


CHAPTER  XXXIV 

LETTER-WRITING 

| HE  person  who  can  write  a  graceful  note  is 
always  spoken  of  with  phrases  of  commen- 
dation. The  epistolary  art  is  said  to  be  es- 
pecially feminine,  and  the  novelists  and  es- 
sayists are  full  of  compliments  to  the  sex, 
which  is  alternately  praised  and  objurgated, 
as  man  feels  well  or  ill.  Bulwer  says:  "A  woman  is 
the  genius  of  epistolary  communication.  Even  men 
write  better  to  a  woman  than  to  one  of  their  own  sex. 
No  doubt  they  conjure  up,  while  writing,  the  loving, 
listening  face,  the  tender,  pardoning  heart,  the  ready 
tear  of  sympathy,  and  passionate  confidences  of  heart 
and  brain  flow  rapidly  from  the  pen."  But  there  is 
no  such  thing  now  as  an  " epistolary  style."  Our  im- 
mediate ancestors  wrote  better  and  longer  letters  than 
we  do.  They  covered  three  pages  of  large  letter- 
paper  with  crow-quill  handwriting,  folded  the  paper 
neatly,  tucked  up  one  edge  beneath  the  other  (for  there 
were  no  envelopes),  and  then  sealed  it  with  a  wafer 
or  with  sealing-wax.  To  send  one  of  these  epistles 
was  expensive — twenty-five  cents  from  New  York  to 
Boston.  However,  the  electric  telegraph  and  cheap 

265 


HannrrB  an  ft  Mortal 


postage  and  postal-cards  may  be  said,  in  a  way,  to  have 
ruined  correspondence  in  the  old  sense  ;  lovers  and  fond 
mothers  doubtless  still  write  long  letters,  but  the  busi- 
ness of  the  letter-  writer  proper  is  at  an  end.  The  writ- 
ing of  notes  has,  however,  correspondingly  increased. 

The  frequency  with  which  notes  upon  business  and 
pleasure  must  fly  across  a  city  and  a  continent  has 
done  away,  also,  with  the  sealing-wax,  whose  definite, 
red,  clear  oval  was  a  fixture  with  our  grandfathers,  and 
which  is  still  the  only  elegant,  formal,  and  ceremoni- 
ous way  acknowledged  in  England  of  sealing  a  letter. 

There  were,  however,  serious  objections  to  the  use 
of  wax  in  this  country,  which  were  discovered  during 
the  early  voyages  to  California.  The  intense  heat  of 
the  Isthmus  of  Panama  melted  the  wax,  and  letters 
were  irretrievably  glued  together,  to  the  loss  of  the 
address  and  the  confusion  of  the  postmaster.  So  the 
glued  envelope  —  common,  cheap,  and  necessary  —  be- 
came the  prevailing  fashion  for  all  notes  as  well  as 
letters.  The  use  of  wax  is  prohibited  in  correspond- 
ence with  Cuba  and  the  Philippines.  The  custom  of 
closing  all  ceremonious  notes  with  sealing-wax  is  still 
adhered  to  by  the  most  fastidious,  and  every  young 
person  should  learn  how  to  seal  a  note  properly.  To 
get  a  good  impression  from  an  engraved  stone  seal, 
anoint  it  lightly  with  linseed  -oil,  to  keep  the  wax 
from  adhering,  then  dust  it  with  rouge  powder  to  take 
off  the  gloss,  and  press  it  quickly,  but  firmly,  on  the 
melted  wax. 

The  taste  for  colored  note-paper  with  flowers  in  the 
266 


Eetter-mritittg 


corner  was  common  among  the  belles  of  fifty  years 
ago  —  the  "rose-colored  and  scented  billet-doux"  is 
often  referred  to  in  the  novels  of  that  period.  But 
colored  note-paper  fell  into  disuse  long  ago,  and  for 
the  last  few  years  we  have  not  seen  the  heavy  tints. 
A  few  pale-greens,  grays,  blues,  and  lilacs  have,  indeed, 
found  a  place  in  fashionable  stationery,  but  at  the 
present  moment  white  and  pale -gray  are  considered 
the  most  stylish  colors. 

•  Ladies  have  simply  the  address  of  their  city  resi- 
dence or  the  name  of  their  country  place  printed  at 
the  top  of  the  paper,  in  blue  or  black,  or  simply  in 
embossed  lettering  without  color.  For  notes  and  in- 
formal correspondence,  persons  living  in  the  country 
use,  in  addition  to  the  address,  the  name  and  number 
of  their  telephone  engraved  diagonally  across  one 
corner  of  the  paper,  the  address  to  which  telegrams 
should  be  sent  occupying  the  opposite  corner. 

There  is  one  fashion  which  has  never  changed,  and 
will  never  change,  which  is  always  in  good  taste,  and 
which,  perhaps,  would  be  to-day  the  most  perfect  of 
all  styles,  and  that  is  good,  plain,  thick,  white  note- 
paper,  folded  square,  put  in  a  square  envelope,  and 
sealed  with  sealing-wax  which  bears  the  imprint  of 
the  writer's  coat  of  arms.  No  one  can  make  any 
mistake  who  uses  such  stationery  as  this  in  any  part 
of  the  world.  On  such  paper  andun  such  form  are 
ambassadors'  notes  written;  on  such  paper  and  in 
such  style  would  the  Princess  Louise  write  her  notes. 

However,  there  is  no  law  against  the  monogram. 
267 


anfi  Mortal 


<S"j"8H|HgHSH§H2HgHgHi^^ 

Some  ladies  still  prefer  it,  and  always  use  the  paper 
which  has  become  familiar  to  their  friends.  Mono- 
grams are  seldom  used  on  envelopes. 

The  plan  of  having  all  the  note-paper  marked  with 
the  address  is  an  admirable  one,  for  it  effectually  re- 
minds the  person  who  receives  the  note  where  the 
answer  should  be  sent  —  information  of  which  some 
ladies  forget  the  importance,  and  which  should  al- 
ways be  written,  if  not  printed,  at  the  head  of  a  let- 
ter. It  also  gives  a  stylish  finish  to  the  appearance  of 
the  note-paper,  is  simple,  unpretending,  and  useful. 
Some  fashionable  women  also  have  their  address  en- 
graved on  the  flap  of  the  envelope  for  its  return  if  not 
delivered. 

The  ink  should  invariably  be  black.  The  plain 
black  ink,  which  gives  the  written  characters  great 
distinctness,  is  the  only  fashionable  medium. 

Every  lady  should  study  to  acquire  an  elegant,  free, 
and  educated  hand;  there  is  nothing  so  useful,  so  sure 
to  commend  the  writer  everywhere,  as  such  a  chirog- 
raphy;  while  a  cramped,  poor,  slovenly,  uneducated, 
unformed  handwriting  is  sure  to  produce  the  impres- 
sion upon  the  reader  that  those  qualities  are  more  or 
less  indicative  of  the  writer's  character. 

We  cannot  enter  into  that  great  question  as  to 
whether  or  not  handwriting  is  indicative  of  character; 
but  we  hold  that  a  person's  notes  are  generally  char- 
acteristic, and  that  a  neat,  flowing,  graceful  hand,  and 
a  clean  sheet,  free  from  blots,  are  always  agreeable  to 
the  eye.  The  writer  of  notes,  also,  must  carefully  dis- 

268 


criminate  between  the  familiar  note  and  the  note  of 
ceremony,  and  should  learn  how  to  write  both. 

Custom  demands  that  we  begin  all  notes  in  the  first 
person,  with  the  formula  of  "My  dear  Mrs.  Smith," 
and  that  we  close  with  the  expression,  "Yours  cor- 
dially," "Yours  with  much  regard,"  "Yours  most  sin- 
cerely," or  "Yours  very  sincerely,"  etc.  To  end  a 
letter  "Sincerely"  or  "Faithfully,"  without  the  addi- 
tional word  "Yours,"  is  discourteous,  even  vulgar. 

For  a  business  letter,  "Sincerely  yours"  or  "Very 
truly  yours  "  is  used.  It  is  very  vulgar  to  sign  a  note 
"Mrs.  G.  F.  Brown."  Sign  your  own  name,  "Gertrude 
F.  Brown,"  and  add  in  parenthesis  (Mrs.  John  Brown) 
when  writing  a  business  letter  to  a  stranger. 

The  laws  of  etiquette  do  not  permit  us  to  use  nu- 
merals, as  3,4,  5,  but  demand  we  write  out  three,  jour, 
five.  No  abbreviations  are  allowed  in  a  note  to  a 
friend,  "Sd  be  glad  to  see  you";  one  must  write  out, 
"I  should  be  glad  to  see  you."  The  date  should  follow 
the  signing  of  the  name  in  a  note.  In  a  letter  it  is 
put  with  the  address  at  the  top  of  the  paper. 

A  great  and  very  common  mistake  existing  among 
careless  letter-writers  is  the  confusion  of  the  first  and 
third  persons;  as  a  child  would  write,  "Miss  Lucy 
Clark  will  be  happy  to  come  to  dinner,  but  I  am  go- 
ing somewhere  else."  This  is,  of  course,  ignorant  and 
improper. 

A  note  in  answer  to  an  invitation  should  be  written 
in  the  third  person,  if  the  invitation  be  in  the  third 
person.  No  abbreviations,  no  visible  hurry,  but  an 

269 


fflamtrrB  anft  Mortal 


<gHM"S"JHgH|HiHgH|H^^ 

elaborate  and  finished  ceremony  should  mark  such 
epistles.  For  instance,  an  acceptance  of  a  dinner  in- 
vitation must  be  written  in  this  form: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Cadogan 
have  great   pleasure  in  accepting 

the  kind  invitation  of 

Mr.    and    Mrs.    Sutherland 

for  dinner  at  seven  o'clock 

on  the  evening  of  July  the  sixth 

One  lady  in  New  York  was  known  to  answer  a  din- 
ner invitation  simply  with  the  words,  "Come  with 
pleasure."  It  is  unnecessary  to  add  that  she  was 
never  invited  again. 

It  is  impossible  to  give  persons  minute  directions  as 
to  the  style  of  a  note,  for  that  must  be  the  outgrowth 
of  years  of  careful  education,  training,  and  good  men- 
tal powers.  "To  write  a  pretty  note"  is  also  some- 
what of  a  gift.  Some  young  men  and  young  girls  find 
it  very  easy,  others  can  scarcely  acquire  the  gift.  It 
is,  however,  absolutely  necessary  to  strive  for  it. 

In  the  first  place,  arrange  your  ideas,  know  what 
you  want  to  say,  and  approach  the  business  of  writing 
a  note  with  a  certain  thoughtfulness.  If  it  is  neces- 
sary to  write  it  hastily,  summon  all  your  powers  of 
mind,  and  try  to  make  it  brief,  intelligible,  and  com- 
prehensive. 

Above  all  things,  spell  correctly.  A  word  badly 
spelled  stands  out  like  a  blot  on  a  familiar  or  a  cere- 
monious note. 

270 


Do  not  send  a  blurred,  blotted,  slovenly  note  to 
any  one;  it  will  remain  to  call  up  a  certain  prejudice 
against  you  in  the  mind  of  the  recipient.  The  fashion 
is  not  now,  as  it  once  was,  imperative  that  a  margin 
be  left  around  the  edge  of  the  paper.  People  now 
write  all  over  the  paper,  and  thus  abolish  a  certain 
elegance  which  the  old  letters  undoubtedly  possessed. 
But  postage  is  a  consideration,  and  all  we  can  ask  of 
the  youthful  letter-writers  is  that  they  will  not  cross 
their  letters.  Plaid  letters  are  the  horror  of  all  peo- 
ple who  have  not  the  eyes  of  a  hawk. 

No  letter  or  note  should  be  written  on  ruled  paper. 
To  do  so  is  both  inelegant  and  unfashionable,  and 
savors  of  the  school-room.  Every  young  person  should 
learn  to  write  without  lines. 

Dates  and  numerical  designations,  such  as  the  num- 
ber of  a  house,  may  be  written  in  Arabic  figures,  but 
quantities  should  be  expressed  in  words.  According 
to  present  fashion,  dates  are  written  out,  but  to  write 
out  that  of  the  year — as  nineteen  hundred  and  seven — 
savors  of  affectation.  The  name  of  the  street  should 
always  be  written  out  in  full;  the  number  should  be 
given  in  figures,  as  "47  West  Eighteenth  Street."  Few 
abbreviations  are  respectful.  A  married  lady  should 
always  be  addressed  by  her  husband's  Christian  name 
and  surname,  as  "Mrs.  John  J.  Astor,"  etc. 

In  this  country,  where  we  have  no  titles,  it  is  the 
custom  to  abbreviate  everything  except  the  title  of 
"Reverend,"  which  we  always  give  to  the  clergy. 
But  it  would  be  better  if  we  made  a  practice  of  giving 

18  271 


Manners  anil  hartal 


to  each  person  his  special  title,  and  to  all  returned 
ambassadors,  members  of  Congress,  and  members  of 
the  legislature  the  title  of  "Honorable."  The  Ro- 
man Catholic  clergy  and  the  bishops  of  the  Episcopal 
and  Methodist  churches  should  be  addressed  by  their 
proper  titles,  as  Right  Reverend  Silas  Lin  worth,  D.D., 
and  a  note  should  be,  like  a  salutation,  infused  with 
respect.  It  honors  the  writer  and  the  person  to  whom 
it  is  written,  while  a  careless  letter  may  injure  both. 

The  use  of  the  type-writer  has  become  so  universal 
in  commercial  circles  that  business  letters  are  almost 
invariably  written  upon  it.  It  would  be  considered 
as  very  discourteous  to  employ  it  either  for  giving 
or  answering  an  invitation.  Indeed,  it  is  not  thought 
a  proper  medium  of  communication  for  social  corre- 
spondence. 


CHAPTER  XXXV 


QUESTIONS     ANSWERED 

HEN  should  a  gentleman  wear  his  hat  and 
when  take  it  off?  A  gentleman  wears  his 
hat  in  the  street,  or  on  a  steamboat  deck, 
raising  it  to  a  lady  acquaintance;  also  in  the 
lobby  of  a  hotel  or  theatre.  He  never  wears 
it  inside  the  auditorium  of  a  theatre  or 
opera-house,  and  seldom  in  the  parlors  of  a  hotel. 
The  etiquette  of  raising  the  hat  on  the  staircases  and 
in  the  halls  of  a  hotel  as  gentlemen  pass  ladies  is  much 
commended  abroad,  but  is  unusual  in  America.  In  Eu- 
rope each  man  raises  his  hat  as  he  passes  a  bier,  or  if  a 
hearse  carrying  a  dead  body  passes  him.  In  this  coun- 
try men  simply  raise  their  hats  as  a  funeral  cortege 
passes  into  a  church,  or  at  the  grave.  If  a  gentleman, 
particularly  an  elderly  one,  takes  off  his  hat  and  stands 
uncovered  in  a  draughty  place,  as  the  foyer  of  an  opera- 
house,  while  talking  to  ladies,  it  is  proper  for  one  of 
them  to  say,  "Pray  resume  your  hat" — a  delicate  at- 
tention deeply  prized  by  a  respectful  man,  who,  per- 
haps, would  not  otherwise  cover  his  head. 

Young  American  women  ask  many  questions  on  the 
subject  of  propriety,  showing  how  anxious  they  are  to 

273 


anil  Mortal  flaaggg 


<"S"J*i^l"l"l"|Hi^^ 

do  right,  but  also  proving  how  far  they  are  from  appre- 
hending what  in  Old-World  customs  has  been  always 
considered  propriety.  In  our  new  country  the  rela- 
tions of  men  and  women  are  necessarily  simple.  The 
whole  business  of  etiquette  is,  of  course,  reduced  to 
each  one's  sense  of  propriety,  and  the  standard  must 
be  changed  as  the  circumstances  demand.  As,  for  in- 
stance, a  lady  asks  if  she  should  thank  a  gentleman  for 
paying  for  her  on  an  excursion.  Now  this  involves 
a  long  answer.  In  Europe  no  young  lady  could  ac- 
cept an  invitation  to  go  as  the  guest  of  a  young  gentle- 
man on  "an  excursion,"  and  allow  him  to  pay  for  her, 
without  losing  much  reputation.  She  would  not  in 
either  England  or  France  be  received  in  society  again. 
She  should  be  invited  by  the  gentleman  through  her 
father  or  mother,  and  one  or  both  should  accompany 
her.  Even  then  it  is  not  customary  for  gentlemen  to 
invite  ladies  to  go  on  an  excursion.  He  could  invite 
the  lady's  mother  to  chaperon  a  theatre-party  which 
he  had  paid  for. 

Another  young  lady  asks  if  she  could  with  pro- 
priety buy  the  tickets  and  take  a  young  gentleman  to 
the  theatre.  Of  course  she  could,  if  her  mother  or 
another  older  woman  friend  would  go  with  her;  but 
even  then  the  mother  or  friend  should  write  the  note 
of  invitation. 

But  in  our  free  country  it  is  considered  allowable, 
particularly  in  the  West,  for  a  young  lady  and  gentle- 
man to  go  off  on  "an  excursion"  together,  the  gen- 
tleman paying  all  the  expenses.  If  that  is  allowed, 

274 


then,  of  course — to  answer  our  question — she  should 
thank  him. 

Another  question  which  is  perpetually  asked  is 
this:  How  to  allow  a  gentleman  a  proper  degree  of 
friendly  intimacy  without  allowing  him  to  think  him- 
self too  much  of  a  favorite.  Here  we  cannot  bring 
in  either  etiquette  or  custom  to  decide.  One  very 
general  law  would  be  not  to  accept  too  many  atten- 
tions, to  show  a  certain  reserve  in  dancing  with  him 
or  driving  with  him.  It  is  always  proper  for  a  gen- 
tleman to  take  a  young  lady  out  to  drive  in  his  dog- 
cart with  his  servant  behind,  if  her  parents  approve; 
but  if  it  is  done  very  often,  of  course  it  looks  con- 
spicuous, and  the  lady  runs  the  risk  of  being  consid- 
ered engaged.  And  she  knows,  of  course,  whether 
her  looks  and  words  give  him  reason  to  think  that  he 
is  a  favorite.  She  must  decide  all  that  herself. 

Another  asks  if  she  should  take  a  gentleman's  hat 
and  coat  when  he  calls.  Never.  Let  him  take  care 
of  those.  Christianity  and  chivalry,  modern  and  an- 
cient custom,  make  a  man  the  servant  of  women. 
The  old  form  of  salutation  used  by  Sir  Walter  Raleigh 
and  other  courtiers  was  always,  "Your  servant,  mad- 
am," and  it  is  the  prettiest  and  most  admirable  way 
for  a  man  to  address  a  woman  in  any  language. 

Another  asks  if  she  should  introduce  a  gentleman 
who  calls  on  her  to  her  mother.  This,  we  should  say, 
would  answer  itself.  Of  course  she  should. 

But  even  if  in  some  less  critical  circles  the  restric* 
tions  of  etiquette  are  relaxed,  let  a  young  lady  always 

275 


fHanturs  ani  hartal  3lagg?s 

«fH$H$HSH$HgH|HSHiH|H3^^ 

remember  these  general  principles,  that  men  will  like 
and  respect  her  far  better  if  she  is  extremely  particu- 
lar about  allowing  them  to  pay  for  her,  if  she  refuses 
two  invitations  out  of  three,  if  she  is  dignified  and 
reserved  rather  than  if  she  is  the  reverse. 

At  Newport  it  is  now  the  fashion  for  young  ladies 
to  drive  young  men  out  with  a  groom  behind,  or  even 
without  a  groom;  but  a  gentleman  never  takes  out  a 
lady  in  his  own  carriage  without  a  servant. 

Gentlemen  and  ladies  walk  together  in  the  daytime 
unattended,  but  if  they  ride  on  horseback  a  groom 
is  always  in  attendance  on  the  lady.  In  rural  neigh- 
borhoods where  there  are  no  grooms,  and  where  a 
young  lady  and  gentleman  go  off  for  a  drive  unat- 
tended, they  have  thrown  Old-World  etiquette  out  of 
the  window,  and  must  make  a  new  etiquette  of  their 
own.  Propriety,  mutual  respect,  and  American  chiv- 
alry have  done  for  women  what  all  the  surveillance 
of  Spanish  duennas  and  of  French  etiquette  has  done 
for  the  young  girl  of  Europe.  If  a  woman  is  a  worker, 
an  artist,  a  student,  or  an  author,  she  can  walk  the 
Quartier  Latin  of  Paris  unharmed. 

But  she  has  in  work  an  armor  of  proof.  This  is  not 
etiquette  when  she  comes  into  the  world  of  fashion. 
She  must  observe  etiquette,  as  she  would  do  the  laws 
of  Prussia  or  of  England,  if  she  stands  on  foreign 
shores. 

Perhaps  we  can  illustrate  this.  Given  a  pretty 
young  girl  who  shall  arrive  on  the  steamer  Majestic 
after  being  several  years  at  school  in  Paris,  another 

276 


who  comes  in  by  rail  from  Kansas,  another  from  some 
quiet,  remote  part  of  Georgia,  and  leave  them  all  at 
a  New  York  hotel  for  a  winter.  Let  us  imagine  them 
all  introduced  at  a  New  York  ball  to  three  gentlemen, 
who  shall  call  on  them  the  next  day.  If  the  girl  edu- 
cated in  Paris,  sitting  by  her  mamma,  hears  the  others 
talk  to  the  young  men  she  will  be  shocked.  The  girls 
who  have  been  brought  up  far  from  the  centres  of 
etiquette  seem  to  her  to  have  no  modesty,  no  pro- 
priety. They  accept  invitations  from  the  young  men 
to  go  to  the  theatre  alone,  to  take  drives,  and  perhaps, 
as  we  have  said,  to  "go  on  an  excursion." 

To  the  French  girl  this  seems  to  be  a  violation  of 
propriety;  but  later  on  she  accepts  an  invitation  to 
go  out  on  a  coach,  with  perhaps  ten  or  twelve  others, 
and  with  a  very  young  chaperon.  The  party  does  not 
return  until  twelve  at  night,  and  as  they  walk  through 
the  corridors  to  a  late  supper  the  young  Western  girl 
meets  them,  and  sees  that  the  young  men  are  already 
the  worse  for  wine;  she  is  apt  to  say,  "What  a  rowdy 
crowd!"  and  to  think  that,  after  all,  etiquette  permits 
its  own  sins,  in  which  she  is  right. 

A  young  lady  may  use  her  discretion  about  accept- 
ing presents  from  a  man  old  enough  to  be  her  father, 
but  she  should  never  receive  jewelry  from  any  one  but 
a  relative  or  her  fianc£  just  before  marriage.  The  rea- 
son for  this  is  obvious.  It  has  been  abused  —  the  privi- 
lege which  all  men  desire,  that  of  decking  women  with 
finery. 

A  young  lady  should  not  write  letters  to  young 
277 


Hattngra  anft  Mortal 


men,  or  send  them  presents,  or  take  the  initiative  in 
any  way.  A  friendly  correspondence  is  very  proper 
if  the  mother  approves,  but  even  this  has  its  dangers. 
Let  a  young  lady  always  remember  that  she  is  to  the 
young  man  an  angel  to  reverence  until  she  lessens  the 
distance  between  them  and  extinguishes  respect. 

Young  women  often  ask  whether  it  is  proper  for  them 
to  write  letters  of  condolence  or  congratulation  to 
women  older  than  themselves.  We  should  say,  Yes. 
The  respect  of  young  girls  is  always  felt  gratefully 
by  older  women.  The  manners  of  the  present  are 
vastly  to  be  objected  to  on  account  of  a  lack  of  re- 
spect. The  rather  bitter  Mr.  Carlyle  wrote  satirically 
of  the  manners  of  young  ladies.  He  even  had  his 
fling  at  their  laugh:  "Few  are  able  to  laugh  what  can 
be  called  laughing,  but  only  sniff  and  titter  from  the 
throat  outward,  or  at  best  produce  some  whiffling 
husky  cachinnations  as  if  they  were  laughing  through 
wool.  Of  none  such  comes  good."  A  young  lady 
must  not  speak  too  loud  or  be  too  boisterous  ;  she  must 
even  tone  down  her  wit,  lest  she  be  misunderstood. 
But  she  need  not  be  dull,  or  ill-tempered,  or  careless 
of  her  manners,  particularly  to  her  mother's  old  friends. 
She  must  not  talk  slang,  or  be  in  any  way  masculine. 

A  young  lady  may  do  any  manual  labor  without 
losing  caste.  She  may  be  a  good  cook,  a  fine  laundress, 
a  carver  of  wood,  a  painter,  a  sculptor,  an  embroid- 
erer, a  writer,  a  physician,  and  she  will  be  eligible,  if 
her  manners  are  good,  to  the  best  society  anywhere. 
But  if  she  outrage  the  laws  of  good-breeding  in  the 

278 


place  where  she  is,  she  cannot  expect  to  take  her  place 
in  society.  Even  though  her  acts  may  be  innocent  in 
themselves,  if  they  are  in  bad  taste  or  render  her  too 
conspicuous  she  will  discover  that  it  will  be  a  long  time, 
to  say  the  least,  before  she  can  outlive  the  gossip  they 
occasion.  If  she  dresses  "loudly,"  with  peculiar  hats 
and  a  suspicious  complexion,  she  must  take  the  conse- 
quences. She  must  be  careful  (if  she  is  unknown)  not 
to  attempt  to  copy  the  follies  of  well-known  fashion- 
able women.  What  will  be  forgiven  to  Mrs.  Well  Known 
Uptown  will  never  be  forgiven  to  Miss  Nobody.  Society 
in  this  respect  is  very  unjust — the  world  is  always  un- 
just— but  that  is  a  part  of  the  truth  of  etiquette  which 
is  to  be  remembered;  it  is  founded  on  the  accidental 
conditions  of  society,  having  for  its  background,  how- 
ever, the  eternal  principles  of  kindness,  politeness,  and 
the  greatest  good  of  society. 

A  young  lady  who  is  very  prominent  in  society 
should  not  make  herself  too  common;  she  should  not 
appear  in  too  many  charades,  private  theatricals, 
tableaux,  etc.  She  should  remember  the  "violet  by 
the  mossy  stone."  She  must,  also,  at  a  watering-place 
remember  that  every  act  of  hers  is  being  criticised  by 
a  set  of  lookers-on  who  are  not  all  friendly,  and  she 
must,  ere  she  allow  herself  to  be  too  much  of  a  belle, 
remember  to  silence  envious  tongues. 


CHAPTER  XXXVI 

LADY      AND      GENTLEMAN 

HE  question  is  often  asked,  "When  shall  the 
word  lady  and  when  the  word  woman  be 
used?"  It  is  not  of  ultimate  importance  to 
a  woman  what  she  is  called,  but  it  is  of  im- 
portance to  those  who  speak  of  her,  because 
by  their  speech  "shall  ye  know  them,"  wheth- 
er fashionable  or  unfashionable,  whether  old  or  young, 
whether  well-bred  or  ill-bred,  whether  stylish  or  hope- 
lessly out  of  date! 

Nothing,  for  instance,  can  be  in  worse  taste  than  to 
say  "she  is  a  beautiful  lady  "  or  "a  clever  lady."  One 
should  always  say  "beautiful  woman"  "clever  wom- 
an." The  would-be  genteel  make  this  mistake  con- 
stantly, and  in  the  Rosa-Matilda  style  of  novel  the 
gentleman  always  kneels  to  the  lady,  and  the  fair 
ladies  are  scattered  broadcast  through  the  book,  while 
the  fine  old  Saxon  word  "woman"  is  left  out,  or  not 
properly  used. 

Now  it  would  be  easy  enough  to  correct  this  if  we 
could  only  tell  those  who  are  in  doubt  always  to  use  the 
word  "woman."  But  unfortunately  we  are  here  con- 
strained to  say  that  that  would  be  equally  "bad  form." 

280 


No  gentleman  would  say,  "I  am  travelling  with  wom- 
en." He  would  say,  "I  am  travelling  with  ladies." 
He  would  speak  of  his  daughters  as  "young  ladies," 
etc.,  etc.  But  if  he  were  writing  a  novel  about  these 
same  young  ladies,  he  would  avoid  the  word  "lady"  as 
feeble,  and  in  speaking  of  emotions,  looks,  qualities, 
etc.,  he  would  use  the  word  "woman." 

Therefore,  as  a  grand  generic  distinction,  we  can 
say  that  "woman"  should  be  used  when  the  realities 
of  life  and  character  are  treated  of.  "Lady"  should 
be  used  to  express  the  outside  characteristics,  the  con- 
ditions of  cultivated  society,  and  the  respectful,  dis- 
tant, and  chivalric  etiquette  which  society  claims  for 
women  when  members  thereof. 

Then,  our  querist  may  ask,  Why  is  the  phrase  "she 
is  a  beautiful  lady11  so  hopelessly  out  of  style?  Why 
does  it  betray  that  the  speaker  has  not  lived  in  a 
fashionable  set?  Why  must  we  say  "nice  woman," 
"clever  woman,"  "beautiful  woman,"  etc. 

The  only  answer  to  this  is  that  the  latter  phrase- 
ology is  a  caprice  of  fashion  into  which  plain-spoken 
people  were  driven  by  the  affectations  of  the  shabby- 
genteel  and  half-instructed  persons  who  have  ruined 
two  good  words  for  us  by  misapplication.  One  is 
"genteel,"  which  means  gentle,  and  the  other  is 
"lady,"  which  means  everything  that  is  refined,  cul- 
tivated, elegant,  and  aristocratic.  Then  as  to  the  term 
"woman,"  this  nomenclature  has  been  much  affected 
by  the  universal  sans-culottism  of  the  French  Revolu- 
tion, when  the  Queen  was  called  citoyenne.  Much, 

281 


an&  Mortal 


again,  comes  from  our  own  absurd  want  of  self-respect, 
which  has  accrued  in  this  confusion  of  etiquette  in  a 
republic,  as  for  instance,  "I  am  a  lady  —  as  much  a  lady 
as  anybody  —  and  I  want  to  be  called  a  lady,"  remarked 
a  nurse  who  came  for  a  situation  to  the  wife  of  one  of 
our  presidents.  "I  have  just  engaged  a  colored  lady 
as  a  cook,"  remarked  a  nouveau  riche.  No  wonder 
that  when  the  word  came  to  be  thus  misapplied  the 
lover  of  good  English  undefiled  began  to  associate  the 
word  "lady"  with  pretension,  ignorance,  and  bad 
grammar. 

Still,  no  "real  lady"  would  say  to  her  nurse,  "A 
woman  is  coming  to  stay  with  me."  To  servants  the 
term  "lady,"  as  applied  to  a  coming  guest,  is  indis- 
pensable. So  of  a  gentleman  she  would  say  to  her 
servant,  "A  gentleman  is  coming  to  stay  here  for  a 
week";  but  to  her  husband  or  son  she  would  say, 
"He  is  a  clever  man,"  rather  than,  "He  is  a  clever 
gentleman." 

We  might  almost  say  that  no  women  talk  to  men 
about  "gentlemen,"  and  no  men  talk  to  women  about 
"ladies,"  in  fashionable  society.  A  woman  in  good 
society  speaks  of  the  hunting  men,  the  dancing  men, 
the  talking  men.  She  does  not  say  "gentleman,"  un- 
less in  some  such  connection  as  this,  "No  gentleman 
would  do  such  a  thing,"  if  some  breach  of  etiquette 
had  occurred.  And  yet  no  man  would  come  into  a 
lady's  drawing-room  saying,  "Where  are  the  girls?" 
or  "Where  are  the  women?"  He  would  say,  "Where 
are  the  young  ladies?" 

282 


It  therefore  requires  a  fine  ear  and  a  fine  sense  of 
modern  fashion  and  of  eternal  propriety  always  to 
choose  the  right  word  in  the  delicate  and  almost  un- 
settled estate  of  these  two  epithets.  "Lady-like"  can 
never  go  out  of  fashion.  It  is  at  once  a  compliment 
of  the  highest  order  and  a  suggestion  of  subtle  per- 
fection. The  word  "woman"  used  alone  does  not 
reach  up  to  this,  because  in  its  broad  and  strong 
etymology  it  may  mean  a  washer- woman,  a  fighting 
woman,  a  coarse  woman,  alas!  a  drunken  woman.  If 
we  hear  of  "a  drunken  lady,"  we  see  a  downfall,  a 
glimpse  of  better  days;  chloral,  opium,  even  cologne, 
may  have  brought  her  to  it.  The  word  still  saves  her 
miserable  reputation  a  little.  But  the  words  "a 
drunken  woman"  merely  suggest  whiskey,  degrada- 
tion, squalor,  dirt,  and  the  tenement-house.  Yet  when 
we  wish  to  give  the  highest  praise  of  all,  we  use  the 
broad  universal  term  woman,  and  not  the  narrower 
term  lady. 

"A  perfect  Woman,  nobly  planned, 
To  warn,  to  comfort,  and  command." 

It  is  evident  that  we  cannot  do  without  the  word 
"lady."  It  is  the  outgrowth  of  years  of  chivalric 
devotion,  and  of  that  progress  in  the  history  of  woman 
which  has  ever  been  raising  her  from  her  low  estate. 
To  the  Christian  religion  first  does  she  owe  her  rise; 
to  the  institution  of  chivalry,  to  the  growth  of  civiliza- 
tion since,  has  woman  owed  her  continual  elevation. 
She  can  never  go  back  to  the  degradation  of  those 

283 


attb  Serial 


days  when,  in  Greece  and  Rome,  she  was  not  al- 
lowed to  eat  with  her  husband  and  sons.  She  waited 
on  them  as  a  servant.  Now  they  in  every  country 
serve  her,  if  they  are  gentlemen.  But,  owing  to  a 
curious  twist  in  the  way  of  looking  at  things,  she  is 
now  undoubtedly  the  tyrant,  and  in  fashionable  society 
she  is  often  imperiously  ill-bred,  and  requires  that  her 
male  slaves  be  in  a  state  of  servitude  to  which  the 
Egyptian  bondage  would  have  been  light  frivolity. 

American  women  are  said  to  be  faulty  in  manners, 
particularly  in  places  of  public  amusement,  in  railway 
travelling,  in  omnibuses,  and  in  shops.  Men  complain 
very  much  that  the  fairer  sex  are  very  brutal  on  these 
occasions.  "I  wish  women  would  behave  like  ladies," 
said  a  man  at  a  matine'e.  "Yes,"  said  his  friend,  "I 
wish  they  would  behave  like  men."  Just  then  a  sharp 
feminine  elbow  was  thrust  into  his  side.  "I  wish 
gentlemen  would  not  crowd  so,"  was  the  remark  which 
accompanied  the  "dig  under  the  fifth  rib"  from  a 
person  whom  no  one  could  call  a  lady. 

In  modern  literature  the  terms  man  and  woman  have 
nearly  obliterated  the  words  gentleman  and  lady,  and 
we  can  hardly  imagine  a  more  absurd  phrase  than  the 
following:  "I  asked  Mary  what  she  thought  of  Charles, 
and  she  said  he  was  a  beautiful  gentleman,  and  Charles 
said  that  Mary  was  a  lovely  lady  ;  so  it  was  quite  natural 
that  I  should  try  to  bring  them  together,"  etc.,  etc. 

The  term  "lady"  is  like  the  word  "gentry"  in  Eng- 
land —  it  is  elastic.  All  persons  coming  within  the 
category  of  "gentry"  may  attend  the  Queen's  Draw- 

284 


ing-room,  yet  it  is  well  understood  that  birth,  wealth, 
association,  and  position  give  the  raison  d'etre  for  the 
use  of  such  a  privilege,  and  in  that  carefully  guarded 
English  society  the  wife  or  daughters  of  an  officer  in 
the  navy  or  in  a  line  regiment  whose  means  are  slen- 
der and  whose  position  is  obscure  would  not  be  jus- 
tified in  presenting  themselves  at  court.  The  same 
remark  holds  good  of  the  wives  and  daughters  of 
Clergymen,  barristers,  doctors,  authors,  and  artists, 
although  the  husband,  if  eminent,  might  attend  a 
court  reception  if  he  wished.  Yet  these  women  are 
very  tenacious  of  the  title  of  lady,  and  no  trades- 
man's wife  would  deny  it  to  them,  while  she  would 
not,  if  ever  so  rich,  aspire  to  be  called  a  lady  herself. 

"I  ain't  no  lady  myself,  but  I  can  afford  to  have 
'em  as  governesses,"  remarked  a  Mrs.  Kicklebury  on 
the  Rhine.  She  was  not  at  all  ashamed  of  the  fact 
that  she  was  no  lady  herself,  yet  her  compeer  and 
equal  in  America,  if  she  kept  a  gin-shop,  would  insist 
upon  the  title  of  lady. 

A  lady  is  a  person  of  refinement,  of  education,  of 
fashion,  of  birth,  of  prestige,  of  a  higher  grade  of  some 
sort,  if  we  apply  the  term  rightly.  She  may  be  out  of 
place  through  loss  of  fortune,  or  she  may  have  sullied 
her  title,  but  a  something  tells  us  that  she  is  still  a 
lady.  We  have  a  habit  of  saying,  as  some  person 
perhaps  well  decked  out  with  fortune's  favors  passes 
us,  "She  is  not  a  lady,"  and  every  one  will  know  what 
we  mean.  The  phrase  "vulgar  lady,"  therefore,  is  an 
absurdity;  there  is  no  such  thing;  as  well  talk  of  a 

285 


anft  Mortal 


$H|HgH|HgHSH|H|H§H^^ 

white  blackbird;  the  term  is  self-contradictory.  If 
she  is  vulgar,  she  is  not  a  lady  ;  but  there  is  such  a  thing 
as  a  vulgar  woman,  and  it  is  a  very  real  thing. 

Now  as  to  the  term  "old  woman"  or  "old  lady." 
The  latter  has  a  pretty  sound.  We  see  the  soft  white 
curls,  so  like  floss  silk,  the  delicate  white  camel's-hair 
shawl,  the  soft  lace  and  appropriate  black  satin  gown, 
the  pretty,  old-fashioned  manner,  and  we  see  that  this 
is  a  real  lady.  She  may  have  her  tricks  of  old-fash- 
ioned speech;  they  do  not  offend  us.  To  be  sure,  she 
has  no  slang;  she  does  not  talk  about  "awfully  jolly  " 
or  a  "ghastly  way  off";  she  does  not  talk  of  the  boys 
as  being  a  "bully  lot"  or  the  girls  as  being  "beastly 
fine";  she  does  not  say  that  she  is  "feeling  rather 
seedy  to-day,"  etc.  No,  "our  old  lady"  is  a  "lady," 
and  it  would  be  in  bad  taste  to  call  her  an  "old  wom- 
an," which  somehow  sounds  disrespectful. 

Therefore,  while  begging  of  our  readers  to  use  the 
word  "woman"  whenever  they  can,  we  must  suggest 
that  they  should  not  entirely  drop  the  word  "lady." 
The  real  lady  or  gentleman  is  very  much  known  by 
the  voice,  the  choice  of  words,  the  appropriate  term. 
Nothing  can  be  better  than  to  err  on  the  side  of 
simplicity,  which  is  always  better  than  gush  or  over- 
effort  or  conceit  of  speech.  One  may  be  "ignorant 
of  the  shibboleth  of  a  good  set,"  yet  speak  most  ex- 
cellent English. 

Thackeray  said  of  George  IV.  that  there  was  only 
one  reason  why  he  should  not  have  been  called  the 
"first  gentleman  in  Europe,"  and  that  was  because  he 

286 


(f  urstintts 


was  not  a  gentleman.  Therefore,  while  we  see  that 
birth  does  not  always  make  a  gentleman,  we  still  get 
the  idea  that  it  may  help  to  make  one,  as  we  do  not 
readily  connect  the  idea  with  Jeames,  who  was  a 
"gentleman's  gentleman."  He  might  have  been  "fine," 
but  not  "noble." 

As  for  titles  for  married  women,  we  have  only  the 
one  word  "Mrs.,"  not  even  the  pretty  French  "Ma- 
dame." But  no  woman  should  write  herself  "Mrs." 
on  her  checks  or  at  the  foot  of  her  notes;  nowhere 
except  in  a  hotel  register,  or  on  a  card,  should  she  give 
herself  this  title,  simple  though  it  be.  She  is  always, 
if  she  writes  in  the  first  person,  "Mary  Smith,"  even 
to  a  person  she  does  not  know.  This  seems  to  trouble 
some  people,  who  ask,  "How  will  such  a  person  know 
that  I  am  married?"  Why  should  he?  If  desirous 
of  informing  some  distant  servant  or  other  person  of 
that  fact,  add  in  parenthesis  beneath  "Mary  Smith" 
the  words  (Mrs.  John  Smith.) 

When  women  are  allowed  to  vote,  perhaps  further 
complications  may  arise.  The  truth  is,  married  women 
have  no  real  names.  They  simply  are  called  by  the 
name  of  the  husband,  and  if  they  marry  several  times 
may  well  begin  to  doubt  their  own  identity.  Happy 
those  who  never  have  to  sign  but  one  new  name  to 
their  letters! 

19 


CHAPTER  XXXVII 

ETIQUETTE      FOR      MEN 

UR  young  men,  with  the  exception  of  the  sons 
of  multi-millionaires,  are  so  occupied  with 
business  pursuits  that  it  is  difficult  for  them 
to  find  time  to  pay  calls.  Nevertheless,  if  they 
wish  to  goin  to  society,  they  must  conform  to 
its  requirements.  A  hostess  may  well  say, ' '  If 
you  can  spare  an  entire  evening  to  dine  at  my  house, 
you  ought  to  be  able  to  devote  half  an  hour  to  a  call, 
in  acknowledgment  of  my  hospitality." 

It  is  a  great  pity  that  evening  calls  have  been  sup- 
planted to  such  an  extent  by  the  late  afternoon  call 
in  our  large  cities.  The  time  for  this  is  the  five-o'clock 
tea  hour — between  five  and  half-past  six  in  New  York, 
for  it  will  not  do  to  detain  one's  hostess  so  long  as  to 
make  her  late  in  dressing  for  dinner.  The  hours  for 
calling  vary  in  different  cities,  and  one  should  always 
try  to  ascertain  and  conform  to  local  usage.  To  the 
man  who  can  leave  his  office  or  place  of  business  early, 
the  hour  for  afternoon  tea  is  a  very  pleasant  time  to 
go  and  see  the  ladies  of  his  acquaintance.  But  for 
many  people  in  large  cities,  and  for  all  suburbanites  who 
go  back  and  forth  on  trains,  no  social  visiting  is  pos- 

288 


fur  Men 


^ 

sible  before  the  evening.  In  New  York,  where  eight 
o'clock  is  the  fashionable  hour  for  dining,  society  men 
have  given  up  formal  evening  calls,  since  it  is  awk- 
ward to  find  the  hostess  engaged  with  a  dinner-party. 
Where  they  are  on  a  certain  footing  of  intimacy,  they 
use  the  telephone  to  ascertain  whether  the  lady  of  the 
house  will  be  at  home  in  the  evening,  the  proper  hour 
for  calling  being  about  nine  o'clock. 

It  has  always  been  permissible  for  men  to  make 
what  we  may  call  familiar  calls  on  Sunday,  and  the 
custom  of  paying  and  receiving  visits  on  Sunday  after- 
noon has  increased  in  favor  of  late  years.  While  many 
people  disapprove  strongly  of  the  practice  of  devoting 
any  part  of  Sunday  to  gayety,  there  would  seem  to 
be  no  reason  to  forbid  a  man's  going  to  see  his  friends 
on  his  one  free  day.  A  gentleman  would  not,  of  course, 
pay  a  visit  on  Sunday  at  a  house  where  he  knew  the 
hostess  disapproved  of  the  practice. 

It  is  proper  to  call  after  every  invitation,  and  it  is 
considered  discourteous  not  to  do  so  after  a  dinner 
or  luncheon.  These  last  visits  should  be  made  in  per- 
son, especially  the  dinner-call,  within  one  or  two  weeks. 
In  New  York  city,  with  its  immense  distances,  it  is 
impossible  for  many  busy  men  to  carry  out  this  rule, 
especially  where  they  are  much  in  demand  as  dinner 
guests.  If  it  is  a  first  invitation,  a  society  man  will 
make  a  special  effort  to  pay  the  necessary  dinner-call 
within  the  prescribed  time.  When  he  is  unable  to 
do  so,  he  will  send  cards,  and  call  as  soon  as  he  has 
leisure,  or  he  will  perhaps  send  flowers.  While  it  is 

289 


fHattrurs  an&  Mortal 


becoming  the  custom  in  the  metropolis  for  men  to 
send  cards  through  the  mail,  bachelors  are  expected 
to  make  personal  calls  also  upon  those  who  have  en- 
tertained them  as  well  as  upon  their  intimate  friends. 

In  Washington  it  is  not  allowed  to  send  cards  by 
mail.  Some  gentlemen  employ  their  private  secre- 
taries to  leave  cards  for  them,  however,  on  a  day  when 
the  hostess  is  not  receiving. 

A  man  usually  leaves  his  overcoat,  cane,  hat,  and 
gloves  in  the  hall  when  paying  an  afternoon  call. 

If  the  lady  of  the  house  is  receiving,  he  hands  his 
card  to  the  servant,  or  places  it  on  the  hall-table.  He 
then  follows  the  servant  to  the  drawing-room,  where 
she  holds  open  the  door  and  announces  him,  according 
to  modern  custom.  He  does  not  shake  hands  with  his 
hostess,  unless  she  extends  her  hand  first,  this  being  a 
feminine  privilege.  If  another  caller  enters  he  rises, 
and  if  a  lady  stands  up  he  must  rise  and  not  resume 
his  seat  until  she  takes  hers.  It  is  not  proper  for  men 
to  try  to  "sit  each  other  out."  The  person  who  ar- 
rives first  should  be  the  first  to  leave,  fifteen  or  twenty 
minutes  being  the  proper  length  of  time  for  a  formal 
call.  A  man  tries  to  turn  his  back  as  little  as  possible 
when  leaving  a  room  where  there  are  ladies.  Some 
men  have  adopted  the  pretty,  foreign  custom  of  stop- 
ping when  they  reach  the  door,  clicking  their  heels 
together,  and  bowing  as  they  are  about  to  leave  the 
room.  But  it  takes  a  graceful  man  to  do  this  well. 
A  man  must  be  very  careful  not  to  step  between  two 
people  who  are  talking,  nor  to  step  in  front  of  any  one 

290 


£ttqit?tt*  far  JHrtt 


without  apologizing.  He  must  never  permit  a  lady 
to  move  a  chair  without  offering  to  assist  her.  He  of 
course  shakes  hands  with  another  man  when  they  are 
introduced,  but  not  with  a  woman. 

He  must  never  call  upon  a  lady,  unless  she  has  in- 
vited him  to  do  so.  If  she  is  unmarried,  he  must  ask 
for  her  mother  also  when  paying  a  formal  call,  es- 
pecially on  the  occasion  of  his  first  visit. 

In  making  the  first  call  of  the  season,  a  gentleman 
should  leave  a  card  for  the  lady  of  the  house,  one  for 
the  gentleman  of  the  family,  and  one  for  the  daughter. 
It  is  not  well,  however,  to  leave  more  than  two  or  three 
cards. 

In  making  subsequent  calls  it  suffices  to  leave  one 
card  in  acknowledgment  of  an  invitation,  unless  he 
has  been  asked  to  meet  some  one,  in  which  case,  he 
should  leave  another  card  for  the  guest.  It  is  always 
courteous,  however,  to  leave  a  second  card  for  the 
master  of  the  house,  and  some  authorities  say  that  a 
bachelor  should  do  this,  just  as  one  married  lady  leaves 
two  cards  of  her  husband's  when  calling  at  the  house 
of  another.  If  a  young  man  is  so  fortunate  as  to  pos- 
sess a  mother  or  sisters,  they  may  leave  his  cards  with 
their  own,  in  acknowledgment  of  other  invitations 
than  those  for  a  dinner,  luncheon,  or  similar  occasion. 
Married  men  usually  leave  the  business  of  formal 
visiting  to  their  wives,  and  elderly  bachelors  sometimes 
claim  the  privilege  of  age,  and  perhaps  the  pressure  of 
business  cares,  as  an  excuse  for  paying  few  calls. 
Society  expects,  however,  that  those  who  have  re- 

291 


an&  Mortal 


<S*S*SHgH$H8*JH|H|^^ 

ceived  hospitality  shall  show  their  sense  of  obligation 
by  making  some  return. 

At  a  ball  a  young  man  should  be  careful  to  dance  with 
and  show  attention  to  the  daughters  of  those  who  have 
asked  him  to  their  houses,  as  well  as  to  the  hostess  of 
the  evening.  If  invited  to  a  debutante  tea,  he  may 
send  flowers.  After  making  a  week-end  or  longer  visit, 
he  must  remember  to  write  his  hostess  a  graceful  note 
of  thanks  within  a  week.  He  should  answer  all  invita- 
tions except  "at  home"  cards,  promptly  and  courteous- 
ly, saying  decidedly  whether  he  is  or  is  not  able  to 
accept  the  proffered  hospitality. 

If  he  has  pleasant  quarters,  he  may  invite  ladies 
to  a  dinner  or  an  afternoon  tea  there,  or  he  may  act 
as  host  at  a  theatre-party.  In  either  case,  he  must 
be  careful  to  secure  the  services  of  a  chaperon,  prefer- 
ably a  relative. 

In  Europe  a  young  man  must  ask  the  consent  of  a 
girl's  parents  before  paying  his  addresses  to  her.  In 
our  own  country  this  is  usually  postponed  until  after 
the  engagement.  An  honorable  man,  however,  should 
call  on  the  father  of  his  lady-love  and  ask  his  consent 
to  the  marriage  as  soon  as  possible. 

The  announcement  of  the  engagement  should  come 
first  from  the  family  of  the  young  lady.  It  is  often 
arranged  to  have  the  pleasant  news  formally  an- 
nounced to  the  world  on  a  certain  day,  previous  to 
which  the  young  couple  take  care  to  inform  their  near 
relatives  and  friends,  so  that  these  shall  not  be  offend- 
ed by  hearing  the  news  from  strangers.  It  is  a  breach 

292 


for 


of  good  manners  to  ask  any  one  save  a  near  relative 
or  a  very  intimate  friend  whether  the  news  of  his  en- 
gagement is  true.  One  should  wait  patiently  for  the 
announcement. 

The  family  of  the  young  man  should  pay  the  first 
call  on  that  of  his  fiancee;  they  should  also  show  her 
hospitality,  and  treat  her  with  cordiality. 

A  man  does  not,  as  a  rule,  make  a  proposal  of  mar- 
riage unless  he  has  a  reasonable  prospect  of  being  able 
to  marry  within  a  year  or  two.  However,  one  who  is 
very  much  in  love  cannot  be  expected  to  run  the  risk 
of  losing  the  girl  of  his  heart  by  delay;  but  he  ought  to 
be  frank  about  his  prospects. 

It  is  to  be  feared  that  many  young  men  in  our  day 
are  deterred  from  marrying  because  they  cannot 
afford  large  establishments,  forgetting  that  the  hap- 
piest marriages  are  often  those  where  a  young  couple 
begin  life  on  a  small  scale,  making  their  way  to- 
gether. 

The  engagement  -  ring,  where  one  is  given,  should 
bear  some  proportion  to  the  means  of  the  prospective 
bridegroom. 

A  solitaire  diamond  is  always  fashionable;  but  no 
sensible  girl  would  want  one  if  she  knew  her  fiance 
could  not  afford  it! 

For  other  presents  he  must  content  himself  with 
those  which  custom  permits  a  man  to  send  to  a  young 
woman  —  flowers,  fruit,  candy,  or  other  trifles.  He 
must  by  no  means  send  her  articles  of  dress,  or  offer 
to  pay  for  her  trousseau  or  any  part  of  it.  All  the 

293 


attft  ^nrtal 


expenses  of  the  wedding,  including  the  cards,  are 
borne  by  the  family  of  the  bride. 

Her  betrothed  should,  however,  be  careful  to  make 
out  in  good  season  a  full  list  of  his  friends  and  those 
of  his  family  to  whom  cards  or  announcements  are  to 
be  sent. 

The  bridegroom  must  procure  the  marriage  license, 
in  those  States  where  one  is  required.  He  pays  for 
this,  of  course,  as  also  for  the  services  of  the  clergy- 
man. He  should  be  careful  to  ascertain  beforehand 
the  legal  requirements  in  the  place  where  the  marriage 
is  to  take  place.  In  some  European  countries  very 
tedious  formalities  are  necessary,  especially  in  the 
case  of  foreigners. 

He  should  call  on  the  clergyman  in  good  season 
and  engage  his  services.  The  fee  varies  with  the  means 
of  the  bridegroom,  from  five  dollars  upward.  He 
places  the  amount  (which  should  be  in  gold)  in  an  en- 
velope, and  intrusts  it  to  the  best  man,  who  hands  it 
to  the  clergyman  on  the  day  of  the  wedding. 

The  bridegroom  selects  and  pays  for  the  wedding- 
ring,  giving  this  also  into  the  care  of  the  best  man. 
His  other  expenses  are  for  the  carriage  which  takes 
him  and  his  best  man  to  church,  returning  with  the 
latter  to  the  bride's  house,  the  carriage  in  which  the 
newly  married  couple  leave  the  bride's  house  for  their 
honey-moon,  and  sometimes  for  those  used  by  the 
ushers.  He  usually  sends  a  bouquet  to  the  bride, 
and  one  to  each  of  the  bridesmaids,  and  may  give  a 
souvenir  to  each  of  the  ushers.  According  to  recent 

294 


far 


usage  he  also  pays  for  the  ties  and  gloves  worn  by 
these  gentlemen  at  the  wedding,  and  often  presents 
them  with  a  scarf-pin  or  other  souvenir. 

If  he  gives  a  bachelor  dinner,  this  will  take  place  a 
few  days  before  the  marriage,  and  his  ushers  will  be 
among  the  guests. 

Thus  it  will  be  seen  that  the  bridegroom  can — if  he 
chooses — expend  quite  a  sum  of  money  on  the  eve  of 
his  marriage,  since  he  will  also  wish  to  make  his  bride  a 
present,  which  is  usually  a  piece  of  jewelry.  The  truth 
is,  Americans  have  such  a  tendency  to  exaggeration, 
that  church  weddings  in  our  country  have  now  be- 
come occasions  involving  an  amount  of  show,  parade, 
and  expense  which  borders  upon  vulgarity.  Many 
people  prefer  to  be  married  in  a  quieter  way,  thus 
avoiding  publicity  and  ostentation.  If  the  wedding  is 
at  the  bride's  house,  neither  ushers  nor  bridesmaids 
are  necessary.  The  bride  may  enter  with  the  bride- 
groom (the  old  custom),  or  with  her  father,  as  she 
would  at  the  church  ceremony.  One  would  suppose 
that  a  gentleman  would  always  wish  to  behave  in  a 
way  worthy  of  the  same,  yet  the  behavior  of  some 
young  men  at  the  wedding  of  a  friend  savors  strongly 
of  rowdyism.  The  tormenting  of  the  bridal  couple ,  bom- 
barding them  and  their  carriage  with  missiles  thrown 
with  such  violence  sometimes  as  to  frighten  the  horses, 
shows  how  little  we  have  emerged  from  savagery. 

It  is  bad  enough  to  do  these  things  at  the  house  of 
the  bride's  parents,  but  some  young  men  so  far  forget 
themselves  as  to  abuse  the  hospitality  generously 

295 


IBamtgrg  attft  Mortal 


^^^^^^^^^^^^^t^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^M»^^^^^^ 

offered  them  by  a  clergyman.  To  throw  rice,  flowers, 
or  confetti  about  in  the  parlors  of  a  parsonage  is 
against  all  the  laws  of  courtesy. 

COUNTRY   CLUBS 

I  believe  it  was  Dr.  Johnson  who  said  that  some 
people  were  not  clubable.  No  one  is  a  fit  member  of  a 
country  club  unless  he  has  the  right  spirit — a  spirit  of 
good-fellowship,  fairness,  and  respect  for  the  comfort 
as  well  as  the  rights  of  others.  It  is  the  duty  of  every 
member  to  inform  himself  of  the  regulations  and  to 
obey  them.  As  the  membership  of  a  country  club 
usually  includes  ladies,  men  must  be  especially  careful 
to  do  nothing  that  would  be  disagreeable  to  these. 

There  are  some  selfish  people  who  keep  within  the 
letter  of  the  rules,  but  violate  the  spirit.  Thus  a  certain 
gentleman,  who  was  very  fond  of  fishing,  managed  to 
obtain  more  than  his  share  by  putting  in  his  wife's 
name  as  well  as  his  own  when  the  drawing  for  the  next 
day's  fishing-pools  took  place.  He  thus  sometimes 
secured  two  for  the  same  morning,  and,  as  his  wife 
never  fished,  he  was  in  the  habit  of  going  over  to  her 
pool  if  his  own  did  not  furnish  good  sport.  No  matter 
what  distinguished  person  was  a  guest  of  the  club,  this 
man  never  thought  of  offering  him  the  use  of  a  pool. 
Needless  to  say  that  the  member  who  showed  such  a 
selfish  spirit  became  exceedingly  unpopular. 

Men  should  be  careful  to  smoke  only  in  such  parts 
of  the  club-house  as  the  rules  permit,  and  to  refrain 

296 


from  pipe  -  smoking  altogether,  if  this  is  forbidden. 
The  rules  of  country  clubs  differ  in  different  localities. 
A  certain  code  of  etiquette  prevails,  however,  both 
in  city  and  in  country  clubs.  Thus  the  tipping  of 
the  employe's,  including  caddies,  is  strictly  forbidden. 
No  servant  or  employe*  should  ever  be  asked  to  leave 
the  club  (or,  in  the  country,  the  club  grounds)  on  per- 
sonal errands  for  members  or  guests.  No  club  prop- 
erty can  be  taken  from  the  premises.  Advertisements 
and  subscription-lists  should  not  be  posted  in  a  club- 
house without  the  consent  of  the  Board  of  Trustees. 
Some  societies  forbid  playing  games  for  stakes;  some 
forbid  games  of  cards  and  out-door  sports  on  Sunday. 
A  man  must  very  carefully  avoid  introducing  at  his 
club  any  person  for  whose  character  and  respectability 
he  cannot  vouch,  since  he  himself  is  very  properly  held 
responsible  for  the  conduct  of  the  guest,  and  for  the 
latter  's  debts  also,  should  he  contract  any.  A  guest 
at  a  country  club  must  conform  to  all  the  rules  and 
must  claim  only  the  privileges  offered  him,  whether  of 
the  grounds  or  of  the  house  or  both,  and  only  for  the 
specified  length  of  time  —  a  day,  a  fortnight,  or  what- 
ever it  may  be.  He  must  never  introduce  another 
person  to  the  club-house  or  grounds.  He  is  not  usual- 
ly permitted  to  take  part  in  club  competitions.  A 
member  introducing  a  guest  should  do  so  in  the  manner 
prescribed  by  the  regulations  —  procuring  a  guest-card 
where  this  is  necessary,  and  informing  him  of  the  club 
rules.  A  member  usually  accompanies  his  guest  to  the 
club  on  the  occasion  of  the  latter's  introduction  to  it. 

297 


CHAPTER  XXXVIII 

THE    ETIQUETTE    OF    SPORT 

INCE  the  English  have  made  a  serious  study 
and  practice  of  sport,  far  exceeding  those 
of  any  other  modern  nation,  we  may  well 
look  to  them  for  its  true  spirit,  as  this  under- 
lies all  the  etiquette  of  sports. 

The  Frenchman  who  represented  the  Eng- 
lishman as  saying,  "This  is  a  fine  morning — let  us  go 
out  and  kill  something,"  satirized  keenly  the  brutality 
of  the  hunt.  This  is  the  bad  side  of  the  Britons'  point 
of  view,  but  there  is  a  far  better  one,  of  which  even 
the  chase  affords  a  glimpse,  in  spite  of  its  attendant 
cruelties.  Englishmen  scorn  to  hunt  a  tame  fox,  and 
if  any  of  them  shoot  birds  that  are  partly  domes- 
ticated, the  rest  are  sure  to  make  fun  of  them.  They 
hold  it  to  be  unfair  not  to  allow  the  quarry,  no  matter 
how  humble,  a  chance  for  its  life.  They  hunt  not 
primarily  to  kill,  but  for  the  excitement  of  the  contest 
— and,  as  we  know,  the  sly  fox  often  escapes. 

"Sport  for  sport's  sake,"  not  for  what  you  can  get 
out  of  it,  game  or  prizes  or  honors.  The  great  point 
is  the  pursuit  or  the  sport  itself — the  joy  of  exercise 
in  the  open  air,  of  keen  concentration  of  mind,  of  a 

298 


ttiqurtte  nf 


friendly  and  manly  strife  between  honorable  rivals. 
Play  the  game  earnestly,  seriously,  fairly,  and  give 
every  one  a  chance.  Win  by  fair  means  if  you  can; 
far  better  lose  than  win  by  foul  ones.  Such  is  the 
Englishman's  motto.  Or,  to  put  it  in  a  single  phrase, 
he  believes  in  "the  survival  of  the  fittest"  in  com- 
petitive sport.  Of  course  he  doesn't  always  live  up  to 
his  ideal,  owing  to  the  weakness  of  human  nature,  but 
he  believes  in  it. 

In  our  own  country  we  have  greatly  bettered  and 
improved  many  games  through  our  inventive  genius. 
But  in  the  keenness  of  competition,  which  is  one  of  our 
national  weaknesses,  we  too  often  play  merely  to  win, 
and  are  so  eager  about  it  that  we  sometimes  forget  to 
be  fair.  Women,  who  have  had  much  less  experience 
in  out-of-door  sports  than  men,  need  to  be  especially 
cautioned  against  the  lack  of  seriousness  on  the  one 
hand,  and  the  tendency  to  unfairness  or  loss  of  temper 
on  the  other,  which  are  so  opposed  to  the  true  spirit  of 
sport  and  are  so  exasperating  to  the  genuine  sports- 
man. Men  need  to  be  cautioned,  too,  with  regard  to 
their  demeanor  when  playing  with  women.  They 
must  not  get  so  interested  in  a  game  as  to  overtax  the 
strength  or  endurance  of  a  feminine  opponent  or 
partner.  They  must  never  forget  the  courtesy  which 
an  American  man  owes  to  women.  Better  lose  a  game 
or  a  set  than  fail  in  politeness  towards  a  lady.  Per- 
haps her  view  of  the  score  and  his  are  directly  opposed 
—  perhaps  he  feels  perfectly  sure  he  is  right.  Never- 
theless, he  cannot  insist  that  his  companion  is  wrong— 

299 


jBanttgra  att&  Mortal 


M"8"S"i"i"8"f"g"fr^^ 

although  he  may  be  excused  from  playing  with  her  in 
future,  if  he  finds  her  unfair.  Women  who  persist  in 
such  conduct,  have  only  themselves  to  blame  if  men 
prefer  not  to  play  with  them. 

GOLF 

It  is  pleasant  to  find  that  women  not  only  play  this 
ancient  game  with  due  seriousness,  but  actually  with  a 
grim  and  terrible  earnestness  —  some  women,  that  is  to 
say.  The  old-time  golfer  objected  to  the  admission  of 
ladies  to  play  on  the  links  on  account  of  their  supposed 
frivolity.  And  now,  by  a  strange  turning  of  the  tables, 
it  is  said  to  be  the  women  who  uphold  the  ancient 
traditions,  the  men  viewing  the  game  in  a  spirit  frivo- 
lous by  comparison. 

Miss  Amy  Pascoe,  an  English  authority  and  former 
champion,  once  divided  lady  golfers  into  three  classes. 
First  the  Golfer.  "A  good  match  and  a  good  score 
are  her  pleasures.  She  takes  a  genuine  interest  in  links 
and  clubs.  From  her  the  secretary  hears  no  complaints 
of  the  difficulties  on  the  course  or  the  unfairness  of  her 
luck.  She  is  a  favorite  with  the  handicap  committee, 
because  a  reduction  of  her  odds  is  followed  by  no  out- 
cry; it  dares  curtail  her  allowance  on  any  improvement 
of  form  shown,  not  waiting  for  a  win,  her  ambition  being 
a  championship,  not  a  button-hook!" 

Miss  Pascoe's  description  of  the  second  class  of  lady  • 
golfers,  the  Pot-hunters,  shows  us  what  form  of  be- 
havior is  most  odious  upon  the  links.      "These  pro- 
fessional prize-catchers  are  fortunately  not  common. 

300 


Etiqueti*  af 


.  .  .  Their  only  enjoyment  is  in  winning.  They  are  no 
sportswomen.  If  they  lose,  we  know  that  we  shall  all 
hear  about  their  bad  luck.  The  way  that  bad  luck 
'goes'  for  them  is  extraordinary.  Pot-hunters  never 
seem  to  have  any  game  of  their  own  to  think  about, 
but  they  make  up  for  this  by  taking  a  five-hundred 
horse-power  interest  in  other  people's.  " 

The  third  class  she  describes  as  the  Players.  "Happy, 
light-hearted,  irresponsible  player  !  You  hurry  out  to  the 
tee  and  rush  back  again  for  balls  !  You  putt  and  talk  with 
the  flag  in  the  hole,  and  add  up  the  score  on  the  green, 
while  two  cracks  wait  to  play  their  approach.  We  do  not 
even  expostulate  when  on  the  point  of  striking  off  the  tee; 
we  are  suddenly  startled  and  miss  the  globe  by  hearing 
eager  voices  discuss  Mrs.  B's  last  dance  from  an  adjacent 
green.  To  preserve  you  we  will  cede  the  golfer's  unwritten 
rule  of  silence.  Casual  observers  might  think  you  had 
nothing  to  do  with  the  game,  and  had  merely  come  out  for 
two  hours'  hard  conversational  exercise.  Nevertheless, 
we  like  you!" 

Women  must  guard  carefully  against  ugly  and  awkward 
attitudes  when  playing  this  game.  The  old-time  golfers 
considered  it  too  ungraceful  a  game  for  women,  but  it 
is  said  now  that  both  men  and  women  can  play  it  grace- 
fully —  and  without  grace. 

Since  the  code  of  the  Royal  and  Ancient  Golf  Club 
of  St.  Andrews,  Scotland,  is  also  the  standard  in  this 
country,  we  will  quote  its  rules  of  etiquette: 

A  single  player  has  no  standing,  and  must  always  give 
way  to  a  properly  constituted  match. 

301 


JHatttters  anb  Mortal 


<H"S*s*i"i"§"i"S"|Hi^^ 

No  player,  caddie,  or  on-looker  should  move  or  talk  during 
a  stroke. 

No  player  should  play  from  the  tee  until  the  party  in  front 
have  played  their  second  strokes  and  are  out  of  range,  nor 
play  up  to  the  putting-green  till  the  party  in  front  have 
holed  out  and  moved  away. 

The  player  who  has  the  honor  from  the  tee  should  be  allowed 
to  play  before  his  opponent  tees  his  ball. 

Players  who  have  holed  out  should  not  try  their  putts  over 
again  when  other  players  are  following  them. 

Players  looking  for  a  lost  ball  must  allow  other  matches, 
coming  up,  to  pass  them.  On  request  being  made,  a  three-ball 
match  must  allow  a  single,  threesome,  or  foursome  to  pass. 
Any  match  playing  a  whole  round  may  claim  the  right  to  pass 
a  match  playing  a  shorter  round. 

If  a  match  fail  to  keep  its  place  on  the  green,  and  lose  in 
distance  more  than  one  clear  hole  on  those  in  front,  it  may  be 
passed,  on  request  being  made. 

Turf  cut  or  displaced  by  a  stroke  should  at  once  be  replaced. 

A  player  should  carefully  fill  up  all  holes  made  by  himself  in 
a  bunker. 

It  is  the  duty  of  an  umpire  or  referee  to  take  cognizance  of 
any  breach  of  rule  that  he  may  observe,  whether  he  be  ap- 
pealed to  on  this  point  or  not. 

When  a  man  and  a  woman  play  together,  he  carries  her 
bag  of  clubs  if  there  is  no  caddie  to  perform  this  service. 
He  makes  her  tees  and  helps  her  to  find  her  balls. 

The  golfer  must  not  become  so  interested  in  his  favorite 
game  as  to  drive  the  ball  out  of  bounds,  especially  if  he 
be  near  a  road  used  by  the  general  public. 

Not  long  since  a  player,  in  a  town  near  New  York  City, 
was  so  careless  as  to  strike  a  lady  passing  on  the  neigh- 
boring highway  with  his  ball.  The  force  of  the  blow 
was  so  great  as  to  cut  her  face  and  injure  her  front 
teeth.  The  player  contented  himself  with  saying  he  was 
sorry,  but  did  nothing  to  help  the  lady  and  her  escort. 

302 


Etiqtsttt*  of 


On  proper  representations  to  the  president  of  the  club, 
a  day  or  two  later,  this  callous  person  was  made  to 
understand  his  duty  better,  and  offered  to  pay  for  the 
necessary  medical  attendance  for  the  sufferer.  The 
question  of  financial  responsibility  in  such  a  case  is, 
however,  not  the  only  point  of  view  to  be  considered. 
Any  member  of  a  club  is  bound  by  his  fellow-feeling 
for  other  players  on  the  links  to  treat  them  with  decent 
courtesy,  and  in  this  is  included  a  reasonable  care  for 
life  and  limb.  Golf  has  been  called  "the  gentleman's 
game"  and  it  is  essentially  so,  not  only  because  it  is 
expensive  to  play,  but  because  courtesy  is  so  definitely 
a  part  of  it.  The  man  or  woman  who  neglects  these 
points  of  the  etiquette  of  sport  deserves  to  be  expelled 
from  or  at  least  disciplined  by  the  club. 

AUTOMOBILING 

While  in  motoring  it  is  of  vital  importance  to  give  the 
necessary  signals,  a  good  chauffeur  does  not  constantly 
toot  his  horn,  as  this  is  disagreeable  to  the  occupants  of 
the  car,  and  may  be  confusing  to  others.  He  sounds  a 
warning  before  he  comes  to  a  corner  or  crossing,  when 
he  is  about  to  pass  a  carriage  or  other  vehicle,  when  he 
is  coming  up  behind,  when  he  sees  a  pedestrian  cross^ 
ing  or  about  to  cross  the  street  in  front  of  him,  or  on 
any  occasion  where  he  deems  it  necessary  to  avoid 
accident  to  other  people  or  to  his  own  car.  A  motor- 
car has  no  right  of  way  over  other  vehicles,  and  obeys 
the  same  laws — keeping  on  the  right  side  of  the  road, 
passing  another  vehicle  on  the  right  when  they  are 
20  303 


jJattit*rg  attft  Mortal 


going  in  opposite  directions,  on  the  left  when  both 
are  going  the  same  way.  It  is  especially  necessary  to 
blow  the  horn  when  coming  up  behind  a  vehicle,  as 
the  latter  may  be  about  to  stop  or  to  turn  out.  An 
automobile  should  never  stop  in  the  middle  of  the 
road,  but  always  at  the  side,  and  should  be  on  the 
lookout  for  other  cars  coming  swiftly  up  behind,  as 
otherwise  an  accident  may  occur.  It  is  now  custom- 
ary for  a  party  in  a  motor-car  to  stop,  if  they  see  a 
brother  autoist  in  distress  at  the  side  of  the  road, 
and  to  say,  "Can  I  do  anything  for  you?"  While  an- 
other engagement  might  prohibit  the  party  in  the  sound 
automobile  from  towing  the  others,  or  from  making  a 
long  delay,  they  could  at  least  send  a  telegram  or  a 
telephone  message  for  their  fellows  in  distress. 

The  recklessness  of  chauffeurs  is  a  thing  to  be  severe- 
ly reprehended,  and  we  must  hope  the  day  is  not  far 
distant  when  public  opinion  shall  insist  on  careful 
driving.  It  is  not  only  contrary  to  etiquette,  but  to 
every  principle  of  morality,  for  a  man  or  woman  to 
attempt  to  run  a  horseless  vehicle  without  adequate 
knowledge  of  its  construction  and  the  proper  way  of 
operating  it.  In  some  towns  a  severe  penalty  is  in- 
flicted for  violation  of  this  rule.  A  person  who  should 
run  over  or  into  another  without  stopping  to  inquire 
about  the  victim,  and  to  offer  assistance,  could  not 
expect  to  be  considered  a  gentleman.  Such  ruffianly 
conduct  is  unfortunately  not  uncommon.  While  tak- 
ing every  precaution  against  danger  to  human  life  and 
limb,  as  well  as  against  frightening  horses,  the  chauf- 

304 


nf 


feur  when  travelling  rapidly  should  not  swerve  from 
his  path  to  avoid  running  over  a  chicken  or  small 
animal.  This  rule  is  not  dictated  by  cruelty,  but  by 
a  proper  regard  for  the  safety  of  human  beings.  A 
man  must  not  endanger  the  lives  of  the  occupants  of 
his  car,  or  of  another  vehicle,  by  swerving  from  the 
straight  path  unnecessarily  when  moving  rapidly. 

With  regard  to  costume,  the  main  requirements  are 
to  keep  the  dust  out  in  summer  and  the  cold  in  winter. 
As  the  machine  creates  a  tremendous  wind  of  its  own, 
no  headgear  should  be  worn  which  carries  any  sort  of 
sail,  to  speak  nautically.  A  man  wears  a  cap,  a  woman 
a  toque,  or  small  hat  without  a  brim,  and  a  big  auto- 
veil,  completely  covering  her  head  and  neck,  and  tied 
under  her  chin.  Goggles  are  desirable  when  it  is  dusty. 
A  simple  costume,  however,  such  as  a  long  dust-cloak 
in  summer  and  a  fur  coat  in  winter,  is  in  better  taste 
than  the  curious  and  elaborate  garments  devised  for 
the  benefit  of  the  clothier,  one  may  guess. 

It  is  not  usual  or  necessary  to  carry  a  footman  on  a 
touring-car,  because  the  chauffeur  can  render  any  neces- 
sary assistance  to  the  ladies  when  he  has  stopped  his  motor, 
unless  they  are  timid  about  his  leaving  the  machine. 

In  New  York,  those  who  like  to  do  things  in  a  formal 
way  have  a  chauffeur  and  a  footman  seated  on  the 
box-seat  of  an  electric  brougham  when  they  go  to  pay 
calls.  In  city  streets  they  must  move  so  slowly  that  a 
complete  fur  costume  is  not  necessary.  A  livery  of  claret- 
colored  broadcloth  with  Astrachan  cape,  collar,  and  cuffs, 
the  cap  to  match  either  the  fur  or  the  cloth,  is  in  good 

305 


anb  gonal 


style.  For  long  distances  and  rapid  motion  the  chauffeur 
must  be  provided  with  a  long  fur  coat,  fur  cap,  and  fur 
boots.  In  summer  he  wears  a  black  or  tan  leather  cap, 
and  sometimes  leather  puttees  or  leggings. 

CROQUET 

This  game,  so  popular  a  generation  ago,  has  been 
revived  during  the  last  few  years  after  a  long  period 
of  disuse.  The  discussions,  unfair  play,  and  conse- 
quent loss  of  temper  which  often  characterized  the  old 
game  can  now  be  happily  avoided,  as  a  scientific  code  of 
laws  has  been  drawn  up.  These  provide  for  an  umpire, 
who  shall  not  give  his  opinion  or  notice  any  error  that 
may  be  made  unless  appealed  to  by  one  of  the  players. 
The  decision  of  an  umpire  when  appealed  to  shall  be 
final.  Among  his  duties  is  that  of  keeping  the  score. 

When  there  is  no  umpire  present,  permission  to 
move  a  ball  or  set  up  a  peg  or  hoop,  or  other  indulgence 
for  which  an  umpire  would  be  appealed  to,  must  be 
asked  of  the  other  side.  Should  an  umpire  be  unable 
to  decide  any  point  at  issue,  he  may  appeal  to  the 
referee,  whose  decision  shall  be  final,  but  no  player  may 
appeal  to  the  referee  from  the  decision  of  an  umpire. 

The  choice  of  lead  and  balls  shall  be  decided  by  lot; 
in  a  succession  of  games  the  lead  shall  alternate,  the 
same  balls  being  kept. 

Ten  kinds  of  foul  stroke  are  enumerated.  Every 
player  is  entitled  to  be  informed  which  is  the  next 
point  of  any  ball.  The  "Golden  Rule  of  croquet  as  of 
whist  is,  'Play  to  your  partner's  hand/"  So  long  as  a 
pair  can  keep  together,  a  game  is  never  lost. 


CHAPTER  XXXIX 


SERVANTS 

REAT  attention  is  paid  by  the  rich  American 
of  the  present  day  to  the  appearance  of  his 
house  and  carriage  servants.  In  the  early 
days  of  the  republic,  before  Thomas  Jefferson 
tied  his  horse's  rein  to  the  palings  of  the 
fence  and  sauntered  into  the  Capitol  to  be 
inaugurated,  the  aristocrats  of  the  various  cities  had 
a  livery  for  their  servants.  But  after  such  a  dash  of 
cold  water  in  the  face  of  established  usage  by  the  chief 
magistrate  of  the  country,  many  of  the  old  forms  and 
customs  of  colonial  times  fell  into  disuse,  and  among 
others  the  wearing  of  a  livery  by  serving-men.  A 
constantly  declining  grade  of  shabbiness  was  the  result 
of  this,  as  the  driver  of  the  horses  wore  a  coat  and  hat 
of  the  same  style  as  his  master,  only  less  clean  and  new. 
Like  many  of  our  American  ideas  so  good  in  theory, 
the  outcome  of  this  attempt  at  "Liberty,  Equality, 
and  Fraternity"  was  neither  conducive  to  neatness 
nor  elegance.  The  dislike  of  liveries  was  not  confined 
to  this  country.  Thackeray's  keen  wit  and  deep  sym- 
pathy with  the  noblest  elements  of  human  nature 
showed  us,  in  his  Yellowplush  Papers,  the  essential  evil 

307 


iBattnerfi  attfr  Mortal  Haaggg 


of  class  distinctions,  and  the  degrading  effect  of  mak- 
ing our  fellow-men  wear  a  badge  of  servitude. 

Hence  so  strongly  was  the  prejudice  against  liveries 
instilled  into  the  public  mind  that  only  a  few  years 
ago  a  gentleman  of  the  most  aristocratic  circle  of  aris- 
tocratic Philadelphia  declared  that  he  refrained  from 
having  a  liveried  servant  behind  his  carriage  from  fear 
of  shocking  public  opinion.  In  New  York  the  presence 
of  a  large,  foreign,  social  element  long  ago  brought 
about  a  revulsion  of  opinion  in  this  matter,  and  now 
most  persons  who  desire  a  neat,  plain,  and  appropriate 
style  of  dress  for  their  coachmen  and  footmen  put 
them  in  a  livery,  for  which  the  master  pays.  Those 
who  are  particular  in  such  matters  do  not  allow  a 
butler  or  a  footman  to  wear  a  mustache,  and  require  all 
men-servants  to  be  clean-shaven,  except  the  coachman, 
who  is  permitted  to  wear  very  small  whiskers,  cut  and 
shaved  in  a  peculiar  style.  All  must  have  their  hair 
cut  short. 

Many  ladies  have  much  trouble  in  impressing  upon 
their  men-servants  the  necessity  for  personal  neat- 
ness. The  ordinary  attire  of  a  butler  is  a  black  dress- 
coat  with  white  cravat.  A  footman  who  attends  the 
door  in  a  large  establishment,  and  who  is  one  of  many 
servants,  is  usually  in  a  quiet  livery  —  a  frock-coat  with 
brass  buttons,  and  a  striped  waistcoat.  Some  families 
affect  the  scarlet  waistcoat  for  their  footman,  which, 
indeed,  may  be  used  with  very  good  effect  for  the 
negro  servant.  At  the  North,  white  men  are  usually 
employed  for  household  service  by  those  who  aim  at 

308 


elegance,  because  the  trained  foreign  servant  under- 
stands his  business  so  well.  South  of  Mason  and 
Dixon's  line,  the  employment  of  negroes  is  made  nec- 
essary by  the  conditions  of  the  labor  market. 

Neatness  is  indispensable  ;  a  slovenly  and  inattentive 
servant  betrays  a  slovenly  household.  Yet  servants 
often  do  their  employers  great  injustice.  They  are 
slow  to  respond  to  the  bell,  they  give  uncivil  answers  , 
they  deny  one  person  and  admit  another,  they  fail  to 
deliver  notes,  they  are  insolent,  they  neglect  the  or- 
ders of  the  mistress  when  she  is  out.  We  cannot  ex- 
pect perfection,  but  it  is  possible,  by  painstaking  and 
patient  teaching,  to  obtain  more  efficient  domestic 
service.  Servants  are  very  apt  to  take  their  cue  from 
their  employers  —  to  be  civil  if  these  are  civil,  and  in- 
solent if  these  are  insolent.  The  tone  of  the  head  of 
the  house  is  very  apt  to  be  copied  and  exaggerated 
by  his  flunkies.  One  primal  law  we  must  mention 
—  a  hostess  should  never  reprove  her  servants  in  the 
presence  of  her  guests;  it  is  cruel  both  to  guest  and 
servant,  and  always  shows  the  hostess  in  an  unamiable 
light.  Whatever  may  go  wrong,  the  lady  of  the  house 
should  remain  calm;  if  she  is  anguished,  who  can  be 
happy  ? 

We  have  not  here,  nominally,  that  helpful  treasure 
known  in  England  as  the  parlor-maid.  We  call  her 
a  waitress,  and  expect  her  to  do  all  the  work  of  one 
floor.  Such  a  person  can  be  trained  by  a  good  house- 
keeper to  be  a  most  admirable  servant.  She  must  be 
told  to  rise  early,  to  attend  to  the  sweeping  of  the 

309 


anft 


door-steps,  to  open  the  blinds,  to  light  the  fires,  and 
to  lay  the  breakfast-table.  She  must  appear  in  a  neat 
calico  dress,  white  apron  and  cap,  and  wait  upon  the 
family  at  breakfast.  After  breakfast,  the  gentlemen 
will  expect  her  to  brush  their  hats,  to  bring  overcoats 
and  overshoes,  and  to  find  the  umbrellas.  She  must 
answer  the  door-bell  as  well,  so  should  be  nimble-foot- 
ed and  quick-witted.  When  breakfast  is  over,  she  must 
remove  the  dishes  and  wash  them,  clean  the  silver,  and 
prepare  for  the  next  meal.  In  well-regulated  house- 
holds there  is  a  day  for  sweeping,  a  day  for  silver 
cleaning,  a  day  for  mirror-polishing,  and  another  for 
making  bright  and  neat  the  fireplaces;  but  each  one 
of  these  duties  requires  a  certain  share  of  attention 
every  day.  The  parlor  must  be  dusted  and  the  fires 
attended  to,  of  course,  so  the  parlor-maid,  or  the  wait- 
ress, in  a  large  family  has  much  to  do.  The  best  girls 
for  this  arduous  situation  are  English,  but  they  are 
very  difficult  to  procure.  The  Germans  are  not  apt 
to  remain  long  with  one  family.  The  best  available 
parlor-maids  are  Irishwomen  or  Swedes  who  have 
lived  some  time  in  this  country.  With  the  great  in- 
crease of  immigration,  women  of  other  nationalities  — 
Poles,  Finns,  and  Italians  —  are  entering  upon  domestic 
service.  In  the  afternoon  and  evening  such  neat- 
handed  Phyllises  must  wear  a  black  woollen  dress, 
never  silk,  with  a  neat  white  apron,  cap  and  cuffs 
and  collar  of  starched  linen. 

A  servant  often  sins  from  ignorance,  therefore  time 
spent  in  teaching  her  is  not  wasted.     She  should  be 


supplied  with  such  utensils  as  facilitate  work,  and  one  very 
good  housekeeper  declares  that  the  virtue  of  a  waitress 
depends  upon  an  ' '  infinity  of  crash. ' '  There  is  no  doubt 
that  a  large  supply  of  towels  is  a  constant  suggestion  of 
cleanliness  which  is  a  great  moral  support  to  a  waitress. 

In  these  days,  when  people  entertain  so  much,  a 
parlor-maid  has  no  time  to  do  laundry-work,  except 
such  part  of  it  as  may  pertain  to  her  personal  posses- 
sions. The  best  of  all  arrangements  is  to  hire  a  laun- 
dress, who  will  do  all  the  washing  of  the  house.  Even 
in  a  very  economical  household  this  has  been  found  to 
be  the  best  plan,  otherwise  there  is  always  an  unex- 
plained delay  when  the  bell  rings.  The  appearance  at 
the  door  of  a  dishevelled  maid,  with  arms  covered  with 
soapsuds,  is  not  ornamental.  If  a  cook  can  be  found 
who  will  also  undertake  to  do  the  washing  and  ironing, 
it  is  a  better  and  more  satisfactory  arrangement.  But 
in  our  growing  prosperity  this  functionary  has  as- 
sumed new  and  extraordinary  importance,  and  will 
do  nothing  but  cook. 

A  young  housekeeper  beginning  her  life  in  a  great 
city  finds  herself  frequently  confronted  with  the  ne- 
cessity of  having  four  servants — a  cook,  a  laundress,  a 
butler  or  parlor-maid  (sometimes  both),  and  a  cham- 
ber-maid. None  of  these  excellent  auxiliaries  is  will- 
ing to  do  the  other's  work;  they  generally  quarrel.  So 
the  first  experience  of  housekeeping  is  not  agreeable. 
But  it  is  possible  to  find  two  servants  who,  if  proper- 
ly trained,  will  do  all  the  service  of  a  small  family, 
and  do  it  well. 


flattttgra  anS  Mortal 


The  mistress  must  carefully  define  the  work  of 
each,  or  else  hire  them  with  the  understanding  that 
neither  shall  ever  say,  "This  is  not  my  work."  It  is 
sometimes  quite  impossible  to  define  what  is  the  exact 
duty  of  each  servant.  Our  housekeeping  in  this  coun- 
try is  so  chaotic,  and  our  frequent  changes  of  house 
and  fortune  cause  it  to  partake  so  much  of  the  nature 
of  a  provisional  government,  that  every  woman  must 
be  a  Louis  Napoleon,  and  ready  for  a  coup  d'ttat  at 
any  moment. 

The  one  thing  which  every  lady  must  firmly  de- 
mand from  her  servants  is  respect.  The  harassed  and 
troubled  American  woman  who  has  to  cope  with  the 
worst  servants  in  the  world  —  the  ill-trained,  incapa- 
ble, and  vicious  peasantry  of  Europe,  who  come  here 
to  be  "as  good  as  anybody,"  and  who  see  that  it  is 
easily  possible  to  make  a  living  in  America  whether 
they  are  respectful  or  not  —  that  woman  has  a  very 
arduous  task  to  perform. 

But  she  must  gain  at  least  outward  respect  by  in- 
sisting upon  having  it,  and  by  showing  her  servants 
that  she  regards  it  as  even  a  greater  desideratum 
than  the  efficient  discharge  of  duties.  The  mistress 
must  not  lose  her  temper.  She  must  be  calm,  im- 
perturbable, and  dignified  always.  If  she  gives  an 
order,  she  must  insist,  at  whatever  personal  cost,  that 
it  shall  be  obeyed.  Pertinacity  and  inflexibility  on 
this  point  are  well  bestowed. 

Where  there  are  children,  the  nurse  is,  of  course,  a 
most  important  part  of  the  household,  and  often  gives 

3" 


more  trouble  than  any  of  the  other  servants,  especially 
if  she  happens  to  be  an  elderly  person,  impatient  of 
control,  and  "set  in  her  ways."  The  mistress  must 
make  her  obey  at  once.  Nurses  are  only  human,  and 
can  be  made  to  conform  to  the  rules  by  which  humanity 
is  governed.  The  advent  of  the  trained  nurse  has 
brought  about  a  revolution  in  public  opinion.  People 
of  wealth  often  employ  these  to  care  for  an  infant, 
especially  if  the  child  is  delicate.  A  young  nurse, 
provided  she  has  come  to  years  of  discretion,  is  now 
very  properly  preferred  to  an  old  woman. 

Many  ladies  have  adopted  for  their  nurses  the  French 
style  of  dress  —  dark-stuff  gowns,  white  aprons,  and 
caps.  French  nurses  were  formerly  very  much  the 
fashion,  as  it  was  deemed  all-important  that  children 
should  learn  to  speak  French  as  soon  as  they  could 
articulate.  But  it  was  so  difficult  to  find  a  French 
nurse  who  would  speak  the  truth  that  many  mothers 
have  renounced  the  accomplished  Gaul,  now  that  the 
German  tongue  rivals  the  French  in  popularity. 

No  doubt  there  was  better  service  when  servants 
were  fewer,  and  when  the  mistress  looked  well  after 
the  ways  of  her  household,  and  performed  certain  do- 
mestic duties  herself.  In  those  early  days  it  was  she 
who  made  the  best  pastry  and  sweetmeats.  It  was 
she  who  wrought  at  the  quilting-frame  and  netted  the 
best  bed-curtains.  It  was  she  who  darned  the  table- 
cloth, with  a  neatness  and  exactness  that  made  the 
very  imperfection  a  beauty.  It  was  she  who  made 
the  currant  wine  and  the  blackberry  cordial.  She 


attft  Mortal 


«l"|HiHSHtH$H$HgHgHSH^^ 

knew  all  the  secrets  of  clear  starching,  and  taught  the 
ignorant  how  to  do  their  work  through  her  educated 
intelligence.  She  had,  however,  native  Americans  to 
teach,  and  not  Irish,  Germans,  or  Swedes.  Now,  few 
native-born  Americans  will  become  servants,  and  the 
difficulties  of  the  mistress  are  thereby  increased. 

A  servant  cannot  be  too  carefully  taught  her  duty 
to  visitors.  Having  first  ascertained  whether  her  mis- 
tress is  at  home  or  not,  in  order  to  save  a  lady  the 
trouble  of  alighting  from  her  carriage,  she  should  an- 
swer the  ring  of  the  door-bell  without  loss  of  time; 
male  and  female  servants  should  have  on  hand  a 
small  silver  salver  on  which  to  receive  the  card  of  the 
guest.  They  should  treat  all  callers  with  respect  and 
civility,  but  at  the  same  time  they  should  be  able  to 
discriminate  between  friend  and  foe,  and  not  unwarily 
admit  those  innumerable  cheats,  frauds,  and  beggars 
who,  in  a  respectable  garb,  force  an  entrance  to  one's 
house  for  the  purpose  of  theft,  or  perhaps  to  sell  a  ce- 
ment for  broken  crockery  or  the  last  thing  in  hair-dye. 
Conscientious  servants  who  comprehend  their  duties, 
and  who  try  to  perform  them,  should,  after  a  cer- 
tain course  of  discipline,  be  allowed  to  follow  their 
own  methods  of  working.  Interference  and  fault- 
finding injure  the  temper  of  an  inferior,  while  sus- 
picion is  bad  for  anybody,  and  especially  operates 
against  the  making  of  a  good  servant. 

To  assure  your  servants  that  you  believe  them  to 
be  honest  is  to  fix  in  them  the  habit  of  honesty.  To 
respect  their  rights,  their  hours  of  recreation,  their 


religion,  their  feelings,  to  wish  them  good-night  and 
good-morning  (after  the  pretty  foreign  fashion),  to 
assist  them  in  the  writing  of  their  letters  and  in  the 
proper  investment  of  their  earnings,  to  teach  them  to 
read  and  write  and  make  their  clothes,  so  that  they 
may  be  useful  to  themselves  when  they  leave  servitude 
— all  this  is  the  pleasurable  duty  of  a  good  mistress, 
and  such  a  course  makes  good  servants. 

All  ignorant  natures  seek  a  leader;  all  servants 
like  to  be  commanded  by  a  strong,  honest,  fair,  judi- 
cious mistress.  They  seek  her  praise;  they  fear  her 
censure,  not  as  slaves  dread  the  whip  of  the  tyrant, 
but  as  soldiers  respect  their  superior  officer.  Bad 
temper,  injustice,  and  tyranny  make  eye-service  but 
not  heart-service. 

Irresolute  persons  who  do  not  know  their  own 
minds,  and  cannot  remember  their  own  orders,  make 
very  poor  masters  and  mistresses.  It  is  better  that 
they  should  give  up  the  business  of  housekeeping, 
and  betake  themselves  to  the  living  in  hotels  or  board- 
ing-houses with  which  our  English  cousins  taunt  us. 

Familiarity  with  servants  always  arouses  their  con- 
tempt; a  mistress  can  be  kind  without  being  familiar. 
She  must  remember  that  the  servant  looks  up  to  her. 
The  servant  should  be  taught  her  way  over  the  great 
gulf  of  a  different  condition  of  life  and  habit — over  the 
great  gulf  of  ignorance,  and  that,  in  the  order  of 
nature,  she  should  respect  not  only  the  person  in  au- 
thority, but  the  mistress,  as  superior  to  herself.  This 
salutary  influence  is  thrown  away  if  the  mistress  de- 


and 


<|H|H|HgHgH§HSHiHgH§HS^^ 

scend  to  familiarity  and  intimacy.  Certain  weak  mis- 
tresses vary  their  attitude  towards  their  servants,  first 
assuming  a  familiarity  of  manner  which  is  disgusting, 
and  which  the  servant  does  not  mistake  for  kindness, 
and  then  a  tyrannical  severity  as  unreasonable  as  the 
familiarity,  and,  like  it,  only  a  spasm  of  an  ill-regulated 
mind. 

Servants  should  wear  thin  shoes  in  the  house,  and 
be  told  to  step  lightly,  not  to  slam  doors,  or  drop 
china,  or  to  rattle  forks  and  spoons.  A  quiet  servant 
is  the  most  certain  of  domestic  blessings.  Neatness, 
good  manners,  and  faithfulness  have  often  insured  a 
stupid  servant  of  no  great  efficiency  a  permanent 
home  with  a  family.  If  to  these  qualities  be  added 
a  clear  head,  an  active  body,  and  a  respectful  manner, 
we  have  that  rare  article  —  a  perfect  servant. 


CHAPTER  XL 

MANNERS   OP  THE   PAST 

N  these  days,  amid  what  has  been  strongly 
stated  as  "the  prevailing  mediocrity  of  man- 
ners," a  study  of  the  manners  of  the  past 
would  seem  to  reveal  to  us  the  fact  that  in 
those  days  of  ceremony  a  man  who  was  be- 
set with  shyness  need  then  have  suffered  less 
than  he  would  now  in  these  days  of  impertinence  and 
brass. 

A  man  was  not  then  expected  to  enter  a  room  and 
to  dash  at  once  into  a  lively  conversation.  The  stately 
influence  of  the  minuet  was  upon  him;  he  deliberately 
entered  a  room,  made  a  low  bow,  and  sat  down,  wait- 
ing to  be  spoken  to. 

Indeed,  we  may  go  further  back  and  imagine  our- 
selves at  the  court  of  Louis  XIV.,  when  the  world  was 
broadly  separated  into  the  two  classes — the  noble  and 
the  bourgeois  —  that  world  which  Moliere  divided  in 
his  dramatis  persona  into  the  courtier,  the  provincial 
noble,  and  the  plain  gentleman;  and,  secondly,  into  the 
men  of  law  and  medicine,  the  merchant,  and  the  shop- 
keeper. These  divisions  shall  be  for  a  moment  con- 
sidered. All  these  men  knew  exactly,  from  the  day 


anil  Mortal 


<HgHJHgH$H|H$H$nt..|.,S.fr^ 

when  they  reached  ten  years  of  age,  how  they  were 
expected  to  behave  in  the  sphere  of  life  to  which  they 
were  called.  The  marquis  was  instructed  in  every  art 
of  graceful  behavior,  the  bel  air  was  taught  him  as  we 
teach  our  boys  how  to  dance,  even  more  thoroughly. 
The  grand  seigneur  of  those  days,  the  man  who  would 
not  arrange  the  folds  of  his  own  cravat  with  his  own 
hands,  and  who  exacted  an  observance  as  punctilious 
from  his  valets  as  if  he  were  the  king  himself,  that 
marquis  of  whom  the  great  Moliere  makes  such  fun, 
the  courtier  whom  even  the  grand  monarque  liked  to 
see  ridiculed  —  this  man  had,  nevertheless,  good  man- 
ners. We  see  him  reflected  with  marvellous  fidelity 
in  those  wonderful  comedies  of  the  French  Shake- 
speare; he  is  more  than  the  fashion  of  an  epoch  —  he  is 
one  of  the  eternal  types  of  human  nature.  We  learn 
what  a  man  becomes  whose  business  is  "deportment." 
Even  despicable  as  he  is  in  "Le  Bourgeois  Gentil- 
homme"  —  flattering,  borrowing  money,  cheating  the 
poor  citizen,  and  using  his  rank  as  a  mask  and  excuse 
for  his  vices  —  we  still  read  that  it  was  such  a  one  as 
he  who  took  poor  Moliere  's  cold  hands  in  his  and  put 
them  in  his  muff,  when,  on  the  last  dreadful  day  of  the 
actor's  life  (with  a  liberality  which  does  his  memory 
immortal  honor),  he  strove  to  play,  "that  fifty  poor 
workmen  might  receive  their  daily  pay."  It  was  such 
a  one  as  this  who  was  kind  to  poor  Moliere.  There  was 
in  the  courtiers  a  copy  of  fine  feeling,  even  if  they  had 
it  not.  They  were  polite  and  elegant,  making  the  peo- 
ple about  them  feel  better  for  the  moment,  doing  graoe- 


Manners  of  thr 


ful  acts  courteously,  and  gilding  vice  with  the  polish 
of  perfect  manners.  The  bourgeois,  according  to  Mo- 
Here,  was  as  bad  a  man  as  the  courtier,  but  he  had, 
also,  brutal  manners;  and  as  for  the  magistrates  and 
merchants,  they  were  harsh  and  surly,  and  very  spar- 
ing of  civility.  No  wonder,  when  the  French  Revolu- 
tion came,  that  one  of  the  victims,  regretting  the 
not-yet-forgotten  marquis,  desired  the  return  of  the 
aristocracy;  for,  said  he,  "I  would  rather  be  trampled 
upon  by  a  velvet  slipper  than  a  wooden  shoe." 

It  is  the  best  definition  of  manners  —  "a  velvet  slip- 
per rather  than  a  wooden  shoe."  We  ask  very  little 
of  the  people  whom  we  casually  meet  but  that  the 
salutation  be  pleasant  ;  and  as  we  remember  how  many 
crimes  and  misfortunes  have  arisen  from  sudden  an- 
ger, caused  sometimes  by  pure  breaches  of  good  man- 
ners, we  almost  agree  with  Burke  that  "manners  are 
of  more  importance  than  laws.  Upon  them,  in  a  great 
measure,  the  laws  depend." 

Some  one  calls  politeness  "benevolence  in  trifles, 
the  preference  of  others  to  ourselves  in  little,  daily, 
hourly  occurrences  in  the  business  of  life,  a  better 
place,  a  more  commodious  seat,  priority  in  being 
helped  at  table,"  etc. 

We  do  not  want  all  the  decent  drapery  of  life  torn 
off;  we  do  not  want  to  be  told  that  we  are  full  of  de- 
fects; we  do  not  wish  people  to  show  us  a  latent  an- 
tagonism; and  if  we  have  in  ourselves  the  elements  of 
roughness,  severity  of  judgment,  a  critical  eye  which 
sees  defects  rather  than  virtues,  we  are  bound  to 
21  319 


att&  Mortal 


study  how  to  tone  down  that  native,  disagreeable 
temper  —  just  as  we  are  bound  to  try  to  break  the  icy 
formality  of  a  reserved  manner,  and  to  cultivate  cor- 
diality of  feeling.  Such  a  command  over  the  short- 
comings of  our  own  natures  is  not  insincerity,  as  we 
often  find  that  the  effort  to  make  ourselves  agreeable 
towards  some  one  whom  we  dislike  ends  in  leading  us 
to  like  the  offending  person.  We  find  that  we  have 
really  been  the  offender,  going  about  with  a  moral 
tape-measure  graduated  by  ourselves,  and  measuring 
the  opposite  party  with  a  serene  conceit  which  has 
called  itself  principle  or  honor,  or  some  high-sounding 
name,  while  it  was  really  nothing  but  prejudice. 

We  should  try  to  carry  entertainment  with  us,  and 
to  seem  entertained  with  our  company.  A  friendly 
behavior  often  conciliates  and  pleases  more  than  wit 
or  brilliancy;  and  here  we  come  back  to  those  polished 
manners  of  the  past,  which  were  a  perfect  drapery, 
and  therefore  should  be  studied,  and  perhaps  in  a  de- 
gree copied,  by  those  who  cannot  depend  upon  them- 
selves for  inspirations  of  agreeableness.  Emerson  says 
that  "fashion  is  good  sense  entertaining  company;  it 
hates  corners  and  sharp  points  of  character,  hates 
quarrelsome,  egotistical,  solitary,  and  gloomy  people, 
hates  whatever  can  interfere  with  total  blending  of 
parties,  while  it  values  all  particularities  as  in  the  high- 
est degree  refreshing  which  can  consist  with  good- 
fellowship." 

We  find  that  the  successful  man  of  the  world  has 
studied  the  temper  of  the  finest  sword.  He  can  bend 

320 


fHanttrrs  of  iijr 


easily,  he  is  flexible,  he  is  pliant,  and  yet  he  has  not 
lost  the  bravery  and  the  power  of  his  weapon.  Men 
of  the  bar,  for  instance,  have  been  at  the  trouble  to 
construct  a  system  of  politeness,  in  which  even  an  of- 
fensive self-estimation  takes  on  the  garb  of  humility. 
The  harmony  is  preserved,  a  trial  goes  on  with  an 
appearance  of  mutual  deference  and  respect,  highly, 
most  highly,  commendable,  and  producing  law  and 
order  where  otherwise  we  might  find  strife,  hatred,, 
and  warfare.  Although  this  may  be  a  mimic  humility,, 
although  the  compliments  may  be  judged  insincere,. 
they  are  still  the  shadows  of  the  very  highest  virtues. 
The  man  who  is  guarding  his  speech  is  ruling  his  spirit  ;. 
he  is  keeping  his  temper,  that  furnace  of  all  affliction,, 
and  the  lofty  chambers  of  his  brain  are  cool  and  full 
of  fresh  air. 

A  man  who  is  by  nature  clownish,  and  who  has 
'  what  he  calls  a  "noble  sincerity,"  is  very  apt  to  do 
injustice  to  the  polished  man;  he  should,  however, 
remember  that  '  '  the  manner  of  a  vulgar  man  has  free- 
dom without  ease,  and  that  the  manner  of  a  gentle- 
man has  ease  without  freedom."  A  man  with  an 
obliging,  agreeable  address  may  be  just  as  sincere  as 
if  he  had  the  noble  art  of  treading  on  everybody's 
toes.  The  '  '  putter-down-upon-system  "  man  is  quite  as 
often  urged  by  love  of  display  as  by  a  love  of  truth; 
he  is  ungenerfcus,  combative,  and  ungenial;  he  is  the 
"  bravo  of  society." 

To  some  people  a  fine  manner  is  the  gift  of  nature. 
We  see  a  young  person  enter  a  room,  make  himself 

321 


charming,  go  through  the  transition  period  of  boy  to 
man,  always  graceful,  and  at  man's  estate  aim  to  still 
possess  that  unconscious  and  flattering  grace,  that 
""most  exquisite  taste  of  politeness,"  which  is  a  gift 
from  the  gods.  He  is  exactly  formed  to  please,  this 
lucky  creature,  and  all  this  is  done  for  him  by  nature. 

Carlyle  speaks  of  the  fine  manners  of  his  peasant 
father  (which  he  did  not  seem  to  have  inherited), 
and  he  says:  "I  think  that  they  came  from  his  hav- 
ing, early  in  life,  worked  for  Maxwell,  of  Keir,  a 
Scotch  gentleman  of  great  dignity  and  worth,  who 
gave  to  all  those  under  him  a  fine  impression  of  the 
governing  classes."  Old  Carlyle  had  no  shame  in 
standing  with  his  hat  off  as  his  landlord  passed;  he 
had  no  truckling  spirit  either  of  paying  court  to  those 
whose  lot  in  life  it  was  to  be  his  superiors. 

Those  manners  of  the  past  were  studied;  they  had, 
no  doubt,  much  about  them  which  we  should  now  call 
stiff,  formal,  and  affected,  but  they  were  a  great  help 
to  many  persons. 

Women,  particularly  shy  ones,  feel  the  effect  of 
handsome  clothes  as  a  reinforcement.  "There  is  an 
appui  in  a  good  gown,"  said  Madame  de  Stael.  There- 
fore, the  awkward  and  the  shy,  in  attempting  to  con- 
quer the  manners  of  artificial  society,  should  dress  as 
well  as  possible.  Perhaps  to  their  taste  in  dress  do 
Frenchmen  owe  much  of  their  easy  civility  and  their 
success  in  social  politics;  and  herein  women  are  very 
much  more  fortunate  than  men,  for  they  can  always 
ask,  "Is  it  becoming?"  and  can  add  the  handkerchief, 

322 


of  tlj*  Past 


fan,  muff,  or  mantle  as  a  refuge  for  trembling  hands. 
A  man  has  only  his  pockets;  he  does  not  wish  to  ap- 
pear with  his  hands  in  them. 

Taste  is  said  to  be  the  instantaneous,  ready  appre- 
ciation of  the  fitness  of  things.  To  most  of  us  who* 
may  regret  the  want  of  it  in  ourselves,  it  seems  to  be 
the  instinct  of  the  fortunate  few.  Some  women  look 
as  if  they  had  simply  blossomed  out  of  their  inner 
consciousness  into  a  beautiful  toilette ;  others  are  the 
creatures  of  chance,  and  look  as  if  their  clothes  had 
been  hurled  at  them  by  a  tornado. 

Some  women,  otherwise  good  and  true,  have  a  sort 
of  moral  want  of  taste,  and  wear  too  bright  colors, 
too  many  glass  beads,  too  much  hair,  and  a  combina- 
tion of  discordant  materials  which  causes  the  heart  of 
a  good  dresser  to  ache  with  anguish.  This  want  of 
taste  runs  across  the  character  like  an  intellectual 
bar-sinister,  forcing  us  to  believe  that  their  conclu- 
sions are  anything  but  legitimate.  People  who  say 
innocently  things  which  shock  you,  who  put  the  lis- 
teners at  a  dinner-table  upon  tenter-hooks,  are  either 
wanting  in  taste  or  their  minds  are  confused  with 
shyness. 

A  person  thus  does  great  injustice  to  his  own  moral 
qualities  when  he  permits  himself  to  be  misrepresent- 
ed by  that  disease  of  which  we  speak.  Shyness  per- 
verts the  speech  more  than  vice  even.  But  if  a  man 
or  a  woman  can  look  down  on  a  well-fitting,  becoming 
dress,  it  is  still  a  moral  support.  We  know  how  it 
offends  us  to  see  a  person  in  a  dress  which  is  inappro- 

323 


iHattttprs  anS  Mortal 


3Hg*SHgH$H|H^^ 

priate.  A  chief-justice  in  the  war-paint  and  feathers 
of  an  Indian  chief  would  scarcely  be  listened  to,  even 
if  his  utterances  were  those  of  a  Marshall  or  a  Jay. 

No  doubt,  to  a  person  poor  in  worldly  goods,  yet 
shy,  passionate,  and  proud  by  nature,  the  necessity 
of  wearing  poor  or  unbecoming  clothes  has  sometimes 
been  an  injury  for  life.  He  despised  himself  for  his 
weakness,  but  the  weakness  remained.  When  the 
French  Revolution  came  in  with  its  sans-culottism, 
and  republican  simplicity  found  its  perfect  expression 
in  Thomas  Jefferson,  still,  the  prejudices  of  powdered 
hair  and  stiff  brocades  remained.  They  gradually  dis- 
appeared, and  the  man  of  the  nineteenth  century  lost 
the  advantages  of  becoming  dress,  and  began  anew 
the  battle  of  life  stripped  of  all  his  trappings.  Man- 
ners went  with  these  flowing  accessories,  and  the 
abrupt  speech,  curt  bow,  and  rather  exaggerated  sim- 
plicity of  the  present  day  came  in. 

But  it  is  a  not  unworthy  study  —  these  manners  of 
the  past.  We  are  returning,  at  least  on  the  feminine 
side,  to  a  great  and  magnificent  "princess,"  or  queenly, 
style  of  dress.  It  is  the  fashion  to  make  a  courtesy,  to 
flourish  a  fan,  to  bear  one's  self  with  dignity  when  in 
this  fine  costume.  Cannot  the  elegance,  the  repose, 
and  the  respectfulness  of  the  past  return  also? 


CHAPTER  XLI 


THE    AWKWARD   AND   THE    SHY 

is  a  comfort  to  those  of  us  who  have  felt, 
the  cold  perspiration  start  on  the  brow,  at 
the  prospect  of  entering  an  unaccustomed 
sphere,  to  remember  that  some  of  the  best 
men  and  women  whom  the  world  has  known 
have  been,  in  their  day,  afflicted  with  shy- 
ness. Indeed,  it  is  to  the  past  that  we  must  refer 
when  the  terrible  disease  seizes  us,  when  the  tongue 
becomes  dry  in  the  mouth,  the  hands  tremble,  and 
the  knees  knock  together. 

^C  The  sufferings  of  a  shy  man  would  fill  a  volume.  It 
is  a  nervous  seizure  for  which  no  part  of  his  organiza- 
tion is  to  blame;  he  cannot  reason  it  away,  he  can 
only  crush  it  by  enduring  it.  "To  bear  is  to  conquer 
our  Fate."  Some  men,  finding  the  play  not  worth 
the  candle,  give  up  society  and  the  world;  others  go 
on,  suffer,  and  come  out  cool  veterans  who  fear  no 
social  occasion,  however  overwhelming  it  may  be. 
y  It  is  the  proper  province  of  parents  to  have  their 
children  taught  all  the  accomplishments  of  the  body, 
that  they,  like  the  ancient  Greeks,  may  know  that, 
every  muscle  will  obey  the  brain.  A  shy,  awkward 

325 


4Hatttt?r0  and  Mortal 


boy  should  be  trained  in  dancing,  fencing,  boxing;  he 
should  be  instructed  in  music,  elocution,  and  public 
speaking;  he  should  be  sent  into  society,  whatever  it 
may  cost  him  at  first,  as  certainly  as  he  should  be  sent 
to  the  dentist's.  His  present  sufferings  may  save  him 
from  lifelong  annoyance. 

Nothing  would  be  omitted  by  either  parent  or  child 
to  cure  the  boy  if  he  had  a  twisted  ankle;  so  nothing 
should  be  omitted  that  can  cure  the  twist  of  shyness. 
'  -The  first  refuge  of  the  inexperienced,  bashful  person 
is  often  to  assume  a  manner  of  extreme  hauteur.  This 
is,  perhaps,  a  natural  fence  —  or  defence;  it  is,  indeed, 
a  very  convenient  armor,  and  many  a  woman  has 
fought  her  battle  behind  it  through  life.  No  doubt 
it  is  the  armor  of  the  many  so-called  frigid  persons, 
male  and  female,  who  must  either  suffer  the  pangs  of 
bashfulness  or  affect  a  coldness  which  they  do  not 
feel.  Some  people  are  naturally  encased  in  a  column 
of  ice  which  they  cannot  break,  but  within  is  a  fountain 
which  would  burst  out  at  the  lips  in  words  of  kind- 
liness if  only  the  tongue  could  speak  them.  These 
limitations  of  nature  are  very  strange;  we  cannot  ex- 
plain them. 

The  awkward  and  the  shy  do  not  always  take  refuge 
in  a  cold  manner.  Sometimes  they  study  manner  as 
they  would  the  small-sword  exercise,  and  exploit  it 
with  equal  fervor.  Exaggeration  of  manner  is  quite 
•as  common  a  refuge  for  these  unfortunates  as  the 
other  extreme  of  calmness.  They  render  themselves 
ridiculous  by  the  lowness  of  their  bows  and  the  vivid 

326 


Arokroarfc 


picturesqueness  of  their  speech.  They,  as  it  were, 
burst  the  bounds  of  the  calyx,  and  the  flower  opens 
too  wide.  Symmetry  is  lost,  graceful  outline  is  de- 
stroyed. Many  a  bashful  man,  thinking  of  Tom  Tit- 
mouse, has  become  an  acrobat  in  his  determination 
to  be  lively  and  easy.  He  should  remember  the  happy 
middle  course  recommended  by  Shakespeare  when  he 
says: 

"They  are  as  sick  that  surfeit  with  too  much, 
As  they  that  starve  with  nothing." 

It  is  for  the  well-meaning  but  shy  and  awkward 
people  that  the  manners  of  artificial  society  are  most 
useful. 

For  the  benefit  of  such  persons  we  must  "improve 
a  ceremonial  nicety  into  a  substantial  duty,"  else  we 
shall  see  a  cultivated  scholar  confused  before  a  set  of 
giggling  girls,  and  a  man  who  is  all  wisdom,  valor, 
and  learning,  playing  the  donkey  at  an  evening  party. 
If  he  lack  the  inferior  arts  of  polite  behavior,  who 
will  take  the  trouble  to  discover  a  Sir  Walter  Raleigh 
behind  his  awkwardness? 

A  man  who  is  constrained,  uneasy,  and  ungraceful 
can  spoil  the  happiness  of  a  dozen  people.  Therefore 
he  is  bound  to  create  an  artificial  manner,  if  a  natural 
one  does  not  come  to  him,  remembering  always  that 
"manners  are  shadows  of  virtues." 

The  manners  of  artificial  society  have  this  to  com- 
mend them;  they  meditate  the  greatest  good  to  the 
greatest  number.  We  do  not  like  the  word  "arti- 

327 


Serial 


<t*$H|HgH$H3H$HSH|HgH^^ 

ficial,"  or  to  commend  anything  which  is  supposed 
to  be  the  antipodes  of  the  word  "sincere,"  but  it  is  a 
recipe,  a  doctor's  prescription  that  we  are  recommend- 
ing as  a  cure  for  a  disease.  "Good  manners  are  to 
special  societies  what  good  morals  are  to  society  in 
general  —  their  cement  and  their  security.  True  po- 
liteness creates  perfect  ease  and  freedom;  it  and  its 
essence  is  to  treat  others  as  you  would  have  others 
treat  you."  Therefore,  as  you  know  how  embarrassing 
embarrassment  is  to  everybody  else,  strive  not  to  be 
embarrassed. 

Madame  Re'camier,  the  famous  beauty,  was  always 
somewhat  shy.  She  was  not  a  wit,  but  she  possessed 
the  gift  of  drawing  out  what  was  best  in  others.  Her 
biographers  have  blamed  her  that  she  had  not  a  more 
impressionable  temper,  that  she  was  not  more  sympa- 
thetic. Perhaps  (in  spite  of  her  courage  when  dressed 
as  a  Neo-Greek  she  took  up  contributions  in  the 
churches)  she  was  always  hampered  by  shyness. 
She  certainly  attracted  all  the  best  and  most  gifted 
of  her  time,  and  had  a  noble  fearlessness  in  friend- 
ship, and  a  constancy  which  she  showed  by  following 
Madame  de  Stael  into  exile,  and  in  her  devotion  to 
Ballenche  and  Chateaubriand.  She  had  the  genius  of 
friendship,  a  native  sincerity,  a  certain  reality  of  nat- 
ure —  those  fine  qualities  which  so  often  accompany 
the  shy  that  we  almost,  as  we  read  biography  and  his- 
tory, begin  to  think  that  shyness  is  but  a  veil  for  all 
the  virtues. 

Perhaps  to  this  shyness,  or  to  this  hidden  sympathy, 
328 


ullj?  Amkmarii  att&  tlte 


HgK§HiK^^ 

did  Madame  Re*camier  owe  that  power  over  all  men 
which  survived  her  wonderful  beauty.  The  blind  and 
poor  old  woman  of  the  Abbaye  had  not  lost  her  charm; 
the  most  eminent  men  and  women  of  her  day  followed 
her  there,  and  enjoyed  her  quiet  (not  very  eloquent) 
'conversation.  She  had  a  wholesome  heart;  it  kept  her 
from  folly  when  she  was  young,  from  a  too  over-facile 
sensitiveness  to  which  an  impressionable,  sympathetic 
temperament  would  have  betrayed  her.  Her  firm, 
sweet  nature  was  not  flurried  by  excitement;  she  had 
a  steadfastness  in  her  social  relations  which  has  left 
behind  an  everlasting  renown  to  her  name. 

And  what  are,  after  all,  these  social  relations  which 
call  for  so  much  courage,  and  which  can  create  so 
much  suffering  to  most  of  us  as  we  conquer  for  them 
our  awkwardness  and  our  shyness?  Let  us  pause  for 
a  moment  and  try  to  be  just.  Let  us  contemplate 
these  social  ethics,  which  call  for  so  much  that  is, 
perhaps,  artificial  and  troublesome  and  contradictory. 
Society,  so  long  as  it  is  the  congregation  of  the  good, 
the  witty,  the  bright,  the  intelligent,  and  the  gifted, 
is  the  thing  most  necessary  to  us  all.  We  are  apt  to 
like  it  and  its  excitements  almost  too  well,  or  to  hate 
it,  with  its  excesses  and  its  mistakes,  too  bitterly. 
We  are  rarely  just  to  society. 

'/The  rounded  and  harmonious  and  temperate  under- 
standing and  use  of  society  is,  however,  the  very  end 
and  aim  of  education.  We  are  born  to  live  with  one 
another  and  not  for  ourselves;  if  we  are  cheerful,  our 
cheerfulness  was  given  to  us  to  make  bright  the  lives 

329 


fHanttrra  anft  Mortal 


of  those  about  us;  if  we  have  genius,  that  is  a  sacred 
trust;  if  we  have  beauty,  wit,  joyousness,  it  was  given 
us  for  the  delectation  of  others,  not  for  ourselves;  if 
we  are  awkward  and  shy,  we  are  bound  to  break  the 
crust  and  to  show  that  within  us  is  beauty,  cheerful- 
ness, and  wit.  "It  is  but  the  fool  who  loves  excess." 
The  best  human  being  should  moderately  like  society. 


CHAPTER  XLII 

THE  ETIQUETTE  OP  TOWNS  AND  VILLAGES 

HE  etiquette  of  small  places  must  necessarily 
be  simpler  and  less  formal  than  that  of  large 
cities.  In  a  small  community  the  majority 
of  the  inhabitants  usually  prefer  a  quiet  life, 
and  few  people  have  the  means  to  entertain 
on  an  elaborate  and  lavish  scale,  even  if  they 
desired  to  do  so.  There  is  an  instinctive  feeling  that 
great  display  is  inappropriate  in  the  country,  that  it 
would  not  be  in  good  taste.  Then,  in  a  little  commu- 
nity, people  are  more  dependent  upon  one  another  than 
they  are  in  a  large  town,  hence  there  is  a  stronger 
feeling  of  neighborliness  and  of  mutual  good-will. 

Of  course  there  is  a  reverse  to  the  picture.  It  is 
pleasant  to  have  your  next-door  neighbor  take  an  in- 
terest in  your  proceedings  and  in  those  of  your  family. 
It  is  not  so  agreeable  to  have  her  criticise  freely  what 
she  considers  your  shortcomings,  especially  if  she  cir- 
culates the  tidings  of  these  through  the  town.  Small 
communities  are  sometimes  too  prone  to  gossip,  and 
people  are  more  censorious  than  in  a  large  city,  because 
they  have  less  to  occupy  their  minds.  The  deeds  of 
each  person  have  a  magnified  importance  here.  The 


fBattttprs  anft  Mortal 


*HS*JHgHgHS*§*3H^^ 

city  hostess,  with  a  list  of  several  hundred  acquaint- 
ances and  many  social  engagements,  may  care  very 
little  about  personal  visits.  The  dweller  in  a  small 
town,  with  a  circle  of  forty  or  fifty  friends  and  ac- 
quaintances, will  hold  them  strictly  to  account  in  the 
matter  of  calls,  because  these  are  of  real  interest  and 
pleasure  to  her.  The  etiquette  by  which  she  and  her 
f  ellow-townswomen  are  governed  is  all  the  more  bind- 
ing because  of  its  simplicity. 

It  should  be  said  that  in  small  places,  especially  those 
remote  from  large  cities,  customs  do  not  change  very 
rapidly;  hence  old-fashioned  ways  are  often  adhered 
to  after  they  have  been  laid  aside  in  the  metropolis  and 
its  suburbs.  Old-time  courtesy,  however,  where  it  is 
genuine,  is  as  much  to  be  appreciated  as  handsome  old 
furniture  or  ancestral  silver.  Both  may  be  out  of  date, 
but  they  show  that  good-breeding  and  dignity  of  living 
are  no  new  things  in  the  family  possessing  them. 

In  small  communities  it  is  considered  the  proper 
thing  to  call  soon  upon  a  new-comer  to  the  neighbor- 
hood, even  where  no  previous  acquaintance  has  existed 
—  provided,  always,  that  there  is  not  too  great  a  differ- 
ence in  social  standing  and  mode  of  life.  People  who 
possess  true  refinement  of  feeling  never  wish  to  intrude. 
Common-sense  tells  us  that  we  must  not  make  neigh- 
borliness  an  excuse  for  going  to  see  those  who  move 
in  an  entirely  different  circle  from  our  own.  In  a  case 
where  people  are  in  genuine  doubt,  it  is  best  to  proceed 
tentatively,  the  "leading  citizens"  calling  first,  and 
ascertaining  the  disposition  of  the  new-comers  —  that 

332 


0f  ofamnB  an&  BUlagra 


is  to  say,  finding  out  whether  or  not  they  are  inclined 
to  be  exclusive. 

The  custom  of  sending  wedding-cards  to  all  one's 
acquaintances  is  not  general  in  the  country,  because  it 
is  expensive,  Hence  every  one  in  her  own  circle  and 
in  that  of  the  bridegroom  calls  upon  a  bride,  even  if 
no  cards  have  been  received. 

To  send  cards  through  the  mail  or  to  leave  them  at 
the  door,  without  asking  to  see  the  lady  of  the  house, 
would  not  be  considered  courteous,  and  it  is  well  to 
leave  a  card,  even  if  one  is  admitted.  While  it  is  usual 
to  make  a  longer  call  in  the  country  than  it  is  in  a 
large  city,  one  must  beware  of  trespassing  too  far  on 
the  time  of  busy  people.  Emerson,  who  lived  in  a 
small  town,  declared  that  a  visitor  should  not  remain 
more  than  ten  minutes  when  calling  on  serious  people. 
One  lady  paying  a  formal  call  upon  another  would 
usually  remain  twenty  minutes  or  half  an  hour.  Where 
a  hostess  does  her  own  housework,  a  visitor  should  be 
careful  not  to  call  too  early  in  the  afternoon,  and  not 
to  remain  long  enough  to  interfere  with  the  preparation 
of  the  evening  meal  or  to  delay  the  putting  of  the 
children  to  bed.  There  is  a  good  deal  of  informal  call- 
ing in  the  evening  in  some  rural  neighborhoods. 

In  times  of  sickness  and  affliction,  the  real  kindness 
of  the  country-side  comes  out.  Where  trained  nurses 
are  difficult  to  procure,  or  where  the  expense  of  em- 
ploying them  is  too  great,  neighbors  offer  to  sit  up  with 
the  patient,  or  to  stay  through  the  day  and  relieve 
the  family  by  seeing  those  who  call  to  make  inquiries. 

333 


IHamtrrB  attfr  g>0rtal 


In  the  case  of  death,  all  who  know  the  mourners 
sufficiently  well  call  soon  —  the  more  intimate  coming 
before  the  funeral.  « 

Those  who  would  think  it  more  delicate  merely  to 
send  their  cards  with  a  message  of  sympathy,  or  to 
call  without  any  expectation  of  being  admitted,  in  a 
large  city,  would  ask  to  see  some  member  of  the  family 
in  a.  small  community.  It  is  such  a  terrible  thing  to 
be  isolated  from  human  sympathy,  to  be  left  alone  in 
the  first  overwhelming  days  of  sorrow,  that  neighbors 
feel  that  all  must  take  their  share  in  ministering  to 
those  in  the  shadow  of  a  great  grief.  While  offers  of 
assistance  are  in  order,  great  tact  should  be  exer- 
cised in  not  pressing  one's  services  upon  a  family  in 
the  time  of  bereavement. 

A  kindly  but  officious  neighbor  once  gave  serious 
offence  by  insisting  upon  putting  the  house  in  order 
for  the  funeral  as  soon  as  she  learned  of  the  death  of 
an  acquaintance,  thus  greatly  disturbing  her  widowed 
friend,  who  was  prostrated  with  grief. 

While,  in  rural  communities,  the  mourners  may  be, 
in  the  quaint,  old-fashioned  parlance  still  in  use, 
"Ready  to  receive  consolation  in  affliction,"  no  offence 
should  be  taken  if  they  do  not  wish  to  see  visitors  —  for 
each  person  must  be  allowed  to  bear  the  burden  of  grief 
in  the  way  easiest  to  him. 

Friends  arrange  to  take  turns  in  coming  to  see  a 
solitary  mourner,  in  order  that  she  may  not  be  left 
alone.  They  plan  to  sit  with  her,  or  to  have  her  make 
visits  at  their  houses.  The  old-fashioned  custom  of 

334 


£ttqit?tt?  of  QJomtta 


going  to  funerals  is  still  adhered  to  in  the  country,  and 
it  is  said,  "If  I  don't  go  to  other  people's  funerals,  who 
will  come  to  mine?" 

A  card  thanking  friends  for  their  kind  sympathy, 
flowers,  and  the  like  is  often  put  in  the  local  newspaper 
by  the  bereaved  family.  Or  they  may  follow  the  more 
modern  fashion  of  sending  a  visiting-card  with  a  few 
words  of  thanks  written  on  it,  in  acknowledgment  of 
notes  of  condolence  or  other  expressions  of  sympathy. 
A  card  with  a  black  border  is  used  for  this  purpose  by 
those  who  wear  mourning,  and  it  may  be  sent  at  the 
convenience  of  the  bereaved  person.  There  is  no  fixed 
rule  as  to  time,  since  it  would  be  cruel  to  require  those 
in  deep  sorrow  to  attend  to  such  matters  before  they 
feel  able  to  do  so. 

While  the  young  people  in  our  smaller  communities, 
especially  in  the  West,  are  allowed  a  greater  freedom 
of  intercourse  than  is  usual  in  cities,  this  is  founded 
upon  the  idea  that  the  attentions  of  the  young  man  are 
serious,  and  that  it  is  not  a  case  of  mere  flirting.  Thus, 
in  some  places,  a  young  girl  will  not  go  to  drive  with 
a  young  man  alone,  unless  they  are  on  an  understood 
footing  —  "keeping  company,"  or  "going  together," 
as  tfie  rural  phrase  is.  Their  relations  to  each  other 
would  not  necessarily  be  so  formal  as  an  engagement, 
but  the  drive  would  be  an  indication  that  the  young 
man  was  beginning  to  pay  her  serious  attention.  Thus 
a  girl  would  not  go  driving  with  a  number  of  young 
men  in  turn  —  such  a  proceeding  would  appear  frivolous 
and  would  not  be  well  thought  of.  Nor  would  she  go 

22  335 


anil  Mortal 


<$HSHSHgH$H§HSH3*SH^^ 

with  any  one  of  whose  attentions  her  family  was  igno- 
rant, unless  she  wished  to  attract  unfavorable  criticism. 
She  would  be  careful,  also,  how  she  accepted  the  in- 
vitation of  a  person  from  another  city,  especially  if  he 
belonged  to  a  different  social  circle.  She  would  hardly 
go  to  drive  alone  with  such  a  man  unless  he  were  the 
guest  of  her  family  or  other  relatives. 

It  must  be  confessed  that  the  automobile  is  changing 
manners  and  customs  everywhere  in  our  cities,  where 
young  girls  go  out  for  a  spin  in  the  machine  with 
men  friends  and  without  chaperons  or  older  friends. 
Young  people  go  skating  together  in  the  country;  in- 
deed, an  escort  is  a  necessary  protection  on  ponds  or 
rivers  where  rough  boys  and  men  are  to  be  met  with. 

In  many  small  communities  public  opinion  con- 
siders it  proper  for  young  people  to  dispense  with  a 
chaperon  on  many  occasions  where  her  presence 
might  be  thought  necessary  in  a  large  city.  For 
school-boys  and  girls,  the  teacher  is  often  called  upon 
to  fill  this  office.  No  matter  how  young  she  may  be, 
her  position  gives  her  dignity  in  the  eyes  of  the  pu- 
pils, and  she  is  asked  to  matronize  many  high  -  school 
frolics  —  such  as  straw-rides,  picnics,  and  dances  at  the 
school-house.  A  teacher  who  thus  acts  as  chaperon 
has  a  difficult  task.  She  must  not  spoil  the  fun  of  the 
occasion  by  undue  severity,  yet  she  must  be  ready  to 
check  the  gayety  of  the  merry  boys  and  girls  if  it 
threatens  to  become  too  boisterous. 

At  some  country  colleges  a  pleasant  custom  exists 
whereby  ladies  from  a  distance  are  enabled  to  attend 

336 


0f  ®0tun0  and 


certain  gala  occasions.  A  "Fraternity"  invites  girls 
to  a  dance,  gets  one  or  more  chaperons,  and  gives  up 
the  club-house  to  the  ladies,  who  stay  there  one  or  two 
nights,  and  have  a  great  good  time,  squired  about  by 
the  lads.  Each  young  man  asks  a  girl,  meets  her  at 
the  station  (if  she  comes  from  another  town)  ,  and  takes 
her  to  the  club-house  where  the  chaperon  is  already 
established.  The  latter  must,  of  course,  be  a  married 
lady,  or  a  single  one  who  is  much  older  than  her  young 
charges. 

In  villages  and  towns  where  theatrical  performances 
and  other  shows  take  place  at  rare  intervals,  families 
are  apt  to  go  in  a  solid  body  to  the  theatre,  the  elders 
enjoying  the  play  as  much  as  the  younger  generation. 
The  young  man  who  is  paying  attention  to  the  daughter 
would  probably  make  one  of  the  family  party. 

The  evening  is  the  favorite  time  for  weddings  in  small 
places,  because  that  is  the  only  time  when  most  people 
are  at  leisure.  It  is  said  that  a  country  bridegroom 
gets  a  frock-coat  if  he  can  possibly  manage  to  do  so. 
If  he  cannot,  he  will  content  himself  with  wearing  his 
"Sunday  black." 

The  question  is  sometimes  asked,  "Should  the  family 
of  the  bride  entertain  that  of  the  bridegroom,  where 
the  latter  lives  at  a  distance?"  In  the  country  they 
would  certainly  make  every  effort  to  do  so,  with  the 
assistance  of  friends  and  near  neighbors.  The  parents 
of  the  bride  usually  ask  some  members  of  the  groom's 
immediate  family  to  stay  with  them,  circumstances  per- 
mitting, other  relatives  or  friends  of  the  bride  enter- 

337 


anft 


.gHgHJHgHSHfHJHSHiHS^^ 

taining  the  other  members.  When  this  cannot  be  done  , 
the  bride's  family  should  engage  rooms  at  the  country 
hotel  or  at  a  boarding-house  or  private  residence,  and 
should  see  that  comfortable  and  pleasant  quarters  are 
provided  for  the  bridegroom's  relatives  and  intimate 
friends.  Whether  the  bride's  family  will  pay  for  these 
rooms  will  depend  upon  circumstances.  If  they  have 
invited  the  groom's  father  and  mother,  for  instance, 
to  come  as  their  guests,  then  of  course  they  would  pay 
the  bills.  Otherwise  it  is  not  necessary  for  them  to  do 
so,  and  people  of  moderate  means  should  not  be  ex- 
pected to  go  to  the  expense. 

It  is  usual  at  an  out-of-town  wedding  for  the  bride's 
family  to  provide  equipages  to  bring  guests  from  the 
train  or  boat  to  the  church  or  house,  unless  the  dis- 
tance is  very  short  and  the  weather  fine.  It  is  by  no 
means  necessary,  however,  that  only  the  regulation 
city  hacks  should  be  used.  A  certain  informality  is  a 
part  of  the  pleasure  of  a  country  wedding.  Omnibuses, 
barges,  neighbors'  carriages,  all  kinds  of  conveyances 
may  be  seen  on  such  an  occasion,  and  friends  from  the 
city  find  it  much  more  amusing  to  ride  in  these  than 
in  a  close,  stuffy  hack  from  a  country  stable. 

Young  people  living  in  a  large  city,  at  a  distance  from 
their  country  home  and  all  that  they  hold  near  and 
dear,  are  sometimes  a  little  puzzled  as  to  the  arrange- 
ments for  their  marriage.  The  bachelor  maid  dwells 
perhaps  in  a  boarding-house  or  an  apartment  where  it 
would  not  be  convenient  to  have  the  ceremony  take 
place,  and  yet  she  dislikes  the  idea  of  a  church  wedding, 

338 


gttqugltg  of  gnmns  anft 


<|H|H^^ 

since  her  few  city  friends  would  seem  lost  in  the  great 
edifice.  She  knows,  too,  that  to  open,  heat,  and  light  a 
church  in  the  evening  involves  some  expense,  which 
would  fall  upon  the  bridegroom  where  the  bride's 
parents  are  either  dead  or  living  at  a  distance. 

For  cases  like  these  the  clergyman's  house  is  a  haven 
of  refuge.  Perhaps  neither  the  bride  nor  her  intended 
is  regularly  connected  with  any  denomination,  yet  it 
is  to  be  hoped  that  she  at  least  goes  to  church  sometimes, 
and  that  there  is  some  pastor  whom  she  would  especially 
like  to  have  perform  the  marriage  ceremony. 

The  young  couple  should  call  together  upon  the 
clergyman  some  little  time  beforehand,  in  order  to 
request  his  services,  to  consult  him  about  the  necessary 
arrangements,  and  to  choose  a  day  that  will  be  con- 
venient for  all.  In  churches  where  there  is  a  ritual, 
they  should  familiarize  themselves  with  the  text,  in 
order  to  avoid  errors  in  making  the  responses. 

For  such  a  wedding  the  bride  should  wear  street 
costume  with  a  hat.  Two  persons  should  accom- 
pany the  young  people  to  act  as  witnesses,  and  a 
few  other  friends  may  be  included  in  the  wedding- 
party.  There  should  not  be  so  many,  however,  as  to 
crowd  the  clergyman's  parlor  —  not  more  than  ten,  in 
ordinary  cases.  The  witnesses  remain  to  sign  the 
register  at  the  conclusion  of  the  ceremony.  One  of 
them  usually  acts  as  best  man,  and  it  is  a  part  of  his 
duty  to  hand  the  fee  to  the  minister  as  the  latter  is 
leaving  the  room.  The  old  idea  of  the  wedding-fee  is 
twofold.  It  was  held  that  a  man  should  give  some- 

339 


i$tantt?rs  attfc  Mortal 


thing  to  the  church  at  the  time  of  his  happiness,  and 
also  that  he  should  be  willing  to  pay  something  to  pro- 
cure this.  Kissing  is  thought  to  be  in  bad  taste  on 
such  an  occasion.  It  should  not,  in  any  event,  be  in- 
dulged in  until  the  minister  has  left  the  room. 

At  the  conclusion  of  the  ceremony  there  is  often  a 
little  treat  of  some  sort  —  supper  at  a  friend's  house  or  at 
a  restaurant  or  a  visit  to  the  theatre.  The  bridegroom 
who  privately  asked  the  minister  beforehand  to  be 
quick  with  the  ceremony,  as  he  did  not  wish  to  be  late 
at  the  play,  was  a  sad  illustration  of  the  light  and 
thoughtless  way  in  which  young  people  of  the  present 
day  too  often  treat  what  should  be  a  solemn  and 
sacred  institution,  the  celebration  of  the  marriage  cer- 
emony. 

Persons  who  come  from  a  large  city  to  stay  in  a  quiet 
country  town  sometimes  make  themselves  obnoxious 
to  the  inhabitants  by  ignoring  local  public  opinion, 
and  by  showing  that  they  despise  it.  This  is  neither 
well-bred  nor  wise.  "When  you  are  in  Rome  do  as 
the  Romans  do,"  where  no  moral  principle  is  involved, 
at  least.  One  should  not  be  too  eager  to  copy  other 
people's  ways,  since  this  would  be  undignified  or  even 
servile.  Yet  one  should  respect  their  opinions  and  not 
give  offence  wantonly. 

In  a  prohibition  town,  for  instance,  it  would  be  in 
very  bad  taste  to  offer  wine  at  any  general  entertain- 
ment to  which  the  towns-people  were  invited.  If,  on 
the  other  hand,  a  person  of  strict  temperance  prin- 
ciples is  present  at  a  dinner  where  there  is  wine,  she 

340 


tttquHt*  of  SntttnB  anb  HUIaggg 

<SHfr3HS"*"§H|H|H|HSH^^ 

should  refuse  it  quietly  and  say  nothing  about  the 
matter. 

In  this  connection  it  may  be  added  that  the  best 
breeding  and  the  truest  courtesy  are  shown  in  a  most 
careful  consideration  for  the  feelings  of  others.  If  a 
foreign  word  or  name  is  mispronounced  by  another 
person,  if  possible  avoid  using  the  word  immediately. 
If  you  must  use  it  it  would  be  better  to  mispronounce 
it  than  to  hurt  another's  feelings  by  calling  attention 
to  the  mistake.  Many  a  hostess  has  used  her  fork 
or  spoon  for  the  wrong  dish,  or  otherwise  seemed  to 
make  a  mistake,  in  order  to  put  at  ease  an  awkward 
guest. 

The  wise  woman  will  also  try  to  avoid  wearing  a  style 
of  dress  that  would  be  out  of  keeping  with  the  clothes 
of  her  companions.  If  she  is  in  the  habit  of  wearing 
a  de'collete'  gown  in  the  evening,  she  will  hesitate  to 
appear  in  this  when  asked  to  a  late  dinner  or  a  supper 
party  in  a  village,  unless  she  has  first  ascertained  that 
the  custom  of  the  place,  or  of  the  house  where  she  is 
entertained,  permits  it.  In  the  warm  climate  of  our 
Southern  States,  low-necked  gowns  are  more  generally 
worn  in  small  towns  than  at  the  North.  In  small  New 
England  towns  of  a  quiet  sort  they  would  not  be  seen 
on  older  ladies,  young  girls,  sometimes  wearing  de'- 
collete' frocks  at  a  dance,  but  hardly  elsewhere. 


CHAPTER  XLIII 

ENGLISH   SOCIAL   USAGES 

N  no  respect  can  American  and  English  eti- 
quette be  contrasted  more  fully  than  in  the 
matter  of  the  every-day  dinner,  which  in 
America  finds  a  lady  in  a  plain  silk  dress, 
high-necked  and  long-sleeved,  but  at  which 
the  English  lady  always  appears  in  a  semi- 
grand  toilette,  with  corsage  open  in  the  neck  and  el- 
bow sleeves,  if  not  in  low-necked,  full-dress  attire; 
while  her  daughters  are  uniformly  sleeveless,  and  gen- 
erally in  white  dresses,  often  low-necked,  in  the  depth  of 
winter.  At  dinner  all  the  men  are  in  evening  dress, 
even  if  there  is  no  one  present  at  the  time  but  the 
family.  This  is  obligatory  in  a  well-bred  family.  No 
man  should  fail  in  it.  He  may  on  Sunday  evening,  by 
the  common  consent  of  society,  dine  in  his  frock-coat 
and  gray  trousers,  or  in  the  comfortable  garment  called 
a  smoker,  but  his  toilet  should  receive  care.  It  is 
becoming  more  and  more  the  custom,  in  our  large 
cities,  for  men  to  wear  evening  dress,  formal  or  in- 
formal, every  evening,  and  many  women  in  fashionable 
circles  follow  the  English  fashion  of  wearing  a  low- 
necked  dress  at  dinner.  This,  however,  is  not  so  much 

342 


Mortal 


a  matter  of  locality  as  of  the  preference  of  individual 
families. 

The  dinner  is  not  so  good  in  England  as  the  ordinary 
American  dinner,  except  in  the  matter  of  fish,  which 
is  universally  very  fine.  The  vegetables  are  few  and 
poor,  and  the  "sweets,"  as  they  call  dessert,  are  very 
bad.  A  gooseberry  tart  is  all  that  is  offered  to  one 
at  an  ordinary  dinner,  although  fine  strawberries  and 
a  pineapple  are  often  brought  in  afterwards.  The  din- 
ner is  always  served  with  much  state,  and  afterwards 
the  ladies  all  combine  to  amuse  the  guests  by  their 
talents.  There  is  no  false  shame  in  England  about 
singing  and  playing  the  piano.  Even  poor  performers 
do  their  best,  and  contribute  to  the  pleasure  of  the 
company.  At  the  table  people  do  not  talk  much,  nor 
do  they  gesticulate  as  Americans  do.  They  eat  very 
quietly,  and  speak  in  low  tones.  No  matters  of  family 
history  or  religion  or  political  differences  are  discussed 
before  the  servants.  Talking  with  the  mouth  full  is 
considered  an  unpardonable  vulgarity.  All  small  pref- 
erences for  any  particular  dish  are  kept  in  the  back- 
ground. No  hostess  ever  apologizes,  or  appears  to 
hear  or  see  anything  disagreeable.  If  the  omelette 
souffle"  is  a  failure,  she  does  not  observe  it;  the  servant 
offers  and  withdraws  it,  nor  is  any  one  disturbed 
thereby.  As  soon  as  one  is  helped  he  must  begin  to 
eat,  not  waiting  for  any  one  else.  If  the  viand  is  too 
hot  or  too  cold,  or  is  not  what  the  visitor  likes,  he 
pretends  to  eat  it,  playing  with  knife  and  fork. 

No  guest  ever  passes  a  plate  or  helps  to  anything; 

343 


attft  Mortal 


$HgH|H|H|H|HgHSH|H§H^^ 

the  servant  does  all  that.  Soup  is  taken  from  the  side 
of  the  spoon  noiselessly.  Soup  and  fish  are  not  par- 
taken of  a  second  time.  If  there  is  a  joint,  and  the 
master  carves,  it  is  proper,  however,  to  ask  for  a  sec- 
ond cut.  Bread  is  passed  by  the  servants,  and  must 
be  broken,  not  cut,  afterwards.  It  is  considered  bad 
form  to  be  undecided  as  to  whether  you  will  take  one 
dish  or  another;  decide  quickly.  In  refusing  wine,  sim- 
ply say,  "Thanks";  the  servant  knows  then  that  you 
do  not  take  any. 

The  servants  retire  after  handing  the  dessert,  and  a 
few  minutes'  free  conversation  is  allowed.  Then  the 
lady  of  the  house  gives  the  signal  for  rising.  Toasts 
and  taking  wine  with  people  are  entirely  out  of  fash- 
ion; nor  do  the  gentlemen  remain  long  in  the  dining- 
room  after  the  ladies  leave  the  table.  In  this  men  are 
rapidly  growing  more  civilized. 

At  very  few  houses  belonging  to  the  nobility  does  one 
see  so  elegant  a  table  and  such  a  profusion  of  flowers 
as  at  every  millionaire's  table  in  New  York;  but  one 
does  see  superb  old  family  silver  and  the  most  beauti- 
ful table  linen  even  at  a  very  plain  abode.  The  table 
is  almost  uniformly  lighted  with  wax-candles.  Black 
coffee  is  served  immediately  after  dinner,  in  the  draw- 
ing-room to  the  ladies,  in  the  dining-room  to  the  gen- 
tlemen, who  are  in  the  mean  time  smoking  cigarettes. 

Tea  is  served  in  English  country  houses  four  or  five 
times  a  day.  It  is  always  brought  to  your  bedside  be- 
fore you  rise;  it  is  poured  at  breakfast;  it  is  a  neces- 
sary of  life  at  five  o'clock.  Probably  the  cold,  damp 

344 


climate  has  much  to  do  with  this;  and  the  tea  is 
never  very  strong,  but  is  excellent,  being  always  fresh- 
ly drawn,  not  steeped,  and  most  refreshing. 

Servants  make  the  round  of  the  table  in  pairs,  offer- 
ing the  condiments,  the  sauces,  the  vegetables,  and 
the  wines.  The  common-sense  of  the  English  nation 
breaks  out  in  their  dinners.  Nothing  is  offered  out 
of  season.  To  make  too  great  a  display  of  wealth  is 
considered  bourgeois  and  vulgar  to  a  degree.  A  choice 
but  not  oversumptuous  dinner  meets  you  in  the  best 
houses.  But  to  sit  down  to  the  plainest  dinners,  as  we 
do,  in  plain  clothes,  would  never  be  permitted.  Even 
ladies  in  deep  mourning  are  expected  to  make  some 
slight  change  at  dinner. 

Iced  drinks  are  never  offered  in  England,  nor  in 
truth  are  they  needed. 

In  England  no  one  speaks  of  "sherry  wine,"  "port 
wine,"  "champagne  wine";  he  always  says  "sherry," 
"port,"  "champagne,"  etc.  But  in  France  one  always 
says  "vin  de  Champagne,"  "vin  de  Bordeaux,"  etc.  It 
goes  to  show  that  what  is  proper  in  one  country  is 
vulgar  in  another. 

It  is  still  considered  proper  for  the  man  of  the  house 
to  know  how  to  carve,  and  at  breakfast  and  lunch  the 
gentlemen  present  always  cut  the  cold  beef,  the  fowl, 
the  pressed  veal,  and  the  tongue.  At  a  country-house 
dinner  the  lady  often  helps  the  soup  herself.  Even 
at  very  quiet  dinners  a  menu  is  written  out  by  the 
hostess  and  placed  at  each  plate.  The  ceremony  of 
the  "first  lady"  being  taken  in  first  and  allowed  to  go 

345 


anb  Mortal 


out  first  is  always  observed  at  even  a  family  dinner. 
No  one  apologizes  for  any  accident,  such  as  overturn- 
ing a  glass  of  claret,  or  dropping  a  spoon,  or  even 
breaking  a  glass.  It  is  passed  over  in  silence. 

No  English  lady  ever  reproves  her  servants  at  table, 
nor  even  before  her  husband  and  children.  Her  duty 
at  table  is  to  appear  serene  and  unruffled.  She  puts 
her  guests  at  their  ease  by  appearing  at  ease  herself. 
In  this  respect  English  hostesses  are  far  ahead  of 
American  ones. 

In  the  matter  of  public  holidays  and  of  their  amuse- 
ments the  English  people  behave  very  unlike  Ameri- 
can people.  If  there  is  a  week  of  holidays,  as  at  Whit- 
suntide, all  the  laboring  classes  go  out  of  town  and 
spend  the  day  in  the  parks,  the  woods,  or  the  country. 

At  Whitsuntide  the  shop-girls  of  London  —  a  hard- 
worked  class  —  go  down  to  Epping  Forest,  or  to  Hamp- 
ton Court,  or  to  Windsor,  with  their  basket  of  lunch, 
and  everywhere  one  sees  the  sign,  "Hot  Water  for 
Tea,"  which  means  that  they  go  into  the  humble  inn 
and  pay  a  penny  for  the  use  of  the  teapot  and  cup 
and  the  hot  water,  bringing  their  own  tea  and  sugar. 
The  economy  which  is  a  part  of  every  Englishman's 
religion  could  well  be  copied  in  America.  Even  a 
duchess  tries  to  save  money,  saying  wisely  that  it  is 
better  to  give  it  away  in  charity  than  to  waste  it. 

An  unpleasant  feature  of  English  life  is,  however, 
the  open  palm,  every  one  being  willing  to  take  a  fee, 
from  a  penny  up  to  a  shilling,  for  the  smallest  service. 
The  etiquette  of  giving  has  to  be  learned.  A  shilling 

346 


Mortal 


Jrtt&frfrfr^^ 

is,  however,  as  good  as  a  guinea  for  ordinary  use;  no 
one  but  an  American  gives  more. 

The  carriage  etiquette  differs  from  ours,  as  the  gen- 
tleman of  the  family  rides  beside  his  wife,  allowing 
his  daughters  to  ride  backward.  However,  no  gen- 
tleman sits  beside  a  lady  in  driving  unless  he  is  her 
husband,  father,  son,  or  brother.  Not  even  an  affianced 
lover  is  permitted  this  seat. 

It  must  be  confessed  that  the  groups  in  Hyde  Park 
and  in  Rotten  Row  and  about  the  Serpentine  have  a 
solemn  look,  the  people  in  the  carriages  rarely  chat- 
ting, but  sitting  up  in  state  to  be  looked  at,  the  peo- 
ple in  chairs  gravely  staring  at  the  others.  None  but 
the  people  on  horseback  seem  at  their  ease;  they  chat 
as  they  ride,  and,  all  faultlessly  caparisoned  as  they 
are,  with  well-groomed  horses,  and  servants  behind, 
they  seem  gay  and  jolly.  In  America  it  is  the  eques- 
trian who  often  looks  preoccupied  and  solemn,  and 
as  if  the  horse  were  quite  enough  to  manage.  The 
footmen  are  generally  powdered  and  very  neatly 
dressed  in  livery,  but  the  coachmen  are  not  so  elabo- 
rately dressed-up  as  formerly.  Occasionally  one  sees 
a  very  grand  fat  old  coachman  in  wig  and  knee- 
breeches,  but  Jeames  Yellowplush  is  becoming  a  thing 
of  the  past  even  in  London. 

A  lady  does  not  walk  alone  in  the  Park.  She  may 
walk  alone  to  church,  or  to  do  her  shopping,  but  even 
that  is  not  common.  She  had  better  take  a  hansom, 
it  now  being  proper  for  ladies  to  go  out  to  dinner 
alone  in  full  dress  in  one  of  these  singularly  open  and 

347 


IHamura  anft  Mortal 


<JH|HgH|H|H|HJHH|HH^ 

exposed-looking  carriages.  It  is  not  an  uncommon 
sight  to  see  a  lady  in  a  diamond  tiara  in  a  London 
hansom  by  the  blazing  light  of  a  summer  sun  if  she 
is  going  out  to  dinner,  for  the  afternoon  sun  shines 
until  eight  o'clock  in  England.  Thus  what  we  should 
shun  as  a  very  public  thing  the  reserved  Englishwom- 
an does  in  crowded  London,  and  regards  it  as  proper, 
while  she  smiles  if  she  sees  an  American  lady  alone  in 
a  victoria  in  Hyde  Park,  and  would  consider  her  a 
very  improper  person  if  she  asked  a  gentleman  to 
drive  out  with  her  —  as  we  do  in  our  Park  every  day 
of  our  lives  —  in  an  open  carriage.  Truly  etiquette  is 
a  curious  and  arbitrary  thing,  and  differs  in  every 
country. 

In  France,  where  they  consider  English  people  fright- 
fully gauche,  all  this  etiquette  is  reversed,  and  is  very 
much  more  like  ours  in  America.  A  Frenchman  al- 
ways takes  off  his  hat  on  entering  or  leaving  a  rail- 
way carriage  if  ladies  are  in  it.  An  Englishman  never 
takes  his  hat  off  unless  the  Queen  or  the  Princess  of 
Wales  is  passing,  or  he  meets  an  acquaintance.  He 
sits  with  it  on  in  the  House  of  Commons,  in  the  read- 
ing-room of  a  hotel,  at  his  club,  where  it  is  his  privilege 
to  sulk;  but  in  his  own  house  he  is  the  most  charming 
of  hosts.  The  rudest  and  almost  the  most  unkind 
persons  in  the  world,  if  you  meet  them  without  a  letter 
or  an  introduction  in  a  public  place,  the  English  be- 
come in  their  own  houses  the  most  gentle,  lovely,  and 
polite  of  all  people.  If  the  ladies  meet  in  a  friend's 
parlor,  there  is  none  of  that  snobbish  rudeness  which 

348 


is  the  fashion  in  America,  where  one  lady  treats  an- 
other as  if  she  were  afraid  of  contamination,  and  will 
not  speak  to  her.  The  lady-in-waiting  to  Queen 
Alexandra,  the  duchess,  is  not  afraid  of  her  nobility; 
her  friend's  roof  is  an  introduction;  she  speaks. 

There  is  a  great  sense  of  the  value  of  a  note.  If  a 
lady  writes  a  pretty  note  expressing  thanks  for  civili- 
ties offered  to  her,  all  the  family  call  on  her  and  thank 
her  for  her  politeness.  It  is  to  be  feared  that  in  this 
latter  piece  of  good-breeding  we  are  behind  our  Eng- 
lish cousins.  The  English  call  immediately  after  a 
party,  an  invitation,  or  a  letter  of  introduction.  An 
elegant  and  easy  epistolary  style  is  of  great  use  in 
England;  and,  indeed,  a  lady  is  expected  even  to  write 
to  an  artist  asking  permission  to  call  and  see  his  pict- 
ures— a  thing  rarely  thought  of  in  America. 


CHAPTER  XLIV 

HOW   TO   TREAT   THE    ENGLISH 

HE  highest  lady  in  the  realm,  the  Queen  of 
England,  is  always  addressed  by  the  ladies 
and  gentlemen  of  her  household,  and  by  all 
memDers  °f  the  aristocracy  and  gentry,  as 
"Ma'am,"  not  "Madam,"  or  "Your  Maj- 
esty,"  but  simply,  "Yes,  ma'am,"  "No, 
ma'am."  All  classes  not  coming  within  the  category 
of  gentry,  such  as  the  lower  professional  classes,  the 
middle  classes,  the  lower  middle  classes,  the  lower 
classes  (servants),  would  address  her  as  "Your  Maj- 
esty," and  not  as  "Ma'am."  King  Edward  VII.  is 
addressed  as  "Sir"  by  the  aristocracy  and  gentry, 
and  never  as  "Your  Majesty"  by  either  of  these  classes, 
but  by  all  other  people  he  is  addressed  as  "Your  Maj- 
esty." 

The  Prince  of  Wales  is  addressed  as  "Sir"  by  the 
upper  classes,  but  as  "Your  Royal  Highness"  by  the 
middle  and  lower  classes,  and  by  all  persons  not  com- 
ing within  the  category  of  gentry;  and  by  gentry, 
English  people  mean  not  only  the  landed  gentry,  but 
all  persons  belonging  to  the  army  and  navy,  the  clergy, 
the  bar,  the  medical  and  other  professions,  the  aris- 

350 


to 


jgHSHgHSHSHgHgHSKJHJH^^ 

tocracy  of  art,  the  aristocracy  of  wealth,  merchant 
princes,  and  the  leading  City  merchants  and  bankers. 
The  Princess  of  Wales  and  all  the  princesses  of  the 
blood  royal  are  addressed  as  "Ma'am"  by  the  aris- 
tocracy and  gentry,  but  as  "Your  Royal  Highness"" 
by  all  other  classes. 

A  foreign  prince  is  addressed  as  "Prince"  and  "Sir" 
by  the  aristocracy  and  gentry,  and  as  "Your  Serene 
Highness"  by  all  other  classes;  and  a  foreign  princess 
would  be  addressed  as  "Princess"  by  the  aristocracy, 
or  "Your  Serene  Highness"  by  the  lower  grades,  but 
never  as  "Ma'am." 

An  English  duke  is  addressed  as  "Duke"  by  the 
aristocracy  and  gentry,  and  never  as  "Your  Grace" 
by  the  members  of  either  of  these  classes;  but  all  other 
classes  address  him  as  "Your  Grace."  A  marquis  is 
sometimes  conversationally  addressed  by  the  upper 
classes  as  "Markis,"  but  generally  as  "Lord  A  -  ," 
and  a  marchioness  as  "Lady  B  -  ";  all  other  classes 
would  address  them  as  "Marquis"  or  "Marchioness." 
The  same  remark  holds  good  as  to  earls,  countesses, 
barons,  baronesses  —  all  are  "Lord  B  -  "  or  "Lady 
B  -  ." 

But  Americans,  who  are  always,  if  presented  at. 
court,  entitled  to  be  considered  as  aristocracy  and 
gentry,  and  as  such  are  always  received,  must  observe 
that  English  people  do  not  use  titles  often  even  in 
speaking  to  a  duke.  It  is  only  an  ignorant  person 
who  garnishes  his  conversation  with  these  titles.  Let 
the  conversation  with  Lord  B  -  flow  on  without  say- 
23  351 


attfr  burial 


'«g*§H8HSHSH3H|H»^^ 

ing  "My  lord"  or  "Lord  B  -  "  more  frequently  than 
is  absolutely  necessary.  One  very  ignorant  American 
in  London  was  laughed  at  for  saying,  "That  isn't  so, 
lord,"  to  a  nobleman.  He  should  have  said,  "That 
isn't  so,  I  think,"  or,  "That  isn't  so,  Lord  B  -  ,"  or 
"my  lord." 

The  daughters  of  dukes,  marquises,  and  earls  are 
addressed  as  "Lady  Mary,"  "Lady  Gwendoline,"  etc. 
This  must  never  be  forgotten;  and  the  younger  sons 
.of  dukes  and  marquises  are  called  "Lord  John  B  -  ," 
"Lord  Frederic  Hamilton,"  or  "Lord  Henry  Gray," 
etc.  The  wife  of  the  younger  son  should  always  be 
addressed  by  both  the  Christian  and  surname  of  her 
husband  by  those  slightly  acquainted  with  her,  and 
by  her  husband's  Christian  name  only  by  her  intimate 
friends.  Thus  those  who  know  Lady  Henry  Gray  well 
address  her  as  "Lady  Henry."  The  younger  sons  of 
earls,  viscounts,  and  barons  bear  the  courtesy  title  of 
"Honorable,"  as  do  the  female  members  of  the  family; 
but  this  is  never  used  colloquially  under  any  circum- 
stances, although  always  in  addressing  a  letter  to  them. 

Baronets  are  addressed  by  their  full  title  and  sur- 
name, as  "Sir  Stafford  Northcote,"  etc.,  by  persons  of 
the  lower  classes,  and  by  their  titles  with  their  Chris- 
tian names  by  all  the  higher  classes.  Baronets'  wives 
are  addressed  as  "Lady  B  -  "  or  "Lady  C  -  ." 
They  should  not  be  addressed  as  "Lady  Thomas 
B  -  ";  that  would  be  to  give  them  the  rank  of  the 
wife  of  a  younger  son  of  a  duke  or  marquis,  instead 
of  that  of  a  baronet's  wife  only. 

352 


ifom  la  (Hrral  tfrg 


In  addressing  foreigners  of  rank  colloquially  the  re- 
ceived rule  is  to  address  them  by  their  individual  titles 
without  the  addition  of  the  surname.  In  case  of  a 
prince  being  a  younger  son  he  is  addressed  as  *  '  Prince 
Henry,"  or  whatever  his  Christian  name  may  be.  The 
sons  of  the  reigning  monarchs  are  addressed  as  "Your 
Imperial  Highness."  A  foreign  nobleman  is  addressed 
as  "Monsieur  le  Due,"  "Monsieur  le  Comte,"  "Mon- 
sieur le  Baron,"  etc.;  but  if  there  is  no  prefix  of  "de," 
the  individual  is  addressed  as  "Baron  Rothschild, 
"Count  Hohenthal,"  etc. 

While  it  is  proper  on  the  Continent  to  address  an 
unmarried  woman  as  mademoiselle,  without  the  sur- 
name, in  England  it  would  be  considered  very  vulgar. 
"Miss"  must  be  followed  by  the  surname.  The  wives 
of  archbishops,  bishops,  and  deans  are  simply  Mrs. 
A  -  ,  Mrs.  B  -  ,  etc.,  while  the  archbishop  and 
bishop  are  always  addressed  as  "Your  Grace"  and  as 
"My  lord,"  their  wives  deriving  no  precedence  and 
no  title  from  their  husbands'  ecclesiastical  rank.  It  is 
the  same  with  military  personages. 

Peeresses  invariably  address  their  husbands  by  their 
title  ;  thus  the  Duchess  of  Sutherland  calls  her  husband 
"Sutherland,"  etc.  Baronets'  wives  call  their  hus- 
bands "Sir  John"  or  "Sir  George,"  etc. 

The  order  of  precedence  in  England  is  strictly  ad- 
hered to,  and  English  matrons  declare  that  it  is  the 
greatest  convenience,  as  it  saves  them  all  the  trouble 
of  choosing  who  shall  go  in  first,  etc.  For  this  rea- 
son, among  others,  the  Book  of  the  Peerage  has  been 

353 


jEanttgra  anfr  ^nrtal 


called  the  Englishman's  Bible,  it  is  so  often  con- 
sulted. 

But  the  question  of  how  to  treat  English  people  has 
many  another  phase  than  that  of  mere  title,  as  we  look 
at  it  from  an  American  point  of  view. 

When  we  visit  England  we  take  rank  with  the  high- 
est, and  can  well  afford  to  address  the  Queen  as 
"Ma'am."  In  fact,  we  are  expected  to  do  so.  A 
well-bred,  well-educated,  well-introduced  American  has 
the  highest  position  in  the  social  scale.  He  may  not  go 
in  to  dinner  with  a  duchess,  but  he  is  generally  very 
well  placed.  As  for  a  well-bred,  handsome  woman, 
there  is  no  end  to  the  privileges  of  her  position  in  Eng- 
land, if  she  observes  two  or  three  rules.  She  should 
not  be  too  effusive  nor  too  generous  of  titles,  nor  should 
she  fail  of  the  necessary  courtesy  due  always  from 
guest  to  hostess.  She  should  have  herself  presented 
at  court  by  her  minister  or  by  some  distinguished  friend, 
if  she  wishes  to  enter  fashionable  society.  Then  she 
has  the  privilege  of  attending  any  subsequent  Draw- 
ing-room, and  is  eligible  to  invitations  to  the  court 
balls  and  royal  concerts,  etc. 

American  women  have  succeeded  wonderfully  of 
late  years  in  all  foreign  society  from  their  beauty, 
their  wit,  and  their  originality. 

English  people  are  very  kind  in  illness,  grief,  or  in 
any  event  which  calls  for  sympathy,  but  they  are 
speedily  chilled  by  any  step  towards  a  too  sudden  in- 
timacy. They  resent  anything  like  "pushing"  more 
than  any  other  people  in  the  world.  In  no  country 

354 


ifom  to  grral  Ifrg 


<SMJHS*JH§HgHgHfrgH^^ 

has  intellect,  reading,  cultivation,  and  knowledge  such 
"success"  as  in  England.  If  a  lady,  especially,  can 
talk  well,  she  is  invited  everywhere.  If  she  can  do 
anything  to  amuse  the  company  —  as  to  sing  well,  tell 
fortunes  by  the  hand,  recite,  or  play  in  charades  or 
private  theatricals  —  she  is  almost  sure  of  the  highest 
social  recognition.  She  is  expected  to  dress  well,  and 
Americans  are  sure  to  do  this.  The  excess  of  dressing 
too  much  is  to  be  discouraged.  It  is  far  better  to  be 
too  plain  than  too  fine  in  England,  as,  indeed,  it  is 
everywhere;  an  overdressed  woman  is  undeniably  vul- 
gar in  any  country. 

If  we  could  learn  to  treat  English  people  as  they 
treat  us  in  the  matter  of  introductions,  it  would  be  a 
great  advance.  The  English  regard  a  letter  of  intro- 
duction as  a  sacred  institution  and  an  obligation  which 
cannot  be  disregarded.  If  a  lady  takes  a  letter  to  a 
gentleman  of  wealth  and  position,  and  he  has  illness 
in  his  family  and  cannot  ask  her  to  dinner,  he  comes 
to  call  on  her,  he  sends  her  tickets  for  every  sort  of 
flower  show,  the  museums,  the  Botanical  Garden,  and 
all  the  fine  things;  he  sends  her  his  carriage  —  -he  evi- 
dently has  her  on  his  mind.  He  does  not  take  this 
view,  however,  if  he  receives  a  letter  of  introduction 
from  a  person  who  has  no  right  to  give  it.  One  must 
only  send  such  a  letter  to  a  person  whom  one  has 
entertained  —  never  to  those  from  whom  one  has  re- 
ceived hospitality  without  making  any  return,  unless 
they  have  expressly  authorized  one  to  send  a  friend  to 
them. 

355 


anS  Mortal 


Of  course  there  are  disagreeable  English  people,  and 
there  is  an  animal  known  as  the  English  snob,  than 
which  there  is  no  human  being  more  disagreeable. 
Travellers  everywhere  have  met  this  variety,  and  one 
would  think  that  formerly  it  must  have  been  more 
common  than  it  is  now.  There  are  also  English  fam- 
ilies who  have  a  continental,  one  might  say  a  cosmo- 
politan, reputation  for  being  disagreeable,  as  we  have 
some  American  families,  well  known  to  history,  who 
have  an  almost  patrician  and  hereditary  claim  to  the 
worst  manners  in  the  universe.  Well-born  bears  are 
known  all  over  the  world,  but  they  are  in  the  minority. 
It  is  almost  a  sure  sign  of  base  and  ignoble  blood  to 
have  bad  manners.  And  if  the  American  visitor  treats 
his  English  host  half  as  well  as  the  host  treats  him, 
he  may  feel  assured  that  the  entente  cordiale  will  soon 
be  perfect. 

One  need  not  treat  the  average  Englishman  either 
with  a  too  effusive  cordiality  or  with  that  half-con- 
temptuous fear  of  being  snubbed  which  is  of  all  things 
the  most  disagreeable.  A  sort  of  "chip  on  the  shoul- 
der" spread-eagleism  formerly  made  a  class  of  Ameri- 
cans unpopular;  now  Americans  are  in  favor  in  Eng- 
land, and  are  treated  most  cordially. 


CHAPTER  XLV 

MILITARY  AND  NAVAL  RANKS  AND  TITLES 

OW  that  scarcely  a  family  in  the  land  has  not 
one  of  its  members,  or  at  least  a  friend,  under 
arms,  the  indifference  of  the  past  to  the  uni- 
form and  the  ranks  of  the  services  has  changed 
into  keen  interest.  There  is  still,  however, 
much  ignorance  on  the  subject,  and  many 
amusing  mistakes  are  made  in  the  titles  and  addresses  of 
officers.  In  spite  of  childhood's  familiarity  with  Cap- 
tain Jenks  of  the  Horse  Marines,  it  is  not  well  to  at- 
tribute to  captains  of  the  oldest  of  the  three  services  a 
special  understanding  of  horses  and  their  ways.  Though 
colonels  are  plentiful  in  the  Southern  states,  they  do 
not  abound  in  the  Army  and  require  many  years  of 
careful  cultivation  to  produce.  Generals  and  admirals 
are  the  survivals  of  the  fittest  when  many  who  once 
set  out  from  West  Point  and  Annapolis  have  fallen  by 
the  way.  And  the  "line"  and  the  "staff" — how  many 
civilians  realize  the  battles  that  have  been  fought  in 
Congress  over  the  respective  rights  of  each?  Every 
American  youth  now  in  khaki  or  in  the  sailor  blue  bears 
the  marshal's  baton — i.  e.,  the  general's  or  the  admiral's 
star — in  his  knapsack  or  ditty-bag.  The  fortunes  of  war 

357 


anb  gartal 


JHJHSHSHSHgHgMSHSHJH^^ 

may  hurry  the  man  who  has  the  ability  through  the 
many  grades  between  the  lowest  and  the  highest  ranks. 

The  Marine  Corps  ("soldiers  and  sailors  too")  is  the 
oldest  of  the  three  services.  In  its  present  organization 
it  dates  from  1798,  when  Congress  passed  an  act  for  its 
establishment,  to  consist  of  one  major,  four  captains, 
sixteen  first-lieutenants,  twelve  second-lieutenants, 
forty-eight  sergeants,  thirty-two  drums  and  fifes,  and 
seven  hundred  and  twenty  privates.  But  two  battalions 
of  Marines  authorized  by  the  Continental  Congress  had 
already  done  good  work  during  the  Revolutionary  War. 
While  an  independent  branch  of  the  military  service, 
the  Marine  Corps  serves  under  the  direction  of  the 
Secretary  of  the  Navy,  though  it  may,  at  the  direction 
of  the  President,  be  attached  to  the  Army  for  special 
service.  The  duties  of  the  corps  are  to  garrison  navy 
yards  and  stations  in  and  out  of  the  United  States; 
to  serve  on  board  ships,  and,  in  case  of  war  or  disturbance 
in  foreign  countries,  to  land  and  protect  American  in- 
terests. The  head  of  the  Marine  Corps  is  a  major- 
general  who  is  called  The  Commandant.  The  ranks 
correspond  to  those  of  the  Army,  its  officers  being  ap- 
pointed by  the  President  from  graduates  of  the  Naval 
Academy,  from  worthy  non-commissioned  officers,  and 
from  civil  life. 

The  establishment  of  the  Army  dates  from  1789,  when 
its  full  quota  was  only  eight  hundred  and  forty  men. 
The  ranks  of  its  commissioned  officers  are  as  follows: 
Major-general,  brigadier-general,  colonel,  lieutenant- 
colonel,  major,  captain,  first-lieutenant,  second-lieuten- 

358 


an&  ffiapal  Sattkg  anfr 


ant.  Most  of  the  officers  in  time  of  peace  are  graduates 
of  the  Military  Academy  at  West  Point.  The  divisions 
of  rank  among  enlisted  men  are  privates,  then  cor- 
porals, then  sergeants,  then  first  sergeants.  The  only 
generals  the  Army  has  ever  known  were  Grant,  Sherman, 
and  Sheridan;  Washington  and  Scott  held  no  higher 
rank  than  major-generals.  The  quartermaster  corps  is 
charged  with  the  duty  of  supplying  clothing,  fuel,  for- 
age, equipage,  and  shelter  for  men  and  animals;  the 
ordnance  department  furnishes  arms  and  ammuni- 
tion, and  the  medical  department  has  charge  of  the  ad- 
ministration of  the  sanitary  service. 

The  Navy  dates  from  1775,  when  Congress  authorized 
the  building  of  two  ships  to  be  equipped  with  ten  guns 
and  fourteen  guns,  respectively,  to  be  known  as  national 
cruisers.  The  ranks  of  commissioned  officers  of  the 
Navy  are  as  follows:  Admiral,  vice-admiral,  rear- 
admiral,  captain,  commander,  lieutenant-commander, 
lieutenant,  lieutenant  (junior  grade),  ensign. 

RELATIVE  RANKS  IN  THE  UNITED  STATES 
ARMY  AND  NAVY 

ARMY  NAVY 

General  Admiral 

Lieutenant-General       Vice-Admiral 
Major-General  Rear-Admiral 

Brigadier-General         Commodore  (now  abolished, 

except  in  retired  list) 
Colonel  Captain 

359 


fHattturg  an&  Mortal 


ARMY  NAVY 

Lieutenant-Colonel  Commander 

Major  Lieutenant-Commander 

Captain  Lieutenant 

First-Lieutenant  Lieutenant  (junior  grade) 

Second-Lieutenant  Ensign 

Cadet  Midshipman 

Admiral  George  Dewey  was  the  only  "Admiral  of  the 
Navy";  the  grade  —  having  been  made  for  him  alone  in 
recognition  of  his  victory  at  Manila  Bay  —  lapsed  with 
his  death.  Most  of  the  line  officers  of  the  Navy  are 
graduates  of  the  Naval  Academy  at  Annapolis.  As  in 
the  Army,  there  are  a  number  of  staff  officers,  doctors, 
paymasters,  naval  constructors,  and  chaplains.  With 
the  exception  of  naval  constructors,  who  are  generally 
graduates  of  the  Naval  Academy,  the  staff  of  the  Navy 
is  appointed  from  civil  life.  Enlisted  men  who  reach 
the  grade  of  petty  officers  are  eligible  for  appointment  as 
warrant  officers,  and  warrant  officers  who  can  pass  the 
examination  may  also  win  a  commission.  Seamen  are 
required  for  various  duties  —  to  steer,  man  the  boats, 
clean  ship,  as  clerks,  or  yeomen,  nurses,  stewards,  and 
cooks,  carpenters,  machinists,  painters,  blacksmiths  and 
boilermakers  to  repair  ships,  and  as  gun-pointers  and 
gunners'  mates.  The  recruit  can  decide  to  which  branch 
he  will  belong.  In  these  different  branches  —  the  seaman, 
electrical,  clerical,  musicians,  hospital  corps,  commis- 
sary, and  artificers  —  there  are  grades  of  petty  officer 
and  chief  petty  officer. 

360 


attft  Naual  JUnka  attft 


frSHfrgHJHJHJKgMiHiHS^^ 

It  is  customary  in  Army  and  Navy  social  circles  to  be 
chary  in  the  use  of  titles.  Generals,  admirals,  colonels, 
majors,  and  captains  are  addressed  by  their  titles; 
commanders  are  often  given  socially  the  courtesy  title 
of  captain,  and  officers  of  lower  rank  are  usually  "Mr. 
Brown"  or  "Mr.  Smith."  Members  of  the  medical 
corps  of  the  Navy,  however,  are  accorded  the  title  of 
"doctor"  from  the  beginning,  and  they  do  not  exchange 
it,  in  spite  of  promotions,  except  when  they  reach  the 
relative  rank  of  admiral,  when  they  sometimes  prefer 
to  be  addressed  as  "Admiral"  rather  than  as  "Medical 
Director."  Members  of  the  pay  corps,  affectionately 
called  "Pay"  by  their  shipmates,  are  also  sometimes 
addressed  as  "Admiral"  rather  than  as  "Pay  Director" 
when  they  reach  that  rank,  though  others  prefer  a  title 
which  suggests  more  clearly  the  nature  of  their  duties. 
In  replying  to  a  superior  an  officer  uses  the  "sir"  that 
has  become  almost  obsolete  in  civil  life.  This  form  of 
address  and  the  obligatory  salute  have  in  them  no  savor 
of  servility.  They  are  but  the  outward  and  visible  sign 
of  the  bond  which  unites  all  those  who  wear  the  uniform 
of  the  same  country. 


THE   END 


14  DAY  USE 

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'  *     'V?DU 
AUG     519753^) 

20N!ay'58  OS 

REC'D  LD 

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MAY  1     1982 

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^n  i  IQQQ 

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